What In The Hell Has Happened To Beer Advertising?

Long gone are the days of the great "Tastes Great/Less Filling" Miller Lite TV commercials.

Long gone are the days of the very good Bud Light "Real Men of Genius/Real American Heroes" radio spots. (It didn't work as well on TV.)

And, long gone are the days of the fucking brilliant Errol Morris-directed "High Life" Miller TV ads. Watch three of them below. And watch 78 of them here.






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So: Whadda we got now?

We got campaign after campaign inartfully, unsubtly, desperately sucking off Gen Y. If you are a Y, you should be guffawing derisively at your computer/TV screen at the sloppy blowjobs being performed on you by beer brands. But then, what do I know? Maybe your generation likes sloppy bad blowjobs.

Bad Blowjob #1: Heineken.
 Heineken continues to try to position itself as the official beer of "Adventure". The commercials, created by Wieden & Kennedy offices worldwide, are beautifully produced. Beautifully produced bullshit. The product is usually slipped in awkwardly, like with this 2:00 Dutch spot, the latest in their current "Man Of The World" campaign. Their "Man" is a dandy dancing whiskery hipster (sorry, but the word fits here) with perfect timing, cuteness, and charm. All of the hot women instantly cream over him. He is the Ultimate Millennial Hero. He is the most hateable brand mascot since Mr. Opportunity.

"Man Of The World". Image via.

You could call him the '2nd most interesting man in the world", since the campaign's 2012 start post-dates Dos Equis's "Most Interesting Man In The World", and W&K obviously "borrowed" the idea to create this super man. It is the most flaccid soft sell from the beer category that I can recall. I purposely never order Heineken because of this pandering campaign.



Bad Blowjob #2: Miller High Life.
The copywriter, art director, and director on these new-ish #IamRich spots should all be fucking ashamed of themselves. Meet "Rich". That's his name, you see, because he's not rich. (Though if that's his NYC apartment, he's far from fucking middle class.) Rich is yet another Bearded Millennial Hero. The ads pour irony into a skillet mold, let it harden, and then cave in your head with it. Here's a 2nd spot—note all of Rich's male buds have facial hair. Actual maybe quote from Miller's marketing director: "I WANT THE COOLEST COLLECTION OF BEARDS EVER ASSEMBLED IN AN AD."

Just absolutely awful advertising. Agency: Leo Burnett.
NOTE: I will not stop drinking Miller High Life because it is my favorite cheap beer.

"RICH"

He's cool because he's black & white and slightly out of focus, and sits ironically on a throne.

Bad Blowjob #3: Miller Fortune.

I love Mark Strong, one of my favorite actors (see him in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy). It's not his fault these spots are so bad, he didn't write this contrived hooey—take the money and run, good man.

My copy: "Get in there and get tossed out on your ass, tosser. I've another Miller Fortune waiting to ease your pain. And then you can try again, Sisyphus. Why will I still be here? I just like creepily standing outside of bars and providing strangers with running commentary on their loser lives."

My copy:" What are you doing? Did you see that rack? Guzzle this, turn around, and go back in there and FORCE YOURSELF on her. Then, five hours from now, come out, alone, and power-barf on the sidewalk. I'll still be here, with another Miller Fortune and a bottle of Scope."

(Miller Fortune deleted this spot from their YouTube page, probably because some criticized it for telling men to be "ungentlemanly".)

My copy: 'I know what you're thinking: 'I'm gonna miss this tap-in on purpose, and she'll suck me so good, the sheets'll get stuck in my ass.' Don't do that. Slam it home, loudly, and scream YEAH! in her face. Then, run the next table, and the next and the next and the...well just fucking destroy her, and then give me a call..."

Bad Blowjob #4: Corona Light.

Here Corona and their agency, Goodby Silverstein and Partners, smash older, married Millennials in the face with a Stupid bat. This copy feels like it was written by the account supervisor, or even the Corona marketing director's wife. Oh! That ending twist joke! My SIDES!

Bad Blowjob #5: Garagista (South Africa).

Ahh. the old "For those who..." strategy. How do you get "hip" people to drink your beer in 2014? By making fun of "hipsters"—at least according to the Garagista Brewery and their Capetown ad agency FoxP2.  But nobody is hipsters, everybody is hipsters, now. These people are just idiots, especially this chick. Don't you feel superior looking at these idiots? Shit, I'm getting such a confidence boost reading these ads, I think I'll dust off my chrome Slingerlands and start up a NYC post-post-post-punk band. Call ourselves the Mad Men. Dress like Draper, get sued by AMC. Get famous.

