Inner Monologues of the DIRECTV Marionettes.

NOTE: Click on the images to watch the commercials.

THE SON

How come I don't have a penis yet? ... Dad's got a penis ... I ain't even got a knob ... I wonder if mom has a vagina. Of course she has a vagina, dummy! YOU came out of her vagina, according to Miss Abernathy ... I wish Nathan would stop trying to light me on fire ... and showing me his penis ... I know we need the money cause of Dad's "problem" but why do we have to do so many takes? At least I finally got a TV in my room ... Run my Mac on it ... watch that dirty puppet stuff Nathan showed me ... Gonna watch Team America after this ... Sigh, here we go again...

 

47 TAKES! W-T-F! AND THEY'RE STILL ALL LAUGHING ... JERKS ... LIKE I'M REALLY ACTUALLY STUPID ENOUGH TO LET THIS HAPPEN ... HOW COME THEY CAN'T USE A STUNT PUPPET ... YOU DON'T GET A GOOD LOOK AT MY FACE ... LOOK AT MY DAD ... HE'S SMILING! ... HE'S NOT ACTING ... HE CAN'T BE MY REAL DAD ... I'M LOOKING HIM UP ON THE INTERNET ... JERK.

THE FATHER-IN-LAW

Scale ... I'm getting paid fucking scale for this horse-hockey ... To look like a pussy-ass ... Fuckers at the VFW gonna ... GOD dammit ... Fuck em ... Got em free fucking DIRECTV ... Sure as shit ain't payin' for beer for awhile ... Can't believe my baby married this smirking pantywaist ... Let's hook some strings up to his ass, see what's he really got ... slip his manipulator a twenty... Coldcock him back to Pussyville...

THE WIFE

There's a black man in our home ... That's a first ... I don't think Rich has any black friends ... I certainly don't ... Rich says he's a well-known commercial actor ... He's good! He really seems freaked out ... Is lemonade racist? Jesus, my manipulator sucks ... They shoulda got the guy from Being John Malkovich ... I can't believe I'm wearing this short slutty dress ... They said I could keep it, though ... Shit, tonight's book club... 

I told the manipulator to make it look like I was doing "Running Man". Asshole ... I'm going on YouTube and apologizing to all of womankind for this misogynistic bullshit ... Rich is going to ask for another "no splinters" blowjob tonight ... Like I can help it ... I'm gonna make him fuck me ... I just want another child out of this sham of a marriage, a girl ... Rich doesn't ... But Bobby needs a sister ... I stopped taking the Pill ... He'll never know... 
__________

Ad agency: Grey, NYC, an agency that was known as a shitty sweat shop in the 1980s and 90s, has done some great work in the last 5-10 years (guided by creative director Tor Myhren). This campaign, however, is a huge step backwards. Awful. Unfunny. NOTE: DIRECTV has removed the "Do You Still Think I'm Pretty?" spot from their YouTube page.

GEN WHINE.

I would genuinely like to apologize to Gen Y-ers/Millennials for this post. I didn't really mean everything ... most everything ... half ... a lot ... OK, some of what was written here previously. I am going through a "life-event" that has me very, very, very, very, VERY angry at said life (Well, more than usual. No, it's not my ongoing unemployment). Sorry. Carry on, conquer the world, etc. But if you'd like a transcript, let me know!

An Examination of the Metaphorical Representation of Shit in Advertising.

"Complex Shit", by Paul McCarthy, 2008.

Constipation. Diarrhea. Explosive Diarrhea. We've all had them. We will all continue to have them. Thus, Shit Manipulation is big business for Big Pharma. But how does one visually address such a disgusting topic in ads? Let's take a figurative look up your asshole.

Dulcolax. "Only You Can Set Them Free."

(click image to enlarge)

Above is a new ad just pushed out the PR poop chute this week by McCann China. Dulcolax is one of the world's leading laxative brands, made by $15 billion German pharmaceutical giant Boehringer Ingelheim.

The anthropomorphized "Shits" here are imprisoned in your anus, as you can see. The Shits have eyes. A couple of the Shits have boobs. Child Shits are present. One of the Shits, the one marking the days on the "prison" wall has been up your ass a long time. If you've ever had a colonic, you know this is accurate. Dulcolax will not save him.

The "prison" execution, however, is not an original one in Shitvertising. (It's even been done before, using an anthropomorphized Sperm, to sell condoms in Brazil.)

Dulcolax. "Set It Free."

