How To #Win At Social Media.

Brands! You are #Losing!
Here's exactly what you have to do to starting #Winning!
LINK—copyranter on Digiday.

How To Write Good Obnoxious Copy.

ATTN: copywriters.
LINK, on Digiday.

The Worst Big Brand Ads Of 2016.

Terrible, Terrible, and even more Terrible-er. 8 ads.
LINK—on Digiday.

The new AdBot 9000 just wrote copy for 8 brands.

Copywriters? We're dead meat.
LINK, on Digiday.

Using Sex To Sell Unsexy Products Is A Bad Idea.

Using sex to sell unsexy products can get very awkward, like with these ads for a Malaysian breast cancer association: "be a victim of fashion, not cancer." Seven more of these awkward ads here, on Digiday.

Does Advertising Even Work Anymore?

Short answer? No.
Long answer? FUCK no.
An explanation here, on Digiday.

8 Best Fake Ads Of The Year. Via The Chip Shop Awards.

Fuck Cannes. Here's some real creative talent, LINK.

How To Tell If You Are A "Thought Leader".

If you answer "yes" to these seven questions, well then, you're allowed to call yourself a fucking "Thought Leader". LINK—on Digiday.

Calvin Klein 2016: Smells LikeTeen Desperation.

CK has finally done it: made stupid boring sex ads, the worst fashion campaign I've ever seen.
LINK, on Digiday.

Creative Briefs—the worst pieces of communications in business history.

The Creative Brief is always about one thing and one thing only—covering asses.

The Best Ads of 2016, So Far.

Including a wonderfully weird Swedish spot for cider (above).
See all the ads here.

Worst Ads Of 2016, So Far.

Including a print ad for a hoo-hah moisturizer with the headline: "Va-dry-na?"
LINK, on Digiday.

The Most Insufferable Vodka Ad Ever Produced.

Six disaffected rich assholes take a ride on a French Blimp. Unfortunately, a passing German ME-106 doesn't blast it out of the sky. Brand: Grey Goose. LINK: copyranter on Digiday.

Nine New Ways To Be More "Creative" in 2016.

Many many creative "experts" have recently posted their "secret" methods for improving creative thought. I sifted through them and created this brilliantly curated list post. Plus I added a couple of my own, including "Put dead things on your desk like a human skull, your father's ashes, bad taxidermy". I promise if you read this, you will become more "creative." LINK.

Why Chevy's Prince "Tribute" Ad Was Awful In Every Way.

It wasn't just an unethical ad. It was creatively tasteless.
copyranter on Digiday—LINK.

"Death" Is Selling A Lot Of Product These Days.

From shoes to snowboards to contacts to bottled water, etc.
See all the ads here—LINK.

Who The Hell's Responsible For The Linguistic Destruction Of Advertising?

I'll tell you who, but if "scare" quotes scare you, maybe don't click—LINK.

REPORT: Inside The McDonald's Tagline Bunker.

McDonald's is desperately trying to come up with a tagline to appeal to Millennials.
They're not doing so well. copyranter on Digiday—LINK.

The Go-To Ad Joke Is—Still—The White Male Moron.

The hyper-laziness of the ad industry continues...(LINK).

The Best (And Worst) Things Ever Said About Advertising.

I've been collecting ad quotes for 11 years.
Here's eight good ones—LINK, copyranter on Digiday.

The Lost Art Of The Billboard.

If Brands took a small part of their big, useless social media advertising budget and put up ONE great billboard in a high visibility area, that baby would be shared online like the clap. Big ROI. LINK: copyranter on Digiday.

The Secret To Great Advertising...

...is simple, but to hard to create well. LINK, on Digiday.

Millennials Demand ALL Brands Take On Issues.

Gone are the days of simply selling the “benefits” of your product or service. Gone are the days of decades-long advertising campaigns hammering home the same successful selling message over and over. And (mostly) gone are the days of CMOs buying summer homes with agency kickbacks on these big media campaigns.

Say bye-bye, fuckers.

Today’s 18-34 year-old consumer demands not only quality products from marketers, but transparency and most of all, responsibility.

Right now, mook boy deodorant Lynx is taking on suicide; Coke is trying to stop cyberbulling; many brands are promoting gay and lesbian lifestyles, and of course Dove is taking advantage of women’s insecurities under the guise of “female empowerment.”

But as a whole, companies have been slow aligning their brands with causes. So let’s give them a kick in the ass.