(click image to enlarge)

I'd actually like to to hear this gentlemen play his banjo. I bet he's pretty good. And come on: that font screams "drink me, hipster!".

(click image to enlarge)

I honestly cannot pick which one of these headlines is the worst. 

It's a dead heat at the Shit-Awful finish line.

Bad Blowjob #6: Miller Lite.

Lastly, there's the "Man Up" Miller Lite campaign from a couple of years ago. The blowjob target here: Bro-lennials. But not just any Bro-lennials, specifically the homophobic, unironic fist-bump-explosion, brain-dead Bro-lennials. This, seriously, may have been the dumbest alcohol campaign in the history of fermentation/distillation. 

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ADDENDUM:

There is, in fact, one very good beer campaign out there right now. It's the Newcastle "No Bollocks" effort. Excellent branding. Agency: Droga5, NYC. And no: Dos Equis's "Most Interesting Man in the World" is not a great beer campaign. It's merely a decent campaign. Sorry.

I'm thinking, maybe? the problem here with these bad beer ads is that Millennials, the new "creative class", are the ones creating them. And, they—somehow—think they're good? Discuss.

When Advertising Lied Harder: Schlitz Beer 1936.

(welcome to When Advertising Lied Harder, a new semi-regular feature on copyranter which will present retro ads that fibbed with glee.)
Like my girlfriend and I, did you choke down a case of awful Schlitz beer each and every week last winter? If you had, you'd be enjoying "sunny summer health" too. (click ad) "Beer is good for you—but Schlitz with Sunshine Vitamin D, is extra good for you." I guess post-Prohibition, mid-Great Depression beer ad claim vetting was handled by some low-level FDA drunkard. previous vintage beer ads: Bud 1934 ad; PBR's 1940s hipster pedigree; and Schaefer: the greatest slogan in the history beer.
(image via)

Girlie Girls, here's a new girlie beer just for you!

(via)
HURRAY! Actually, Animée Beer has been out since July, but this is the first ad (Isn't it pretty?!?) for the "lightly sparkling, finely filtered" beer. It comes in three flavors: clear filtered, crisp rosé (Pink!), and zesty lemon. It's via Molson Coors. Says spokeswoman Kristy McCready:
"Animée is the result of an extensive research programme that looked at why women in Britain aren’t reaching for beer. The result is a new beer unlike others in the category, which we hope will break down these barriers. Animée is feminine and sophisticated."
The campaign launches with outdoor ads by London agency VCCP Blue. It'll be the official beer of Sex And The City 3. SEX AND THE CITY!
Previously in: Insulting marketing to women.

You're looking at the new Official Ironic Beer of Hipsters™.

(click)
Alas, it's just a concept can.
Scene:
Williamsburg. Bearded 20-something dressed something like this, disaffected air so thick, you could cut it with one of his whiskers. "Barkeep (that was he calls bartenders), Beer please." "What kind of beer?" "(snickers) Beer". "What brand?" "Be-er". (His friends join in the snickering. They already looked behind the bar and noticed that "Beer" wasn't on the shelf in this "mainstream" "cool" bar they never go to. They walk out, feeling the most superior they've felt in a couple of days.)
Scene.

When beer ads blew sunshine up your ass.

(click ad) Joseph Schlitz was a lying sack of shitz. This 1936 Schlitz ad joins its sunshiny sister ad in the Lies Well Disguised™ Hall of Fame. The copy is drunk with hyperbole: "That feeling of radiant health enjoyed on a breeze-swept deck—that sense of bracing invigoration and fresh vitality—are captured for you in each sparkling, foam-capped glass of Schlitz, the beer with Sunshine Vitamin D. (...) Beer is good for you—but Schlitz...is extra good for you." If you've ever tasted Schlitz, well then you know that that steering fluid-like can is the most accurate thing in the ad (image via). Previous vintage Schlitz ad: 1950s—"don't worry darling, you didn't burn the beer!"

(NSFW) Skinny Blonde beer turns YouTube into BoobTube.

100% unsubtle clip for Australia's new ridiculously-named Skinny Blonde beer. It's a staring contest. She likes to pretend her "eyes are frozen." Note the bongo track. Go ahead and play her, before the vid gets pulled. You lose at the :39 mark. The video actually ties into the beer's packaging: as you hold onto and warm-up the bottle, the blonde's bikini top disappears, like a classic striptease pen. More blondes, bikinis and yes, boobs, at the new website (via). The Coors and Bud marketing boobs can only jerk off in admiration. previously in: NSFW beer spots.