(click image to enlarge)

The above Dulcolax ad was done by Saatchi & Saatchi Italy back in 2009. (There's also a chicken leg layout.) Saatchi went for the more tasteful visual approach of showing your stuck Shit still in its pre-digested form. The protest sign headline/product shot is a nice touch. Still, I prefer McCann's artwork. There are no original ideas anymore, anywhere, ad infinitum, etc.

Dulcolax. "Rats"

(click image to enlarge)

Borrowing heavily and suspiciously from "Ratatouille", this 2009 Dulcolax ad by Callegari Berville Grey in Paris is some funny shit. The Shit here of course is an unseen roaring subterranean river. Note the rat with Mickey Mouse ears, and another one with an "End Is Near" sign.

Dulcolax. "Rollercoaster"

This is a student concept ambient piece from 2012, via South Korea.

Here, you, the people, play the part of—thanks to Dulcolax—fast-moving Shit.

Dulcolax. "Moses"

(click image to enlarge)

We will end the Dulcolax run, so to speak, with this biblical 2009 ad via Brazil, titled (by me): "Let my people go...to the bathroom." Here, the Dulcolax package is Moses, the pills are the Ten Commandments tablets (note that two pills have apparently been swallowed), the Red Sea is your colon, the Jews are foodstuffs (uh, Shit), and Canaan is a toilet.

That is some Epic Shit.

Bisolax. "Because Shit Is Not Worth Collecting."

(click images to enlarge)

Next: here's a rather graphic campaign from last year via Thailand for Bisolax, a smaller laxative brand popular in the country. (ad agency: KingKong, Bangkok). We have a trophy on the wall Shit, and a commemorative plate Shit. If you can provide me with proof that these ads were approved by the client and actually ran in a publication, I will eat Shit.

Bisolax. "Lamp Post."

Staying in Thailand, this is a Bisolax ad from 2005, by BBDO Bangkok.

We have an anthropomorphic Mom Shit grabbing her toy-store-enamored Child Shit, because it's...TIME TO GO.

Levolac. "It's so easy to do a poo..."

Translation:

"Even if you're constipated, no need to feel ill-fated.

It's so easy to do a poo with Levolac helping you."

Back to 2007, and a Finnish TV spot for Levolac (by agency Bob Helsinki). Here you, the people, again play the part of pieces of Shit. The revolving door and train scenes are fine, but the trees scene is a bit forced, so to speak.

All-Bran. "Do It. Feel It."

This 2007 commercial is, in my estimation, the best piece of American Shitvertising ever created. The three Shit metaphors are perfect: The steel beam; the barrels seemingly rolling right out of the man's ass; and finally, the "shitload" of bricks. Excruciatingly painful, shitty sign off line. Still, bravo, Leo Burnett, Chicago.

Activia. "Release Yourself From Constipation."

(click image to enlarge)

Activia yogurt campaign from 2012, by Y&R Mexico (there are also cow and sheep versions). It's similar to the prison ideas, with the animals playing the part of stuck Shit. Maybe just eat less meat? The mouse hole is of course your asshole.

Senokot Laxative. "Hitler"

Having shit, Shitler is now as happy as shit, I guess.

Ad from 2012 by EuroRSCG Johannesburg.

Imodium. "Subway"

Lastly, a couple of executions form the other end of the Shitting spectrum, so to speak. In this 2010 Imodium (a McNeil/Johnson & Johnson cash cow) ad by JWT Spain, the good people of Tokyo play the part of Shit (in this case Diarrhea). But: this photo would work better for a laxative, as opposed to a costive, right? This is some weak-ass Shit.

Imodium. "Golfer"

This ad, from 2011 by JWT Canada, doesn't really fit the criterion of the post, as Shit is represented by actual Shit. But I just thought it was funny.

When Advertising, and Humanity, Tried Harder.

The 19 worst "Business Teamwork" stock photos.

1. (four associates examine a bell pepper)

I searched "Business Group Teamwork" on Getty and sifted through 41,177 photos to bring you this post. For authenticity, I didn't sign in to remove the watermarks.
Click photos to enlarge.

2. These "coworkers" have absolutely nothing in their offices. Not one fucking thing.

3. Title: "Authority".
That's it. That's all it said.

4. Title: "Acting Savagely".
Lord of the Flies office.

5. Just turn in your reports,
you metaphorical doofus.

6. All three women are wearing the exact same pair of fuck-me pumps. Nice work, stylist.

7. I have nothing to add.

8. On the floor.

9. Cliche + Racism = Awkward Stock Photo Hall of Fame.

 10. Subtle, Getty.

11. Part of the "business people outside with colored big balls" series. There are also "yellow ball" and "white ball" sets.

