Link Haze, 5/31/11.

• gif of the day.
• Grain Wars (above).
• NYC street art of the day: QRST.
• Barack says: back off Rapey le Pew.
• Middle-aged real adults by R. Crumb.
• Mascara ad can't answer its own question truthfully.
• Kraft trying to force Hispanics to drink the Kool-Aid.
• Cat Videos of the Day: cat rolls over; and shell game cat.

Blasphemous Jesus-Mocking Ad of the Week.

(click ad, via) Via Germany for Tröller bread, "really good bread." Jerk Jesus says: "What? you got four other loaves and two fishes. Go get drunk on water-wine, and let me eat in peace. Christ." Previous blasphemous ads:
• Hell Pizza.
• Dulcolax.
• Bob's Burgers.
• Makrofix adhesive.

Does a close-up photo of gray ear hairs make you want to buy a Volkswagen?

(click ad, via) While I do appreciate the complete lack of a product shot in this VW Touran ad via DDB Stockholm, Sweden, I do not appreciate anything else about it. There're—I'd estimate—about a kabillion other better ways to visualize "roomy." Come on ad people, this is Volkswagen. Lemon? The guy who drives the snowplow? This great 1969 ad?
Previously in VW ads I have not liked at all:
• Creepy (via Italy).
• Sexist (via Lebanon).
• Hackneyed (via Spain)
• Racist (via South Africa).

Iraqi air conditioner commercial.

Living in fridges, just like Homer Simpson. Looks like good ol Amurican Caplism is taking hold there. Mission Accomplished. Thanks to whoever sent this to me.

New Durex Condoms Ad Tastefully Addresses the German Cucumber E. Coli Outbreak.

(click ad via) Loose translation: "Girls, give EHEC no chance." At least 14 people have been killed by the recent bacterial outbreak, which has been traced to cucumbers from Spain. Nothing unseemly here, just filling a temporary market hole.
Previously: Durex mocks premature ejaculators. Related: Durex ad archive.

Naomi Campbell calls Cadbury's Naomi Campbell ad racist.

(click ad) This week's race-related "overreaction" comes via—not copyranter—but the angriest supermodel to ever hurl a Blackberry. Said Campbell: "I am shocked. It's upsetting to be described as chocolate, not just for me, but for all black women and black people." Cadbury, however, has refused to pull the ad and Campbell said she is considering "every option available." C'mon Nay-Nay: I bet your Russian billionaire boyfriend, in a blissful postcoital moment, has called you "dreamy chocolate truffle" (in Russian) before. Anyway, Cadbury could have meant Watts, Klein, or Judd, right? Note: are those blood diamonds? Thanks for the tip, John. Related: Naomi tortures/comforts Russian mobster in Interview photoshoot (nsfw).

Drunk Amputee Octopus Wants to Fight You.

(click image, via reddit)
Previously: Drunk Octopus in Brooklyn Bar
Wants to Fight You.

Just a painting of Bill Clinton as a centaur, playing the sax, with Monica Lewinsky riding him.

(click image) Before you gallivant away on your holiday weekend (Americans), gaze upon this wondrous piece of artwork which hangs in Sax, a new upscale D.C. eatery. There's also one of Obama smoking a blunt. There was also one of Clarence Thomas with the scales of justice balanced on his erect cock, but that one has since been painted over. Artist: Balage Balogh. By the way, I have to write a boring-as-piss brochure this weekend. I think I'll stab myself in the leg on Monday to semi-honor our dead troops. Related: Axe turns Hillary Clinton into an Obama supporter.

Watch a video with Scarlett Johansson in a KKK robe.

(via Work That Matters) Expert digital skillz shown by the Christian Defense Coalition is this "Klanned Parenthood" retooling of ScarJo's recent PSA. Here's their level-headed press release about Planned Parenthood's KKK roots.
Related: previous KKK references in ads. Related: Hitler-tising round-up.

Razor Scooter "viral" video is unbelievably stupid.

