This Week's Local NYC Bad Ads Report.

I'm starting a new weekly column for the New York Observer. In it, I will be photographing and reviewing local bad ads, from above and below ground. Link.

American Car Ads are a Fucking Embarrassment.

If you watched the Oscars last night, you probably saw the above "American Exceptionalism" Cadillac commercial. It is, politics aside, one of the worst car commercials ever produced.  But it's just the latest in a shitty string of awful American car ads.
Read on VICE.

The Greatest American Copywriter Wasn't A "Mad Man".

He is a Midwestern son of a preacher who as an adman vomited before presentations, not from liquor like that hack Don Draper, but from fear—fear that a new client wouldn't have the balls to buy his ballsy ads. Read more about him, and see many of his best ads in my weekly post on VICE.

Social Media Managers are Dipshits, continued...

This new "digital creative class" is an embarrassment to the advertising industry. None of these dipshits could have cut it at even the lowest level of a good creative ad agency just 10 years ago. I've compiled and commented on the worst social media updates of 2014 (so far) by major brands, including JC Penney's asinine Super Bowl stunt, and the two brilliant MLK tweets, above. READ.

Quick Response Advertising, by Germany's Blush Lingerie.

Reference.
Via.
Three previous Blush ads here.

ALWAYS BE BRANDING, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Click images. Via Yokohama, Japan.
Via.

FTD Florists presents the four Whitest couples in the history of advertising.

After watching these four Valentine's Day commercials via the 100 year-old flower delivery company, you will seriously consider celibacy. They are THAT BAD. copyranter on VICE.

This new Canadian Gay Rights spot is better than all the Super Bowl Ads. Combined.

See, you clueless fucking American ad agencies? ONE simple insight. A creative linchpin that's fresh and shiny and pristine, unsullied by puppies and horses and bears and celebrities and fucking Danica Patrick. Bravo, Rethink, Canada (the responsible ad agency).

I call BULLSHIT on Doritos' "Crash The Super Bowl" contest results.

The above "Finger Cleaner" spot has over 600,000 more views on YouTube than the two winners that aired during the game, combined.
Read more about it on VICE.

What The Hell Happened To Apple's Advertising?

Last week was the 30th anniversary of "1984", the commercial that launched Mac. They followed that up with "Think Different," another advertising masterstroke. Then, the "I'm a Mac/I'm a PC" campaign, another success. And that was last Big Idea Apple's had. Read more on VICE.

The safe-driving PSAs of New Zealand are the best in the world.

The above ad, "Mistake", is only the most recent brilliant PSA via the New Zealand Transport Agency and their ad agency, Clemenger/BBDO. See four more great commercials from the last few years on VICE. (Story Link).

The four worst ads of 2014 (so far).

This assburger magazine ad was banned in Australia for being "degrading" to women. Read the ridiculous quote from the creative director defending it, plus check out two awful commercials and one idiotic tweet in this week's VICE post (LINK).

LOUIS CK ONE.

Via.

Classic Mad Men era ads ruined by lawyers.

I again imagined what effect powerful dickhead lawyers would have had on the advertising creative revolution of the 1960s — including the above "tweak" to one of Ed McCabe's great Volvo ads.
Read the post.

Jimmy Kimmel is a Shitty Copywriter.

Kimmel and his Jackhole Productions staff recently horked up an in-show ad for Tostitos, dubbed the "Worst Contest Ever". It's far worse than that.
Read about it on VICE.

12 best commercials I found by accident in 2013.

On VICE:
The 12 best commercials I found by accident in 2013.

Apple's Christmas Commercial is Transparent Pandering Bullshit

The disaffected Youngs with their faces buried in their fucking screens, win, and you lose, Olds!
What a fucking Santa pants-load of shit, this ad is. How many teenage asswipes across the world will, yes, actually have their faces inconsiderately glued to their fucking phones this Christmas and, no, won't be making a touching little family movie using Airplay and an Apple TV? I'll tell you how many: ALL of them, except for this nonexistent teenager.
What an unsubtle, artless Gen Y & Z demographic blowjob.
The "internet sherpas" at Hypervocal report that all of Twitter is crying over this ad.
You want something to really cry about this Christmas?
Read about the current situation in the Central African Republic, you bunch of clueless fucking wussies.
Ad agency: TBWA\Media Arts Lab.
(Disclosure: I have an iPhone 4S and a MacBook Air, so blow me.)

One of the most incomprehensible ads ever created.

