...Donna Rice?

1970s ad (click) for the Rice Council of America. Rice "never intrudes. Never gets it the way." They (Madison Ave.) like to say sex can sell anything. Can it sell rice? No. No it cannot (image via). previously in vintage ad sexism: 1950s IBM. 1950s women TV ad announcers. 1950s Schlitz. 1950s Heinz. 1968 American Airlines. 1969 Tab. 1970s Tiparillo. 1970s Canada Dry.

According to Advertising, the 1950s woman wanted to fuck her appliances.

 (detail from 1956 Monsanto ad featuring a Hoover vacuum that wasn't also a phone)

It was the salad baby-booming post-WWII days of this great country, when men were men and women were wives. Obedient wives. Obedient wives with sparkling dishware, spotless clothing that smelt of the ocean, perfectly organized spice racks, and tightly sealed leftovers. Obedient wives who put on their shiniest pair of fuck-me pumps and orgasmed whenever a new appliance arrived (but not in bed, unless it was a new bed with Tide®-fresh sheets).

The Advertising Creative Revolution of the 1960s swept aside this obscene objectophilia. But it created another one, for men, involving cars (future post). There's always another one. Today it's gadgets, right moronic Apple fanboys?

To the appliance porn.

Click images to enlarge.

Let's start small and work our way up to the bigger, thicker appliances. How to please a lady...a lady in love? A hot little Proctor toaster. What is the right lady wearing? An apron? A frilly corset?

Details from two 1950s Toastmaster ads. Left, a Christmas ad featuring the happiest lady in the history of humanity. Right, a lady seductively jabbing herself in a personal arousal spot with her sharp nail (and probably drawing an inward breath).

Alright, to the washers & dryers. Get comfortable, we're going to be here awhile.
Two ads from 1953. Be-pumped left lady is rubbing herself against a vibrating Thor. Right lady is reluctant to leave the laundry room after the thrilling performance she just experienced.

Details from 1954 Bendix ad and 1958 Hotpoint ad featuring two satisfied ladies sporting their post-O faces. Right lady is—oh my. She had to sit on the running dryer for several minutes afterwards.

There were two ways to satisfy a "seven-year itch" in the 50s.
The Marilyn way and the Maytag way.
Both blew plenty of hot air up your skirt.

 

Two very different housewives in heels in love: L—If even one of her carefully selected towels came out less than perfect, control-freak Dominatrix tortured her blue boy by repeatedly turning him on and off. R—Sweet Submissive gives her soft towel-making sex machines fresh flowers every day.

L—Have hot identical twins in fuck-me pumps ever stared at you like that?
R—"So long and thick and smooth. You can agitate my dirty panties anytime, Maytag."

OK, let's move on to sizzling steamy ovens.
Sure, Dad and Daughter are excited about the new range. But not nearly as hot and bothered as Wifey. She instantly feels an electric connection like she's never felt with her dorky husband.

Lady (again wearing fucking pumps) can't even stay in the kitchen with her Tappan range and it's hot pieces of meat, all she can do is look on with sex face. R—LOVE BEAUTIFUL ME, LOVE MY BEAUTIFUL RANGE.

Refrigerators. What drew the 1950s woman to their cold, cold hearts? Well, the International Harvester (L) was "femineered!"—which was enough for ladies to sit on their cold kitchen floors, dresses splayed wide open, picking the color of their future lovers. Speaking of lovers, As commanded, second lady has fallen in love with her big inanimate pink object.

L—Heaven, I'm in Appliance Heaven...
R—Ditto.

(Promotional image via Frigidaire, 1956)

Apparently starting around 1954, housewives all across America got together, covertly, at regional all-night appliance sex cult gatherings in warehouses. (Think: Eyes Wide Shut). They'd don evening gowns and long white gloves and chant Latin while making the above secret "half box" sign (representing half of an appliance). Then, the orgies commenced.

"A woman announcer is always a hazardous risk..."