(via) Fake. Stupid. Pointless. Boring. Stupid. German. Idiotic. Who cares? Sells Razors how? Stupid. 31 dislikes, 1 like. zzzzz. Stupid. Ad agency: unknown. For more "viral" videos, ranging from stupid to mildly smart, go here and here.

Israeli-Palestinian conflict as plain as the yarmulke on his head.

(click ad, via) Millward Brown is a worldwide marketing research company based in New York City. They're big on charts. Really big. This ad was produced for their Brazilian office by Y&R, Brazil. Not sure where all it's running; probably not in Israel. From the agency press note:
"Any theme, even the toughest to deal with or to understand, can be translated and explained through a graph. This is the concept that drives the new campaign created for the Millward Brown Brazil ad hoc research institute."
President Obama could've used a big blow up of this ad for his State Department speech last week.
Previously: Israeli cell phone company solves West Bank crisis with a soccer ball.

Sex Toys Friday: The Chinese Decapitated Head Fleshlight (sorta nsfw).

(click images) The annual Shanghai Sex Expo was in March. This booth was catering to...Chinese men with a neck-fucking fetish? Is that an ear-fucking sex toy? What is that thing directly to the left of the Fuck Head? What the fuck is going on here? Can somebody please translate? Thanks to Caspar for the tip.
Previously:
• Some disturbing sex toy ads.
• The Chinese sperm retrieval machine.
• NYC Museum of Sex—Sex Machines Exhibit.
• Gilbert Gottfried's imagined radio spot for the Fleshlight.

NAILED IT, as they say.

(via reddit)
Note: either giraffes decompose very quickly, or those other two chowed on the carcass.

Dog Ass-Sniffing Ad of the Week.

(click ad, via) Lift the tail. LIFT IT.
Don't buy, go adopt a dog/cat.
Ad agency: Eigen Fabrikaat, The Netherlands.
Previously in: cute dog ads.
Previously in: cute cat ads.

Plumber Advertising Hall of Fame.

(click image, via)
For Hydro Active Plumbing of South Africa.
Thanks Vinnie for the tip.
Related: a shit-vertising roundup.

The Ostrich Pillow. Or, how to suffocate/get the shit beat out of you at the office.

(click images) From the designer's website:
"OSTRICH offers a micro environment in which to take a warm and comfortable power nap at ease. It is neither a pillow nor a cushion, nor a bed, nor a garment, but a bit of each at the same time. Its soothing cave-like interior shelters and isolates our head and hands (mind, senses and body) for a few minutes, without needing to leave our desk."
There is apparently no irony here and sorry, it's not for resale.
(via several places on the Internet).
Previously in Questionable Product of the Week:
• Fetus soap.
• Stress-reducing dog food.
• The Sperm Retrieval Machine via China.
• The Tuggie—the fuzzy sock that warms your cock.

Art Directors Gone WILD—#7.

(click ads, via) Subs made of words! Words right from the creative brief! Not very readable or seaworthy, those subs! Run stupid, run deep! Ad agency: GPY&R, Melbourne, Australia. Related: Kiwi army looking for a few good Tetris players.
Related: Das Boot gets Banged. Previously in: Art Directors Gone WILD!

Link Haze, 5/25/11.

(image via)
• gif of the day (via).
• Dov Charney's penis.
• Chewbacca bento box.
• Brooklyn street art, one two.
• Pun Hall of Fame: I pity the stool.
• Picasso's sketch of his Dachshund.
• Behind the scenes of that powerful Irish child cruelty spot.
• Videos of the Day: old man with gun gets on bus in Russia; and Maruuu!

Best or Worst Light Beer Commercial Ever Made?

From last year, the runner-up in the Big Rock Brewery (of Calgary) "Eddies" amateur commercial contest. Sorry, but it blows (heh) away the winner. Bud and Miller dream of being this tasteless (which would match their beers). Thanks to Marc for the tip. Related: the most horribly sexist beer commercial ever made.

