The dumbest Valentine's Day ad I could find.

(click ad ,via) I looked through hundreds of dumb V-Day ads. This was the dumbest. Here's a double shit burger sweetie, will you marry me? From 2004. Ad agency: TBWA Paris. Previous dumbest ads:
• dumbest coffee ad.
• dumbest tampon ad.
• dumbest hockey ads.
• dumbest condom ad.
• dumbest Water Day ad.
• dumbest investment ad.
• dumbest bookseller ad.
• dumbest WonderBra ad.
• dumbest motorcycle ads.
• dumbest weed wacker ad.
• dumbest protein drink ad.
• dumbest domestic violence ads.
• and the dumbest ad I've ever seen.

Investment firm's knitted quilt billboard.

(click images) Feeling cold and vulnerable after being ass-raped by the i-bank industry implosion? Allan Gray, South Africa's largest investment firm, recently erected this security blankie billboard made of over 900 fabric squares near Cape Town airport. The board continues the firm's "patience" marketing strategy previously exhibited by this puzzle billboard and the below TV spot—where a boy courts/champions a plain girl (who actually is quite pretty) because, we discover, she has a smoking-hot mother. Not especially confidence-building, but much better than the usual bad metaphor investment ads, like these (via).

Get it? Jones Trading is the ARROW.

(click ad) Invest in lemon futures? "Liquidity experts since 1975," Jones Trading—with this confidence-inspiring ad scanned from the June Bloomberg Markets —seems to be saying...when life gives you a decimated portfolio, make broke-ade. Or something. Ad by CEO's grandson.
previous bad metaphor investment ads: MIG's Photoshopped five bulls ad and Photoshopped five bears ads. State Street sez watch for charging Rhinos and collapsing bridges. And, Morgan Stanley asks if you know the difference between a balloon and a goat.

I really don't like posting cutesy ads, but...

(click ads, via) ...sometimes, they catch me in a less-fuming mood. Nicely art-directed campaign for Sandisk 16GB flash drives. The Elvis execution is actually a very good ad. The ship/bottle one is much weaker. I wish Nolin BBDO Canada would have pushed the idea more to get more ads like the Elvis one. OK, I gotta go out into the hall to scream and fart this Cute of my system.
Previous Cutesy ads:
—The cutest business card ever.
—The cutest promotional item ever.
—Never let their toys die, or else...
—Durex's boinking balloon bunnies.
—Adult boutique entices with pervy stuff animals.
—New Zealand Army recruits with Tetris imagery.
—State Street's puppy dog would never eat your investment.

Finnish Baby Bankers Bring Cuteness To World Financial Crisis.

(click ads) "We recommend Baby Bonds." After two minutes of Google journalism, I've figured out that Sofia is a Russian bank. And these ads, by Helsinki agency King, apparently herald their opening of branches in Finland. Confidence-inspiring. Will they get their investment tips from e-trade? (images via) previous childish bank ads: AK Bank—we're out of lollipops. Here's a 25 ft. stick of cotton candy. Grupo Santander—why King Kong would never make a good banker. Deutsche Bank—the ad their marketing director jerks off to every morning. US Bank—we made you a red paper airplane out of our logo. Capital One—destroying NYC with humongous push pins.

Deutsche Bank reduces the size of its dick-in-a-box logo.

(click image, scanned from yesterday's Wall Street Journal) This is a BIG development. All companies of course love their logos. But banks really love their logos (right Chase?). For years, Deutsche Bank has always made their logo the centerpiece of their ads. Usually, it's fucking huge. But, big banks these days aren't terribly popular. However, Deutsche just won "best global investment bank 2010," as awarded by Euromoney (what the top half of this ad was touting). The conflicted DB marketing director decided to compromise: he shrunk his honkin' dick-in-a-box down to merely twice as big as his customers. See? Big banks care. He can still gently jerk off to it.

Horsies are pretty. Let's use a horsie.

(click ad, scanned from the front page of today's Wall Street Journal) Investment firms sure do like putting animals in their ads. Bears and Bulls, of course. But also Lions and Rhinos and even King Kong. Now, venerable Morgan Stanley has chosen this lovely stock (don't mention stock!) photo of a windblown equine to illustrate their little wind power insight. Very worldly. Very wise. Here's a hundred mil. Previously, Morgan Stanley asked investors if they could tell the difference between a goat and a balloon.

More Opportunities For Savvy ex-iBankers.

(click ads to read copy)
Word on the street is that even untouchable Goldman Sachs is cutting its workforce 10%; all the big investment banks are as good as dead. To help, I've dug up some more choice money-making options for these poor folks (top to bottom): breed squabs; turn potatoes into potato chips into cash; sell metallized baby shoes; licorice—put all your money in it; and ice cream-filled bananas. (Previously, all images via)

Vodka brand inartistically targets the rich 1% assholes.

(click ads, via via)
Polish hooch Ultimat (terrible name), which costs about twice as much as Absolut, launched this campaign last month. To justify that price point, NYC ad agency Amalgamated apparently pulled copy right from the marketing white paper for these fucking headlines. Poor Richie Rich doesn't get outside? Maybe he'll get pinched for insider trading and get fucked in the ass—in the yard—on Rikers Island. He's working on Christmas? Poor, poor partner. Fuck him and fuck this insulting, sexist campaign. Who wants to tape up their hands and go with me down to Wall Street and beat the fucking bejesus out of investment bankers? (Believe me iDouche, you'll be the one unconscious.)
Previous terrible vodka campaigns:
• Flirt • Svedka • Belvedere • and the worst, Ketel One.