Sunday, August 03, 2014

Biggest Brand Social Media Dipshits of 2014.

(dipshit training)

Hello Brands!
I've noticed that, more and more, EVERY DAY! you all are trying so hard! to be my "friend"! But! You also "love" (!!!)  ALL your "fans" and "followers"! But! What you really love are "Likes" and "Favorites"! You call it "Engagement"! You wanna be "engaged" with your fans and followers!
How romantic!
I've also noticed that you really love listicles!!!!!
Well, here's a fucking listicle for you.
Listed from bad to the worst.

7. DiGiorno

Instead of taking the tiniest bit time to be original, Brand Twidiots desperately look to their social media calendars for the next "event" onto which they can awkwardly piggyback their product. The juvenile and yet unfunny DiGiorno feed wins for the blatantly braindeadiest piggybacking of 2014. This tweet is just the worst one of a continuously swirling cesspool of shit "content". Laughing at yourself doesn't make it any less stupid, dipshit. At least they're consistent with the tone of their moronic brand messaging: this perfectly matches their shit-awful TV commercials.

6. KLM
This World Cup-related tweet is more creative than 99.99% of this year's brand social media "content"—somebody actually took the time to make a mildly clever ad-like line/visual tweet. Bravo. But while mildly clever, the tweet was also casually racist and epically idiotic for an international airline that flies to Mexico. And to tweet it after your country beat the sombrero-wearers on a penalty kick awarded for an obvious dive enraged people all over the world. KLM deleted the tweet within 30 minutes, and tried to apologize. But not before inciting Mexican actor Gael García Bernal to use the F word.

5. KFC
Hmm. Is there anything...tasty about an earthquake? Think people! See if you can work our new stupid hashtag into a tweet about last night's 5.7 magnitude quake. Any deaths? Don't know? No reports yet? Well, it can't be as bad as last October's. Do will sell shakes? OK, no we wont go there. How bout: "Don't be a chicken! Eat some!" ("Let's all hope that everyone is safe and so good" sounds like KFC is promoting post-disaster cannibalism.)

 4. Burger King

To BK's Kiwi Facebook page, and the worst case of comment grubbing of 2014, and maybe ever. This is like a special-ed test, except instead of getting placed with the regular 1st graders, you get a fucking sandwich. Hey they're giving away a whole five of them! I wonder how many people did it incorrectly, and went back in and edited. Who's being subservient now, bitch-ass fans?

3. Sony

Eat 20 pancakes, you engorged fucking pigs! The FUCK we care about your health, we're just a mobile phone company. I would say this was a secret cross-promo with IHOP, except it's via England. "Best attempts?" Puke and ambulance and diabetes test selfies were acceptable, I guess.

2. Cottonelle

What the fuck am I looking at? My best guess: A bald Donald Trump is taking a shit sans toilet paper in one of his towers because his last two rolls stole his rug, smashed a window and jumped—he's gonna have to wipe with one of his monogrammed handkerchiefs. I think that's your Hemorrhoids that are tingling, Cottonelle Twitter manager, not your "spidey senses". This is even worse event piggybacking than the DiGiorno tweet.

1. Pop-Tarts

And, the clear Social Media Dipshit winner this year so far is the Kellogg's poptarts411 Twitter feed—for just going right ahead and launching the brand right into the middle of the Israeli-Palestinian war. Hey, not-blown-up children love Pop-Tarts! Both of these tweets are from the last few days. "World peace starts with being nice to each other..." Got that, John Kerry? Maybe CEO John Bryant should start a Kellogg's Marshall Plan and air-drop in peanut butter Pop-Tarts for both sides. Cease fire! Yummy (non-kosher) battle break! #GoneNutty

PREVIOUSLY:  See more Social Media Dipshitiness here on VICE.

MAIN SOURCE: the Condescending Corporate Brand Facebook page. Click the link and follow them, dipshits, for indispensable tips on how not to be a dipshit. They update daily.

NOTE: this list will be updated at year's end.

NOTE: Need a good in-house creative? Hire me.


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