Let's Write Some New Taglines For Red Bull!

As you've heard, Red Bull agreed to a $13 million settlement over an American class action lawsuit that alleged that the energy drink was “misleading customers” by making claims about the “functional beverage” and its ability to “give you wings”.  

So. Red Bull Gives You Wings is as dead as the fucking dodo.

Let's write some new taglines for the impossibly popular energy drink.

1.

 

Technically, still "wings" but it could confuse the courts for awhile. Company could maybe use it as a temporary placeholder until Ad Agency comes up with something original.

2.

If you're going to use the animals on your packaging, then why not use their famous virility in your ads? This slogan would require a slight modification to be made to their "energy" formula, maybe just add a bucket of Horny Goat Weed into each fresh vat. While thinnish, bull penises are normally about three feet long. I would also recommend adjusting the can artwork to display the dangling penises.

3.

Popularized by Wayne's World to mean "boner", Schwing could be a more attractive alternative, both linguistically and legally, to "Bull Dick". It would still require adding another bogus ingredient to the formula back at the plant.

4.

 

That's the formula for kinetic energy, or energy in motion. OK, it doesn't roll off the tongue, but it's educational! When's the last time a tagline taught you anything? That's right, never.

5.

Recalling a concept put forth in the 1990 advertising movie Crazy People (where Dudley Moore's character got ad headlines from his fellow mental patients), maybe honesty is the way to go to regain the public's trust in your specious product, post-settlement. Worth a shot. If I was CEO Dietrich Mateschitz (and had his $5 billion in the bank), this would be my "disruptive" move.

6.

Who knows? Might double sales.

7.

When the world knows you're weak, legally, it's time to bust out what we call in the industry the "wiggle" words: "nearly", "in its category", etc. Right, Carlsberg?

8.

9.

Maybe create an "interactive" tagline, let the people finish it in their minds.
That's some ace consumer "engagement", right marketing MBAs?

10.

(This is an inside joke for my former creative director.)

11.

Again, the best creatives steal. So why not steal from this SNL sketch (from back when SNL was funny), "Shimmer Floor Wax"? Just need to add a harmless manly fragrance to the formula. BOOM—could double sales overnight.