Wednesday, November 30, 2011

At this point, your planking stunt better be EPIC.

(click image, via)
Will allow. Previously: Maybe this will put an end to the Planking garbage.

"I'm a lawyer. I'm on a billboard."

(click billboard, via Tampa)
Daryl Q. Stringer understands the persuasive power of the Motherfuckin' billboard. If I'm in an accident in Tampa, I know Daryl will get me greenbacks back. I'll take him any day over the big city law firms and their awful animal metaphor ads. Previous epic lawyer billboard: Magilla Gorilla, Esq.

Today in FartVertising (nsfw?).

(click ad, from 2004, via)
Posted for no other reason than FartVertising is one of my regular beats here. Ad is for Madaus, some sort of anti-gas product. It won a few awards, if you care. Ad agency: BBDO, Düsseldorf. Here's nine previous FartVertising Ads.

Here's a bus ad that's better than most.

(click image, via)
For extra strength Bayer Aspirin®, currently on the backs of several Toronto city buses, according to the agency press note. Bus driver hits the brakes, the lights simulate the pounding pain. It's a bit creepy, but it's simple and it works. Smart media buy. Previous cool bus ads: Crayfish on a bus! • Snake on a bus!

Sexy UK lingerie ad banned for being too sexy.

(click image, via)
The UK's advertising wet nurse—the ASA—strikes again. Bus poster is for Marks & Spencer's Autograph line. Said the ASA:
The shot of the woman kneeling on the bed was "overtly sexual" because her legs were wide apart, her back was arched, she was touching her thigh and wearing stockings. "We considered that the image was of an overtly sexual nature and was therefore unsuitable for untargeted outdoor display, as it was likely to be seen by children." Previously: ASA bans Italian tile ads with Geisha bondage imagery.

Seat Belt Ad of the Week: SPLAT! goes your son's head.

(click ad, via)
It's not a perfectly clear idea, but I guess that's what the ice cream cone represents. PSA via Top Gear magazine. If you don't wear seat belts, you're just a dummy (like these guys). Ad agency: Selmore, The Netherlands. Previously: This brilliant UK seat belt PSA was YouTube's 2010 Ad of the Year.

Junior Copywriters—this is who you are.

(click images, via)
I could write better ones.
Previously: Infographic—Copywriters are Douchebags.

The best used snowblower ad ever (796 words)?

This has been posted everywhere, and now it's been posted here. Moncton, New Brunswick resident Weh-Ming Cho posted this hyperbolic classified ad on eBay's Kijiji site during a recent snowstorm. A Canadian columnist, Alec Bruce has since bought the thing, according to Adweek, and Cho is now a national hero.
It's pretty good. I could have written a better one.

11HP/29" Snowblower
Price $900.00
Address Moncton, NB, Canada

Do you like shoveling snow? Then stop reading this and go back to your pushups and granola because you are not someone that I want to talk to.

Let’s face it, we live in a place that attracts snow like Magnetic Hill attracts cars, only that ain’t an illusion out there. That’s 12 inches of snow piling up and, oh, what’s that sound? Why it’s the snow plow and it’s here to let you know that it hates you and all the time you spent to shovel your driveway. Did you want to get out of your house today? Were you expecting to get to work on time? Or even this week?

You gave it your best shot. You tried to shovel by yourself and I respect you for that. I did it, my parents did it, some of my best friends did it. But deep down inside, we all wanted to murder that neighbor with the snowblower who was finished and on his second beer while you were still trying to throw snow over a snowbank taller than you are.

So, here we are. You could murder your neighbour, which could ensure that you won’t need to shovel a driveway for 25 to life, but there are downsides to that too. What to do?

Here’s the deal. I have a snow blower and I want you to own it. I can tell you’re serious about this. It’s like I can almost see you: sitting there, your legs are probably crossed and your left hand is on your chin. Am I right? How’d I do that? The same way that I know that YOU ARE GOING TO BUY THIS SNOWBLOWER.

