A FAN!

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Don't sweat it, i-bankers. iShares, the best invention since sliced bread (their horseshit claim), presents this nifty oscillating fan, the greatest financial tool since the Scottrade abacus! Just plug it in, aim it at your computer screen, go hide under a pile of coats for a couple of hours, and Bingo!—financial woes begone. Be the first in your Mensa chapter to purchase the iShares Fan®! (scanned from this week's New Yorker)