The Unparalleled Hyperbole of New York City Real Estate Advertising, Example II.

(click image for closer look)
Just like last time, all copy cut and scanned from real estate ads placed in one edition (yesterday's) of the Sunday New York Times. A lot of advertising is Bullshit. But, New York City real estate advertising is the absolute Bullshittiest. It's quite laughable to witness the marketers struggle arduously every week to find new idiotic phrases to describe obscenely overpriced empty boxes inside buildings. FYI, non-New Yorkers: "HK" stands for Hell's Kitchen, which realtors tried to rename "Clinton." Now, one seller has settled on using this fashionable monogram.
Previously in hyperbolic NYC real estate ads: One Madison Park attempts to rewrite art history; 184 Thompson pisses on Jimi Hendrix's legacy; "Chicly Radical" 20 Bayard in Williamsburg: the TriBeCa Summit employs speech impediment shorthand; a Harlem "lodge" beckons lone wolves; the cutting edge condo that only accepts Platinum People; and One Carnegie Hill defines their target audience a little too narrowly.

EARTH DAY IRONY, example #1.

(click image to read copy)
Corcoran Real Estate Group, for those of you not from the New York City region, is a multi-kabillion dollar company that has un-planted (deplanted?) trees, bushes, grass, and a lot of tenants. This ad—#5 in their "How To Live Who You Are" (what?) series—is from the front page of yesterday's New York Times real estate section. So, did any of you stop by one of their Earth Day open houses and pick up your free "Corcoran Seed Packet?" What they should have been handing out was free Corcoran fertilizer bags.
(seriously slimeballs, YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN' KIDDIN' ME)
previous stupid real estate ads:
1. Caledonia slightly updates its ad twats.
2. Corporate Real Estate Stooges Redefine "Shocking."
3. She feels pretty empty.
4. The unparalleled hyperbole of NYC Real Estate Ads.

The four fashionable faces of Williamsburg.

Stupidly Idiotic. Idiotically Stupid. I have given NYC real estate ads a rest lately, because all NYC real estate ads are fucking moronic. But when Twenty Bayard, "Williamburg's premier parkfront condominiums," sticks the above sort-of Warhol knockoff in front of my face on the A train, I gotta dig out my camera. Who are those people? Did you do a photoshoot? Are they friends of yours? Models? Do they all live in Williamsburg? Who cares, right? With four succinct words, you've perfectly captured the essence of New York City's hipster enclave. And what an attractive building you've designed! Neighbors are thrilled, I'm sure.
previous stupid NYC real estate ads:
1. Caledonia slightly updates its ad twats.
2. Corporate real estate stooges redefine "shocking."
3. CLEARLY defining your target audience.
4. She feels pretty empty.
5. Jonathan Swift Realty, Inc.

Ad scanned from Speech Impediment Monthly.

The TriBeCa Summit on Greenwich Street, or Gree Stree, if you will. "The last great prewar lofts in Manhattan," says it at their website. So, Ma Yo Mo. Ma Yo Mo. Keep in mind, that several people of above average intelligence saw this ad and thought: Yep. That works (or maybe they thought, Ye Tha Wo.). At their next sales meeting, do you think the agents will start up with a Ma Yo Mo chant? MA YO MO!!! And, then start messing it up—Ya Yo Mo! Mo Ya Yo!
(actually scanned from today's New York Times real estate supplement)

previously in real estate:
1. Taglines are DUMB: NYC Real Estate Edition.
2. The Unparalleled Hyperbole of NYC Real Estate Advertising.
3. CLEARLY defining your target audience.

The Unparalleled Hyperbole of NYC Real Estate Advertising #3

(click image) You didn't honestly think something as inconsequential as a historically-depressed realty market would stay Gotham's property marketers from abusing their already dog-eared thesauri? You don't live here in youtopia, do you? All headlines clipped from real estate ads from either the New York Times or the New York Observer. To view my previous Kindergarten cut and paste hyperbolic hooey-board projects, go here and here.

Let's guess Amber's current nabe.

Latest ad for the "loft-like" (gotta love the wiggle phrases of NYC real estate) residences of 184 Thompson. Seems they've abandoned their specious "Live Among (dead) Legends" campaign. So now, on to blondie. Too blonde for Williamsburg. Too pretty for the Lower East Side. Too young for the Upper West Side. Hmm. TriBeCa? That's my best guess. Her panicky-meets-prurient expression (click image) is the giveaway; Streeter hubbie/boyfriend isn't giving it to her the way she needs it.
(scanned from yesterday's AM New York)
previously in nyc real estate ads:
1. the POWER of platinum.
2. CLEARLY defining your target audience.
3. She feels pretty empty.
4. Caledonia slightly updates its ad twats.
related on Gawker: the unparalleled hyperbole of NYC real estate ads.

