Which of these Apple Christmas Ad Post Headlines is the Most Hyperbolic?

As Charlie Brooker (creator of "Black Mirror" and former ace ad critic) recently wrote, "exaggeration is the official language of the internet."

Released last week, Apple's "The Song" (by TBWA) sent bloggers desperately searching deep into their souls (or asses) to pull out the most disingenuously exaggerated, clickbaitiest heds. The only review I've read that came close to getting it right was Hannah Jane Parkinson's for The Guardian. She's correct: that's a very personal recording of the grandmother's, and the selfish granddaughter makes a gift that's all about HER.

Anyway, below are the worst ones. NOTE: I won't be linking to any of the posts because, simply, fuck them.

1. Jezebel

"Edgy" Jezebel uses an edgy cussy word to launch the ole "fake outrage" enticement. Feel the immediacy. You're clicking on the image, aren't you?

2. Complex

"Cool" website Complex "challenges" you not to click the link (stop clicking it, it's just a screengrab). "Make you cry" is so banal. They red-lined the overstatement meter.

3. ETonline

 

The tried and trite "guaranteed".

Seriously, fuck you Entertainment Tonight.

4. Pajiba

Own it?

5. WREG TV, Memphis

 Sorry, my dead grandmas. Please try to continue resting in peace.

6. Refinery29

Below, me, after watching the ad.
 

7. BuzzFeed

I would've bet a million bucks "FEELS" would show up in the BuzzFeed post. I believe they've trademarked the word. Which is a better form of mush: ball or puddle?

8. copyranter

THE COLLECTED COLLECTIVE TEARS

SHED OVER THIS APPLE AD

WOULD PROVIDE THE WORLD

WITH SAFE DRINKING WATER FOREVER.

I WIN.