(click images) It's the Dos and Don'ts of using women announcers!—from some sort of 1950s TV advertising manual. Do give the woman announcer a "prop" because "woman talk that way..." (?) Don't "cast for beauty...because the viewer may never get his mind off the pretty girl." Well, that Don't is roundly ignored today. And lastly, Don't let her be "too aggressive. She will antagonize all men and many women." So, plain and passive, sweetheart, got it? Okay, roll camera...(via flickr) previously in women in 1950s ads: the Perfect Pepsi People. Don't worry darling, you didn't burn the Schlitz. Perma-lift girdle ad is a surrealistic riddle. Ivory soap positioned as Xanax for women. And, Heinz soups ad includes the copy line "Most husbands, nowadays, have stopped beating their wives..."

I wonder how many hands this thing mangled?

(click ad, from 1950) And how the fuck did it work? I guess it shook the shit out of your hand, which you then applied to your body? And where's the, I'm assuming, even scarier STIM•U•LAX Senior? From Oster! Dig the wavy type on STIM (image via). Previously in probably deadly products from the 1950s: the Homko remote-controlled Mow-bot. Previously in: 1950s ads.

A man's life was tough in the 1950s.

(click image, via)
What with the turtle attacks, crab attacks, giant bug attacks, bat attacks, rat attacks, and otter(?) attacks and GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WATER, MAN! (Thanks, Ted) Previously: the homoerotic 1950s Schlitz beer ads.

School children in the 1950s wore dog tags for identification in case of Nuclear Armageddon.

(click images)
No nightmares there, I'm sure. The program was started in North Carolina, but never went national (a shame). In the early 1950s, every NYC schoolkid from kindergarten to 4th grade was issued a tag.
OK class, incoming. Put on your dog tags, and get under your desks. Here ya go Mom, this charred log is your Suzy. Related: Check out these unintentionally funny retro nuclear bomb-vertisements.

Husband buys "In-Sink-Erator." Now has sex 3X a day.

(click ad, via)
Oh 1950s, you were so covertly horny. Pearl necklaces, nice touch. Previously in 1950s husband/wife ads: • Heinz—"most husbands, nowadays, have stopped beating their wives..." • Schlitz—"don't worry darling, you didn't burn the beer!"

"Latest Interplanetary Design" in Space Helmets, 1953.

(via Paul Malon)
There were a lot of cheap-ass, ugly-ass "space helmets" produced in America in the 1950s-60s. But this one is the cheap-ass-iest, ugly-ass-iest one I've ever seen. It looks like it was made in about 10 minutes from shit from some guy's house. Previously: classroom of the future, according to 1950s Japan.

THE PERFECT PEPSI PEOPLE OF THE 1950s...

(click ad to read copy) "Just being around them makes you feel good! They're so wonderful to look at—these slender, handsome active men and women of today." Jesus, just look at fucking Lana and Burt and their Pepsi perfectness. Imagine the serenity. Imagine the conversation. Imagine the sex. Fuckin' terrible 2009. I wish it was the 50s. Glamorous bras cost $1. The girdle ads were surreal puzzles. If wifey burnt dinner, you got shitfaced on Schlitz. And the original Marlboro Man wore Pierre Cardin and lived in Paris. (via)

When beer ads blew sunshine up your ass.

(click ad) Joseph Schlitz was a lying sack of shitz. This 1936 Schlitz ad joins its sunshiny sister ad in the Lies Well Disguised™ Hall of Fame. The copy is drunk with hyperbole: "That feeling of radiant health enjoyed on a breeze-swept deck—that sense of bracing invigoration and fresh vitality—are captured for you in each sparkling, foam-capped glass of Schlitz, the beer with Sunshine Vitamin D. (...) Beer is good for you—but Schlitz...is extra good for you." If you've ever tasted Schlitz, well then you know that that steering fluid-like can is the most accurate thing in the ad (image via). Previous vintage Schlitz ad: 1950s—"don't worry darling, you didn't burn the beer!"

Vintage Cigarette Ad of the Week: Buy Old Golds or we'll hang this Dachshund.