Homoerotic vintage men's underwear ad of the week.

(click ad from 1952, via)
"Why are you staring at my comfort pouch, Rick?"
"I was just wondering if you have it tucked in, Steve."
Previously in: homoerotic vintage ads.

VW's edible road print ad. Yes, you can eat it.

(click image, via) Ingredients, according to the agency press note: glutinous rice flour, water, salt, propylene glycol, FD&C colour, glycerine. Yeah, no. If I die/get violently ill, is VW liable? Placed in April's Auto Trader magazine. Ad agency: Ogilvy, Cape Town, South Africa. Related: BMW's new car smell print ad.

J.R. Ewing shot by Qantas.

(click image, via) Dallas stars Larry Hagman and Linda Gray are brought back from the dead (seriously, look at that combo plastic/digital surgery—they look like zombies) in this new poster campaign promoting Qantas's new direct flight to the Big D. Work is work, right Lar? Ad agency: M&C Saatchi, Sydney, Australia.
Related: Economist "Who shot J.R.?" billboard mocks Texans' intelligence.

Vampire Justin Bieber has implied air-sex.

Yes, "Someday" Justin, you'll have sex with a grown woman. Jesus, I'm old.
Ad agency: HOWL Group, according to Agency Spy. 
Previously in: pretentious sexual fragrance ads (nsfw).

New Post-it® ads: Smart? Or, too smart?

(click ads, via) You have to think, which is good sometimes. But maybe these make you think too much, and you're confused. The doctor one is easier to get. But the first execution is not as clear, and kinda creepy, stalkerish. The layouts look nice. Your call, expert industry readers. Ad agency: Grey, São Paulo, Brazil.
Previously: Post-it® erects shameless Will & Kate billboard in London.

I'm busy being an ad guy today, so here's something that will really piss you off.

(via) HA.

McDonald's ad via Finland is today's WHAT?!?

(click, via) I am udderly perplexed by this visual. Is that a teats peace sign? Why not a Devil hand? What the FUCK is going on here? Ad agency: DDB, Helsinki. Previously in WHAT?!?: one • two • three.

New Chevy commercial made me puke red, white, and blue.

Yes, let's keep exploiting our traumatized soldiers to sell cars, airfare, etc. Fuck you, GM. What, big brother couldn't just show him how to salute? No, that would have spoiled the fake drama. What contrived malarkey. Previously: Chevy Camaro Super Bowl spot takes you deep into the minds of creative douchebags.

Link Haze, 5/23/11.

• Nice wall art.
• PSA of the day.
• Bear in a jacuzzi.
• cute gif of the day.
• Crosby Street, NYC.
• the dullest blog in the world.
• Obama in Brazil (above), via.
• This guy is just asking for vandalism.
• Russian female bodybuilders (some nsfw).
• Marlboro places video ad in Russian Playboy.
• RIP Randy Savage, one of the best pitchmen of all time.
• Onion article of the week (which many right wing idiots thought was real).
• Videos of the Day: Curb Your Enthusiasm NYC trailer (yay!); and a live update from our stupid reporter in the field.

Dove body wash turns Black Women into Latino Women into White Women.

(click ad) At least, that's what one could possibly infer by the left-to-right before and after progression in this ad for Dove VisibleCare. This is so stupid, I'm thinking it's got to be a fake Photoshop ad. But it doesn't look like it. Thanks to Amelia for the tip. Previously in: Intentionally racist skin whitening ads.
update: someone else posted about this.
update #2: the ad is real.
update #3: shit-talkers, read the post. I don't say the ad is racist. I don't think the ad is racist. It's just a stupid layout. 

Stripping Fat Man Billboard Wins Gold CLIO.

(click images, via) In the Out Of Home category, awards given out last Thursday here in NYC. For Interbest Outdoor in The Netherlands. Ad agency: Y&R Not Just Film, Amsterdam. Yes, the space was bought before locals got the Full Monty.
Related: World's largest upskirt billboard, via Israel.
Related: this CLIO awards ad is the most depressing thing ever.