I want you to experience the rush that comes with smashing through a snowdrift and blowing that mother trucker out of the way. The elation of seeing the snow plow come back down your street and watching the look of despair as your OTHER neighbour gets his shovel out once more while you kick back with a hot cup of joe (you don’t have a drinking problem like that other guy).

Here’s what you do. You go to the bank. You collect $900. You get your buddy with a truck and you drive over here. You give me some cold hard cash and I give you a machine that will mess up a snowbank sumthin’ fierce. I’ve even got the manual for it, on account of I bought it brand new and I don’t throw that kind of thing away. Don't want to pay me $900? Convince me. Send me an offer and I'll either laugh at you and you'll never hear back from me or I'll counter.

You want a snow blower. You need a snow blower.

This isn’t some entry level snow blower that is just gonna move the snow two feet away. This is an 11 HP Briggs and Stratton machine of snow doom that will cut a 29 inch path of pure ecstasy. And it’s only 4 years old. I dare you to find a harder working 4 year old. My niece is five and she gets tired and cranky after just a few minutes of shoveling. This guy just goes and goes and goes.

You know what else? I greased it every year to help keep the water off it and the body in as good as shape as possible. It's greasier than me when I was 13, and that's saying something.

You know how many speeds it has? Six forward and two in reverse. It goes from “leisurely” slow up to “light speed”. Seriously, I’ve never gone further than five because it terrifies me. I kid you not, you could probably commute to work with it dragging you.

You know what else is crappy about clearing snow in the morning? That you have to do it in the dark. Well, not anymore! It has a halogen headlight that will light your way like some kind of moveable lighthouse (only better, because lighthouses won’t clear your driveway).

Oh, and since it’s the 21st century, this snow blower comes with an electric starter. Just plug that sucker in, push the button, and get ready to punch snow in the throat. If you want to experience what life was like in olden days, it comes with a back-up cord you could pull to start it, but forget that. The reason you’re getting this fearsome warrior was for the convenience, so why make it harder on yourself?

By this point, you’re probably wondering why I would sell my snowblower since the first snowpocalypse is upon us today. I’ll tell you why: because I heard it was time for you to man up and harness some mighty teeth and claws and chew your way to freedom, that’s why.

This is my snow blower. Make it your snow blower.

Maybe the worst Photoshopped ad ever.

(click ad, via)
At least by a "big name" ad agency (McCann Zagreb). This is even worse than this digital disaster by McCann, Kenya. I'm assuming Hobby Cat is a brand of cat food in Croatia. For you non-Westerners who don't get the visual, it is a scene of a fox "hunt," where rich English pricks take a bunch of hound dogs out to track, chase, corner and maul to death a red fox. It is now banned in the UK as of 2005. (Are exceptions made for the Royals?)
Anyway, some of those cat images are repeated, and some appear to be anatomically incorrect.
Compare to the dumbest Photoshopped ad ever.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The most ridiculous British ad banning ever.

(click image)
The UK's ASA is well-known for their knee-jerk quashing of slightly porny or "controversial" ads, sometimes after receiving one or two complaints. But this banning is a new level nanny-ism.
That's 14-year-old actress Hailee Steinfeld (wonderful in "True Grit") sitting on railroad tracks waiting to—obviously—commit suicide. At least, that's what the ASA ruled.
The image is from a Miu Miu ad.
Previous noteworthy ASA bannings:
Geisha violence.
Racist Playstation ad.
Dakota Fanning's vagina bottle.
Gruesome "Last Exorcism" poster.
Jesus-mocking mobile phone ad.

Oblivious Suburban Mom is Oblivious.

(click images)
Were you a socks or tissues boy? I used both, but threw out the used socks.
See more of Oblivious Suburban Mom here. Previously in: Masturbation.

Here you'll see the funniest ad ever with dog piss in it.