Huggies

Huggies (or Pampers or Luvs) is perfectly positioned to take on The Future. Are you going to argue against cute-ass babies, global warming deniers? Babies are Gen Next, and they’re going to shit bricks as they grow up and find out the condition we’ve left their planet in.

Oreo

The Mondelēz cookie brand couldn’t be better designed or positioned to take on and help end racial tensions in the USA. And it’s already a horribly derogatory racist term used by both Caucasians and African Americans alike!

Taco Bell

Everybody’s afraid to take on Donald Trump on Immigration. The Bell needs to step up! Because let’s not forget their previous tagline: Make A Run For The Border! They’re probably already involved in illegal trafficking anyway.

Equal

This is an easy one for the Merisant artificial sweetener; it’s already a chick product.

Stihl

Although the thought of chainsaws combined with domestic violence makes one queasy, women are the major purchase decision makers in most American households.

Jiffy Lube

This is a frggin’ layup for the Shell Oil owned chain. Also they should maybe encourage their hot mechanics to unbutton a couple more buttons on their overalls. Wouldn’t hurt business.

Combat

 I mean: their name means “war.” So just run with it man, especially now.

Clorox

They own “white.” I say “Clorox,” a consumer is going to say “white.” Again, with the current racial climate in America, they should use their whiteness for good.

Walmart

Go ahead and scoff, but if you know upper middle class Liberals as well as I do, then you know how much white wealth guilt they have running through them. A LOT. And they love symbolic gestures.

Evian

“Live Young” and the whole babies campaign is pure bullshit. They just need to come completely clean and I guarantee you Evian would rocket to #1 bottled water brand within weeks.

How To Get Your First Copywriting Job...If You're A Female.

Get a sex change, and other more reasonable tips from someone with inside info (me). LINK, copyranter on Digiday.

5 British Ads Better Than Anything You'll See During The Super Bowl.

I guarantee it.
LINK, on Digiday.

What If Adblockers Advertised?

See all five ads I created here—copyranter on Digiday.

Real-Life Ads are the Best Ads.

Last week, the world's largest drug trafficker accidentally became the worldwide spokesmodel for Barabas' hideous men's shirts. Read about this, plus four other excellent real-life ads from the last few months. Copyranter on Digiday—LINK.

The Definitive Guide To Making A "Viral" Video.

Yes. It's finally here. An expert's (me) easy-to-follow six-step guide to making your very own "viral" brand video. Simply click here and reap. You're welcome.

Biggest Digital Dipshits of 2015.

Was it Jet Blue's Twitter feed manager (probably ex-manager), who obviously doesn't possess basic knowledge about the history of flight? Click here to pick your favorite 2015 digital dipshit—copyranter on Digiday.

The 5 Best Ads You Didn't See This Year.

Curated by me, the best ad critic in all dimensions across all universes.
LINK.

The 6 Most "Punchable" Ads of 2015.

Fuck all those other bullshit year-end advertising lists. This is the only one that matters. These ads aren't just bad; these ads are asking to be punched in the fucking face. LINK—on Digiday.

What In The HELL Is Going On With Toilet Paper Advertising?

Since Mr. Whipple died in 2001, Toilet Paper Ads have gotten very strange and very bad. See for yourself—my post this week on Digiday—LINK.

Advertising Is Not A Science, Never Will Be.

Every Ad Tech "Guru" needs to read this memo by Bill Bernbach. It's from 1947. (LINK).

"Brainstorming" is useless

Come inside a digital agency's "ideation" room, and watch a good idea get destroyed.
LINK on Digiday.

Six of the Worst Taglines Out There Right Now.

LINK, on Digiday.

"Shit Copywriters Think"

The copywriter is still the idea of king of this stupid industry. Fuck everybody else.
LINK, on Digiday.

On Shitty Copywriting.

Supposedly good agencies continue to produce really shitty ads.
More here, on Digiday—LINK.

The Rise of the "Un-Ad".

It's not hard sell. It's not soft sell. It's un-sell.
Read about it on Digiday—LINK.

Seven New Names for "Advertising"

Sir Martin Sorrell, the richest and mouthiest adman in the world, says we need to rename "advertising". So I did, seven times (including "Sorrelling"). See them here, on Digiday.

The Unparalleled Arrogance of the iPhone Taglines Continues...

For eight years, Apple has launched generation after generation of the iPhone with most arrogant yet meaningless slogans imaginable. I went ahead and wrote them some for next year's iPhone 7. LINK—on Digiday.

Deep Inside a Creative Department All-Nighter.

It's 2am, and you have zero good ideas.
LINK on Digiday.