The Walmart Beer Battleship—$19.97.

(click image, via reddit) Earlier this week, you gazed upon the Walmart Beer Tank. Now all we need is a Walmart Beer F-16. We get it Walmart: you support our troops getting shitfaced on shitty Belgian-owned beer.

copranter: what are T*Ts selling today?

(click ad)
Heineken-owned Aussie beer Foster's. Old ad, year unknown. Tits have of course sold beer lots (example : a beer mug made to look like a tit). But this is a rather unsubtle execution. TITS: WHAT CAN'T THEY SELL? Related: Another Aussie beer brand, Hahn, produced this aural T&A commercial.

BEER FOR (moronic) MEN ONLY (print ads).

(click ads, via) That's what the ad agency press note said about 13% alcohol Helldorado beer—"For Men Only". You got that, bitches—YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BEER. No, it's for macho simpletons like depicted in the above canvases titled, "the fine art of being a man". Yes. Quite. Ad agency: CCZ, Curitiba, Brazil.
Three previous stupid, sexist beer campaigns here.

Sexist Ad Watch: Czech Republic.

(click ad)
The ad, for non-alcoholic Budvar beer, won a Silver Drum at last week's Golden Drum Awards. It ran in mook mag Maxim, so proper targeting. Now, I know some of you less kneejerky dudes out there are going to say: "It's not sexist copyranter, it's celebrating women." Sure sure. The idea of beer goggles is not offensive. Go ask a woman.
Ad agency: Kaspen/Jung von Matt, Prague.
Previously in sexist beer ads:
• Czech man wishes his wife was a sex doll.
• Offensive beer goggle ads via Singapore.

On lazy-ass copywriting.

Heineken Light, from what I've read, has been a huge success for the Dutch brewery. Which makes it an ideal case study for supporting the argument (well, mine) that good advertising is not needed to successfully launch a product.
OK. To the ads. Seduce Your Palate? Other ads in the campaign are headlined "Temptation Has A Taste" and "Succumb To Smooth." So, is a low-rent romance novelist daylighting as a copywriter here? This pap just might be the worst beer advertising in the history of hops and barley. Yet, it has worked—or at least, not gotten in the way. It makes one (well, me) consider that a big product shot and big logo, combined with "New" as a headline, is all the "creativity" that's ever really needed in advertising.
(poster on Crosby between Prince & Spring)
previously in skunky beer ads:
1. When beer ads tried harder to suck.
2. Bud Select. Expect Everything?
3. U.S. soccer ads as creative as U.S. soccer team.
4. "Darker. No, make him DARKER."

Quite possibly, the stupidest beer commercial ever.

It's so stupid, you think it has to be a parody of a stupid beer commercial. But a parody would be, you know, funny. One does almost have to admire the complete lack of tact with that ass shot, though. Wow. Beer brands: forever portraying men as complete fucking morons.

Finally, a Yogurt for Hardass Men.

(via) It is a fear that grips men the world over by the nut sack: being perceived as a pussy. This fear, fed mostly by beer ads, seems especially vivid in Australia and New Zealand. Recent evidence: These Kiwi beer commercials (one, two) that stuck brand flags in the asses of rugged men, and these Aussie beer campaigns (one, two) that mercilessly mocked wimpy Metrosexuals.
Now, the Mammoth (like my penis) Supply Company would like to let Kiwi males know that there exists a thick yogurt they can eat without detaching their dicks. This is not Julian Assange's yogurt. The script reads like an informal marketing study. Look for the popcorn cock grab. Ad agency: Shine Unlimited, Auckland.

Quite possibly, the strangest beer ad ever.

(click ad, via)
Never mind the anthropomorphised blue ribbon bowlers. That's not the strangest thing in this PBR ad from 1944. Read that poem. If you can't, here:
Now Mrs Carruthers was new of the game,
And yet she scored X's in frame after frame,
And despite her exceptional avoirdupois
Her bowling drew bursts of applause from the boys
Her footwork or form didn't harm her a bit
As she knocked out a spare - or a difficult split -
For Mrs. Carruthers incentive was clear . . .
The prize was a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer!
Avoirdupois?!? This is probably the one and only time that that word has appeared in a beer ad, or any ad. It's fancy talk for calling Mrs. Carruthers FAT. PBR sure did some strange ads in the 1940s.

