Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Great (cough) idea.

Swiss herbal cough drop maker Ricola (They don’t work any better than a Jolly Rancher, believe me. I worked on a Ricola pitch as a freelancer. Taste good though.) is running a promotion this Winter wherein a person who gives the “Mystery Cougher”—an actor fake coughing—a Ricola cough drop may win a million bucks. The supposed Cougher will supposedly be in NYC this Friday.
Yeah, Riiiiight.
Let’s take a look-see at this moment in Promotion Retardation from a local POV. I’ll use Marketing Director-friendly (Most of them are illiterate, believe me. I write their business letters.) Bullet Points:
• Have you Dillweeds ever riddin’ a subway? A person could blow through a case during one 20 minute trip without moving his/her feet. More importantly, the cough drop giver-outer would also probably be socked/stabbed/spit on 4-5 times. That’s a conservative estimate.
• Because... city people don’t like to be looked at, let alone talked to, LET ALONE offered a FUCKING cough drop from a FUCKING stranger that could be poison in a Ricola wrapper for all we know.
• Could you have AT THE LEAST included a disclaimer eliminating all the poor sick cold homeless folk as the potential mystery hacker?
• This Promotion is of course Bullshit, people. There is NO mystery cougher. Oh, the million bucks will be “given away”—to some fucking patsy in Buttfuck, Redstate.

15 Comments:

Anonymous kowgurl said...

Oh, i just can't WAIT for this trend to take off! The Mystery Farter promtion by Bean-o! The Mystery Cold Sore-Haver sponsored by Carmex! Yippee!

10:54 AM  
Blogger The Graduate said...

It's the truth! I would never take a cough drop from some random person on the street and even with this stupid promotion, I wouldn't want to offer someone else one either.

I wonder who's genius idea this promotion was.

11:34 AM  
Anonymous CSB said...

By all means, make fun of the marketing people. But be careful of making fun of Ricola, or the following might come to pass:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43956

12:39 PM  
Blogger ElMachino said...

Perhaps the "riddin'" usage was intended as a variation of a particular urban patois?

But picking up from kowgurl (anonymous, have at it), how about the Mystery Choker for the Heimlich Association, or the Mystery Rash Guy for the ointment industry? I think this has humorous and rather useful possibilities.

5:22 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

dearest anon(s): I apologize for my harsh words; I have removed that there comment where I called you a nerd-twat. Because it is the people, the anon people, that make this land—which is yours & mine—great. However, this blog is NOT yours and mine. It is just mine. So I will from now on delete with a swift finger of justice any fucking comment I fucking feel like, got it? It is either this, or eliminate cowardly anon comments completely and make you pussies who hurl personal insults my way attach a fucking email address to your useless words.

you need to take lessons from el machino who insults me with humor & intelligence, and therefore, is welcomed.

5:32 PM  
Blogger David said...

Just wait until you wake up one morning having "entertained" the mystery Valtrex sponsor.

5:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

gosh darn, you're fast. ok, i'm bored now.

6:48 PM  
Blogger Mike Bawden said...

I don't see what the big deal is about this promotion.

You get on a subway. Then find someone with a bad cough and seven foot long horn (or is that a wacky pipe of some kind) give them a Jolly Rancher and collect your money.

Right?

No problem. I should be in marketing.

11:46 PM  
Anonymous advertisingwithoutpity said...

ricola should just put those 7-foot bongs up for sale instead. they'd sell a shitload of those things.

1:02 AM  
Anonymous dealer said...

Glad to see the new year has brought a new Copyranter too, determined to get over his teenage bitterness and adolescent scepticism. Most moving.

5:27 AM  
Blogger copyranter said...

Dealer! My friend from the UK "empire." Why don't you eat the dick of a dead man?

Seriously readers, take a look at Dealer. He's quite funny. WARNING: He's also very NC-17.

9:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha, you have to write letters for marketing people? I can imagine what it's like having to keep a consistent voice with that assignment.

Oh, and the only city people who don't like to be looked at are people from New Jersey pretending they're all hard and so-cool, having come from Ridgewood, Montclair, or Princeton with the outershell of a panda. What makes the city better than Jerz is that people *actually are* friendly in the city.

9:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can't deal with female lawyers? How do you feel about female proofreaders? I believe you meant "look-see" up there. Dipshit.

9:38 AM  
Blogger copyranter said...

female lawyers are the worst fucks in manhattan. but thanks for the correction. I've changed it.

9:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I saw a couple having sex in public and I gave them a condom in case it happened to be the new durex promotion.

6:22 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home