Wednesday, October 24, 2007

...because walking slowly, intermittently, for a couple of hours requires a highly-specialized hydration replenisher.

That Tiger Woods is an athlete is indisputable. Equally indisputable, however, is that golf is not a sport. Not even fucking close. It is, at most, a leisurely activity. Why? Here's just three of many ironclad reasons: This Man, These Balls, and Those Pants.
So, it is with misanthropic glee that I can't fucking wait until next spring when I spy that first rich, fat, sweat-stained, Bermuda shorts-wearin', 30+ handicap, red-faced white man carrying a bottle of Gatorade Tiger in his left hand and his $5,000 worth of titanium/platinum golf clubs slung over his right shoulder.
"Bridging that iconic nature with his will to win, those things make this a big deal for us," said buzzword-spoutin', hard-on sportin' Jeff Urban of Gatorade about this endorsement.
Tiger will reportedly get $100 million over the next five years for the deal.
Be Like Tiger, sheep.
previously in specious sports marketing:
2. Urnie Banks?
3. Reebok running shoes prevent puking?
4. New York Knicks. Experience It (Misery?).
5. Johnnie Walker. Official Sports Drink of the New York Yankees.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will Gatorade Tiger (Jesus, it sounds ridiculous even typing it) come laced with the same steroids that Eldrick himself uses?

2:43 PM  
Blogger ricpic said...

Tiger wouldn't make me take flight if he moved next door. What more do you people want?!

4:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess Tigerade was already taken.

5:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hate golf as much as I do? Play "Golf Horn"! It's simple, fun and exciting. Every time you drive past a golf course, set your hand on your car horn. If you see someone about to swing or putt, lay on the horn! You may NOT honk if no one is swinging -- that dilutes the delight when you manage to catch some asshole in mid-swing and he slices it into the woods.

Such fun.

6:52 PM  
Blogger Ravages/CC said...

In India, Gillette is running that commercial with one extra celebrity. Rahul 'The Wall' Dravid. The man was once a good batsman and dependable player. Now he is a failed team captain and cliche-spouting spokesperson for the blade. And, get this - he is superimposed on the commercial so bad, you know it is fake.

6:28 AM  
Blogger Ravages/CC said...

Oh, er, forgot to mention that Dravid boy plays the game called Cricket.

10:39 AM  

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