FLY ME.

Smirnoff ad from what looks like the 70s. Putting aside the scenario of flying a biplane sauced (or shattered, as it says in the tagline), let's dive-bomb right into the bald innuendo (actually, since this was the 70s, we're probably not even talking trimmed, let alone bald. [zing!]). Headline + Leg Positions = Nothing Left To The Imagination, yes? At least, unlike the Baby Soft babydoll, she appears to be of age. related: ABSOLUT VAGINA; Twat The Hell?; Vaginas Bleed in France. (image via)

the 70s.

(click ad, from 1971, via) "My Career Club rayon body shirt fucks better than your shirt. It eats pussy better than your shirt. It drives faster than your shirt. It punches harder than your shirt. This blonde? She'd rather fuck my shirt than you. She has fucked my shirt before. Today. The six times a day we do fuck, she makes me keep the shirt on. She handwashes the shirt every day. I wear the shirt every day. Don't worry. I have six more new ones exactly like it. Your favorite shirt is piss with buttons. These are my pants, by the way."
Previously in: the 70s.

the 70s.

(click ad, via) Questions. Questions. Is that Thrush header muffler a phallic symbol? (Yes.) Is that the Grim Reapress? (I don't know.) And, is the Donny Osmond doppelgänger wearing a flame-retardant drag racing suit or some terrible 70s outfit? (I don't know.) For you youngsters, hp does not stand for Hewlett Packard. Previously in: the 70s.

The scariest pair of men's underwear to ever hide a penis.

(click ad to gasp, via) The year was 1977. The country was Australia. The fabric was the polymer nylon. The maker was Speedo. The penis was silently screaming. I have no idea what that headline means. Who wore it studlier? Mr. Rawhide here? Or this 70s piece of beefcake in his nylon Onesie? Previously in disturbing 70s men's fashions:
• The Eleganza! Man.
• five ugly naked men wearing ugly socks.
• my rayon shirt fucks better than your shirt.
• the Horoscope slacks: his penis will guide the planet.

copyranter hits rock bottom.

(click image to admire stitching)
Many of you are too young to remember the 70s; The shirts were polyester; the shoes were platform; and the women's jeans were tight. Skin tight. No, you're not thinking tight enough. So tight, that women would have to get somebody to use pliers to pull up the zipper. Miss Levi's was one of the more popular lines.
But, that's neither here nor there (I love that cliché). I'm only posting this so's you all can compare the above 70's Ass to the previously-posted 00's German subway poster Ass and Kate Moss's NoHo Ass. Which Ass is hotter? Tighter? More squeezable? Better crack-age? Leave your vote in the comments. My girlfriend's gets my vote.
Thanks to Steve Hall at adrants for the Miss Levi's Ass ad.)
previously in ASS:
1. eau de ASS.
2. Continuing with Ass Month on copyranter.
3. Cracks starting to show in American Apparel empire?
4. ...so feel free to wear your tightest short-shorts, ladies.
on Gawker: The most exploitive use of ass in an ad ever?

The 70s—the return of the Gay Bob doll!

(click ad, via) He was the "world's first gay doll for everyone," and he just loved to love himself! That outfit is a slight improvement on Gay Bob's last high-waist jeans ensemble. He came (often!) in his own closet. For all of you wondering about Gay Bob's anatomy, here you go! He can still be had on e-bay, so get X-Mas shopping. Pair him with this gay cologne. Previously in the Gay 70s: By the power of Gaaaaay-Skull!

retroslutty: 1964 Frederick's of Hollywood catalog.

(click pages) Get that "marry-a-millionaire" look! Pages from a wonderful 1964 catalog for Frederick's, the world's foremost purveyor of cheap whore couture for street walkers, sweet talkers, and rich cad stalkers since 1946. Lucky was the horny pubescent boy who got his hands on one of these treasured publications in the 70s-80s when the catalogs featured live models and included some booby and booty peeks. Sigh. (images via flickr) Previously in sleazy retro products: The Nipple Bra™. The Love Rug™. The Love Maid™.

In 1976 NYC, even the billboards were allowed to smoke.

(click image for a taste of decadent New York)
Imagine if nanny mayor Michael Bloomberg ran New York City in the 70s. Prim Mary Poppins would've been called in to clean up Times Square, forcing the seven luscious "librarians" at the Library massage parlor (nsfw!) onto the cold, hard streets. And the Marlboro Man would've grabbed his drinking buddy the Winston Man and moved to fucking Paris. (image via flickr)

The 1970s—was it the shirt, the sideburns, or the sexy indifference?

(click ad , via) Exact translation: "Definitely...they fall well!" "They" meaning, I guess, naked Latina babes with sexy tanlines. He looks...uninterested, annoyed even. Menswear of the 70s was a couture wonderland. Examples:
• Stud in a Onsie.
• the Eleganza Man!
• Horoscope fun slacks.
• 5 naked men in hideous socks.
• his shirt fucks better than your shirt.

The most pairs of panties ever in an ad.