(click ad, via)
You've already seen the funniest ever dog laxative ads. Now this pisser. Pipican is a Merck product, so probably toxic as hell. And of course the ad isn't quite accurate: the pee stream should be landing on their next door neighbor's bush. Ad agency: Lowe SSP3, Columbia. Here's one two three previous funny ads with dogs in them.

Vintage Ad of the Day: Newsweek.

(click ad, from 1960, via)
Might want to double check your sources these days, U.N. person. Nice layout, and no logo! Previously—1959 Daily Telegraph self-promo ad: "The man's paper that women read."

The best ever anti-Westboro Baptist Church protest sign.

(click image, via)
Shot at a counter protest.

Today's Ad That'll Make Art Directors Touch Their Genitals™.

(click ad, via)
"The Art of Cleaning."
The Art of Cleaning?
The Art. Of Cleaning.
There's nothing artistic about cleaning. EVER.
Ad agency: Leo Burnett, Paris.
Friggin' lazy Bohemian French. Just wipe up the fucking spill.
And! Here's lots more Ads That Made Art Directors Touch Their Genitals.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Christmas Evil: What the Hell is Frosty doing to Santa?

(click image, via)
Cold Pole in the Hole.
Previously in X-Mas Evil:
Jersey Shore ornaments.

cRaZY Japan Ad Watch: The craziest Burger King commercial ever!

From 2007. It is triply full of 勝利 (Win).
update: the spot is Korean, according to YouTube commenters.
Previously in: cRaZY Japan Ad Watch.

Women: this is what the men of the Religious Right think of you.

(click image, via)
Not very deep down, Newt Gingrich agrees.
Related: Michelle Bachmann pic of the day.

The evilest little boy the ad world has ever seen.

He's Norwegian, unsurprisingly. (Sure those tall pale people seem docile, but I'm not fooled.) Two-part spot is for the SMS service of Norway's 1888 telephone directory. Ad agency: Kitchen. The hair scene is the much better of the two.
Previous notable Norwegian TV spot: THIS is how to advertise salami.

Celestial Seasonings accidentally creates the best penis nickname ever.

Or, maybe it wasn't an accident? It is trademarked.
Stolen from redditor BackseatPhilosopher.
Previously: Eddie Bauer's dick-in-a-box Christmas window display.

The most illogical, unappetizing McDonald's ad ever.

(click ad, via)
McDonald's human finger fries ad step aside!
A goldfish in a Fillet-O-Fish ad? A fish sandwich made out of a fish bowl? This image makes me want to eat at McDonald's—how? Mickey Ds Finnish ad agency would approve. This is the latest, insane-est instance of: Art Directors Gone Wild!
Ad agency: Leo Burnett, Jeddah, Saudi Arabia.

The creepiest, stupidest battery ads ever.

(click ads, via)
Jesus Creepy Christ. Copy translation:"Really Intense Energy." What the hell is in your batteries, Bic? Electrochemical voodoo juice? They've turned my daughter's dolly into Bride of Chucky (with real teeth?), and my son's Teddy into I don't know WHAT the fuck (with real teeth?) And why do I want "intense" energy from a battery? I want long-lasting energy.
Hey, you wackos at TBWA Chile: this is how you do good battery ads.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Levi's model bukkaked by elves.

You need a release when you make the same damn toys all damn day. Seriously, that's a strange image. Here's four previous ads with Bukkake imagery.

"Unnecessary" Quotation Marks Sign of the Day (in Comic Sans!).

(click image, via)
So, what do you think they "really" sell in this store?
• Bikini waxes?
• Maybe merkins?
• Meth?
• Drapes?
•Comic Sans signs?
Your stupid guesses are welcome.
Related: the most inappropriate use of Comic Sans ever.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

One of these Time magazine covers is not like the others.

Covers for this week's issue.
Because, Amarekins don't care none fur furenors.
How fucking sad our country full of moronic isolationist dipshits is.
Also, Fuck you, Time.
Previous Time covers: Dead GaddafiDead bin Laden.

