Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
SITE FEED ADDED
Highlights from the Advertising Week Goody Bags that I haven’t picked up:
•a Summer’s Eve® Douche 4-pack
•a Massengill® Douche (with extra cleansing vinegar)
•a premium back scratcher
•a laminated, mounted, numbered authentic piece of bullshit
•one Plexiglas™-cube-encased Donnie Deutsch chest hair
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
REAL MEN DON'T ATTEND AD CONFERENCES
So the important Advertising Week NYC conference I’m not attending right at this minute is: Metros vs. Retros: Are Marketers Missing Real Men?
A Google search of “Metrosexual” reveals mostly pics of David Beckham. This research took 0.09 seconds and will be more valuable than the findings of this irrelevant 2-hour circle jerk.
It's that simple, advertisers—sell to David Beckham. I’ll provide you with a white paper copy of this report for $20,000.
Surprisingly, no Donnie Deutsch on the panel. He’s probably in the audience wearing a medium black t-shirt with his fresh-off-some-lunchtime-curls arms folded across his chest.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Brains & Advertising don't mix.
OMG! I’m missing the Emotion in Advertising presentation in the Bloomberg Building! Taxi! Ahem. So, using biometrics and fMRI imaging (snicker), ARF, ANA, and AAAA (men & women of letters) have completed research that they claim will help agency bullshitters learn what makes an ad work.
Yeah. Good one.
Clients of course want guarantees that advertising works. So agencies employ overpaid marketing eggheads to come up with shitpiles of white paper to back up something like, oh let's go with, Burger King's Herb The Nerd campaign.
40 mil down the shitter for that gem. But I'm sure brain scans of the focus group members would have foretold that.
Ferrer For Mayor. Better Than Fair.
NYC mayoral hopeful Freddy Ferrer (Personally, I'm hopeful that several Suicide Girls will be blowing me on November 8th) has himself a shiny tagline. Put on your hearing aid:
It's a great city. It could be greater. (meow)
In yesterday's Times, Ferrer spokeswoman Christy Setzer defended the slogan thusly: "(New York City) could be greater. Who's going to argue with that?"
OK...but who's going to vote for it?
Monday, September 26, 2005
HUCKSTERS TO END MIDDLE EAST VIOLENCE
Right now, PBS's Charlie Rose and Publicis CEO Maurice Levy are at the New York Society for Ethical Culture Concert Hall (2 W. 64th Street) about to go one-on-one on the future of advertising, including how "Madison Ave. can contribute to peace in the Middle East (what?)."
Rose (right) is there because he, you know, knows everything there is to know about everything. Levy, head of the biggest clusterfuck of ad agencies in the world, is there probably because he paid somebody off.
As far as an Everybody Stop Fighting In The Middle East print ad...hmm...I definitely would include a coupon for a free bruchure.
Advertising Week NYC
As the city's level of douchbags with less-than-fresh ideas swells, I will be posting multiple daily updates without actually attending one single event.
If you're near Times Square today, go check out the "Procession of Great Icons", including the GEICO Gecko and Colombian Coffee's Juan Valdez.
If you see Honda's "Mr. Opportunity", give him an opportunistic knock in the balls for me.
Friday, September 23, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
we only lost a client
Friday, September 16, 2005
IT'S FRIDAY. LET'S GET FUCKING DRUNK.
As a lead-up to National Advertising Week (here in NYC, Sept. 26 to 30. Yeah, woohoo, what a party that’ll be. Smug Douche Bag Ad Guys doing their THING), Yahoo is conducting a poll for Favorite Advertising Slogan. The early leader is (gag) Hallmark: “When you care enough to send the very best.” How bout, when you care enough to make/write your OWN card instead of buying some impersonal off-the-shelf hooey?
Anyhoo, my favorite advertising “slogan” (we call them taglines; more exclusionary) of all time? That’s easy:
THE ONE BEER TO HAVE
WHEN YOU’RE HAVING MORE THAN ONE.
These days of course, that line would never pass muster. Because we all know no responsible patriotic citizen drinks more than one beer at a sitting. If you’ve ever tasted Schaefer, this tagline becomes even brillianter. PBR (In cans. YEAH Dude!) has become the hipster ironic beer of choice in NYC. I’d love to watch a bedhair boy try to gag down some of this swill.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
The...Statue of Liberty Mutual?
According to a blurb in today's NY Times Metro section, the Port Authority of NY/NJ "will explore commercial sponsorship of its properties."
Some suggestions (I do this for a living, afterall):
•LaGuardia e.p.t. Pregnancy Test Airport
(we're always late)
•Jose Cuervo PATH trains
(a polluted state in 5 minutes)
•The Die-Amtrak-Die Lincoln Tunnel
(co-sponsored by Chevron and Exxon-Mobil)
•And (sigh) of course...The Target Freedom Tower.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
THE WAY $TARBUCK$ $EE$ IT
$tarbuck$ new cutie cuppie quotes are intended to spark "conversation in the tradition of coffee houses everywhere." Oh yeah? How bout getting all over that wonderful coffeehouse tradition of not charging Government contractor prices for a cup of brewed coffee beans and water? In fact, The Way I See It $tarbuck$, this marketing chicanery (or chicupery, I guess) must be a prelude to you raising your prices to the Verbosely-Grande level. It's also a hackneyed idea stolen from The Meaning Of Life scene where the American couple are given conversation cards so that they have something to talk about over dinner:
Mrs. Hendy: Do all philosophers have an S in them?
Mr. Hendy: Yeah I think most of them do.
Mrs. Hendy: Oh... Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?
Mr. Hendy: Yeah... Right, she could be... she sings about the Meaning of Life.
And why is "Moby" (born Dick Hall) one of the quoted "personalities?" Somebody please explain the supposed Moby—Talent connection to me? Please?
McSweeneys has of course already posted some funny "rejected submissions."
Monday, September 12, 2005
COPYRANTER BEEFCAKE (mmm, beef-cake)
HEY DONNY DEUTSCH, KISS MY TIGHTER ASS! (which you couldn't kick in your wildest CEO dreams)
Thus concludes the advertising portion of this post—the purpose of which is so's I can change my profile pic.
Friday, September 09, 2005
IT'S FRIDAY AGAIN
YES. YES WE HAVE.
More around-town sightings
• Getting his Amex card cut up at an International Male sample sale
• Stealing tennis balls from Jack Russells at the Washington Square Park dog run
• Buying a bottle of Thunderbird at Seward Park Liquors
• At a free Tribeca art collective show eating two pieces of pizza at once
• Jerking off on an F train
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Working With A Monkey
We were shooting a TV commercial for the uni-Ball XL, “the extra-long writing pen.” The concept: Instead of typing Shakespeare, the cute little guy starts writing “To be or not to…” on a piece of paper, but his cheapo Bic runs out of ink. After he screams and breaks the Bic, the off-screen voiceover professor hands him an XL, but the monkey has lost his Shakespearean train of thought, and goes back to scribbling in circles.
You can figure out the moral for yourself. But, the one thing to keep in mind if you ever want to use a monkey to help sell a product: They shit. A LOT. Yeah, no. MORE than that.