(click ad, from the 1970s, via) Also, probably the creepiest Mom ever in a panty ad. Look at that expression. Is she a panty-stealing serial killer? Does she take her daughter panty shopping for weeks on end? Did the two of them just raid a Taiwanese panty factory? Is that her daughter? Is Mom wearing any panties? "Sensuous thongs?" In the 70s?
Related: the epic American Apparel Panty Video.

In the 70s, men picked up women with their watches (nsfw).

(click ads)
I previously posted the "Time To Fuck" watch (L) last year. Well, that classy timepiece wasn't the only subtle pick-up watch that "Leasure" Time Products offered. Right: our horny hero, who probably looked a lot like this guy, goes straight for the hair pie while his fancy digital watch flashes the half-disingenuous message "I Love You Lets (sic) Fuck." $99. Steep price. But it bought you an endless supply of disco club pussy. Thanks to Vinnie for the second ad.

When Advertising Lied Harder: The 1970s Love Rug.

(click ad to read copy)
"As you stroke, it strokes....It's almost like having another lover there with the two of you." 150 bucks?!? In the 70s? It better fucking stroke me. And how 'bout the Willie Aames look-a-like? update: commenter says that's porn star Randy West. previously: 1936—Schlitz is better for you than sunshine; 1968—think of this American Airlines stewardess as a MILF; 1972—amateur porn is born; 1960s—Schaefer is the one beer to have when the liquor store is out of every other brand.

(nsfw)

(click ad, via) Part of me thinks 'Photoshopped fake.' But a much bigger part of me, the part that grew up in the 70s, thinks 'of course it's fucking real.' Check the copy: "Every 30 seconds, (2880 times a day) this...gold watch will flash "TIME TO FUCK" on the dial face." The suave men who sported this piece on their wrists probably also owned this rug, this phone, and these hangers.

It's your sexxxy 1970s underwear ad update.

(click ads) FUNTAWEAR! Roller Disco! Coke and Cock! Black guy's got the ruler pair, of course. "Here I come!" "I can't believe I ate the whole thing!" It was a time when men were lions, and everything was shaggy—even the Love Rug™. You wore Cannabis cologne, and it was always Time To Fuck. The 70s. I was a tad too young to get laid in that decade, maybe you got some of that musky action?
Ads via Mitch O'Connell (thanks Vinnie).

shoes on a platter floating above a naked woman.

(click ad, via) Why do many men's shoe ads include female sexualization (dumb question, I know)? Is it because shoes are long and hard? We've seen a miniaturized Geisha girl shoelace-tied to a dress Oxford. Naked anonymous models holding handmade British footwear, phallically. And busty, dirty little shoe polishers. And here, from the 70s, the most disconnected example via some Wisconsin company called Nunn Bush (still in business!). In my youth, I had a pair similar to the far left shoe. I also had a light blue leisure suit. I'm gonna stop now with the oversharing.

This Drug-Free ad will kill more kids than it will save.

(click ad) Even though the ad via Drug-Free New Jersey—spotted on a PATH train by Animal—is targeting parents, kids are gonna see the cool retro typeface and drool at that cool Chevelle(?) SS, and then read about how kickass horse (that's what us geezers called heroin in the 70s) has become, and then try it, and then die. Brilliant. Previously: here's five anti-drug ads from around the world.

It's bushy vadge week on copyranter. These things happen.

(click ad, via) Yesterday, it was a poster for a Bucharest waxing salon with tear-off pubic hair phone numbers. Today, we have a poster for Sex Cinema Venus, the oldest adult movie theater in Amsterdam's red light district which shows only vintage porn from the 70s. So: thick 8mm bush. FYI: the cinema is apparently scheduled to be closed soon because of city regeneration plans. Related: eco shopping bag features pussy bush through the decades.

Get into your bud Mary Jane's pants with Cannabis Cologne.

(click ad, from 1981, via) Yes, this is a real ad. I've just cropped off the bottom coupon portion of it. The hyperbolic copy (read it) is stoned out of its mind. Oh where have you gone, Stash? Previously in: bygone sexxxy 70s/80s products for studs: The Love Rug™. The Oral Sex phone. The Me Jane hangers. And the Time To Fuck watch.

Also, make him get a goddamn man's haircut.

(click ad, from a 1974 Woman's Day, via) Jesus, sweetheart. That pussy's hair is purtier than yours. Throw out his Vidal Sassoon conditioner, send him to the local cheap barber to get a flat-top, and make him change the oil in your VW Thing. When he's done, punch him in the face as hard as you can. While he's in the bathroom staunching the blood, liberally apply some Emaraude. The fuck of your life will commence shortly. Previously in: Sexy 70s Sexism.

O.J. killed my Dingo Kid!

(click ad, via) You younger people may not know this, but back in the 70s, before he was a non-convicted double-murderer, O.J. Simpson flew through airports for Hertz and got paid to wear ugly-ass Dingo boots. Now, to get your autographed pic of the hall of fame running back, mail a check or money order—a hundred bucks should be enough—to him c/o the Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada.