Wednesday, November 05, 2014

What if other brands went insane like McDonald's?

Last week, the Wall Street Journal reported that starting in January, McDonald's is going to launch a new campaign tagged with the childish na-na-na-na-na na! line "Lovin' Beats Hatin". The entire internet immediately hate-shat on it. Then this week, McDonald's said that they are not going to use it (yeah, we'll see), but they did trademark two other phrases, above bottom, which are, as you can see, even more inane. A greater-than sign? Jesus Christ in a fucking Happy Meal.

It is hard to believe that a cabal of old white men (of which, I am one), some with MBAs, approved any of this. Really hard. With the insipid but harmless I'm Lovin' It drilled into the world's head after 10+ years, following up with these phrases says to me that, not only is McDonald's acknowledging that people out there hate their food, but that they might be right—assuming that the undefined"It" has represented their food this whole time.

And wait til they see what the hatin' internet trolls (of which, I am one) are going to do when this campaign launches. I think McDonald's is seriously underestimating the powerfulness and resourcefulness of said trolls.

The old white men are obviously shitting their tighty-whiteys (or greys) as sales continue to drop like their wrinkly ball sacks (of which, I have one). This must be some extra-pushy marketing doofus's desperate idea of "connecting" with the "Youngs". I don' care what the commercials look like, this effort will not work. I guarantee it.

Anyway! Here are some equally deft imagined rebrandings.

Just Do It is just really an obnoxious tagline, don't you think? It's based on the last words of spree killer Gary Gilmore before he was executed. ("Let's do it." True story.) You just do it, shoe-empire-assholes. Who cares if it's the most successful tagline in marketing history, I need to be coddled and cajoled into exercising, don't you?

The energy drink recently settled a lawsuit which legally killed their "Gives You Wings" tagline. Their latest TV spot uses the can copy line "Vitalizes Body And Mind" as the kicker, which is a weenie move.

I say, just abandon your specious claims and say exactly what the U.S. District Court ruled about your rank product. Shove it right back at the Haters. I bet sales wouldn't suffer one bit, might even double.

Remember the rather racist Make A Run For The Border Taco Bell slogan from the 1990s? Well in the last few years, the Yum! Brands brand has been trying to capitalize on their deep Mexican heritage by using partial Spanish taglines. For you extreme xenophobes, Más means "more" (or "most").

But again, Live More/Most strikes me as a vague but overly aggressive command—it needs a 2014 update. Their slogan is a custom handwritten font. I'm a copywriter not an art director, so I just chose the "Wide Latin" typeface for their new taglines. They should keep using Spanglish to continue exploiting their rich Latin roots, but maybe be a little less macho. Top right: I mean, why not get right to the gluttonous, profitable point? Bottom left: "Live A Little More". Bottom right: Menos means "less".

Although you don't see the phrase much in their ads anymore, "Eat Fresh" is still the official tagline of Subway and has been for over 10 years. If you've eaten in at least a few of their restaurants, as I have, you probably have beef with that tagline. No matter.

Since they have mostly abandoned Eat Fresh, it's time Subway rolled out a new slogan. Why not steal McDonald's, since they're going to be dropping it? (They say "temporarily", but I say bullshit. You watch.) Start selling shitty microwaved hamburgers, too. Might get a big influx of new customers.

Lower left: Maybe go minimalist. Two-word taglines are so over. Got Milk? (dead). Never Follow (Audi, dead). Live Richly (shut-up Citibank). Everybody's gotta eat, right?

Or...they could bring back spokesmodel Jared in a big way, as long as he hasn't porked back up—everybody loved his electric on-screen presence. Plus—he's in the news! Some fat teenager who apparently tried the "Jared diet" robbed four of their restaurants because it didn't work. Real-time marketing, baby! Go brands, go!


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