Link Haze, 1/30/09.

• Shit on a mattress: art? (link)
• Fur coat street installation: art? (link)
• 100+ years later, Heinz finally puts a fucking tomato on their bottle. (link)
• Holland Bar near Port Authority, one of the truly good bad watering holes, is coming back. Won't be the same though. (link)
• It's the seven-fingered baby. (link)
• Somebody please explain these clothes to me. (link)
• Here's Ray-Ban's 3 latest "viral" videos. Which one sucks dog dick most? (link)
• Little Erika Wennerstrom of Cincinnati's Heartless Bastards can fucking belt it, can't she? Here's The Will Song, a tune that'll rock the dirt from underneath your fingernails (I wrote shitty concert reviews in a previous journalism life.).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Worldwide Obama Ad Exploitation Tour continues...

Next stops: Tel Aviv and Mexico City. (link)

Happy 40th, Dov Charney.

As you can see (click image), tomorrow is the 40th birthday of American Apparel's pants-optional CEO. What're you up to today, Lovy Dovy? Getting your dick licked through cotton? Restocking your dildo humidor? Perhaps, reading over those pesky emails the SEC is investigating? Whatever you do, understand this: this is your last day as a dirty perv. When the clock strikes midnight, you officially become a dirty old perv.
Welcome to the demographic.

copyranter on COILHOUSE: MTV'S staying-alive.org

AIDS awareness TV. There is no more relished creative opportunity in the ad biz. Best not fuck it up. This agency fucked it up. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: UNICEF anti-landmine awareness.

Landmines. They blow off legs. They're hard to spot. UNICEF made people aware of these two facts with a couple of unconventional trade booth promos. (link)

Today in, "Shut-up Kenneth Cole."

(click image) heeeeellllling...give a shiiiippppp. The punnyman has proven, again and again, that he'll usurp any news story for commercial gain. And he's proven, again and again, that he is The Worst Copywriter In The History Of Advertising.™ (snapped on Houston St.)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: now these are bad ads.

If you're going to be the millionth advertiser to use superheros in your ads, there better be a good reason. And legal clearance! (link)

Israeli bookstore chain shoves your unhealthy digital addiction in your face.

(click ad) Line reads: "Disconnect for a while. Read a book." Go ahead, Mark Zuckerberg. Sue them. That would be great publicity for your productivity-zapping social network. While certainly not a great ad by Tzomet Sfarim, the largest bookstore chain in Israel, it's at least less offensive then their previous print effort which none-too-subtly slammed stupid blonde bimbos. Btw: befriend copyranter on facebook! (image via)

Ladies—what do think of these Men's Health Magazine ads?

(click ads) The ads are for the German edition of Men's Health, and the translated line reads "It's All About Men." While it's certainly not clear, the message of the campaign appears to be "that's right aging babes, keep exercising you little patooties off...for us men." I'll abstain from a lengthy discussion over the shitty art direction and photography, and get right to the social implications: merely sexist or misogynistic? (images via) Previously in sexist ads. Previously in misogynistic ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: rejected PETA Super Bowl spot.

Last year, it was FOX rejecting zombie Colonel Sanders spots. This year, NBC refused to run this soft porn vegetarian commercial. This is, of course, what PETA planned. (link)

Branding.

(click image) And this time, the assvertising is not Photoshopped. Dutch ad agency New Message created a branded spanking paddle for Massad, The Netherlands' leading S&M magazine. According to Agency Spy, that's Dutch porn actress Sofia Valentine wielding the sadistic pain delivery tool, which has "Massad the S&M Magazine" (in Dutch) cut out of the paddle. Thus, when Mistress Sofia spanks a submissive, his/her hiney then belongs to the publication and he/she becomes a Massad brand ambASSador (sorry). Perfectly targeted assvertising.
Previously in Assvertising.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: The Sploogenheim Museum?

It's part of Stereo Hell's latest bombastic, entertaining art/design project. (link)

Antacid powder ad visuals look like corpses covered with lime.

(click ads) These are a couple of months old, but disgusting. Decaying bodies covered in lime—in, say, a mass grave in Vietnam or Bosnia is an image you do not want associated with your antacid, GlaxoSmithKline. On the other hand maybe the ads are ingenious, in that they create an immediate need for the advertised product? (campaign by Grey Hong Kong) Previously in unappetizing indigestion relief ads. Related: my beano jingle.

Two's a trend: naked couples in fancy furniture ads.

(click ads) Both scanned from the "Avante Guardian" issue of Surface. Left, Rahli custom furniture. Right, emeco aluminum chairs. Previously in sex & furniture. Previously in overpriced "punk-inspired" furniture.

Link Haze, 1/23/09.

