Thursday, March 22, 2007

Flushing The Crankcase.


Spring has fucking sprung. We in NYC, supposedly, got us some nice 60+ degree weather coming. I'm moving in with my beautiful girlfriend in her beautiful apartment in her beautiful neighborhood next month. I'm 6-2. I've got broad shoulders, hard arms, a small waist, and a very tight ass. I feel like a 20 year-old. Also, I don't smell. Chicks generally dig me. Handsome gay men hit on me. My job is peachy (don't worry, I still hate the fucking ad industry). Since the season hasn't started yet, my Seattle Mariners are tied for first place. I saw the Heartless Bastards at Maxwell's last night, and they were fantastic. I have cool shoes/boots. There are two Simpsons reruns on every weekday eve. I haven't been shit on the head by a fucking fat-ass pigeon in a couple of years. My continuous desire to full-forcefully bodycheck every clueless dickwad who doesn't know how to walk on Manhattan sidewalks has ebbed. Somewhat. My strong urges to punch every man/woman in the face who rushes into the elevator before I exit aren't coming quite so close to metamorphing into actual clouts. The loud voice in my head that tells me to smash every bartender in the back of the head with the 6-8 dollar glass of 99/100s ice and 1/100s bourbon he/she serves me is a couple of decibels lower...
Question: does anybody out there know what the waiting period is for buying a gun in New York City?
copyranter
(photo: old wall ad on Lafayette St.)
previously in copyranter is a fucking dick:
1. Advertising sucks SMELLY DICK.
2. Nemo the Goldfish.
3. The Human Trainwreck.
4. copyranter's new logo.
5. Catching squirrels in Washington Square Park.

18 Comments:

Anonymous Anywhere but here said...

I have a hemmoroid poking out of my asshole that bleeds everytime I dump. My job is a fucking nightmare. I can literally see my girlfriend get fatter every day.

12:35 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

Looks like copyranter is becoming a SuperOptimist™. Life is so much nicer when you can appreciate what you have. I spent some time on MySpace yesterday looking for women who are my wife's age. 95% of them were fat & ugly and now I see her in a whole new light! Ah... Spring!

1:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?

Fucking sell-out.

1:35 PM  
Blogger itsmelvin said...

still, condolences on the execution (or was that your plan all along? mwah-hah-ha)

1:48 PM  
Blogger Make the logo bigger said...

I stand inside the elevator, right up to the doors, waiting, like Russell Crowe in Gladiator to enter the arena. When it opens, the first person dumb enough to rush in never sees it coming. Fucking-bam.

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a crank. You seem like a real dick. I bet your girlfriend's cheating on you.

2:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mark,

if you're feeling so good, you shouldn't let a gawker comment execution bring you down. it's not a huge deal, especally given all of the self-involved marys twittering away up there now. the really bad news is if they invite you back.

3:02 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

it's the second time I've been "executed" on gawker. the first time, Denton himself dropped the blade.

3:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God fat people are the worst why do they exist??

3:13 PM  
Anonymous sailor said...

same for me when I defended jesse oxfeld from some goon who had a slipknot complex.

same day you were axed, i logged out with final goobyes. comments section, always a dubious proposition at best, has really devolved into a totally shallow, self-congratulatory clusterfuck.

so many better things to do, several mentioned in your post. keep on keeping on.

best.

3:36 PM  
Anonymous BobbyG said...

So what are the odds of getting your girlfriend to puke up your seed on camera?

4:04 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

about the same as you ever getting a girl 1/100 as hot/smart/funny as she is.

4:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so when's the show?

6:24 PM  
Blogger LisaBinDaCity said...

Yay for Spring!

Mazel Tov on all your good news :-)

7:57 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

8:46 AM  
Anonymous BobbyG said...

So that's a no then?

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I have cool shoes/boots."

Fag.

12:11 PM  
Blogger Scamp said...

glad you're in a good mood but...

shit, man - don't mellow out on us!

10:41 AM  

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