Friday, October 03, 2014

The Bullshittiest Buzzwordiest Advertising Week Tweets.

It was "Advertising Week" in New York City, this week.

What does that mean?


Not one fucking thing worth mentioning to anybody, anywhere on the entire fucking planet.

For four days every Fall, "luminaries" (their word) come to New York City for Advertising Week to talk about "creativity", and "storytelling", and "content." The word "content" was said cluelessly 100 trillion times in the last four days. Because the one thing almost every one of these luminaries has in common is that they have never made ad content. Not once. Never even had to face the challenge. In fact, the scenario of having to face a blank page or screen, over/underwritten brief in hand, would make most of them stop breathing/shit their fucking pants.

And yet: They all know what makes good content. They sit on director's chairs on daises for hours talking about it until their mouths run out of fucking saliva.

Get your nose clothespins, bullshit ahoy.


Let's start with the C-word. These are just three of the 100 trillion aforementioned mentions.
Which one is the most meaningless? If one of these was the last thing you heard before you died, which one would help things along the best?

WAIT! I forgot one C-word mention.
Yep. Even Kevin Fucking Spacey broke it out.
Spacey's ad expertise includes saying the word "hurty" in a UK Olympus commercial.

Sticking with celebrity ad experts, Jared Leto, former graphic designer for about five minutes, gives us his five cents. His non-stage NYC outfit was spotted by Jezebel.

"Culture" was the another big C-word all week.
Top—only if they have signed permission slips.
Bottom—That new "Marketing Mandate" replaces the old one: Get Out Of My Dreams And Into My Car.

What's the arrow pointing to? Hell.

Water Cooler Moments, also where brands drown.

"Fans" aka "consumers" aka "humans" were mentioned a lot.
Fan Rituals. Say it five times in a row, and it actually gains some meaning.

Thank you, Hyper Island, who "enables companies and individuals to develop, grow and rise to the challenges of tomorrow's transformative technology," according to their boring-ass website.

Speaking of "Change", Microsoft is selling it.
"DATA IS YOUR FRIEND," class. Now put your heads down and take a nap.

The Goog was all up in the Week's ass, of course.
The Sims live online. And some tech-savvy homeless people, I guess.
R—I bet that panel was fucking side-splitting.

Oh they're fast friends, alright.
They've been secretly banging the snot out of each other for years.

Millennials got their dicks and pussies licked a lot.

You forgot "Masturbation".

GOD, just STFU Wonder Man.

CORRECTION: Crumpled wrist bands on FAKE Grecian art sums it up.

What a stupid fucking logo.

—All images via AdAge.


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