NYC Real Estate Ad Watch: Tattooed Naked Fauxhemian Edition.

(click image) What the fuck is that on the bathtub next to the wine? Human entrails? This is via edgy Bushwick Brooklyn, thus the IN YOUR FACE tats. In case you missed it: "hipster" was killed last year, replaced by fauxhemian. Via New York Shitty. Previously in: NYC Real Estate Ad Watch. Related: the unparalleled hyperbole of NYC real estate advertising.

Jonathan Swift Realty, Inc.

(click image)
The Brobdingnags were 12 times as big as Gulliver. This ad for Infinity Flats must therefore be inferring that their $4.5 mil+ lofts are 12 times as big as a normal-sized loft. One can thusly conclude that the normal-sized Manhattan loft condo is about 341.6 square feet and costs about $375,000, yes? Hmm. BUT, if one were to sell all one's children to be eaten, then that there Brobdingnagian pricetag wouldn't seem so "infinitely" ridiculous. (at least they spelled 'Brobdingnagian' right)
(scanned from the front page of last week's New York Observer)
previously in stupid NYC real estate ads:
1. Plaza Hotel advertecture.
2. You must identify with 1 of these 5 twats...
3. Corporate real estate stooges redefine "shocking"
4. Unparalleled hyperbole of NYC real estate ads.
5. She feels pretty empty.
6. CLEARLY defining your target audience.

Corporate Real Estate Stooges Redefine "Shocking"

(click image)
How this ad was conceived:
1. Decide headline should be "SHOCKING!"
2. Royalty-free stock search for "shocking"
3. Buy photo.
4. Do hackneyed 2/3rds photo, 1/3rd text layout.
"200,000 square feet available immediately?!?" That's fucking punk rawk, Cushman & Wakefield (both of whom are long dead, btw)!!! West 57th is EDGY! Central Park views—Goth! Private dining club—Fight The Power! (scanned from this week's Crain's New York)

some previous NYC realty posts:
1. Taglines are DUMB: NYC Real Estate edition.
2. The Unparalleled Hyperbole of NYC Real Estate Ads.
3. CLEARLY defining your target audience.

The Unparalleled Hyperbole of NYC Real Estate Advertising.

(all headlines culled from the Sunday New York Times real estate section)
Ian Schager? I invite you to elegantly and effortlessly Kiss My Fucking Ass. All these pearls of prose are from ads selling empty rooms. NYC real estate developers and agents, there's a special room waiting for all of you at the end of your days—a windowless, underground "studio" with neither a doorman nor A/C. It does have a wooden floor though. And wooden walls and a wooden ceiling.
previously:
CLEARLY defining your target audience.

Hey Beaver, damn if you ain't infringing on a copyright.

For some reason, I've been following the exploits of New York City's and André Balazs' hot piece of real estate twat (no, not Uma) from day one. I like the little guy. But here, The Beav lamely jumps on the Super Bowl™® exploitation pile. Thing is André, The NFL is VERY protective of the term "Super Bowl." Maybe you noticed how all the advertisers not officially sanctioned by the league say "Big Game" instead of (shhh) "Super Bowl" in their ads. And André, making it one word doesn't exempt you, pal.
(scanned from yesterday's New York Times)
update: as an anon commenter states, this is a case of trademark, not copyright, infringement.
previously in William Beaver House ads:
1. The Beav's plans featured more wood.
2. Dean Balazs will NOT tolerate wild parties...
3. André Balazs has a new black beaver.

"I call architecture frozen music."—Goethe

(click ad for closer look)
"So, it's agreed. we're calling our building TEMPO."
"Yeah."
"OK, so let's stick an iPod in the layout."
"What?"
"An iPod. The click wheel'll be the O in TEMPO. And we'll put the rendering in the screen."
"Eh, Apple might have a problem with that."
"We'll change it a little."
"Are we giving away iPods?"
"No."
(scanned from last Sunday's New York Times. go here for more senseless New York City real estate advertising)

If you were made of platinum, you too could afford a Manhattan condo.

(click images for closer look)
Meet Mr. & Mrs. Platinum—the elite power couple of New York City. They both arise, powerfully, at 5 am in their powerful Hell's Kitchen "cutting-edge" condo to do their power workouts and eat their power breakfasts of energy shakes and energy bars. Next, they shower together (their shower head, of course, emits powerful streams) and make powerful love to each other. After toweling off, they each give the other's powerful platinum body a fresh coat of platinum paint. Only then, do they make their way downtown to their powerful jobs as platinum traders.
previously in powerfully stupid NYC real estate ads:
1. Hendrix rolling over in his puke.
2. Williamsburg: Radically Chic. Chicly Radical.
3. Caledonia slightly updates its ad twats.
4. CLEARLY defining your target audience.
5. She feels pretty empty.
6. Corporate real estate stooges redefine "shocking."

