The worst anti-smoking spot I've ever seen.

(via) Compare to: the worst anti-smoking billboard I've ever seen. Here, stupid visual puns are even worse than stupid verbal puns. Is the insufferable Kenneth punneth Cole, the Worst Copywriter In The History of Advertising™, now shooting European PSAs on the side? Because this is nuclear stupid. The acting and the direction just add to the awfulness. Produced by Austria's Good Food Studio.

Today in torturous puns.

(scanned from the Summer issue of Aspen magazine)
previously in Bad Puns:
1. Every time someone makes a bad pun, an angel's wings burst into flames.
2. Head. Exploding. Pun. Overdose.
3. Live by the pun. Die by the pun.
4. Chuck brings the Suck.
related on Gawker: Kenneth Cole. Worst copywriter in history.

A campaign that could go on for-Effen-ever.

(click ads, via) Dutch vodka Effen (means "smooth" in the native Netherlandian tongue) launched about four years ago in the US. Now, their Chicago agency, Euro RSCG, has finally rolled out the double entendre print ads that capitalize on the—what I'm sure was—carefully selected brand name. Puns are almost always a terrible creative linchpin (see: asshat Kenneth Cole). But with this product, doing anything else would be Effen pointless.
Previously in torturous ad puns:
• Model Tea.
• Shoe-icide.
• Clay achin'.
• General Betray Us.
• Bud's InaugurALE.

Head. Exploding. Pun. Overdose.

(In SoHo on Crosby St, between Prince & Spring)
Tea for models? Model T? T-Model? Formal model Tea? A tea model? God, I need a drink. Not of tea.
previously in Puns:
1. Live by the Pun. Die by the Pun.
2. Chuck brings the Suck.
3. Kenneth Cole's Puns are Re-Hyphen-Tarded.

Cole Loses Yet Another Battle In War On Words.

(click image)
It's an atrocity, no doubt—the mixing of terrible shoe puns with the War in Iraq. The torturous use of language is reminiscent of Abu Ghraib, though.

previously:
Kenneth Cole's Puns are Re-Hyphen-Tarded.

(taken on Prince, between Broadway & Crosby)

COLE DROPS ANOTHER DIRTY BOMB.

(click image for closer look)
ADVERTS OF CRASS COMMERCIALISM. Because, if Kenny stops forcibly cramming square peg headlines into round hole ads, the terrorists will have won. What's the next hot button issue you're going to insensitively usurp to sell merch, Cole? How 'bout global warming/watches: BETTER "WATCH" IT, OUR PLANET IS RUNNING OUT OF TIME! Or, Darfur/men's ties: SHOW THE WORLD YOUR DRESSY SIDE, NOT GENOCIDE! etc.
(also: "The Writing Is On The Wall"—so mysterious! What's the frequency, Kenneth? What does it mean, man? [answer: absolutely nothing.])
previously in idiotic ken cole ads:
1. Kenneth Cole owns AIDS.
2. Cole loses yet another battle in war on words.
3. Cole's puns are re-hyphen-tarded.
related on Gawker: Kenneth Cole. Heel.

It IS hard for black kids to fit in on the Upper West Side.

(click image to read copy)
It's gotta be tough on the purple girl, too. Outdoor poster—snapped in the very white, very socially-conscious UWS—for the NYU Child Study Center. Copy reads, "Social phobia is intense shyness and pathological self-consciousness." Actually, "pathological self-consciousness" is a pretty dead-on description of the day-to-day mindset of many of the super-human, über-active UWS parents.
previously in New York street ads:
1. Kenneth Cole's puns are re-hyphen-tarded.
2. Zipper Theater.
3. as pure as the driven snow.
4. TRIBECA HORROR FILM FESTIVAL.
5. Bowlmor Lanes. No Alleys (?).

Marty Markowitz Memorial High School?

Brooklyn is getting an advertising high school next year! Yo! Surprisingly, it doesn't seem to have a name yet. Unsurprisingly, I've come up with a few bad ones:
• Blow Me Donny Deutsch High School
• No Sleep Til The Presentation's Done...High
• P.S. # Your Mother's Ass
• Coolee High
• Fugazy High
• Puns & Stock Photos Technical School
Dees suck. But if any of yooze got one, leave it in da comments.
previously in ad school:
1. Real World vs. Ad School.
2. The first ad campaign I ever did.
3. How Bad Do You Want To Be A Hack?
4. School of Visual Arts doth prepare thee well, young apprentice.

ZING, moveon.org!

[headline from a full-page ad (see the whole ad here) in today's New York Times from MoveOn.org]
previously in bad puns:
1. Clay Achin'
2. Model Tea.
3. shoe-icide.
4. FREE RANGE CHECKIN'
5. Have you cleaned your "ducts" lately?

ADVERTISING IS PUNDAMENTAL.

