It's Vintage Ad Week on copyranter: Jigger 6-proof whiskey toothpaste.

(click ad, from a 1961 House and Garden) A little toothpaste of the dog that bit ya to get that "night before feeling on the morning after." Here you go Times Square (idiots) revelers: pick up a tube today and brush your way to a hangover cure tomorrow morning. Happy fucking end to the aughts. Don't let the door hit you in the ass, douchebag decade (via New York Shitty). related: the most racist toothpaste commercial ever.

It's Vintage Ad Week on copyranter: Thor AutoMagic Combo Clothes/Dishwasher.

(click ad, via) Housewives of 1947 who dreamt of being able to wash underwear and silverware in the same machine had their fantasies realized by the imaginative engineers at Thor. Previously in: Buygone products.

It's Vintage Ad Week on copyranter: Hires 1937.

(click ad, via) It's sho nuf time fo 'nuther round of Retro Racist Ad of da Week. Previously, the maid of the house could barely contain her joy over the new GE sink the caring white folk had installed to make her job heaven. Here, the beaming servant, again speaking the language of the Coloreds as researched and reinterpreted by a slick Caucasian copywriter, serves Tom and Daisy Buchanan the real deal root juice root beer of Charles E. Hires. Yassuh!

It's Vintage Ad Week on copyranter: Broomsticks #3.

(click ad, via) Previously in the Broomsticks 1960s Gang Rape Ad Series™, the permanent press polyester pants pals played Rape Ring Around Rosie, and Shag Pillows Lisa Shag. Here, this unnamed lass appears quite unnerved by the impending dropping of four pairs of 100% Celanese® Fortrel® polyester trousers. At least, unlike what the subhead is implying, the gentlemen's broomsticks don't appear to be all that imposing.

It's Vintage Ad Week on copyranter: The S.S.S.

I'm actually on vacation in the desert land of guns and Dickman's Meat. But, I'll be posting one vintage ad a day all week just for the fuck of it. Today (click image, via): it's the Separate Sack Suspensory (S.S.S.)—"made just as nature intended" with "no scratching metal slides." Previously in: Buygone products.

Link Haze, 12/24/09.

• North Face sues South Butt.
• The terrorists beat Christmas (above).
• R.I. ad agency's X-Mas gift? Severed elf ears.
• Got hemorrhoids? Jam an X-Mas tree up your ass.
• Trident's tweet testimonial ad. Maybe the end of the false testimonial?
• Ground Zero doesn't have any buildings yet, but it's got a Subway sponsorship.
• Back Monday, but limited posting for the week.

The Pope That Stole The Grinch's Look.

Yes, I've posted this before, but I love it.
Search my X-Mas post archives here and here.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Milc.

The Italian ad agency is upset that businesses are cutting their ad budgets. So, they beheaded Santa. (link)

"I JUST TOOK A HUGE SH*T!!!"

(click ad, via) That's what I think this boy has to be yelling in this 50s ad, now that his loving mommy finally gave him some Fletcher's Castoria children's laxative. You have a better guess? Previous human laxative ads: Ducolax as Moses. And Ducolax gives you sewer-rattling bowel movements. Previous dog laxative ad: instant poop pudding dessert.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Cremica biscuits.

These messy ads, via India, are just plain disgusting. (link)

(nsfw) Lanvin 2010: bloody, booby.

(click ad, via) This past weekend, the legendary Parisian fashion house previewed its Spring/Summer 2010 ad campaign. Most of the images are typical glamour shots, excepting this one—a very not-typical looking female model nude and rocking a sort-of post-Apocalypse zombie vibe (the look is reminiscent of this creepy nsfw Loree Rodkin jewelry ad.). In 2009, "dead" models made appearances in both men's and women's fashion spreads. This could be the start of a new zombie trend for 2010. Or, it's just a one-time red body paint session. What the fuck do I know? Just so's the size-zero zombies don't start jumping or giving us the finger.

It's another pre-rape Broomsticks ad scene.

