Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Altoids: The Curiously Full of Shit Mints.

(click image via)
If you're going to bring such groan-inducing hyperbole, at least really bring it! Go grand, man! The copywriter who wrote this, please submit three alternatives by tomorrow, 9 am. Or commenters, take a stab, and I'll pick a winner. Previous Altoids ads: Caveat Emptor (zzz) • Ow Tse Tung (ha).

74 Comments:

Anonymous jb said...

An Altoid up your ass cures colon cancer. It does, it does!

4:36 PM  
Blogger Chris Collision said...

Even if these make your breath so great you need more to cover the smell of pussy, you still needed a breath mint.

5:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In Soviet Russia, Altoid eats you.

5:17 PM  
Anonymous eric said...

Chuck Norris shits out better copy than this Chuck Norris wannabe Altoids ad.

5:46 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

COME ON. Don't make me write a better one, and give myself the (nonexistent) prize.

6:11 PM  
Blogger Sausage said...

If you think the watermelon I just dropped in the men's room was strong, just wait until you taste an Altoid

6:16 PM  
Anonymous RobbieR said...

We don't care if you're in love with Olive Oyl, Lois Lane or Tiger Woods, Altoids are still stronger than you.

6:20 PM  
Anonymous Chris said...

"Altoids stimulates menstrual flow"

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Altoids make every d*ck you suck feel like The North Pole.

6:24 PM  
Anonymous RobbieR said...

Eat three Altoids in a public place and Al Qaeeda will soon be writing songs in your honour.

6:33 PM  
Anonymous Jimmyco said...

"The gravity of Jupiter, super-super glue and diamonds might be strong but Altoids are stronger."

6:38 PM  
Anonymous HollywoodCaveman said...

if you are a hack copywriter and don't cry after copyranter rips your prized one-liner, altoids are still stronger than you.

6:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ. A bunch of nobodies calling themselves copywriters producing boringly trashy lines. I wouldn't bother to write even one since I don't give a shit about Ranter's professional opinion. I challenge him to write a better one. He's always saying he will do this better, that better, and he never does anything.

7:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ. A bunch of nobodies calling themselves copywriters producing boringly trashy lines. I wouldn't bother to write even one since I don't give a shit about Ranter's professional opinion. I challenge him to write a better one. He's always saying he will do this better, that better, and he never does anything.

7:16 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

I am going to write something, you gutless ugly troll (I'd bet top dollar you're fucking ugly, as well as a pathetic coward.)

Let's see your line, ugly.

7:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not as ugly as you. That's for sure.

7:25 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

Nice comeback! I think I hear your mommy yelling for you to come in, it's time for beddy bye.

7:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh man, you seriously need to grow up. I don't know your exact age, but you are definitely not acting like a grown man.

7:36 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

Where's your line, ugly no-talent coward?

7:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My line comes after your line, pathetic little to no talent dickhead.

8:00 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

Yeaaah. I hold my breath for that.
And I'm 6-2 170 lbs. of solid muscle, puke. PLEASE email me, so you call me a little dickhead to my face. I will fucking end you, you anon fucking gutless coward. Bring a gun. I DARE YOU.

8:04 PM  
Anonymous Matt W said...

I'll give it a try:

If you bet on a Hercules/lion man-god beast to defeat Altoids in a mixed martial arts cage match, you would lose. 

Atlas chews Altoids for inspiration. 

After completing a Rocky-style training montage in the Alaskan wilderness, Altoids are still stronger than you. 

If you lifted an elephant carrying a sumo wrestler and his bowling ball collection, Altoids are still stronger than you. 

8:22 PM  
Anonymous win6 said...

If you survive PMS, marriage or life, Altoids are still stronger than you.

8:27 PM  
Anonymous cath said...

In a mighty flash of derring-do, you escape from Stalag 20, on the island of man-eating rats, and dive headlong into a sea of giant crabs. No matter: You tear them apart with your bare hands, even as they rip your glistening flesh. You're strong all right. But what's this? You've made landfall in Cape Cod, and it's been overrun by sin-happy vacationers and love-starved college girls.

Good thing you brought your Altoids; curiously, they're even stronger than you.


(With apologies to Man's Life for the egregious plagiarism).

8:33 PM  
Anonymous Mark said...

You know that force holding electrons together, thus preventing the universe from being ripped apart? Yeah, well, Altoids are stronger than that.

8:39 PM  
Anonymous -1-T-M- said...

Jesus, Mary and Joseph... Ranter!

This 'Punch and Judy' show is getting out of hand and completely out of control.

This response you wrote recently, "I wish I knew who all you damn people were. I could kill anon commenting, but, nah." seems innocent enough now compared to your latest threat "I will fucking end you, you anon fucking gutless coward. Bring a gun. I DARE YOU," which has crossed the proverbial line.

I was planning to send you this 'Irish Prayer' along with my Christmas Greetings, but I fear there's no time to waste, here it is, NOW!

May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.


Let this be your daily mantra so as to recognize those who wish you harm and oh... Merry Christmas!!!

8:50 PM  
Blogger MrPlywood said...

