Tommy Lee Jones Doesn't Give A Good Goddamn About Your Retirement.

Look at that pained face.
He looks like his IBS is acting up.
That is the face of an uninvested spokesperson.
You can unfurl all the big-ass banners behind him you want, Ameriprise. He is not going to change his Fuck You face or up his energy level one iota.
Is he squinting at the cue cards? Probably.
You want memorization? That's an extra mil.

But I'm fine with that! Jones shouldn't give a shit about my retirement, because Ameriprise doesn't either, except for how it can increase their year over year revenue.

Jones' three spots for Ameriprise have been in rotation the last couple of weeks. Their previous spokesman, Dennis Hopper (RIP), at least looked like he gave a shit. Before that, their campaign featured models posing as real people standing on red Eames chairs, for some undefined reason.

Back to Jones' sell job. These are the takes the client picked. Imagine what his less enthusiastic takes look like. I want to see those. But for now, let's look a bit closer at each ad.

1. "Tommy Lee Jones visits a shopping mall to ask people an important retirement question..."



The above bolded copy is how Amerprise describes this commercial on their YouTube page. First off, Jones sure as shit smells didn't "ask people" anything. Secondly, even though his hand is apparently on one of the mall's rails, I question if he was even in that mall. I smell—besides shit—digital trickery. Thirdly, that big banner was not unfurled in that mall—could have killed somebody. Fourthly, those people are of course actors, not shoppers. Fifthly, celebrity testimonials are the absolutely worst creative cop out available to advertisers with big money and no imagination. Sixthly, these are the worst celebrity testimonial ads I've ever seen. Seventhly, Malls are dying, like me, thanks for the reminder, Ameriprise.

2. "Tommy Lee Jones visits a small town. He asks residents a retirement question..."



OK, this one is more obvious: Jones is not in that "small town", he's in a studio. And again, he asked nobody nothing, though I do appreciate that he shows his gut here. And that even bigger banner was not unfurled in that "small town". And why don't the banners say something interesting/smart/something besides exactly what Jones is saying? Because Jones' readings are so devoid of personality, Ameriprise needed to bang Baby Boomers/GenXers over the head with their hard sell message. More actors, of course. WHERE ARE THE REAL, UGLY SMALL TOWN PEOPLE WITH FIVE GRAND IN A SOCK UNDER THEIR MATTRESS?

3. "Tommy Lee Jones reminds us that everyone has important retirement questions..."



Here, "City" Tommy...
No, I can't and won't do this anymore.