(click ad, via) Last time, the permanent press pants-wearin' gangbang guys played Rape Ring around Rosie. Today, the game is "musical pillows," where "everybody falls...for (ON) Lisa." Notes: Click the above the link, and you'll notice that these handsome, identically-dressed devils were definitely two of the Rosie rapers. Also, those pillows. But hey, "if you don't want to play our way—take off your pants and go home." The third ad in the late 60s campaign is decidedly less rapey.

Please. The Dave Schultz has gotta be a red.

(click images) It's the NHL alumni signature wine series™(?). Because nothing goes together like hockey and wine...except hockey and any other alcoholic beverage besides wine. But seriously, a Schultz Chardonnay? At least the Wendel Clark is a Merlot. The Sean Avery will definitely be a pink Zinfandel (via MTLB). Previously: hockey-related ads roundup.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: SubTalk with the MTA.

NYC's wonderfully inept transit "authority" has a new gun awareness poster up in subway stations. Can you guess which is the real gun? (link)

Is an "ironic" slutty men's fragrance ad better or worse?

(click ad, scanned from ESPN magazine) Curve for men is a 14-year-old Liz Claiborne cologne being reintroduced in recent men's pubs. The ad, art directed to look like a magazine cover, sports winking subheads: "cars, girls and girls on cars" and such (sigh). Yet, of course, it also still features the expected bosomy model, a Megan Fox doppelgänger (I'm assuming it's not her) named "Ima Vixen." You discover her stupid fake name when you go to the getcurve website, which was on the first version of this ad but is absent here for some reason and also doesn't show up when you google search "curve for men." At the site, you can view more slutty pics of "Ima," but if you make the mistake of clicking on her "likes/dislikes" tab, exactly 29 "blahs" materialize. How fucking clever. So, to answer my headline: WORSE. related: seven Axe Ads in one post.

worms wearing bibs eating your eyes with little pitchforks.

(click ad, via) Finally, another eye bank ad (the first was far more disgusting)! It's for the Bharat Eye Bank in India. It's by Chennai ad agency 1pointsize. I have nothing at all to say about it, I'm just so happy to now have two eye bank ads in my archives. Maybe you'd like to say something about it? Visually related: Eye Carumba! Eye Eye Aye! Eye Spy Racism! Dead Eye Dick! update: I have something to say! Why pitchforks? That's implying that eyeball-eating worms are evil. That's not right!

(nsfw) Cleanliness is next to Godlessness.

If I may be servicy for a sec, I found this website on the back page of last week's Village Voice. I don't accept ads on copyranter of course, but I felt these hard-working men deserved more exposure, so to speak. And, I have promoted creative local escort services in the past. Not that this is an escort service. Just maid work, I'm sure.

The lame journalism metaphors of CNN.

(click ads) Ugly ads for the international version of "America's most trusted news source" by Berlin ad agency Heimat. My first guess was that these were spec ads. But after perusing the agency's website, CNN is a client of theirs, so they may indeed be real (Heimat didn't respond to my email inquiry.). The drilling and unzipping logo treatment metaphors, in addition to being painful, are also both rather sexual. They could use a little (LOT) more sexiness in their American promos as the network now sits below MSNBC in the news channel ratings rankings. Previously in: bad journalism advertising.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: CO15 Climate Change Summit.

View a naked sculpture of a balancing Barack Obama, and other anti-American installations, from the just-completed Copenhagen conference. (link)

After Six put the "yes" in polyester.

(click ad, via) You are powerless, subservient 70s female bride, to resist the sexxxiness of his "stretch-woven fabric of 100% Dacron® polyester." We've seen the magic attraction action of Dacron® before! I see no asterisk here, so I'm assuming this was a money-back guarantee. Fuck yeah BABY! Previously in sexy 70s sexism: Smirnoff. MaGriffe. Tiparillo. Canada Dry.

Blood Money.

