Thursday, February 08, 2007

Fake Chairman of the Board.

ad from Ameriprise Financial for retirement planning, scanned from the Wall Street Journal. I trimmed off the body copy because no one reads fucking body copy. Just FYI, it talks about how Ameriprise is "redefining" (cough. hack.) retirement planning because they focus on your "dreams" not numbers. As you can see, they've established a service mark for "Dreams don't retire" (hack. cough.). However, this man is not being guided through his dream-filled retirement by Ameriprise, because this man is a model...NOW, why the fuck he's standing on a fucking chair is the real mystery here. Guesses?
previously in stupid corporate ads:
1. Rest now Bling Bling...
2. The Good Hands Bad Taste People.
3. "Trees are pretty. Let's us trees."
4. bp. beyond poppycock.

14 Comments:

Blogger Jetpacks said...

He's redefining that chair, because sitting is for retired people, and he's not your average retired guy. No. He is a surfing guy who owns a house on the beach, a house furnished with expensive designer chairs that he is free to drag out to the beach if it so pleases him.

He stands above the waves of adversity that get other retired poople wet. And if those waves should rise any higher, he is also equipped with the water-shedding Ameriprise Financial Wetsuit, which repels bad fortune.

And if that explanation doesn't work, Dreams Don't Retire™, and he always dreamed of ruining his wife's expensive designer chairs with saltwater.

9:20 AM  
Blogger copyranter said...

"poople'. excellent, even if inadvertent.

9:34 AM  
Anonymous Von K said...

His Ameriprise Retirement Redefiner™ told him now is the time to reach for his dreams.

He tried standing on his tippy-toes, but they weren't quite that close yet.

10:05 AM  
Blogger Ben Miller said...

He never should have taken that Jamaican "business trip" with the "new VP." Now, his Dreams(sm) are haunted by vengeful jellyfish bearing the face of Mrs. Fake Chairman of the Board.

He tries to shut them out—he cranks up the Spencer Davis, he squeezes his eyes until they burn—but he can STILL SEE HER FACE.

10:14 AM  
Blogger HighJive said...

looks like grampa is suffering alzheimer's-induced delusions. he recreating scenes from sea hunt.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Make the logo bigger said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

1:39 PM  
Blogger Make the logo bigger said...

The locals grew to like Mathias, the “crazy rich motherfucker from the states.”

Sometimes, he would even buy them gifts.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Slinky Redfoot said...

maybe he's the CHAIRMAN. Haw haw! Goddamn i'm on fire today.

2:40 PM  
Blogger New York Punk said...

i think this is a studio shot. that is just sad.

3:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

fuck boomers

7:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He saw Al Gore's movie.

Like Ameriprise, he's planning for the future, which, in this case are a rise in sea levels.

8:05 PM  
Blogger Maulleigh said...

It seems like every commercial geared towards seniors has 'em in wetsuits: men and women.

I now declare: Seniors in wetsuits is hackneyed and DONE!!!

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Theresa said...

Work with me here, but maybe he's standing up on the metaphorical boardroom chair... in defiance of his dreams retiring!

I still have no idea what that has to do with old dudes surfing though. Or is he suiting up a for a geriatric scuba adventure? Actually, I got it. I don't care.

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is so weird. I just asked my wife the same question last night, though we saw this in a magzine. I asked "why the fuck is he standing on that chair?!" My wife did not have an answer. I'm sure it confuses their demo as well. Way to go guys.

Kudos to the AD for chosing a red chair. Excellent decision.

11:39 PM  

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