Monday, September 29, 2014

The 5 Worst American Iraqi War Operation Brand Names.

(not an official logo)

In July, Israel launched "Operation Protective Edge" against Hamas in Gaza. What does that mean, do you think? Why doesn't the press ask what it means? Because you know days were spent around conference room tables committee-ing that name to death. Why not "Operation Protect Israel"? Or, "Operation Protective Force"? "Edge", I guess, says that Israel wanted to convey that they are superior, both militarily and morally, to their foes. Fine.

America doesn't have a brand name yet, at least not publicly, for its new tactical bombing campaign against ISIS militants in Iraq and Syria. (How about "Operation IslamaBomb?)  But my search for the name sent me to Wikipedia and the brand names of past American actions, incursions, and whatnots in Iraq.

Here are the five worst.
(probably not the official logo)

1. "Operation Desert Fox"—Bombing of Iraq (1998).
This name probably caused German WWII Afrika Korps field marshal Erwin Rommel —nicknamed by the British "The Desert Fox"—to punch his coffin lid until he broke all his bony knuckles. And for good reason. How dare the American army brass besmirch Rommel's good name—he refused high command orders to round up Jews, treated POWs humanely, and committed suicide with a cyanide pill after being implicated in a late war plot to kill Hitler—in the name of a pathetic four-day air-bombing operation aimed at destroying Iraq's nonexistent WMDs? Fuck you, Secretary of Defense William Cohen, and fuck you President Clinton for not making him change the unoriginal, tacky name.

2."Operation Planet X"—night raid in search of Ba'ath party members and militants (2003). The name came from the cartoon Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2 Century. "Ba'ath season, fire!" If I was Warner Bros., I would have sued the fuck out of the Pentagon.

3. "Operation Slim Shady"—Counterinsurgency operation designed to cripple the resources of Muqtada al-Sadr's militia (2004). The press release gives no reason why Eminem's alter ego was used as the code name, nor if Marshall Mathers gave legal permission to use the name.

4. "Operation William Wallace"—Counterinsurgency mission to destroy al-Qaeda elements in the Abu Tina area (2006). The Americans, rather disrespectfully, chose not to wear kilts and Scottish face paint during the operation. Kilts, combined with a hockey goalie iron cup jockstrap, would be an ideal desert battle outfit.

5."Operation Half Nelson"—An attempt to build trust with Iraqi civilians and eliminate terrorists (2006). Hm. Uh. Well.

NOTE: The Allied invasion of Normandy, France, D-Day, was dubbed—Operation Overlord. Now THAT was a war brand name. Majestic, with a can't-fail overtone. WE ARE THE SUPREME POWER, krauts. Bravo.


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