(Yes, it's another post mocking milquetoast Millennials.)
BOOMERS are the reason why Millennials are fucked, economically. Just ask them. Just read their Facebook updates. Gen Y is Generation Screwed, a generation that faced the worst job market since the Great Depression, according to several incorrect media sources.
Right now, this historically downtrodden generation of vagabonds faces a 6.1% unemployment rate. It peaked at 9.7% in January 2010, but has quickly and steadily improved since then. Yet they still moan, incessantly, because they all can’t find jobs curating cat videos or tweeting Kardashian jokes for 50K/year.
If they had even a smidge of perseverance and an ounce of humility, they could—right this fucking second—get a decent job to pay their fucking bills. Unfortunately, they might just have to take a position at a company that—OMG—bans Social Media during work hours, something over 50% of you over-sharing self-centered milksops say is unacceptable.
The unemployment rate when I entered the post-college job market was 10.8%—the actual and still reigning worst job market since the Great Depression. And that market (and the country's outlook as a whole) was much bleaker than it was in 2010. The job types available to my generation were a fraction of what's available today. But did we cry like shit-stained babies about our predicament? Did we have big (now dying) news outlets desperate to attract and appease this hyper-consumerist gadget-obsessed generation fawning over us, sucking our butthurt asses, week-in and week-out?
We dug in. We persevered. We changed careers, if we had to. Of course, there was no internet back then, and you, Millennial Muff, may be thinking: (say it with me in a whiny sing-song voice) “If you had Twitter and Facebook, you would have been whining to the world, too”.
Yeah, no. We were raised differently than you coddled cunts. We were either ignored, or disciplined harshly, or reared with a really wonderful combo of the two.
In the early 1980s, BOOMERS, though mostly not yet CEOs, were middle manager job gatekeepers—with no jobs to offer. At my first three post-college gigs, I made less than five bucks an hour, plus mileage (25¢ a mile), minus health insurance, doing grunt-reporting work for several local daily newspapers.
I was 22 and on my own—because my parents were poor and couldn’t afford a freeloading boarder—so I had to work second jobs to pay rent, including: cashier at a Roy Rodgers where I wore a faux cowboy hat, checkered shirt, and red kerchief, and was required to shout “Howdy Pardner!” at every single customer; Bradlees “sales associate”, where I faced profane inquisitions from BOOMER Moms over why the FUCK we were always out of Cabbage Patch Kids; and a “Games” worker at Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey, handing out quarters to tween pricks (future Gen Xers) who regularly tried to steal from me/rip me off, hints of their "nihilism" to come.
Another deafening Pussy Generation whine is: "WAAAH, we have too much college debt”. You know what? If you can’t afford that fancy/Ivy school, don’t go to it, or don’t bitch about the cost afterwards, you privileged 1AAA-world fucks. Yes college costs too much. This is not news. I didn’t have college debt because I paid for three years of tuition myself. I did this by working in high school as a sports stringer for the local paper, picking peaches, and digging ditches. I also got a summer job while in college working seven-day weeks, 12-hour days at a factory as a mechanic’s helper tearing out hydraulic conveyor motors, and replacing them with electric ones. Also? I went to a state school (Rutgers) I could afford.
This generation's misguided feelings of entitlement started at the umbilical cord cuttings. School grade inflation + not keeping score in Little League + giving out trophies to every kid who manages the heroic feat of stepping onto the soccer pitch + near total elimination of bully culture (real bullies, not "cyber-bullies") + helicopter parenting = Everybody is a "winner". You deserve shit, man.
You know what? You do deserve shit! That's why I’m going to help you Gen Y-ners with your job search during this unprecedented Era of Pussy.
- In emails (and blog posts, etc.), use lots of extraneous exclamation points!!! It’s the new age, passive-aggressive style that goes over well with people like you who don’t like having their God-given feelings hurt! Pussies!!!!! (See, it works.)
- To show how “creative” you are, don’t bother with creating anything original—that’s too much work! You are the "Hack" generation, after-all. Just reimagine, recycle, repurpose, and repackage (hack) somebody else’s idea/work. Make GIFs from videos. Steal an obscure passage, like Banksy did, and put it on your resume. Grab stuff from IMDb, reddit, MetaFilter, and Quora and don't credit the source. Then, apply for a job at BuzzFeed. I can put in a good word for you.*
- Lastly, remember: You are an Important Person. 80% of you thought so in high school (up from 12% in the 1950s).
It is of course your generation that has decided that “pussy” in a nonsexual context is majorly offensive. Heck, you’ve decided that it is an offensive word, period. It is now an “anti-feminism” word. What a bunch of PC dicks.
It's ironic, your generation’s obsession with what people say/write, with words over actions (right, Gary Oldman?), especially considering that your generation—the generation of “TL;DR”—is the most unlettered generation in American history.
But that's how you guys roll: Tweets over deeds; Status Updates over meaningful communication; Selfies over, well, just shutting your digital fucking mouths.