(LA Metro Website banner ad that also appears as a billboard near the 134 freeway in Pasadena, according to tipster Maxwell Harwitt.)
See Kenny Cole? This is how you do the Pun. The phrase works on both levels. You will miss horrific Los Angeles County traffic if you go Metro. And, LA Metro is in fact looking for the next Miss Traffic. Zing & Zing! But seriously, young ad writers—don't use puns. They're bad bad BAD news (see headline).

Kenneth Cole Raises His "Awearness" Level.

As previously noted (13th bullet), The Worst Copywriter In The History Of Advertising™ now has a blog called "Awearness." And, he's started advertising his new venture (right) on the streets of New York. Too bad somebody else already owns awearness.com. Damn, Kenny! It seemed like such an original and pithy made-up word, huh? I'm sure your lawyers vetted it. It's equally as brilliant as the name of Ken's section of the blog, "Clothes Mindedness." See what he did there? Turned a negative phrase into a positive one? Or an equally negative one? Or a confusing, headache-inducing one, depending on how it hits you? KC's welcome letter is also quite warm and punshiny:
"Just like a cheap, ill-fitting suit, I know you want to get something off your chest, so please sit back, pour yourself a glass of intelligent debate and throw another dialog on the fire..."
Now I know some are you are thinking, "hey asshole, at least he's socially active." And my response is, yes, that is most certainly a very good thing. But this is an ad blog, not an activism blog. And because Mr. Cole continues to shamelessly mix the two to sell merchandise—over and over again—and does so using epically awful puns, I will continue to post his ads. That's my write as a sit-izen!
(see a second ad for Cole's blog @ AskACopywriter)

12 Advertising Headlines That Mean Absolutely Fucking Nothing.

(via some mall in Atlanta)

Shakespeare once described advertising (or maybe it was Life) as "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Today, of course, most advertising means little or nothing. But some of it means more nothing than the rest. Here is some of that—a collection I've been compiling for awhile.

(snapped on the Upper West Side)

Well, that's...right? Better than "like smegma".
(I do like the product shot art direction of Stoli's new campaign, very Commie.)

(on an A train)

Forget the "CARPE P.M." groaner pun, focus on the sign-off line. "Most Refreshing"? That doesn't mean "tastiest". What does it mean? The most water? Now add in "The Night's" and the line actually becomes less than meaningless.

(in Times Square)

Latin-based puns are hot now.
If this was an ad for the NSA, it would make sense. But it isn't.

(near Columbus Circle)

Ready for what—besides taking my money? To be robbed? And who's "New York"? Anyway: who had the better beard? Wells? or Fargo?

How about that for a USP? Coffee you can actually drink. Donuts you can actually eat. VISIBLE WORDS YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE.

The meaningless of this line is headache-inducing, much like cable company customer service. The four words add up to nothing to the power of infinity, xfinity.

(via Australia)

Ad bursting with bullshit.
I see only "OH!" on the bottle. Maybe 'YEAH!" is listed in the ingredients.

(on an A train)

It's in "quotes" I guess to emphasis the spoken-ness. How bout "English"? Is that "spoken" there, stupid New Jersey school of "higher" "learning"?

The shit-beer's all-encompassing, utterly meaningless tagline for a couple years now.
• Friend just got eaten by a bear? PERFECT.
• Sharted? PERFECT.
•Beer-tasting contest? PERFECT.

Not only means nothing, but is about the laziest piece of copywriting I've ever seen. What do I win? Are you giving away a free beer to everybody who sees this ad? Find yourself a new agency, Corona. (Ad is by Cramer-Krasselt.)

(in Penn Station)

Another literal headache-inducer.
2nd ad: GRAB THE FIGURATIVE BEAR BY THE LITERAL FUR.

This is your hyperbole. This is your phone.

(click ad to better read copy)
Paging through Gotham, one of the editorially-bereft vanity mags of the Jason Binn (prick) Niche Media crap-pile, I happened upon this breathtaking example of laughably-overwritten luxury product copy (Me, I would have added the line Activate Your Destiny.). When the least expensive cell phone you offer costs $6,600, simple puns or over-caffeinated cheerleaders or even Catherine Zeta Jones just won't do. No, we've reached New York City realty level hyperbole here. This is some tripled distilled, oak-barrel-aged bullshit.
previously in bad copywriting:
1. "Seduce Your Palate."
2. "Blow Off An Energy Hog."
3. "O' Stupid Billboard, O' Stupid Billboard."
4. "I'm a gay man trapped in the body of a fembot."
5. What's the one word you don't want to read at an airport?

Herman Cain's new gangsta campaign slogan.

(click image)
The man needs a lesson in puns. (Get on it Ken Cole!)
According to The Atlantic Wire: "When asked why he used that term, which could be interpreted as racially insensitive, he said, 'Cain. Herman Cain. C-A-I-N. Do I have to connect all the dots for you?'"
He's a bright man.
His previous pun slogan was much better.