You've fought off giant flesh-chewing turtles, flesh-ripping weasels, man-eating rats, a sea of giant crabs and flesh-ripping bats... and Altoids is STILL fucking stronger than you.

8:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Inspired by your entry of 8:04pm, and with apologies to the Hindu scripture 'Bhagavad Gita':

Now, I am become Altoids, the destroyer of worlds.

~Harry from Edmonton

P.S. Hindus aren't the ones that blow you up for making light of their scriptures, are they?

~Harry from, uh, Boise

9:42 PM  
Anonymous mrjohn said...

I am not a copywriter.
At the risk of being serious, at this point I would challenge the brief. The world is full of masses of people babbling on the TwitterFaceSpaceBlogosphere, media figures are no longer larger than life, so there is no foil for the joke, hyperbole has nothing to stand on.

Try another form of puerile humour

"Putin sucks ....Altoids"
"Obama sucks ....Altoids"

10:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://i.imgur.com/eVeKg.gif

10:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not the Douchebag "Anonymous":

I think most people come here for a good time, and yeah we aren't copywriters, but we come here to be amused, and have a crack at it.
We don't need some dickhead (that won't even offer up his own line for critic) tell us that we produce shit. We already know that.

Ps. If you didn't care about his professional opinion, then why are you even here?

Altoids apparently breed contempt.

10:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. If you use Lynx and think it works, Altoids is still stronger than you are stupid.

2. If you were Putin's little rasputin making love to a siberian tigeress, Altoids would still be stronger than you.

3. If you were a copywriter's urge to mention tits in an ad geared to a male 18 to 24 demographic, Altoids would still be stronger than you.

4. If you spent a hot day in July on a [put your least liked Central or East European country here] bus absorbing every smell around you, Altoids would still be stronger than you. But not by much.

5. Your fast car, fancy dinner, and shiny diamond failed to get her to open up and let you in. Altoids did it without trying. Face it, boy, Altoids is not only stronger than you, but more interesting and has better prospects.

11:36 PM  
Anonymous Mariners said...

Even if you catch, kill and stuff a raccoon full of Skittles using only your bare hands, Altoids are still stronger than you.

12:16 AM  
Blogger JB said...

If you can watch the “two girls one cup” video while eating a chocolate icecream, Altoids are still stronger than you.

4:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Altoids are used as birth control in some parts of Indonesia. True story.

4:51 AM  
Blogger Freddie the Amazing Anthropomorphic Dog said...

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
BUT YOU ARE STILL NOT WORTHY TO LIKE THE SHIT OF AN ALTOID'S BOOTS

7:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Also not the DB anon...

You know those athletes who take banned supplements and then get really really mad and break things? That's nothing compared to 'toid rage.

8:37 AM  
Blogger copyranter said...

Žydrūnas Savickas is the world's strongest man. He couldn't carry Altoids' tiny jockstrap.

Hercules' 13th Labour was to eat an Altoids. He failed.

Altoids is stronger than an Oktoberfest of beer farts.

Atlas supported the heavens. Altoids supported Atlas.

Samson slayed an army with the jawbone of an ass. Altoids slayed an army with the stapes bone of a human ear.

Altoids eats Supermassive Black Holes for breakfast.

That's literally my five minutes worth.

I'll announce the winner at the end of the day, 5-ish.

Anon coward troll "copy chief", let's see yours.

8:47 AM  
Anonymous Tom said...

If you bite off Putin's balls to spit them in front of that winged soviet bear your fighting with Altoids are still stronger than you.

9:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

even though you just wrote the best copy ever for an altoids ad, altoids are still stronger than you.

I-)

9:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

#14 it's 10:45. you're on E. your gilrfriend's curfew is 11:00. her father has arms the size of telephone poles. altoids are still stronger that you.

I-)

9:42 AM  
Anonymous Spit Grtzr said...

You can over-through a middle East dictator, bring down the banking industry and singlehandedly eliminate the Euro- but Altoids is still stronger than you

10:04 AM  
Anonymous B said...

Altoids - Fisherman's Foe
alToidz - Stronger than your spelling
Altoids - Banned substance London 2012

10:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heather Mills stepped on an Altoids. They had to cut off her leg.

10:35 AM  
Anonymous KILL_ALL_HUMANS said...

God asked the stones:
"Would you like to be Altoids?"
"No!"
replied the stones "We are not strong enough!"

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm impressed, CR; Herc and Atlas for the win. At 8:47am, I can barely form sentences. Luckily for us, employees of copyranter and their families are not eligible to win prizes.

I was working on 'So strong, your freshness of breath will be hereditary' and 'So strong, your farts will smell like pine needles', but I couldn't quite nail it down. Maybe one of you professionals can polish it for me.

~Harry from Edmonton

10:59 AM  
Anonymous Nathaniel said...

Godzilla was born "Kermit". Then he ate an Altoids.

The M1 Abrams battle tank was originally designed as an Altoids delivery truck.

A Egyptian farmer spilled his tin of Altoids in the Nile. World's longest skating rink.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Matt Howards said...

