Inner Monologues of the DIRECTV Marionettes.

NOTE: Click on the images to watch the commercials.

THE SON

How come I don't have a penis yet? ... Dad's got a penis ... I ain't even got a knob ... I wonder if mom has a vagina. Of course she has a vagina, dummy! YOU came out of her vagina, according to Miss Abernathy ... I wish Nathan would stop trying to light me on fire ... and showing me his penis ... I know we need the money cause of Dad's "problem" but why do we have to do so many takes? At least I finally got a TV in my room ... Run my Mac on it ... watch that dirty puppet stuff Nathan showed me ... Gonna watch Team America after this ... Sigh, here we go again...

 

47 TAKES! W-T-F! AND THEY'RE STILL ALL LAUGHING ... JERKS ... LIKE I'M REALLY ACTUALLY STUPID ENOUGH TO LET THIS HAPPEN ... HOW COME THEY CAN'T USE A STUNT PUPPET ... YOU DON'T GET A GOOD LOOK AT MY FACE ... LOOK AT MY DAD ... HE'S SMILING! ... HE'S NOT ACTING ... HE CAN'T BE MY REAL DAD ... I'M LOOKING HIM UP ON THE INTERNET ... JERK.

THE FATHER-IN-LAW

Scale ... I'm getting paid fucking scale for this horse-hockey ... To look like a pussy-ass ... Fuckers at the VFW gonna ... GOD dammit ... Fuck em ... Got em free fucking DIRECTV ... Sure as shit ain't payin' for beer for awhile ... Can't believe my baby married this smirking pantywaist ... Let's hook some strings up to his ass, see what's he really got ... slip his manipulator a twenty... Coldcock him back to Pussyville...

THE WIFE

There's a black man in our home ... That's a first ... I don't think Rich has any black friends ... I certainly don't ... Rich says he's a well-known commercial actor ... He's good! He really seems freaked out ... Is lemonade racist? Jesus, my manipulator sucks ... They shoulda got the guy from Being John Malkovich ... I can't believe I'm wearing this short slutty dress ... They said I could keep it, though ... Shit, tonight's book club... 

I told the manipulator to make it look like I was doing "Running Man". Asshole ... I'm going on YouTube and apologizing to all of womankind for this misogynistic bullshit ... Rich is going to ask for another "no splinters" blowjob tonight ... Like I can help it ... I'm gonna make him fuck me ... I just want another child out of this sham of a marriage, a girl ... Rich doesn't ... But Bobby needs a sister ... I stopped taking the Pill ... He'll never know... 
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Ad agency: Grey, NYC, an agency that was known as a shitty sweat shop in the 1980s and 90s, has done some great work in the last 5-10 years (guided by creative director Tor Myhren). This campaign, however, is a huge step backwards. Awful. Unfunny. NOTE: DIRECTV has removed the "Do You Still Think I'm Pretty?" spot from their YouTube page.