Monday, October 06, 2014

Justin Bieber's Tattoos, Branded.

(the canvas)

As we all know, The Bieb's ever-growing tats collection is a road map of his spiritual journal from boy to man to king to god. And thousands of despicable websites have made lots of money off of obsessively documenting JB's ink for the hungry-for-Bieber-news masses.

That's fucking bullshit. Justin? It's time for you to turn your sweet ink into cash for your own brand by allowing brands to use your tattoos to sell shit.  Your loyal Belieber Army would march to stores, both manually and digitally, to empty shelves, both manual and digital. It would be one of the only instances in advertising history where ads could be guaranteed to work. The skrilla you would rake in, Bizzle.

Here are some possibilities, free of charge.
(click images to enlarge)

1. Owl

The owl is perched on a key. The key image was used during Bieber's Believe tour. Symbolism. Owls are symbols of wisdom. (Remember this classic Tootsie Pop commercial?) His owl looks very similar to the Wise brand owl. Done, and done. Wise would be kicking Frito-Lay's ass within months of launching the campaign.

2. Believe

Make. Believe (no second period) has been Sony's tagline since 2009. It's confusing, and it sure ain't as good as their previous one "Like No Other" or even the goofy "No Baloney". And the company currently is in deep shit. But Bieber, and his "Believe" ink—despite the awful typeface—would instantly send Sony's sales across all platforms God-ward. No doubt. BELIEVE.

3. Forgive

Inked by JB's favorite tattoo artist, "Bang-Bang". Bieber reportedly texted Bang-Bang: "Forgiveness is powerful, forgive as Jesus died on the cross to forgive our sins." Forgiveness is powerful, and nothing says "forgiveness" better than a pre-written card by Hallmark. A hallmark Hallmark sales year would ensue as weeping Beliebers flooded America's dying malls and scared the shit out of all the nice helpful old ladies in the Hallmark stores.

4. Tiger

There are only about 3,000 wild tigers left on earth—they're as good as dead. Way to go, human consciousness. Unless. Could Beliebers save the tiger? I wouldn't bet against them.

5. Compass

Internet Explorer would finally be killed dead, as would Firefox, Chrome, etc. Try to imagine how much money that would be worth to Apple.

6. Chief

What to do with Bieb's "racist" (not my word, the nanny internet's) chief tat. Give the kid a break, it's the mascot of the Stratford Cullitons (formerly, Warriors), a junior hockey team in Ontario. Bieber's dad took him to their games. Anyone who likes hockey is A1 in my people book.
Anyway, attach JB to the movement to get the Washington Redskins to change their racist name/mascot, and it would happen overnight.

7. YESHUA (Jesus)

Bieber, who is not Jewish, nevertheless recites the prayer Shema Yisrael before every performance (according to his manager). This tattoo resides on his ribcage. Tribe has gotten some bad PR recently about their new ad campaign here in NYC, and they are getting trounced by rival hummus Sabra in the US market. Using JB's tattoo (and endorsement), they should change their tagline from "You're Either A Member Or You're Not" (too snooty) to: YESHUA, THAT'S GOOD HUMMUS!

8. Psalm

Using a bible verse in advertising is wrong, I guess. But! what would Jesus do...about the energy crisis facing God's green earth? I think he would sign off on this ad, and ask his Father for forgiveness.

9. Mom's Eye

Bieber says he got a tattoo of his mom's eye to represent that she is always watching over him. That's nice. CBS, like all the major TV networks, could use a boost in the battle with HBO, Showtime, and Netflix. Design note: for 60+ years, the eye came after CBS in their logo. It was only recently changed, for some stupid reason.

10. Selena Gomez

Getting a (tacky) tattoo of your on-again off-again sweetie pie is nice and all, but how about helping a girl sell some clothes? That's chivalry, little man.

11. Jesus

JB's calf tattoo is based on Rubens' Ecce Homo painting. He is pro-life and has said that abortion = killing babies. Roe v. Wade would be in serious trouble in Bieber got actively involved. Note: You wanna get your eyes assaulted, Google "Pro-Life Logo".

12. Crown

Bieber's upper chest crown ink is supposedly a tribute to Michael Jackson, who of course was a big endorser of Pepsi, setting his hair on fire for the brand. Royal Crown used to be a legitimate 3rd player in the cola war. No more. They're now owned by Snapple who is own by Schweppes, and consumers have mostly forgotten they exist. JB could change all that with his tat. The Beliebers would force wider distribution, BOOM, saving the brand. I think MJ would approve.

13. Knight

I don't really get this Knight/Castle part of your arm sleeve Biebs, but whatevs. The HBO show, I would guess, ain't that popular with your loyal clan, but one noble nod from you and that would change instantly.

14. Rose

Supposedly related to the fact that he gave Gomez a rose for her 21st birthday. Meh. You're probably not gonna get your own big shoe deal Bieber. Better to help a playa like Derrick Rose out and get a piece of that rich pie. Rose not only has an Adidas deal but his own fucking logo. In fact, you should just get your tattoo altered to make it official and authentic.

15. Seagull

Lastly, there's Bieber first tattoo which he got on his 16th birthday, a seagull-ish thing on his lower abdomen, supposedly a reference to Bach's novel Jonathan Livingston Seagull (His dad and uncle have the same tattoo). Well, even an endorsement from you JB ain't gonna get kids to read that tedious allegory. So, Hollister it is. Not that the $1.5 billion brand needs any help.


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