It's via Scott Hoy, Sioux Falls personal injury lawyer.
See a re-imagining of Hoy's holiday ad — which features his floating, talking disembodied head — and many other atrocious December ads, branding, and social media updates in my weekly column on VICE (LINK).

If Lawyers Wrote Ads

On VICE:  what if lawyers had written some of the greatest ads and taglines from the Mad Men era? They would have been...a lot less great. LINK.

The best Christmas ads for people who hate Christmas ads.

If, like me, you can't stand the seasonal schmaltz, the mushiness, the faux feel good hooey, go to VICE and watch four commercials that actually treat consumers like sentient human beings — including the CANAL+ Nativity ad, above. LINK.

The "O" stands for Japanese Zeros.

Tora, Tora, Tora, SpaghettiOs and Campbell Soup Company (parent).
Image via. Previously in: Twidiot of the Week.

The two stupidest Nelson Mandela ads ever produced.

(click ads to enlarge)
He was a great man, unquestionably.
And these two ads are not great, unquestionably.
Top — an ad for Inchalam nails, by Ogilvy & Mather, Chile. STAY STRONG. No further comment necessary.
Bottom — an ad (headline: Life is easier, if you don’t speak up. Debate.) for Denmark’s largest newspaper, Jyllands-Posten — internationally famous for publishing that cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad with a bomb in his turban. Ad agency: Uncle Grey, Denmark. That is some gnarly Photoshop work.
Your call on which one takes the stupid cake.

This is pretty much the most racist commercial I've ever seen.

It's for an Alabama law firm.
That, and more on my weekly ad post on VICE.

This is the Doritos "Crash The Super Bowl" winner.

For the eighth straight year, Doritos will be "crashing" the Super Bowl with non ad agency ads. You can see all the submissions here. I've viewed many of them, and most of them suck balls, as usual — not that that's any different from when a Doritos ad agency creates the ads.
But this one, "Finger Cleaner", is a winner. And it currently leads in popularity, which is unusual, because the civilian Public usually sucks balls at judging what is a good ad.
It's pretty fucking creepy. I hope PepsiCo has the balls to run a glory hole commercial.

The Worst Advertising, Guerrilla Marketing, and Social Media Fuck-Ups of November.

Including, this idiotic giant stress ball placed by the Jamaica Tourist Board in Times Square.
Read about it, and the rest, on VICE.

So, here's the most offensive JFK assassination-riffing ad ever produced.

(click ad to enlarge)
Leaving aside the nuclear offensiveness, it's actually a pretty good b-to-b ad. And yes, it is a real ad, from 2007, for IP Press (now known as IP Media Group) hawking their men's titles which include Belgian mag Ché — well known for over-the-top sexist ads.
Ad agency: Antwerp office of Duval Guillaume
 

Meet Phil, The Sleazy Dick Pill Shill.

He's pushing, pushing real good, Dynafil (thus, his nom de guerre), a new generic Viagra.
Read about him on Jezebel.

The only ad James Gandolfini ever did (I think).

 

2007, for Kobold watches.
The ad ran for a year.
Gandolfini did it for free.
Here's the back story.

Me, right after every creative presentation.

That's me, in the foreground.
And, that's the rest the agency "team" in the background.

FINALLY: some funny cereal ads.

These two "Competition Crunch" spots for Oatmeal Crisp are my kind of stupid. They may not be your kind of stupid, but stupidity — like love — is a many splendored thing. "Elitist Marionette" (above) is really fucking weird. "Ginger Wedding" (below) is more traditionally ad-like weird. But, both inexorably deliver the USP: CRUNCHINESS!
I have a nit, of course: I don't like the spokes-idiot; he takes away from the entertaining scenarios.
Ad agency: Cossette. See two more of the spots on AdVerve.

PETA's new Thanksgiving video is a fucking holiday miracle.

A miracle, in that it isn't the usual sexist, insensitive garbage. The video, "Thanks!—An Animated Trip To Holiday Slaughter", is well-thought out and well-produced. Well done.
The video is a collaboration between PETA, creative services agency Cutter, and visual production company Big Machine, with original music composed by Andrea Saparoff, according to their press release.
Via copyranter tips.

There is one ad agency in the world that knows to advertise itself.

And they're not from the United States or the UK.
Read about them on Vice.

Why are so many Social Media Managers dipshits?

Wrote another post for Vice. Read.

Better than any big budget shoe ad I've ever seen.
Via.

Rolling Stone Lou Reed tribute ad.

 

Via Italy.
Ad agency: DLV BBDO, Milan.

A bombastic vintage trade ad that could never run today.