(click ad, from 1954, via) Old Gold's 1950s evil dog ads are fairly well known, but I hadn't seen this one before. Extra EVIL. Related: the most magnificent vintage cigarette ad ever. Related: The famous 1973 National Lampoon cover.

The Abominable Vegetable Man.

(click ads) Back in the 1950s, before he became the handsome animated icon hanging out with cute little Sprout, the Green Giant wasn't so much jolly as he was fucking scary (see above). Check out this terrifying early black & white TV incarnation (images via). Previous terrifying ad icons: Snuggle. The Balvenie Weenie™. Mr. Opportunity (not really scary, just a douchebag). Mr Min Pornocchio.

The DuPont Cellophane® Dead Babies Ad Series, #3.

(click ad, via Mitch O'Connell)
Perhaps you've seen the other two horrifying "Fresher Baby Meat Through Chemistry" ads from the 1950s DuPont series. This is a third one I hadn't seen before. Here's your newborn suffocated baby, Mommy! These ads are astoundingly stupid.

Note to Dockers®: Khakis are not manly.

(click image, via adrants)
This, this is laughable.
As part of their timely 1950s-esque "Wear the pants" campaign, Dockers' ad agency Draftfcb San Francisco mailed out the brand's "Alpha" (snicker) khakis in whiskey-like packages to 600 male online consumers. Because real men drink whiskey, while wearing the wuss pants favored by flabby middle manager drones all across America. It's yet another "call to masculinity", bros. "Reclaim your lost male-aesthetic", business casual pussies. Add Dockers to your MAN UP product list, which should also include Miller Lite (or Coors Light), Pepsi Max, and of course the Fleshlight.

Link Haze, 8/29/11.

(image via)
• Mondays.
• cat gif.
• Hurricat!
• Violent typeface.
• a QRST in Bushwick.
• Photos of Moscow in the 1950s-60s.
• Old Navy + Night Ranger = puke in mouth.
• World's smallest toughest crossword puzzle.
• Dark humor TV spot for Diners Club, minus the humor.
• Make your head into a piece of candy, for some stupid reason.

top 5 BuzzFeed posts of the week (well, last 2 weeks)

• Accurate corporate logos.
• The six most popular Creative Director outfits.
•New Wendy's logo has a dark subliminal message.
• 10 more retro ads that made women look like idiots.
• Teen girl dating advice from the 1950s (very strange Kotex ads, one of them, above).

Link Haze, 6/26/09.

• will.i.shill.
• Hitler's gold bookmark.
• Koogle is kosher Google.
• 1950s Air Force recruitment spot.
• You can't spell EAT ME without ATM.
• Pentagram redesigns for Marlboro (via).
• Space station photo of erupting Russian volcano.
• UK bookstores promote The Crimes of Josef Fritzl for Father's Day.

Retro Bra Ad Of The Week.

(click ad, via) Travel back to October 1941 with me and meet the mutantly-proportioned minx Dot Cole, official little spokes-thang for the Formfit Life bras. That's it Dot baby, touch your toes—are you not wearing panties?!? I'd write a nasty limerick for you, but I'm a little busy. Maybe you can add one in the comments (PervertRanter wrote this post).
Previous Retro Bra Ads:
1950s—The bra of Hollywood starlets, $1.00.
1963—Frederick's blow-up bras.
1970s—The Nipple Bra™.

A 1950s ad that'll make the Tea Party cum.

(click ad, via) Bohn is known for their cool, futuristic post-WWII print ads. Here, they strayed into the BETTER DEAD THAN RED war. Commie Nobama is slowly poisoning this great country, ain't he—making us drink from his chalice of false hope? Related: Dickhead Steve Forbes Photoshops Obama's head into Stalin-Lenin photo.

Cool Soviet anti-American Cold War posters.

(Click posters, via)
Perestroika, smerestroika.
Some nice designs.
See comments for translations.
Previously:
• Soviet propaganda posters (1917-1922).
• Violent Soviet work safety posters (1950s-1960s).