(click ad, via) Aussie lasses? Your ship may have finally come in—with your crimson tide! To "celebrate" their new click lock box, Libra is giving away AU$10,000 a month for five months. Also! Find a "golden tampon" (HA!), and instantly win one of 1,000 $50 gift cards! Jesus, Joseph, and bloody Mary, this is, uh, something. By Clemenger BBDO in Melbourne. Previous Tampon Advertising.

Link Haze, 12/18/09.

• Playboy Bunny manual index page.
• Ad Creep update: holeless bowling balls.
• Occasionally, the Vice writers make me laugh.
• Ad execs destroy £11.50 for every £1 they create.
• How much lipstick does a woman eat in a lifetime?
• The Rabbit/Duck Season head-to-head resumes in Williamsburg.
• Posterchild (not to be confused with Poster Boy) video abstractions.
• Client holiday lunch, still drunk. Have a nice weekend, thanks for reading.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Railway Children.

This morning, Londoners awoke to find nine abandoned baby doll Jesuses placed in mangers in high-traffic locations around the city. (link)

Retro Racist Ad of the Week—GE 1949.

(click ad, via) Why didn't you just go ahead and write "sho" Mr. old-timey Madman copywriter? Also: a top-loading dishwasher sho nuff ain't gon make slave mama's job much easier at all. Previous Retro Racist Ads of the Week: 1940—Sanka's lazy fat evil Mexican. 1930s—Ivory's "smooth as chocolate custard" porter. 1967—Barbie® meets Negro Francie. 1934—Budweiser presents Clarence the butler.

Could somebody please explain this Israeli Mazda ad to me?

(click ad, via) There's no brand name on the condom box, so it's not a bizarre cross promo. The MX-5 is a tiny auto with no backseat, so copulation is nearly impossible. And...HOW IN THE FUCK DOES SCREAMING 'USE CONDOMS!' AT ME SELL THE STUPID CAR IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER? Is it an Israeli custom to test-fuck in cars before buying them? I'm just curious, BBR Saatchi & Saatchi. This is even stranger than this snail-people MX-5 ad via UAE. update: as commenters have pointed out, Mazda is saying if you buy an MX-5, use condoms because there's no room for a baby. Thank you both for indirectly pointing out that I probably shouldn't be getting up at 5:30 every morning to write stupid blog posts before my real job.

What's next? Posh slopping the hogs for Armani?

(click image) Inspired by Italian Neorealism cinema, it's Madonna doing dishes (HaHaHaHa) as part of Dolce & Gabbana's Spring 2010 campaign shot by Steven Klein, sneak peek provided by Vanity Fair Italia. See more shots here. Previously: six-story Materializing Girl for H&M. Madonna's alleged sex life chronicled by MTV Brazil to promote safe sex.

TWEETY BIRD BINN!

Napoleon-complexed Jason Binn (real name Binstock), Advertising Hall of Achievement inductee, Prick (here's the evidence), and publisher of the worst group of magazines in the world, is twittering! As long as he keeps tweeting such twisdom, I will be following obsessively. U r admired, envied, feared, and trusted, JB. Note: sadly, he no longer reads my name before his own when he Googles himself.

The 39 kiloton exclamation point!

(click ad, via) The exclamation point—or "bang" (snicker) as it's known—is, almost always, a piece of punctuation to be avoided like radiation in advertising. Retro case in point: this 1946 Westinghouse ad! Descendants of the hundreds of thousands of innocent Japanese civilians killed during and after the droppings of Fat Man and Little Boy (combined blast yield: 39 kilotons)? Bow to lamp research scientist Dr. Harvey C. Rentschler here. There's a second uncomfortable use of the bang, bold copy, first column: "Little did they realize that their know-how would one day give America a head start in the race towards history's grimmest goal!" YAY! Previously in disastrously ironic atomic age ads: Even this cloud has a silver lining.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: The Gut Foundation.

Bowel cancer is as serious as a terrorist attack. It's a 9/11 in your ass! (link)

Unno. Men's WonderWear.