Even if you survive a to age forty while working your ass off as an advertising copywriter who has to watch as account executives, account coordinators, art directors, designers, production artists, creative directors, associate creative directors, clients and interactive directors rewrite your carefully thought out words, Altoids are still stronger than you.

11:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

rewrite: The M1 Abrams battle tank was originally designed as an Altoids tin.

I-)

12:20 PM  
Blogger Chris Collision said...

I really like the two Atlas ones.

12:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You just took Viagra and Cialis at the same time...Altoids are still stronger than you, and will probably last longer.

1:39 PM  
Blogger MrPlywood said...

An asteroid killed the dinosaurs. Altoids kills asteroids.

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Really? I enjoy thin blog, but I didn't think I was in company like this. I guess it's like BrandNew -- read the articles, not the comments.

The joke of the Altoids copy is that while you're reading you think you're getting a fact, but then at the last second it makes a turn to snarky promo. It tricks you, it's unexpected, a little "ha ha, you got me" moment. That's primary, not that Altoids are stronger than a long list of crazy feats.

If you want another treatment, you're looking for something like this:

"On remote northern island Njaktuk, townspeople hold an annual "Yukon Olympics". Competition includes the local sports of rock punch, bear herding, and a tree roast. Standing an impressive six-foot-nine and weighing in at three hundred and seventy pounds, sixty year Gristslav Magnusstern has taken the trophy home for the past twenty years. Altoids are still stronger"

And now I'm headed back to real work. (Not the argumentative Anon, btw.)

2:18 PM  
Anonymous Change order said...

If kimchi and lutefisk ever met and had a child - Altoids would beat it too.

2:31 PM  
Blogger MrPlywood said...

It's Dec 22, 2012, and Altoids are still here.

Altoids is stronger than a roundhouse kick to the head.

Altoids is stronger than a diamond wearing a Kevlar vest.

2:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My vote is with Yukon Olympics.
- Tobin

3:07 PM  
Blogger tjarch said...

With a tip of the cap to Secret:

Strong enough for your ass, made for your mouth.

Altoids, curiously strong.

3:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

>Altoids eats Supermassive Black Holes for breakfast.<

>Žydrūnas Savickas is the world's strongest man. He couldn't carry Altoids' tiny jockstrap.< His what??

Please say no more. When Altoids approves that, I will give you 10 grand.

3:14 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

...still waiting for yours, ugly, old cowardly anon copy chief...

3:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have an Altoid, and wrap up this embarrassing topic.

3:20 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

Of course; ZERO talent to go with your ZERO GUTS. You are such a pathetic fucking cunt.

3:24 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

Nobody wins. Sorry. Most of them were too long.

Mark's electrons thing gets honorable mention.

4:27 PM  
Blogger Slinger said...

If you can huff and puff and blow down the little pig's brick house, Altoids is still stronger than you.

Altoids is as weak as its strongest link.

If you can wrestle a lion, crush mountains with your bare hands and defeat an entire army of men with only the jawbone of a donkey, Altoids is still stronger than you.

Altoids is stronger than Popeye's spinach on steroids.

(If you conquer the most hyperbolic hypothetical scenario, Altoids is still stronger than you.)

Forgive my tardiness, copyranter. I just got off work.

5:07 PM  
Anonymous Jimmyco said...

Shoot! Mine was 94 characters and much better than 90% of those posted here.

6:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All these stink. You are still getting an award: the chocolate Equine's Posterior®.

9:14 PM  
Anonymous Mark said...

Thanks, Copyranter. I'm Mark. I have no connection to the advertising world (I'm a professor), but I love your site and I love Altoids.

9:26 PM  
Anonymous Mark said...

Mark, again. If anyone is interested, I've got a blog called "Ranking America" that some of you might enjoy.

9:27 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

another honorable mention:
JB's two girls one cup thing.

And thanks, Anon. I AM going to break out the Equine's Posterior™ award again, maybe today.

7:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for agreeing with me, Anon coward, that all these entries deserve the chocolate Horse's Ass award. As usual, you got it wrong again, with your second honorable mention, unless you are into disgusting scat/pornographic stuff. Ill ill ill. Nothing about you surprises me.

9:25 AM  
Blogger copyranter said...

You're right. I was trying to be nice. They all suck, including mine. But a couple of mine were better than the rest, so I win. Fuck all of yous.

9:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

99 characters - darn...

I-)

9:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a copy chief, I have to admit, very grudgingly, that two of your lines were excellent. The Atlas and Hercules ones. The stapes bone of a human ear line was really fucked up. So you win, @*#$^! Please note just because I liked your lines does not mean I am your friend.

3:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can pull yourself out of the womb
Win the strong man competition at age 3
Bench press all the lunch ladies at your middle school talent show
Support a 72-cheerleader pyramid while coaching the varsity football team freshman year
Grind coffee for the entire office every morning by hand
Retire and sail around the world using a hand fan
Spread your ashes over a lake turn it into a raging river

And Altoids will still be stronger than you

4:09 PM  
Anonymous RatherBeDancing said...

Altoids can get your mom to shut her mouth. Try that for strength, Hercules.

3:17 PM  

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