• The crack vial is the new polo player. (link)
• Uh...huh-huh. (link)
• The digitized youth of America does not live for the moment. (link)
• Got a question? Ask the bathroom wall. (link)
• Streetwalker-vertising. (link)
• The Unfunhouse. (link)
• OK, you want something I like? This is a farking excellent commercial. (link)
• thanks to Georgina for the video.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ad Creep Update...

...sewer grates. (link)

Roe v. Wade v. Clarins.

(click image) The 36th anniversary of the landmark decision was yesterday. So a big bravo goes out to French cosmetics company Clarins for the timing of this gift promotion found on Sears.ca by reader Aimee Ouellette. Viva la crassness! Previously in marketing to women.

copyranter on COILHOUSE: Pattex Glue's semen sculptures

See Ejaculate Elvis! Man-juice Marilyn! Truly disgusting. (link)

First Bullshit Product of 2009: Men's Tissues.

(click ads) What the fucking hell are "men's tissues?" Are they specifically yet surreptitiously for masturbation? Do they smell like leather? OK, I see, they're "3-ply." I call that a "paper towel." And how's about the inane cliché ads? Pam Anderson and beer? Are all the men in South Africa (the campaign is by TBWA\Hunt\Lascaris in Johannesburg) stupid mooky troglodytes like the chap pictured? (images via) Previously in marketing to men: diamond ads; men's magazine ads; sexist ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Bayer Aspirin.

The 3rd largest pharmaceutical company in the world says the common cold is what killed off the dinosaurs. (link)

A trillion bucks would buy a lot of Hamburger Helper.

(click ad) Yeah, but have you checked the price of meat lately? You want some seriously cheap financial bailout packages? National Wholesale Liquidators here in NYC, currently holding a going out of business rakes/douche/pussy wax sale, is selling their remaining supply of Ramen instant noodles for half price—16 fucking cents per pack. That's a nutritious, delicious, and judicious meal, General motherfuckin' Mills (via Cossette Communications in Toronto). Previously in cheap, disgusting foodstuffs.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Lego.

Sex, drugs, violence, and...Lego? (link)

"The V-Dub's been drinking, not me."

(click image) Keep your eyes on the road, booze-hund! In Germany, birthplace of the Volkswagen Beetle and enormous beer steins, the Federal Ministry of Transport, Building and Housing recently wanted to raise drunk-driving awareness. So, Berlin ad agency Schloz & Friends created bloodshot googly-eye hub caps for a fleet of Beetles, which were then driven around alcohol-fueled public events. Pretty funny, especially for a government initiative (image via). Previously in anti-drunk driving promos. Previously in VW Beetle advertising.

"Welcome...to Oopsy Daisy Island!"

"Grimaces everyone...grimaces!"
Print ad (click it) supposedly published last month for Vanish-Ink, a laser tattoo removal business located in Charlotte, NC. For you youngsters, Fantasy Island was a corny TV series that starred Ricardo Montalban (right) as Mr. Roarke and Hervé Villechaize (removed) as Tattoo. The two would stand side-by-side (with Tattoo screaming "Da plane, da plane!") waiting for that week's guest stars to disembark from a seaplane. Already a tasteless ad because of Villechaize's 1993 suicide, what makes this ad more macabre is of course the passing of Montalban last week. The responsible agency is Charlotte's MarkedForTrade, who call themselves a "branding group," but whose website is under construction, or down, or nonexistent (image via). Previously in ads with tattoos in them: 1, 2, 3. Related: the tattoo sleeve is one of the stupidest things ever conceived.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Philips Unplugs W.

Finally, an advertiser bypasses exploiting Obama, instead bashing Bush. Is it a great ad? No. But it is a great day. (link)

mini Link Haze, 1/19/09.

• Two products we could probably all make-do without: the Tiffany $1,500 sterling silver tennis ball can; and the Louis Vuitton $8,350 skateboard.
• Also, an $8.890 watch...though this is an honest reason to buy.
• "BWAHAHA!" is overused in blogging, but this is truly BWAHAHA!
• "Manchines."
• Fearing a lightning bolt from the sky, a London bus driver has refused to drive one of the atheist ad buses.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Boinking Balloon Bunnies.

All the big ad blogs covered this new cute Durex condom video this week. None of them pointed out where the idea came from. (link)

Bud's terrible 'us too' Obama ad.

Alternate bad pun post headline: Bud "hops" on 'Bama bandwagon. (click ad) Budweiser American Ale—"try a little change." How 'bout you try a little original thought, Bud? Instead of lamely lampreying your new bullshit brew onto Obama's already over-exploited ass (scanned from the back of this week's Time Out NY). Previously in products lazily exploiting politicians; previously in shitty Bud ads; previously in ad puns almost never work.

copyranter on COILHOUSE: the strangest candy commercial ever produced.