(click images, via) Via Madrid, it's a sidewalk installation complete with penis-level shattered glass (reminiscent of this Frankfurt bus poster for WonderBra) promoting package-plumping Unno anatomical underwear. That's a live model inside there sporting the fabric-enhanced wood. From experience, I can tell you it looks like he's wearing an ice hockey goalie's cup. If he doesn't put on very baggy pants, it's gonna appear like he's got a salad bowl stuffed down there. Ordering a dozen pair right now... Previously in: DickVertising.

Maybe, the best hair coloring ads I've ever seen.

(click ads, via) Not that I've spent the last 18 years paging through Glamour and Vogue. But I like the layouts and the weird but appropriate paint brush visualization. Then again, even though I did the bleach blonde look a couple of times in my brasher (way stupider) days, I'm not exactly the target audience for these ads for Wella's Koleston hair coloring line by Leo Burnett in Frankfurt, Germany. For you newcomers, yes, I do occasionally like advertising. It's rare, but it happens.

"Hip-Hop" started by nerdy Jewish kid, apparently.

(click image, via) "It's the music and dancing that started on sidewalks all around big cities." Fiddy may have the Vitamin Water sponsorship, and Jay-Z, the A River Runs Through It jacket. But Kid Yid here had the street cred, YO.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Kabbalah Vodka.

It's the latest premium brand from Russia. The bottle design features glass figurine caricatures of Christian infants picking their noses and giving the finger. (link)

Ad Creep Update: interactive abused child poster.

(click image) This is kind of the sister poster to Berlin's high tech wife-beating bus board. Drop a coin in the collection tin, get eye contact, a slight smile, and a thank you from the nice young actress (who demonstrates the poster in the short video below). It's like the Zoltar (from Big) of child abuse bus posters. It's for UK children's charity Barnardos, and sits at a bus stop on Tottenham Court Road in London. Note the CCTV warning at the top of the poster to scare away thieves. By BBH London, via. Previous high tech posters: Toronto's Green light switch poster. Knocked Up poster features live tadpoles. And Frankfurt seafood restaurant bus poster with live fish.

All you crazy Snuggie™ and Slanket® dillweeds need to settle the f*ck down right now...

(click ad, via) Welcome to 1975 and the "sleeper" gift of the season...The motherfuckin' Bundler™—"the "snuggly fashion that will make any big kid a beautiful baby all over again!" Underneath his Bundler, overheating hubby's probably wearing this Raschel knit onesie.

Your Tuesday afternoon lube ad.

(click ad, via) In addition to genital waxing ads, another of the regular copyranter beats is lubricant advertising. This one, by Prolam Y&R in Santiago, Chile, is for the Feels® brand of butt grease. Well: it's the subtlest lube ad I've ever seen; that's about the only good thing I can say about it.
Previous lube ads: Disgusting. Train wreck metaphor. Tight pussy joke. Wet fruity holes. And rabbit in a mason jar.

MTV Germany pays tribute to Michael Jackson's dead legs.

(click ad, via) Many art directors will no doubt dig this graphic MJ tribute ad by BBDO Düsseldorf for MTV Germany. But it gives me the heebie-jeebies—imagine it as a lapel ribbon. Previously in: wacko Jacko ads. Related: Levi's quickly puts their jeans on Ted Kennedy's dead legs.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: The Cli-Matrix.

What do you get when you combine Climate Change and The Matrix in one ad? Morpheus Obama, Neo Hatoyama, and Trinity Merkel. (link)

Christmas Evil: the two worst X-Mas ads ever.

(click ads, via) After an exhaustive search through every holiday-themed ad that ever ran in the history of the world, I've found the absolute awfulest. Yes she was "happier with a Hoover." Because, luckily, hubby got her a heavy one with a nice long handle so's she could deck the halls with his blood...A fucking 10-lb fucking box of fucking Prunes! Well, "friend," I hope you won't mind terribly if I mail you back my 12 shits of Christmas! Search my X-Mas Evil archives here and here.