WTF Pic of the Day: Meet the "Melonator"

Yes, the Internet has a new Boss.
Previous WTF Pic of the Day.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Fun Ad Flashback: Hot Wheels 2006.

(click ads, via)
They're not the best Hot Wheels ads I've ever seen (that would be this big awesome ambient installation via Colombia), but they are fun, and I hadn't seen them before. They're the rare engaging print ads that smartly create motion in your mind. Plus, I have a soft spot for Hot Wheels—my favorite childhood toy. Ad agency: Ogilvy, Toronto.

Occupy Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

(click image, via)
This meme will not die until the cops run out of pepper spray. He's nailing mostly privileged Liberals and their kids, so proper targeting. Previously: Occupy Springfield!

This accidental optical illusion will blow your mind.

(Click photo, via)
You see it. You don't see it. YOU SEE IT. YOU DON'T SEE IT. AHHHHHHHHHH!
Related: the best optical illusion ad ever, for a Hemp Store.

Update: the absolute dumbest WonderBra ad ever.

(click ad, via)
I thought this German Wonderbra ad was the dumbest ever. But this one here takes the cheesecake. It's double D dumb. I'll let the agency's press note do the heavy lifting for me:
"It is a proven fact that a Wonderbra bra is to males as a magnet is to iron. So, the print ad “Magnet” focuses on the Wonderbra logo’s special magnetic field. When taking a closer look, the reader understands that the iron fillings are actually male names. No two names are alike in this extraordinary magnetic field, and in all, more than 3.500 names have been used."
So, it took them 67 words to explain this idiotic puzzle of a big titty ad. Ad agency: XL, Athens, Greece. Here's three previous subtle WonderBra ads that weren't as dumb as this one.

Dead Gaddafi, Hussein, Amin sell chicken.

How? In a very, very roundabout way.
South African-based chain Nando's is known for their tasteless adverts. But this new spot is just bizarre for bizarreness's sake. We see sad Robert Mugabe setting up the dinner table reminiscing about the good old evil days: super-soaker fights with Gaddafi; sand angels with Saddam; swing set moments with South Africa's PW Botha; tank sailing with Idi Amin. Very funny scenes. Very forced sell.
Ad agency: Black River F.C., Johannesburg.

Save $16 this Black Friday: Buy your white girl the black family dollhouse.

(click image, via Amazon, via)
Not only will you save money, Mom, but little Suzie will get a head start on her diversity training. Previously in WTF Amazon: 55-gallon drum of lube—$1,495.00.

Beer brand asks men if they're spending too much time with their wives.

(click ads, via)
Here you have the latest Australian piss-take on the age-old "Man Up" strategy for selling beer; previously, Victoria Bitter and Barons employed it by slamming that pathetically easy target, the Metrosexual.
Now Carlton is out with a more misogynistic take on the strategy. You have a choice, married males: go home, and lose some more of your manly identity, or stay out and get more shtfaced with your mates. Well, when you put it like that! And what a nice secondary message the campaign is sending over the shoulder of married men to single men—keep drinking and don't EVER enter this world of hell. Nice photo shoots, though. Ad agency: Clemenger BBDO, Melbourne.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Turkey Photo of the Day.

Many, many apologies to Vietnam vets. (We got our own 'nam vet horror stories in my family.) Note: we're about to head out to Tucson's best vegetarian restaurant, run by Hare Krishnas, for some tofurkey.

No competition: the most brilliant Thanksgiving day ad ever.

(click image) Back in November of 2007, Fage, "the ridiculously thick yogurt",  erected this Tweety Bird balloon billboard the night before the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Absolutely fucking brilliant. One of the most perfect ad things ever. EVER! Video below. In 2009 Fage placed a nearly as brilliant ad in an issue of the New Yorker. Agency: Ogilvy, NYC.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Sexxxy women, here's two sexxxy boy-toy sex toy ads for your pleasure.