12. The man is using two water glasses as binoculars. This is not mentioned in the description.

13. I believe they're headed to a scheduled mass suicide.

14. I don't know.

15. Either making sure they haven't hired any black people, or clean hands = clean decks, or something.

16. It's "Red Shirt Friday", Mary.
WHERE'S YOUR RED SHIRT?

17. HERE IT IS, TEAM.
THE "MISSING PIECE TO THE PUZZLE".

18. Happy Birthday, Boss.

19. Lastly, there's this grey- and blue-besuited group of pale white middle managers looking for divine intervention to save their useless jobs.

Men's Deodorant Marketing is Malarkey.

Remember:

Mitchum—So Effective, You Can Skip A Day™

That was the Revlon brand's tagline for about 20 years, up until 2005. I mean, what the fuck do we have an FDA for if an antiperspirant can get away with that bald face lie?

Today, spurred by Unilever's Degree, men's deodorant has become a field of biotechnology, at least according to the ridiculous language used in its marketing. To Degree's webpage.

RECHARGE TECHNOLOGY™

Read that copy. Take in every word.

• It has RECHARGE TECHNOLOGY™? Can I plug my iPhone into it? Can I apply some on my tongue during a long run?

• It's "engineered to help you stay ahead of sweat." How-now-what? Does it go into my glands and sit there waiting with microscopic shammies?

• "Up to 3x strength wetness protection... "Up to"—one of the most powerful wiggle ad terms ever created. 'Up to" basically means "not". And "3x" what, exactly? Nothing? Water? Your shitty original basic deodorant?

•"...continuously rebuilds odor fighters..." Are your "odor fighters" nanobots, Degree? And if so, I guess your formula also includes maintenance nanoids who rebuild the fighting nanobots? Do you have a detailed diagram to show me exactly how this works?

MOTIONSENSE™ TECHNOLOGY

 

• MOTIONSENSE™ TECHNOLOGY— is this the same "technology" used with advanced infrared security systems? Does it call the odor fighting nanobots when it detects sweat? Or does this formula not have that bit of engineering in it? Should I maybe use a half stroke of each of these two Degrees for optimum perspiration excretion retardation?

(above: Epinephrine [adrenaline] structure)

• "...responds to increases in adrenaline..."Really? How does it respond? Does it...produce a chemical reaction that releases noradrenaline into the blood stream?  Does it shrug? Does it respond to both the adrenaline "secreted by the medulla of the adrenal glands...", and that "produced at the ends of sympathetic nerve fibres" (Wikipedia)?

• "...responds directly to your body movement..." OK, less of biochemical claim here. But again: how does it respond? And what the fuck does "responds directly" mean?  And, what "body movement" does it respond to, because my body moves for many hours 100% of the time after I put on my deodorant in the morning.

Degree has been running this Clint Dempsey soccer ad during the World Cup. The copy starts with this asinine statement: "Everything can be improved..." And we finally get a chart! It claims that Degree beats Old Spice with regards to a longer lasting smell of "freshness/fragrance" based on a "consumer home use study". Not a very scientific study, then. Ho-kay.

DEGREE GIRL

Meanwhile, above is how Degree promotes their "Girl" formula.

MITCHUM

"FIGHTS ODOR BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS". Mitchum doesn't get as scientific as Degree, but they've got their own technologically specious, trademarked website copy. And they're basically claiming the same thing—it works on something that isn't there.

 

Even though "skip a day" is no longer their tagline, Mitchum is still trying to claim that it works for 48 straight hours, though less aggressively.

• Oxygen Odor Control Technology™ Oxygen, huh? How does this "technology" work, exactly?

•"...releases pure oxygen...throughout the day..." Pure oxygen. Gets released. Does the oxygen in your formula break free from its water compound buddy hydrogen? Why not have your formula release pure hydrogen? That would burn everything away—odor, sweat, hair, skin, etc. Very painful, but very effective. You could call this scent version "Barbecued Meat".

Funny, nobody mentions aluminum anymore in their deodorant marketing copy—most leading antiperspirant brands contain aluminum compounds and it is the main ingredient that actually "fights" wetness, and therefore, odor. This omission is probably because of that whole deodorants & antiperspirants cause breast cancer kerfuffle.

ADDENDUM

Speaking of deodorant marketing, let's take a trip back to 2005 to check out one of the dumbest bro-targeted campaigns of the bro generation. It was this "Mitchum Man" effort which courted the dumbest, basest of bros, and also encouraged future revenge porn (far right ad, click image).

The website is long dead, but it featured a "man-o-meter" hosted of course by a stripping model.

While I'm no fan of the Old Spice "The Man Your Man Could Smell Like" Isaiah Mustafa goofiness, it wins these days simply by default.