You MUST be at least as tall as our towers to buy a condo.

It's time for the most idiotic visual culled from the last week's worth of terrible real estate ads placed in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal. This beaut is from an ad for Turnberry Towers/Las Vegas. It's an endless supply of stupid, so, see you next time.

previously:
1. The Unparalleled Hyperbole of NYC Real Estate Advertising.
2. CLEARLY defining your target audience.

"Oh my! Look at the size of him! You'll be needing at least a triplex darling...

NYC Real Estate Dominatrix Barbara Corcoran knows a big thing when she see it. Apple. Suri. Shilough. I think Corcoran is paying Boerum Hill's walking baby billboard Michelle Williams and hubbie Heath Ledger to walk that kid 18 hours a day in rotating neighborhoods. And newborns mean abandoning 1BRs for 2BRs, duplexes, and townhouses. Somewhere in Manhattan right this very second, another wall is being knocked down and a hundred more women of means are being knocked the fuck up. Keep popping those fertility pills, 30-something New York women. Barbara will find you the space, bet your first born on it.
(on lafayette, between prince & spring)

previously:
1. The Unparalleled Hyperbole of NYC Real Estate Advertising.
2. CLEARLY defining your target audience.

André Balazs has a new black beaver.

Despite an apparent reconnection with Black Mamba, the small-headed hotelier ( I ride the elevator with him often. Good-looking man. Small features.) has introduced a big black beaver to downtown New York—the William Beaver House (site). Go to the site, and watch the fella tap his feet to some Mambo music (a tribute to Uma?). But I'm a little disappointed in you André. A truly dedicated womanizer would have developed a residence a block south at the corner of Broad and Beaver.

previously:
1. The Unparalleled Hyperbole of NYC Real Estate Advertising.
2. CLEARLY defining your target audience.
3. Free Jade Jagger Real Doll™ With Every Condo.

Hey Park Slope? You got a logo, BITCH?

(click ad for closer look)
MORE PARK LESS SLOPE. Jack "don't call me Jackson" Heights, Queens sticks a broken beer bottle right in the face of pretty Park Slope with this "Queens is the new Brooklyn" ad from today's Home ad supplement in the New York Times. And looky at that logo...A top hat! A beer belly! And he even jauntily dances to a jazzy tune at the JackHeights Website (which is sponsored by Queens realtor MPC Properties). Wonder what EDGY, Radically Chic/Chicly Radical Williamsburg has to say about this throwdown? No matter, it looks like we're just about ready for another round of The Unparalleled Hyperbole of NY Real Estate Advertising...

BREAKING: Bronx beaver brainchild of Balazs.

I had suspected something the moment the story broke. Then, after spotting this ad in Sunday's New York Times real estate section, I sprang into action. Late last night, I broke into André Balazs' AB Properties offices in the Puck Building. After disabling his high tech alarm system, I started jimmying the cabinets. Bingo, there it was! Under 'B' even...a full file on "André" (not José) the Bronx Beaver. Balazs you sly Bitch! Planting the cute fella in the Bronx river. What's your next scheme? The fake kidnapping of Jerry Mathers?
previously in William Beaver House ads:
1. Hey Beaver, damn if you ain't infringing on a copyright.
2. The Beav's plans featured much much more wood.
3. Dean Balazs will NOT tolerate wild parties...
4. André Balazs has a new Black Beaver.

Glamour Says to Grit, "Move to Bushwick."

(click ad for closer look)
The EDGE. Williamsburg meets Wall Street. Graffiti meets Givenchy. Indie rock bands meet stone countertops. Radically Chic meets Chicly Radical. Wide open views meet wide open legs. An easy-on-the-eyes logo meets a condo eyesore. Hyperbolic NYC real estate advertising meets a new bullshit buzz phrase.
(scanned from this week's Time Out New York)

Slow-ass news day forces copyranter to cover Calgary condo ad controversy.

(click image) How cute, Cowtown has their very own little sexist ad flap (If you look up, way up, you might see the flap! Haha, shut-up.) Travis Gertz (pictured) and his wife found this ad for The Montana condo development offensive to women, reports the Calgary Herald. The creative director at the stupid agency that created the stupid ad responded: "It was meant to be tongue-in-cheek (ass cheek!). We knew it was racy, but it wasn't meant to offend anyone." OK then! Let's all now move on to other things in our lives. Previous stops on the sexist real estate ad tour: D.C. Chicago. And of course New York.