(click to enlarge)
Judging by the typeface, it looks like a 1980s ad.
It was a trade ad advocating the power advertising, by Texas ad agency The Richards Group.
The copy reads:
"How did Coke succeed where history's most ambitious leaders failed? By choosing the right weapon. Advertising." Via.

This Wendy's cashier should be promoted immediately.

Via reddit, where of course the comments are filled with racist morons.
This woman wins fast food service and Halloween forever.

Red Bull won Social Media yesterday.

Via.

"Sharknado" balsa wood glider is the coolest promo item ever.

 

 (click to enlarge)

I want one. It's that simple. I'm writing the ad agency.

The agency press note: "To get radio DJs and TV reviewers talking, writing and tweeting about the New Zealand TV debut (on Prime TV) of Sharknado ... DraftFCB Auckland delivered them giant balsawood kitset shark 'gliders'. Proving that fear really can take to the air."

Previously in: Cool Promo Items.

The Tide "Carrie" Vine is a perfect use of the App.

New campaign for UN Women is a perfect example of why simple ideas are always the most powerful.

Click ads for enlarged view. Images via.
Google autocomplete has been the source of lazy blog post humor for years.
But a new campaign by Christopher Hunt, creative at Ogilvy & Mather Dubai, uses the dynamic for shocks instead of laughs. He says this about the ads:
“This campaign uses the world's most popular search engine (Google) to show how gender inequality is a worldwide problem. The adverts show the results of genuine searches, highlighting popular opinions across the world wide web."
It's hard to read on these low res scans, but the birdseed type above the search boxes reads: "Actual Google search on 09/03/13." These searches were done in Dubai, but some of the same results turn up in U.S. searches — which is disgusting and disheartening.

Brilliant ambient ad for "Gravity"

Or, just a bad tape job.
(Click to enlarge, via)

Twidiot of the Day — Wheat Thins.

Twitter needs a FUCK YOU button.
Previously in: Twidiots of the Day.

Banksy's tribute to 9/11.

As part of his one month NYC street art project "Better Out Than In," Banksy created this Twin Towers scene a couple of blocks from the World Trade Center site. The flower is a dahlia, which "symbolize the eternal bond between two people” — according to The Dusty Rebel, who was the first to find the piece today. Click images to enlarge.

BAM! Breast Cancer, Cured.

Are you aware that it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month?!? My Mom might be, since she had breast cancer last year (now in remission). My Dad may be aware of it, since he's my Mom's husband, and since he has incurable multiple myeloma, the absolute worst form of cancer that our loving "God" has come up with it.
Also aware of it: this stupid business with bubble windows that kind of look like boobs. Way to do your part, stupid fucking business with booby windows. Via.
NOTE: If you know where this business is, please comment so I can jump on a plane and pay the place a visit, first stopping off at a hardware store to pick up a sledgehammer
UPDATE: It's a yoga center.

Monster.com exploits government shutdown with brilliant fake jobs ad

Finally, an advertiser parks one vis-à-vis the government shutdown.
Monster posted this ad today on their website.
As you can see the positions are "SENIOR LEADERS, U.S. Government."
The advertiser is: "The people of the United States of America."
The copy is nicely derisive:
• Must be able to balance a checkbook.
• No past political experience required.
The disclaimer at the bottom of the posting reads:
Disclaimer:  This is not a real job posting.​  To become a real Member of Congress, you need to be elected and meet other qualifications besides those listed here.​  For more information see Article I of the United States Constitution.​

Slow. Clap. Monster.com.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren needs to get the hell out of eHarmony's ads.

If ever there was a CEO who should not be a spokesman, it's this fervently anti-gay marriage freakazoid.
Here's what he has to say about his parents' marriage, which lasted 70 years: "They had a nice marriage, but they were not a very well-matched couple… My dad was just so stinking bright, and my mom was so sweet, but she was two standard deviations below him in intelligence."
Isn't that sweet and thoughtful.

Via.

Top 5 BuzzFeed Post of the Month.

• The most epic shit-related ad ever.
• 20 uniquely smart business card designs.
• Latest Guinness commercial gave me the chills.
• Brilliant award-winning Romanian tourism campaign (above, 10 ads total).
• One of the biggest con jobs in advertising history (vintage Lysol douche ads).

top 5 BuzzFeed posts of the week.

• 10 fake ads some people think are real (above).
• the most brutal domestic violence awareness ads (trigger warning).
• the 15 funniest cat GIFs of the Summer.
• Newcastle's "No Bollocks" campaign is the best beer advertising right now.
• and, the 20 funniest banned commercials.