Anti-Heroin billboard doubles as Anti-Crack billboard.

(click image, via) This may make Ohio addicts pause for about 2 seconds before shooting up again. In other words, it's more successful than most anti-drug ads. Previously: the controversial, graphic, stupid Montana Meth billboards.

(nsfw) The latest from American Apparel's Crack Ad Team. A new jeans logo! (and tits, obvs)

(click ads) Look at that fancy logo—it's dressed in blue! I don't get the "A" though. No matter, next stop: design hall of fame. And of course, there's happy-faced "Candice." Tops would've distracted from the product, right Mr. pants-optional CEO? Nipples don't though, of course. Topless pants adverts are a new thing at AA, as seen in this pleated pants ad (nsfw) and this riding pants ad (nsfw).

Barack Obama head cremation urn, $2,600.

(click images) This appears to not be a joke. An online company called Cremation Solutions (based in Arlington, Vermont) is offering head urns in any likeness you'd like. Your own. Jesus. That hot chick you didn't get to bang in high school. Even the 44th President of the United States. From their website:
"Personal Cremation Urns are the latest in custom personalized cremation urns. They are created from one or two photographs with exceptional attention to details. With advances in facial analysis and the advent of state of the art 3D imaging, these high tech urns can be made to look like anyone. The full sized personal urn can hold all the ashes of an adult. For holding just a portion of the ashes, we recommend the keepsake sized personal urns. The personal urn does not come with hair. For hair we can digitally add hair if you wish, or wigs can be used." Newt Gingrich's head could hold three adults.
Why are they using Obama as their example? Maybe they love him, maybe they want him dead. Write them and ask, if you want (thanks to Catherine for the tip).
Previously in novelty Urns: Urnie Banks?
Related: 2011 Coffin Cuties Necrophilia Calendar (nsfw).

Google Ads: The Maggots of the Internet.

(click image, via reddit)
Good one, evil Google-bot.
Previously in: contextual ad funnies.

Ironic marketing blunder history: OREO Barbie.

(click image, via reddit) From 1997. Read more about it on Wikipedia, fifth bullet down. I can't believe nobody from Nabisco or Mattel raised their hand in a meeting and said something. Related: In 1967: Mattel introduced Negro Francie, who was just a white Barbie mold darkened. Related: The nudie Barbie Matchbox calendar.

It's started! Jesus spotted near UN building in NYC!

(click image) JESUS, he's tall. Looks like yet another Jehovah Witness Watchtower pamphlet, which are often left on subway seats. I hadn't seen this one before; it was spotted on Thursday. Hey, the J-Dubs are all about THE END IS NEAR. I guess he's trying to knock some sense into the world?
Via Joe Schumacher's flickr.

Get your Rapture Jetpack, only $50,000.

(click image) Comes in cat sizes too! The phone number is a cellphone in Wisconsin. I didn't call it. Snapped in Chicago (thanks Vinnie). Previously: Rapture-ready Dachshund.

Here's a Dachshund wearing chain-mail...

(click photo, via)...because I want my last post before The Rapture to be EPIC. They say that all dogs go to Heaven, and this little prince is perfectly dressed for it. Hope to see you Monday, still down here on Earth with the rest of the heathens. Related: two of the cutest dog ads ever (one, two).

United Airlines Ground Zero ad: "You're going to like where we land" (oops).

(click image) Ho-boy, did this subway entrance poster, placed right across the street from Ground Zero, piss off some New Yorkers. As of today, it has been removed. Just to refresh your nightmares, it was United Airlines flight 175 that terrorists "landed" into the south tower of the World Trade Center, an event I watched live from Hoboken. A United Airlines spokesman said the airline was not aware of the ad's placement (via NBC New York, with video). Related: 1979 Pakistan Airlines ad shows plane flying "into" the World Trade Center.

Where to get your Bin Laden tattoo killed.

