CLEARLY defining your target audience.

Page through the back of any Sunday New York Times Magazine and you are assaulted by crappy yet snooty Real Estate ads for addresses you’ll never ever set foot in. But, never have I seen an ad that so overtly attempts to piss everyone the fuck off.
So, here’s the 2nd ad, yet to run, in the sly One Carnegie Hill campaign:
Dad’s fighting 3 malpractice suits at Mt. Sinai.
Mom commits fraud at Sotheby’s.
Tyler is dealing at Dalton.
Baby sis is fucking Noah Tepperberg.

The Gate leads nowhere...

The Gate Worldwide is an ad agency. Watching agencies trying to advertise themselves is really a lotta fun. You’d think they’d be good at it, yes? Uh, no, not so much.
Maybe you saw this abomination in the New York Times a couple weeks back. You most certainly didn’t read the copy. Let me sift through the hooey-imbued marketing yakkety-yak for you.
Here, The Gate is killing sacred cows that are already dead and have been for, oh, about 40 years. The copy reads like it was done by a junior account executive giddily writing his first “ad.” Seriously, even I was surprised: there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING new here. Yet it still manages to be condescending:
“Having a good idea is one thing. Selling it is another. And that, young grasshopper, has implications, too (italics mine).”
Jesus. So Fucking Bad. I went to their site and looked at their print work (the best way to see how agencies think). Completely honestly—if their work was sent to me by a headhunter, I'd never use the headhunter again.

"Pass The Darts Donnie Deutsch."

In yesterday's Times, Stuart Elliott, the Dull Geezer columnist of the ad world, regurgitates a survey that "shows problems remain in Agency-Advertiser relationships." Really? As usual, Elliott offers nothing that could ever be mistaken for an insight.
So, here's why "problems remain":
a) Agencies DON'T HAVE A CLUE ahead of time whether the TV spots/ads they create are going to sell product. NOT ONE SCANT FUCKING CLUE. Some smooth-talking Account Guy tells you different, throw him out of your office. Through the window.
b) Agencies would like to be paid handsomely for their own special unique brands of proprietary CLUELESSNESS.
c) Advertisers naturally would like guarantees that the money they are pouring down the dra...umm spending will see at least a modest return.
d) Agencies respond to c) by...sending Advertisers boxes of expensive chocolates.

Starbucks seriously needs to go to Billboarding School.

Here are the four statements that I can figure out that sweaters make:
1. I am wearing a sweater.
2. I, likely, like sweaters.
3. It is cold.
4. I am cold.

ADVERTISING SUCKS SMELLY DICK

Pathetic "real" bloggers within this biz have made it known recently—in their shrill nerdy voices—that they don't like my blog. "Waa, you don't play nice. Waa!" I thought this was clear, but let me say it plainly:
I DON'T LIKE THIS BUSINESS. I don't have any ad friends. I DON'T WANT ANY. This blog is for people outside of the sycophantic, douchebag-infused, circle-jerking "hey, good ad you did there pal" clusterfuck. It's for non adpeople to help them understand how navel-gazing this industry is. You don't like it here ad boys? Don't read. And save your personal attacks for people you actually personally know.

O' STUPID BILLBOARD, O' STUPID BILLBOARD...

You keep bringing the stupidity Starbucks, I’ll keep bringing the Tall Hate.
REALLY?!? Just ONCE? You sure? Please send me every comment from the focus groups you put this captivating piece of communication in front of. OH, IT’S GOT THAT DOUBLE MEANING THINGIE! X-mas AND the gingerbread latte only happen ONCE A YEAR!!! OOOOHHHHHH! Once I got it, it made me feel so TINGLY!!!
(ed. note: lighted lights do not a good billboard make. And, the effect of putting a headline in parens says Starbucks thinks it's extra clever and sly.)

HIGH CLASS JACKASS

At right, is Damien Hirst's Dead Donkey Head Enshrouded In Liquid Brass—his inspired interpretation of the A High Class Jackass blog.

Said Jackass is a razor-sharp woman who never fails to speak her mind—a mind filled with hot molten magma and puppy dogs. Sometimes, the magma catches one of the puppy dogs napping, and, well, you just can't turn away.

ACHTUNG! (Vienna pic #5)

Meet Heinz Christian Strache, the Freedom Party candidate for Vienna Bürgermeister (that's mayor for you isolationists). The election was held October 23rd. He is (hush hush) a neo-Nazi who was expected to get about 5% of the vote. He got 15 FUCKING PERCENT. Over 100,000 apparently living, thinking citizens voted for him.
I enjoyed the obvious retouching of his already Aryan eyes on the campaign posters (click and be hypnotized).

DEAD is the new BLACK

So you’ve probably seen one of these newish Kate Spade shoe ads. While Diesel has certainly upped the super-fucking-weird fashion advertising ante, Kate has herself a real mysterious story going on here. Dead? Passed out? Playing dead or passed out? Perhaps knocked out by the other woman? A fashion victim? Don't know how well it sells shoes, but I kinda like it.

THE ASSIMILATED NEGRO

If you’ve not read The Assimilated Negro blog, Go There Now. The man is brilliant, non-threatening, and prolific in his posting.

Read his best-ever analysis of Salt Water Taffy right here.

The Gays Don't Shop Daffy's, DO THEY?

Kudos to Daffy's for the first ad to reference Gay American Jim McGreevey (click image for better view). Pfffts to Daffy's for the trite execution. Ad agency: the stupidly named Branding Partnership.

Godemiché (Vienna pic #4)

That's the German (borrowed from the French, of course) word for "dildo." Much classier, right? Anyway, this was a window display from a center city sextoy shop. Barneys it ain't. But at least it's weird and makes no sense.
Well, except the fish smell. (that's right, I went there.)

"There's a hair in my egg." (Vienna pic #3)

One poster from a series promoting an Exhibit at the Vienna Technological Museum titled:
Everyday Life:
Directions For Use.
The best kind of Ad: Visual is the hero. Copy is an afterthought.

(1st thing I've liked in a while, I know.)

OFFICIAL COPYRANTER MASCOT

'ranter cat (Zippy the Pinhead) shows the form that won her first place in the "Best Impersonation of a Turtle in Trouble" category at last month's Cat Championship. Idiot.

IT'S DEAD TODAY.

On this Day of the Dead, Let's remember our dear departed loved ones. As I was leaving my 3rd floor walkup, I placed my authentic Mexican death puppet on my drum set throne. Maybe, just maybe, when I climb the steps this eve, I will hear John Bonham or Keith Moon gleefully pounding away.

Hey, Fuck You. At least I'm somewhat happy today.