(click ads, via) Oh yeah, ladies. Your man won't go downtown on you? Japi-Jane's little man sex toys will go down and in—way in, and do it with a little man smile. Look at that hot little Chilean stud and his mini-six pack. Don't worry about what he's packing in his mini briefs, because you're using every inch of his man love, head to tiny toes. (I'm assuming that these are not metaphorical visuals.)
In their last campaign, Japi-Jane rather inappropriately used children's toys with extra long phallic noses. Ad agency: TBWA Frederick, Santiago, Chile.
More sex toy ads here, sexy ladies.

Occupy Springfield!

(click image, via Photoshopist)
"I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn." Previously in The Simpsons: • a very disturbing Simpsons family portrait • Meet the Angolan Simpsons (print ad) • And, the Homer Escalator is EPIC.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Jesus miraculously appears on the butt of a Pug.

(click image, via)
Christ, what an asshole.
Not 'shopped at all, I bet.
Speaking of Dogs and Jesus Christ...
Previously: Jesus appears on Walmart receipt.

Vodka billboard makes fun of cheap-ass Jews.

(click billboard, via Gawker)
Polish brand Wodka has been advertising their swill on this particular West Side Highway billboard here in Manhattan for months. (I've seen another execution that read: Escort Quality. Hooker Pricing.)
But now, right on edge of the chosen people's chosen NYC neighborhood, Wodka has maybe stepped over the ol' antisemitic line. Jews, what say youz?
Related: five recent awful vodka ad campaigns.

Wild Turkey's terrible "middle finger" video.

Fuck You Finger-vertising. Ugh. Bad punny concept. Stupid spot. Yes, let's all start ordering our bourbon rocks (my favorite drink, btw) by giving bartenders the fucking finger—especially in biker bars. This movement is sure to take off. Dipshits. And boy, that bar—and its patrons—looks like it's fucking fun as fuck.
Related: If this were the last bourbon brand on earth, I would not drink it.

Copywriters! Let's critique this long copy beer ad.

(click ad, via)
For Coopers "62" pilsner. Loyal copyranter lemmings will note that I recently went off ALL CAPS on a lazy-headline ad for Coopers sparkling ale (different agency). Now, I'm beginning to think it's maybe the client, not the agencies. Because they had 62 chances to be clever/funny/MILDLY INTERESTING (sorry) here. And this is what they went with? These pedestrian, unimaginative reasons? Please tell me it was the client, Colman Rasic (the Sydney ad agency that produced this). Tell me I'm wrong, commenters who hate me.

The most EPIC dog video ever.

update: the dog's name is FENTON (proof).
(In Richmond Park, London)
Previous funny puppy videos: one, two.

DICKVERTISING, via Australia.

(click ad, via)
Underwear for the Ultimate Tool.
Tradie is Aussie slang for blue-collar worker, and Tradie® makes skivvies specifically not for the noodle-armed Aussie Metrosexual—so they're probably all wearing them under their skinny jeans. Maybe it's the angle, but it don't look like there's much of a tool there. I suggest he instead don a pair of these package-plumping Unno briefs. More men's underwear ads here.
Ad agency: Wilson Everard.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Here you'll see a funny ad for a sushi restaurant.

(click ad, via)
Of course, if you can't do a funny/good ad for a sushi restaurant, you need to switch your focus and become an anus-sucking account executive right now. I don't know which Fujiya location this is for. Previously: the craziest sushi commercial ever, via Japan, of course.

Cisco's stupid "Braveheart" parody commercial.

...and then, the maidens of the company grabbed the noodle-armed insurgent and strapped him to his desk, disemboweled him, and chopped his fucking head off as he screamed CISSSSSSSSCOOOO... Ad agency: Coakley Heagerty, San Jose. Previously: Cisco saves humanity (nsfw) • Cisco kids.

Hey copyranter! What are TITS selling today?

(click poster)
Shaving gel.  Ads are currently plastered all over Paris, according to tipster Timur. Translation: "Enjoy The Comfort." Add it to the TIT pile.