And, maybe the worst. I think Mars has lost its marbles. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Global Warming Awareness

Your A/C unit is a part of the problem, literally, with this billboard on the side of a high-rise in Santiago, Chile. (link)

Australian beer brand attacks already dead metrosexual—one of whom looks an awful lot like Tom Cruise...

(click ads to read copy)
Admittedly, the casting and photography are good, and the copy is creative enough. But this "save the males" anti-metrosexual print campaign via Australian beer Barons is an idea who's time has come and gone (the accompany video has been online for a couple of months). Five years ago, I would have said 'decent approach.' But scores of brands in that time—from deodorants to autos—have beaten the de-balled male stereotype to death. And what's with Karl (lower right), the Cruise dopplegänger (actually, vice-versa)? (images via) Previously in: metrosexuals in advertising. Previously in: outdated sexist beer ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: more ad creepage.

This time, it's chopsticks and lamp posts. (link)

DDB Canada brands itself with mismatched boobs.

(click image) Asked by the National Advertising Benevolent Society to submit a monthly page for its 2009 swimsuit calendar(?), the Vancouver office of Doyle Dane Bernbach came up with this Photoshopped woman featuring a DD-cup boob and a B-cup boob (looks more like a C). Not surprisingly, the creative team was all male. You stay benevolent, Great White North ad guys. Previously in bad agency self-promos: one, two.

I'm busy...

...so here's an athletic supporter ad from a 1915 issue of Rod & Gun magazine (snicker). This is definitely the jock for the GeezerJock. (image via)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: HUMO magazine.

Here's some juvenile, MAD-level humor posters featuring Bush, bin Laden and Hitler, promoting a Belgian satire publication. Look at them, and laugh like an immature child. (link)

Beetle Belly.

(click ad) Is that a V-dub in your stomach, or are you just pregnant, baby? In Lebanon recently, A new brood of Beetles was apparently only available by "special delivery." Hopefully, there weren't any breech births! Just imagine the outrage if this ad, via Impact BBDO in Lebanon, ran in the States. Since it's a German car, the Lebanese woman must be married to a foreigner—which, after a very brief look at Lebanese marriage laws, could mean all kinds of problems for the baby Beetle. Or maybe the woman is an adulterer? In which case, her Lebanese husband could legally murder her. It's all very complicated! Previously in VW: I hate this borrowed-interest Beetle print ad! I like these Peter Stormare GTI spots!

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ray-Ban.

The trying-too-hard-to-be-cool brand is back with another of their silly viral videos. This one's pure horseshit. (link)

COPYRANTER REVEALED! SORTA!

One was taken yesterday.




























One was taken yesteryear.

Link Haze, 1/09/09.

• Morgan Freeman will bitterly eat your cotton candy. (link)
• Vice gives you an authentic taste of sponsored, synthetic NYC decadence. (link)
• Man, does Gatorade's new Spike Lee-directed spot suck. (link)
• In this Dr. Pepper ad, please tell me what the pink shit is on the model's lips/tongue. (link)
• "...wearing a Rolex Submariner and attending Rolex Benefits helped Owen Wilson realize his life was valuable and worth living." (link)
• Vincent Gallo gets posterized. (link)
• Two Photoshop disasters involving hands: German model suffers from verletzterfingersieg (link), and side effects include extreme shrinkage (link)
• Advertiser cleverly exploits Washington Post 404 page. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: MIG Investments

If you're going to advertise in this grisly bear market, you probably shouldn't put 5 bulls in your print ad. (link)

"I'm Bored...I'm Chairman Of The Bored..."

Punk died for umpteenth time this week, as Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton was found dead, and Stooges singer Iggy Pop was found dancing in a UK insurance commercial. Me, I would have put him in one of his John Varvatos suits, and shot a cross-promo.

copyranter on COILHOUSE: Amboss precision scissors.

What if bugs wore wigs? What if bugs wore hipster wigs? What if there existed a line of German scissors so well-engineered that you could give these Adam Ants haircuts? And, what if you used this scenario as your ad campaign? That would be fucking weird. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: more anti-smoking ads made from cigarettes.

These make me want to start smoking. A lot. (link)

TODAY, in print ads that don't utterly suck...

(click ads for closer look)
TOP—Print ad for Cialis, via Grey Toronto, scanned from the latest Archive. Yes, not a great ad, but certainly much better than the flaccid dick stiffener creative work produced in the States. Bottom—via GITAM/BBDO. Any bubble gum ad that doesn't include a bubble gets at least begrudging praise from me. Previously in ads I don't hate...here, here, here, and here.