Tuesday, July 17, 2007

WHO THE F*CK DECIDED TO GIVE MY GOLDFISH NAMES?

THEY ARE DELICIOUS CHEESE GOLDFISH. I JAM THEM BY THE HANDFUL INTO MY MAW. SO, DON'T NAME THEM FINN™ OR GILBERT™ OR BROOKE™ (HA HA HA, DICKS) OR FUCKING XTREME™. XTREME?!? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. AND WHY ARE THE STUPID NAMES TRADEMARKED? YOU DOLTS AFRAID ANOTHER SNACK COMPANY IS GOING TO COPY YOUR BRILLIANT BRANDING BONANZA? TRUST ME PEPPERIDGE FARM, YOUR NAMES ARE SAFE. FUCKING IDIOTS.
previously in stupid marketing moves:
1. Increase your carbon cockprint.
2. enviga. worse than confusing.
3. Coming Soon: The Glute Ottoman.
4. Super Duper Double Extra Strength Ziploc!
5. M&Ms for business.
6. Cerealism.

16 Comments:

Blogger Ruby Khan said...

I've been feeling a little caps-locked lately too.

2:59 PM  
Anonymous LisaBinDaCity said...

Like I really want to eat a snack that has a person's name.

Ewwwww.

4:52 PM  
Blogger David said...

The single greatest reason to go to Costco - the big ass pepperidge farm goldfish box.

Now with names. I like Finn.

6:24 PM  
Blogger Frank said...

So we've finally found what puts 'ranter over the edge. Thanks, Pepperidge Farms!

8:47 PM  
Blogger Maulleigh said...

We at the network want a fish with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in
your face." You've heard the expression "let's get busy"?
Well, this is a fish who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and
thoroughly.

We're talking about a totally outrageous
paradigm.

9:01 PM  
Anonymous amish said...

What I want to know is, where's the diversity? I don't see a Jagdish in there!

11:26 PM  
Blogger edwartising said...

Uhh, I began to hate their commercials. I miss the violent jingle,
"The tasty snack that smiles back
Until you bite their heads off."

I don't think any of those are real people names anymore, except for that slut Brooke.
And how did they get the trademark for Xtreme? I thought some surfing company would have grabbed it up by now for a spokesperson who has 80's turrets constantly screaming Gnarley and Rad?

11:42 PM  
Blogger Moda di Magno said...

Ranter - that was totally worthy of the caps lock. WTF? Why? Do you think I can ever eat a Gilbert? That's a rhetorical question - the answer is NO, I cannot eat a Gilbert. Line up the customer insight team so I can give them a group slap.

12:11 AM  
Blogger Brooks said...

Maulleigh is right. Poochy...err, I mean, Finn and Friends, are clearly the malformed love child of an overpaid consultant and the dipshit executive who felt like shaking the tree.

Do you see any other mascots or processed food characters being eaten? Count Chocula, Frankeberry, the hound who pitches Cookie Crisp? No, they're salesfolk, not sacrifices.

And, Brooke and Gilbert will certainly be hooking up; Finn is too busy posing for the camera and Xtreme has some big ol' gay eyes for Finn's tail fin.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Babar said...

Its like the goldfish version of "My Little Pony"

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Ayatollah Koranhater said...

If they were named al-Whatever or Muhammad, I don't think I could stop eating them.

8:04 PM  
Blogger Toad said...

Those of us who have children know that the goldfish have had names for years: I remember one of the Tadpoles playing some online "Find Finn" game at least three or four years ago.

8:24 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

Admittedly, this is the first bag I've bought in awhile. I'm usually digging them out of bar bowls.

8:34 PM  
Blogger Jeff Hawkins said...

I'm reminded of the 70's western "Culpepper Cattle Co."

"What you name your horse?"
"you don't name something you might have to eat"

5:39 PM  
Blogger edwartising said...

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm Xtremely slow. I have no idea why but I'm watching tv and it hit me, Gilbert. He has gills. Alright that's all I had to say.

3:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Copywritted names? Crapola!! Does this mean I can't name my new son Xtreme?

Isn't there a rule out there about personalizing things like this? Now kids won't want to eat their buddy Brooke or Finn..these fucking four assholes are going to be found everywhere from overall pockets to all those little hidden places kids have and not the one place they're meant for.

9:09 AM  

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