Friday, May 27, 2016

The Best Ads of 2016, So Far.

Including a wonderfully weird Swedish spot for cider (above).
See all the ads here.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Worst Ads Of 2016, So Far.

Including a print ad for a hoo-hah moisturizer with the headline: "Va-dry-na?"
LINK, on Digiday.

Friday, May 13, 2016

The Most Insufferable Vodka Ad Ever Produced.


Six disaffected rich assholes take a ride on a French Blimp. Unfortunately, a passing German ME-106 doesn't blast it out of the sky. Brand: Grey Goose. LINK: copyranter on Digiday.

Monday, May 09, 2016

Nine New Ways To Be More "Creative" in 2016.


Many many creative "experts" have recently posted their "secret" methods for improving creative thought. I sifted through them and created this brilliantly curated list post. Plus I added a couple of my own, including "Put dead things on your desk like a human skull, your father's ashes, bad taxidermy". I promise if you read this, you will become more "creative." LINK.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Why Chevy's Prince "Tribute" Ad Was Awful In Every Way.

It wasn't just an unethical ad. It was creatively tasteless.
copyranter on Digiday—LINK.

Friday, April 22, 2016

"Death" Is Selling A Lot Of Product These Days.


From shoes to snowboards to contacts to bottled water, etc.
See all the ads here—LINK.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Who The Hell's Responsible For The Linguistic Destruction Of Advertising?


I'll tell you who, but if "scare" quotes scare you, maybe don't click—LINK.

Friday, April 01, 2016

REPORT: Inside The McDonald's Tagline Bunker.

McDonald's is desperately trying to come up with a tagline to appeal to Millennials.
They're not doing so well. copyranter on Digiday—LINK.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

The Go-To Ad Joke Is—Still—The White Male Moron.


The hyper-laziness of the ad industry continues...(LINK).

Friday, March 18, 2016

The Best (And Worst) Things Ever Said About Advertising.


I've been collecting ad quotes for 11 years.
Here's eight good ones—LINK, copyranter on Digiday.

Friday, March 11, 2016

The Lost Art Of The Billboard.


If Brands took a small part of their big, useless social media advertising budget and put up ONE great billboard in a high visibility area, that baby would be shared online like the clap. Big ROI. LINK: copyranter on Digiday.

Friday, February 26, 2016

The Secret To Great Advertising...


...is simple, but to hard to create well. LINK, on Digiday.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Millennials Demand ALL Brands Take On Issues.


Gone are the days of simply selling the “benefits” of your product or service. Gone are the days of decades-long advertising campaigns hammering home the same successful selling message over and over. And (mostly) gone are the days of CMOs buying summer homes with agency kickbacks on these big media campaigns.

Say bye-bye, fuckers.

Today’s 18-34 year-old consumer demands not only quality products from marketers, but transparency and most of all, responsibility.

Right now, mook boy deodorant Lynx is taking on suicide; Coke is trying to stop cyberbulling; many brands are promoting gay and lesbian lifestyles, and of course Dove is taking advantage of women’s insecurities under the guise of “female empowerment.”

But as a whole, companies have been slow aligning their brands with causes. So let’s give them a kick in the ass.

Huggies

Huggies (or Pampers or Luvs) is perfectly positioned to take on The Future. Are you going to argue against cute-ass babies, global warming deniers? Babies are Gen Next, and they’re going to shit bricks as they grow up and find out the condition we’ve left their planet in.

Oreo

The Mondelēz cookie brand couldn’t be better designed or positioned to take on and help end racial tensions in the USA. And it’s already a horribly derogatory racist term used by both Caucasians and African Americans alike!


Taco Bell

Everybody’s afraid to take on Donald Trump on Immigration. The Bell needs to step up! Because let’s not forget their previous tagline: Make A Run For The Border! They’re probably already involved in illegal trafficking anyway.

Equal
This is an easy one for the Merisant artificial sweetener; it’s already a chick product.

Stihl

Although the thought of chainsaws combined with domestic violence makes one queasy, women are the major purchase decision makers in most American households.

Jiffy Lube
This is a frggin’ layup for the Shell Oil owned chain. Also they should maybe encourage their hot mechanics to unbutton a couple more buttons on their overalls. Wouldn’t hurt business.

Combat

 I mean: their name means “war.” So just run with it man, especially now.

Clorox

They own “white.” I say “Clorox,” a consumer is going to say “white.” Again, with the current racial climate in America, they should use their whiteness for good.

Walmart

Go ahead and scoff, but if you know upper middle class Liberals as well as I do, then you know how much white wealth guilt they have running through them. A LOT. And they love symbolic gestures.

Evian

“Live Young” and the whole babies campaign is pure bullshit. They just need to come completely clean and I guarantee you Evian would rocket to #1 bottled water brand within weeks.

Friday, February 12, 2016

How To Get Your First Copywriting Job...If You're A Female.


Get a sex change, and other more reasonable tips from someone with inside info (me). LINK, copyranter on Digiday.

