Monday, March 27, 2006

The Balvenie Weenie.

The Balvenie Guy. One of the longest-running characters in advertising history. And, one of the biggest Douches in Douchery history. I winced through the archives to bring you more of the winning pickup lines that have come out of his nonexistent mouth:
• "Rich, sweet and mature. And that’s just my drink."
• "Actually, I’m a rocket surgeon."
• "I’ve just started a hedge fund. Forsythia, in fact."
Could we please jump to the last panel where he's lying in a hospital bed dying of liver cancer and says to the blonde nurse:
"I'd love a sponge bath—with Balvenie."
If moved, please write your own deathbed pickup lines in the comments. Just remember: you think you're witty, but you're not.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Pressure you for sex? Never! I just poke my little weenie in my bottle of Balvenie."

10:04 AM  
Blogger Matt Brand said...

"This place gives me the creeps. Wanna come out to my van?"

10:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd share my I.V. with you, but it's filled with Balvenie. I can, however, offer you a sip from my bedpan.

12:07 PM  
Blogger EVIL DISCUSSOR said...

"Please please please touch my privates. Come on, I'm dying."

12:17 PM  
Blogger kilgore said...

You wouldn't punch a guy with liver disease would you?

12:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Had I a mouth, I would lick you. Honest."

2:29 PM  
Blogger David said...

"No, nurse, I said Unmistakable Character, not unattach my catheter!"

2:35 PM  
Blogger EVIL DISCUSSOR said...

Wow. Compared to these hacks, Copyranter, you're a god of writing.

I mean, mine was hardly funny, but the rest of these lines are just plain awful. wordpimp, christy, david, anon, elmachino... please tell me you're purposely trying to be horribly unfunny in an effort to be funny and just failing miserably at that.


4:36 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

well E.D.
I did direct everybody to be not witty, like the campaign.

4:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Post-op, I invite you to sniff my bleeding sutures. You'll find the unmistakable come hither character of Balvenie.

5:41 PM  
Blogger David said...

Okay, E.D., since I am incapable of taking criticism, I will give you my original, slightly more offensive effort, which, while equally unfunny, was:

"Nurse, take that bottle of Balvenie, and we'll role-play: I'll be Virginia Rappe, you be Fatty Arbuckle."

Sure, it's an obsequious reference, but also a paen to a fabled era of Hollywood history now gone... but not forgotten.

5:46 PM  
Blogger EVIL DISCUSSOR said...

Ahh, the old "It's Not Funny But It's An Obscure Reference, And That's Kind Of Something" gambit.

Very nice, david. Well played.

Plus, using the words "obsequious" and "paen" in one blog post is certainly something. Has somebody been consulting Roget's? I think so. I think somebody has. And I think that somebody is you, david.

6:22 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

I don't know about that E.D. have you read David's blog? he's pretty darn smart.

6:29 PM  
Blogger EVIL DISCUSSOR said...

you are right, copyranter. i read his blog. it was very nice. then, i got tired. if he wrote far shorter and far dumber posts like me, maybe then he wouldn't have to be so smart.

6:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Death bed pick-up line?

"I'll put you in my will if you blow me. Promise."

12:05 AM  
Blogger EVIL DISCUSSOR said...


I barely speak french, but you must be referring to the French Canadian snowman most popular at Winter Carnival, yes?

11:45 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Smug doesn't even begin to describe you. Thank for rubbing it in my face that assholes are winners.

2:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Blog comments make me ill. I don't think I'm ever going to make the mistake of clicking on a comments link again. Actually, I take that back. gawker's comments are pretty great. But then it's a little sicker because the sycophants are all sweating bullets that their comments won't be witty enough and they'll lose their precious logins. (makes vomit sound)

2:56 PM  

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