Bud's terrible 'us too' Obama ad.

Alternate bad pun post headline: Bud "hops" on 'Bama bandwagon. (click ad) Budweiser American Ale—"try a little change." How 'bout you try a little original thought, Bud? Instead of lamely lampreying your new bullshit brew onto Obama's already over-exploited ass (scanned from the back of this week's Time Out NY). Previously in products lazily exploiting politicians; previously in shitty Bud ads; previously in ad puns almost never work.

The Worst Copywriter in the History of Advertising™ has pun with guns, gays, etc.

(click images)
The Worst Copywriter in the History of Advertising™ once again clumsily tries to mesh social issues, clothing, and terrible puns in his new Fall campaign. Go to WhereDoYouStand.com to watch four inane short "films" shot by Sean Ellis and starring bad-acting models Angela Lindvall and Casey Taylor. Each one, of course, ends in a flip groaner. The War pun is a recycled gem from five years ago.
To recap, Cole has exploited dead Egyptians, the financial collapse, the homeless, Captain Sullenberger, WMDs, and yes, AIDS, to sell clothing and accessories.

What is "Native Advertising"?

(I sincerely apologize for the e-card)

Media people are hungry for, curious about, perplexed by, or scared of, it, depending on the medium. Well, it's really a simple thing. Don't let the Social Media experts (dipshits) complicate it with their buzzword-filled explanations that go and on and on.

 But what is it?

Wikipedia: "a form of online advertising that matches the form and function of the platform on which it appears."

That's what it does, but what IS it?

Below is the definitive definition of "Native Advertising":

That's it.

Anybody tells you different, politely get up and excuse yourself from the room, walk briskly to the elevator, and then sprint out of their building (unless the person is your boss, then just sit there and nod your head like one of those toy dogs in the back of a car).

I'm kidding. Don't make a scene.

But that's not "advertising", you might be thinking. And you might be asking: Why would an advertiser want to advertise without advertising themselves? Well (chuckle), that's also very simple: (BUZZWORD alert x 2) Engagement and Metrics.

Native Advertising is Sponsored Content, but not all Sponsored Content is Native Advertising. Like the Wikipedia definition reads, Native Advertising looks and feels like editorial content. That's what gets readers to click sponsored links (Engagement) on sites like BuzzFeed (more on them here), Mashable, Huffington Post, etc.

Advertisers have fallen in deep dirty lust with those clicks (Metrics). The native post doesn't sell our product or brand name whatsoever? Who cares! MET-TRICKS!

Many Native Advertising experts are, not coincidentally, trying to dismiss/kill dead what they themselves have buzz-coined as "Traditional Advertising". Like this expert. (WARNING: I lost count at 50 buzzwords in that post. Didn't you see the Tom Hanks advertising movie, Nothing In Common, sir?) He basically speaks for every single Social Media expert out there. And he, and they, are as wrong as slush.

Readers respond foremost to creativity. What will happen—is happening, s l o w l y—is a marriage between Native and Traditional. Advertisers will start to see more and more that clicks ≠ sales. (Right, ship-my-pants Kmart?) And they will start to demand that their Native Advertising be Creative Advertising that sells the shit out of their brand (minus, stupid puns).

And who can make this marriage work?

Not Social Media experts.

Kenneth Cole owns AIDS.

Evidently, because of his involvement with the AIDS cause, junior copywriter Kenny Cole thinks it is now his inexorable right to profit off of the disease by slapping disease-y punlines on all of his product ads. FYI: I didn't crop off any copy from the ad; the headline and Kenny's signature are the only words on the page. Also, nice touch Ken using blotchy bloody type (click image). Subtle!
(scanned from the April Details)
previously in Kenny Cole ads:
1. Cole loses yet another battle in war on words.
2. Cole's puns are re-hyphen-tarded.
related on Gawker: Kenneth Cole. Heel.

Top 5 BuzzFeed Posts of the Week.

• 12 of the worst/best puns ever.
• Brilliant beer can design.
• Ladies, it's the most demanding personal ad ever.
• New loathsome Starbucks promo in Moscow.
• And, hot topless model in new Japanese Toyota commercial.

Ken Cole. Patriot.

The Worst Copywriter In The History Of Advertising™ again dips into his bottomless bag of bad puns and pulls out maybe the worst groaner yet. Earlier this year, he mocked consumers' spending fears to try sell his handbags. Now, on his billboard location over the West Side Highway (where he previously had bad sex with Eliot Spitzer), Cole gets down on his red, white, and blue knees and begs us to spend money we don't have on cheaply-made merchandise we don't need. His stimulus stunt: 100% of sales tax will be "donated" to pay down the national debt. What bullshit. How 'bout a good old-fashioned sale, Kenny? (image via).