(click ad, via) No, this is not another case of Osama deathsploitation advertising—this ad for Precision Laser tattoo removal of Toronto was produced in March. But, ha, the laser sighting on OBL's forehead was quite prophetic—what did you know, Canada? I wonder if Navy Seal Team Six used guns with laser sightings on that mission? I also wonder who, besides a very drunk frat dude, would get a Bin Laden tattoo—and then want to get it removed?
Ad agency: Maclaren McCann, Canada.

Japanese Squeezable Stress Boobs Vending Machine.

(click image, via) At least, I think it's a vending machine. I do know that they are stress boobs because I have two of them on my desk—they were given to me as a birthday present by a former art director partner. Happy Friday. Related: Japanese pudding packaging is literally The Tits!

Neo-Nazi Russian Olympics Billboards?

(click images) The Olympic-themed Moscow boards are actually for Gorky Gorod, a luxury housing complex near Sochi, site of the 2014 Winter Games. Some locals are none too pleased with the "neo-Hitlerite," "fascist" blond-haired blue-eyed imagery that's "like something from a Leni Riefenstahl film."
I'm sure swarthy-skinned Joseph Stalin would have been appalled. The billboards were created by Doping-Pong, a St. Petersburg design firm that uses a *ahem* Swastika as one of its online banners. Dmitry Leshchinsky, creative director of the firm, had this to say about the project:
"Any association with fascism is very unpleasant to us, and the opinions and methods of several 'critics' provoke exactly those kinds of associations. The publishing of disgusting labels and the promotion of 'pasquinades' in the media; destroying and pouring dirt on everything that stands out, even by the smallest margin, from the grey mass of advertising: that is real fascism, in my opinion."
Read the Guardian piece for more choice quotes. Second image via Animal NY.

copyranter named 50th(?) most influential blogger by Brand Republic.

FIFTIETH (link)? Fuck you, you clueless limey cunts. I had an ad column on Gawker (Lies Well Disguised) for over a year. Slate lauded me. Mediaite lauded me. npr sought out my opinion on Osama Bin Laden in ads recently. Put a blank piece of paper and an ad assignment in front of Seth Fucking Godin, and the only thing he'll come up with is drool and drivel. No, but seriously, congrats to the 49 OTHERS WHO ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME.

D&AD Awards to give out pathetic "pencil slices."

(click image) Oh what a crackingly brilliant move by the Brits to appeal to the immensely insecure ad creatives of the world (all of them). Not good enough to win a prestigious "Pencil"? Well, now your insulting honorable mentions are being augmented by cutesy pencil slices. Stack 'em high, never-good-enough guy! How bout you also give shavings to the losers? This is immeasurably sad (via). Related:
five pathetic ad awards ads.

Male photo nerds? This video will get you hard.

Female photo nerds? Sorry, you weren't invited to the "Battle at F-Stop Ridge." The video was done in-house by The Camera Store, and it looks like it— they had an idea and mostly ruined it with amateurish casting and cheap production. Next time, spend the money on people who know what they're doing. Re: the lack of women in the video—not surprising, since camera ads are often sleazily sexist.

The real toy soldiers of the "War on Terror."

(click image) All these army guys are as completely useless as the minesweeper for my next big bedroom battle. Hey homeless GI? Where's your weapon? At least domestic abuse Private is fighting. Suicide soldier—what is your major malfunction? Work by design collective Dorothy. Read/see more about it here—the statistics are frightening. Previously: bizarre toy soldiers used in recruitment ads by New Zealand army.

New Benadryl ads look like scenes from "The Shining"

(click ads/images, via adfreak) Headline: "Allergies can attack at any time." So, both Sunflower Ghoul and Pollen Gargoyle are holding sticks? Which they will now use to—beat me to death? Tone's a bit on the heavy side maybe, Johnson & Johnson? There's also of course a creepy cat mask lady. Ad agency: JWT London.
Previously in: Creepy As Hell Ad Watch.