"After six mugs, we all go skinny-dipping in the fjord."

(click ad) "Our brew!" screams the line on this retro Norwegian ad for Brigg beer. Their expressions may say "badasses," but the sweaters say "softies." The Will Ferrell doppelgänger almost kills the vibe with that friggin' ascot/kerchief (image via). Previous retro beer ads: Schlitz 1936—with vitamin D. Schlitz 1950s—dinner's burnt, let's get drunk. Bud 1934—the blackest butler ever. PBR 1940s—even then, the choice of artsy hipsters. Schaefer 1960—the greatest tagline in beer history.

This Guinness Halloween ad sucks.

(click ad, via)
Why is it in a field of pumpkins? Does Guinness taste like pumpkins? Not last time I checked. Did Guinness release a new pumpkin-flavored beer? No? How dare you sully the ad reputation of the best stout in the world with your no idea ad? Ad agency: The Marketing Store, Toronto. Previous good Guinness ads:
• the simplest beer ad ever.
• the smallest beer ad ever.

Beer Package Design Hall of Fame.

(click image, via reddit)
Yes, this is a real beer via the state of Utah, land of the magic underwear.
Previously: Russian sexxxy beer.

Australian beer brand attacks already dead metrosexual—one of whom looks an awful lot like Tom Cruise...

(click ads to read copy)
Admittedly, the casting and photography are good, and the copy is creative enough. But this "save the males" anti-metrosexual print campaign via Australian beer Barons is an idea who's time has come and gone (the accompany video has been online for a couple of months). Five years ago, I would have said 'decent approach.' But scores of brands in that time—from deodorants to autos—have beaten the de-balled male stereotype to death. And what's with Karl (lower right), the Cruise dopplegänger (actually, vice-versa)? (images via) Previously in: metrosexuals in advertising. Previously in: outdated sexist beer ads.

12 Advertising Headlines That Mean Absolutely Fucking Nothing.

(via some mall in Atlanta)

Shakespeare once described advertising (or maybe it was Life) as "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Today, of course, most advertising means little or nothing. But some of it means more nothing than the rest. Here is some of that—a collection I've been compiling for awhile.

(snapped on the Upper West Side)

Well, that's...right? Better than "like smegma".
(I do like the product shot art direction of Stoli's new campaign, very Commie.)

(on an A train)

Forget the "CARPE P.M." groaner pun, focus on the sign-off line. "Most Refreshing"? That doesn't mean "tastiest". What does it mean? The most water? Now add in "The Night's" and the line actually becomes less than meaningless.

(in Times Square)

Latin-based puns are hot now.
If this was an ad for the NSA, it would make sense. But it isn't.

(near Columbus Circle)

Ready for what—besides taking my money? To be robbed? And who's "New York"? Anyway: who had the better beard? Wells? or Fargo?

How about that for a USP? Coffee you can actually drink. Donuts you can actually eat. VISIBLE WORDS YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE.

The meaningless of this line is headache-inducing, much like cable company customer service. The four words add up to nothing to the power of infinity, xfinity.

(via Australia)

Ad bursting with bullshit.
I see only "OH!" on the bottle. Maybe 'YEAH!" is listed in the ingredients.

(on an A train)

It's in "quotes" I guess to emphasis the spoken-ness. How bout "English"? Is that "spoken" there, stupid New Jersey school of "higher" "learning"?

The shit-beer's all-encompassing, utterly meaningless tagline for a couple years now.
• Friend just got eaten by a bear? PERFECT.
• Sharted? PERFECT.
•Beer-tasting contest? PERFECT.

Not only means nothing, but is about the laziest piece of copywriting I've ever seen. What do I win? Are you giving away a free beer to everybody who sees this ad? Find yourself a new agency, Corona. (Ad is by Cramer-Krasselt.)

(in Penn Station)

Another literal headache-inducer.
2nd ad: GRAB THE FIGURATIVE BEAR BY THE LITERAL FUR.

Package Design Update: Russian Sexxxy Beer.

(click image, via) Well, Stella says their beer is a woman. Here, some Russian brand reminds men that beer is sex. One standalone can: just some graphic cityscape. But lined up in the liquor store freezer: fishnets, garters, panties, and thighs. That has to help sales. Thanks to Vinnie for the tip!
Previous sexxxy package designs:
• Tom of Finland bulging cock bag.
• These Japanese muffins are the tits!