Friday, February 05, 2016

5 British Ads Better Than Anything You'll See During The Super Bowl.


I guarantee it.
LINK, on Digiday.

Monday, February 01, 2016

What If Adblockers Advertised?


See all five ads I created here—copyranter on Digiday.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Real-Life Ads are the Best Ads.


Last week, the world's largest drug trafficker accidentally became the worldwide spokesmodel for Barabas' hideous men's shirts. Read about this, plus four other excellent real-life ads from the last few months. Copyranter on Digiday—LINK.

Friday, January 15, 2016

The Definitive Guide To Making A "Viral" Video.


Yes. It's finally here. An expert's (me) easy-to-follow six-step guide to making your very own "viral" brand video. Simply click here and reap. You're welcome.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Biggest Digital Dipshits of 2015.


Was it Jet Blue's Twitter feed manager (probably ex-manager), who obviously doesn't possess basic knowledge about the history of flight? Click here to pick your favorite 2015 digital dipshitcopyranter on Digiday.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

The 5 Best Ads You Didn't See This Year.


Curated by me, the best ad critic in all dimensions across all universes.
LINK.

Friday, December 11, 2015

The 6 Most "Punchable" Ads of 2015.


Fuck all those other bullshit year-end advertising lists. This is the only one that matters. These ads aren't just bad; these ads are asking to be punched in the fucking face. LINK—on Digiday.

Friday, December 04, 2015

What In The HELL Is Going On With Toilet Paper Advertising?


Since Mr. Whipple died in 2001, Toilet Paper Ads have gotten very strange and very bad. See for yourself—my post this week on Digiday—LINK.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Advertising Is Not A Science, Never Will Be.


Every Ad Tech "Guru" needs to read this memo by Bill Bernbach. It's from 1947. (LINK).

Friday, November 13, 2015

"Brainstorming" is useless


Come inside a digital agency's "ideation" room, and watch a good idea get destroyed.
LINK on Digiday.

Friday, November 06, 2015

Six of the Worst Taglines Out There Right Now.


LINK, on Digiday.

Friday, October 30, 2015

"Shit Copywriters Think"


The copywriter is still the idea of king of this stupid industry. Fuck everybody else.
LINK, on Digiday.

Monday, October 26, 2015

On Shitty Copywriting.


Supposedly good agencies continue to produce really shitty ads.
More here, on Digiday—LINK.

Friday, October 16, 2015

The Rise of the "Un-Ad".


It's not hard sell. It's not soft sell. It's un-sell.
Read about it on DigidayLINK.

Thursday, October 08, 2015

Seven New Names for "Advertising"


Sir Martin Sorrell, the richest and mouthiest adman in the world, says we need to rename "advertising". So I did, seven times (including "Sorrelling"). See them here, on Digiday.

Monday, September 28, 2015

The Unparalleled Arrogance of the iPhone Taglines Continues...


For eight years, Apple has launched generation after generation of the iPhone with most arrogant yet meaningless slogans imaginable. I went ahead and wrote them some for next year's iPhone 7. LINK—on Digiday.


Tuesday, August 04, 2015

Deep Inside a Creative Department All-Nighter.


It's 2am, and you zero good ideas.
LINK on Digiday.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Life of a Millennial Consumer (according to stock photos).


Stock photos—never wrong. Digiday link.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Top 9 Reasons You Should Quit Your Marketing Job.


Your words mean nothing.
You create nothing.
You are nothing.
LINK on Digiday.

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Everybody's Definition of Branded Content is Wrong.


Only one person gets it right—me.
LINK, on Digiday.

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

How to Advertise to Millennials.


Four spec ad examples of Millennial-targeted advertising from an expert.
LINK—on Digiday.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

It's time to kill Cannes. It has become an embarrassment.


(photo by Kurt Novack, 2014)

Scores of scam ads + petty egotistical judges = kill the awards portion of the festival. NOW. LINK, on Digiday.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Ad Creativity vs. Ad Tech: It's an All-Out War.


Ad Tech is Donkey Kong. Ad Creativity is Mario.
Who ya got? Story on Digiday.

Friday, June 05, 2015

New dog food ad ends racism in America.


Also, a new shampoo ad ends divorce in China.
New trend of brands exploiting society's ills to sell product is despicable.
LINK on Digiday.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Angry Aging Area Ad Man (me) Baffled By Bullshit Buzzwords.


Dickweeds are trying to make Advertising more complicated than it is.
Curated Brand Experience? Ephemeral Content? Big Data? All bullshit.

LINK on Digiday.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

UPDATE: Sex No Longers Sells.


18-34 year-olds ain't buying what their selling. Story Link.

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

WTF is a Creative Director?


It’s a question I’ve been asked many times over the years by civilians: Just what is it that a creative director does? Sorry, but there is no quick, pat answer, especially nowadays, young millennial. Instead, I will circle the question, like a vulture, hopefully while avoiding shitting on my own legs, unlike a vulture.

Read the rest on Digiday.