Silver and...burny.

(click ad) They should have told that to the soon-to-be dead and dying Bikini Atoll natives! Print ad from 1954 from your "unseen friend" the International Nickel Company, who benefited from the booming atomic industry somehow, read the copy, who cares (image via). Previously in: disastrously ironic retro industrial ads.

Italian tiles sold with Geisha bondage, of course.

(click ads) It's another kinbaku kontroversy! England's sometimes puritanical Advertising Standards Authority has banned the ad (which ran in Wallpaper, among other pubs) above at left for Bisazza tiles, claiming it "...could be seen to imply that sexual violence had taken place or was about to take place." Note the hiked up kimono, also. At least she's not sporting cameltoe. The ads were shot by "renowned Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki, " according to Bisazza. So. Levelheaded decision? Or PC police action? For once, you tell me (Thanks to Imogen for the tip! Images via).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Snickers.

The chewy candy will soon be available in Russia. What worse way to tease that than to mock a hungry African tribe? (link)

Shell's solution to CO2 emissions: butterfly nets.

(click ad, sorry for the bleed-through, but Time magazine is printed on one-ply TP these days) Previously in Shell's ridiculously cutesy-wootsy CO2 campaign, they gave us smokestacks spewing flowers. Now, catching gas with a net. "In the near energy future, we need to make carbon management happen." Yes, "we" do. Between Shell's butterfly hunts and bp's little buzzing bee, it appears Big Oil is trying to cute its way out of actually taking serious steps to help the planet it's killing.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Meltin' Pot jeans.

If for no other reason, go look at a naked man with about 20 cans-worth of shaving cream covering his crotch. (link)

Erwin Rommel, Joan of Arc resurrected by PlayStation 3.

(click ads) Update: scam ads? See comment emailed by president of BBDO Chile.
When advertising PS3, Sony has shown that they're willing to (sorry, awful ad cliche imminent) push the creative envelope worldwide (see boy with thumb penis via Austria). Here, via BBDO in Chile, we have gameboys giving a blood transfusion to "The Desert Fox," Germany's WWII Afrikakorps general, and a heart transplant to the teenage French Catholic saint. Are Erwin and Joan big folk heroes in Chile? While I probably could have guessed the ID of these historical figures (especially Rommel, note the Swastikas on the bed frame), I only know for sure because of the press note attached to the ads (images via: adme.ru). related: Hitler in advertising.

Did Windows Vista "fun up your home"?

(click ads) As Microsoft hurries the Windows 7 fix to the market, let's look back to the recent past, and how the operating system that caused a kabillion curse words was sold to Kiwis. (L) A bumper car! But crashing isn't always fun, is it PCers? (R) Well, here, I at least recognize that you're referencing the colors of the Vista (surrender) flag logo with that flimsy-looking funhouse, MS. OK, tragic irony: take over (campaign by Y&R New Zealand, via). Previous Microsoft ad missteps: Viral. Monstrous. Unpatriotic. Idiotic.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Buygone ad—Wall Street Journal.

They said "boner" (Butt-head laugh). (link)

Ken=Gay.

(click image) Not that there was much of a debate, but for you former schoolgirls of a certain age who stuck your fingers in your ears and sang "LA-LA-LA-LA" every time somebody proposed that Barbie's "boyfriend" preferred the company of boys, this ad image from the 80s should've/would've defeated you. It's not really the earring, per se, no, it's that fierce lavender vest and matching see-thru mesh shirt. Check and fucking Mate (image via). Previously: Barbie's new friend Negro Francie.

Axe teases, disappoints horny Uruguayan men.

(click image) Considering the drooling doofi demographic of Axe users, this had the potential to be a nice sleazy promo. The print ad is for Axe Day & Night fragrances. How it works is, you send a text message after 9pm, and then hold your mobile phone up to the ad to reveal the blonde's covered naughty bits. Except, not—she's wearing lingerie! How dick-softening to the desperate mooks who actually spent the time/money to attempt this (by Lowe Ginkgo in Montevideo, Uruguay, via). Previous Axe ads.

Link Haze, 9/25/09.

• Subaru. Gangsta.
• The Rapture is nigh.
• DQ Moolatté=vacation.
• Obamao change purses.
• Rutger FUCKING Hauer.
• This may in fact be the worst tattoo ever.
• A tree grows in Brooklyn, with a used female condom attached to it.
• Forcing a baby cow to suck your dick ruled not animal cruelty in NJ.

(NSFW) AIDS awareness quickies.

Two of five new "Stop AIDS" commercials you will never ever see in the US, created by Euro RSCG Zurich for the Swiss Federal Office of Public Health. Hmm. Here's what I think: these spots sell hot sweaty quickies much more effectively than safe sex. In fact, I'm going to fuck my art director bareback in the ass on the conference room table as soon as I finish typing this post. Here's the accompanying lovelife Website, if you care (The spots are on YouTube, but not for long. I downloaded them from here). Previous AIDS awareness videos: the faux Hitler sex tape. Sweden's numbered condom campaign. And MTV's stupid chewing gum=fucking spot.

Visine gets the lead out to exploit Sydney dust storm.

(click image) Ad agencies (and their clients) have never been shy about exploiting human suffering (see 9/11, H1N1 flu). So it was this past week with Australian companies, especially those selling cleaning products. They banged out the dust storm-themed creative work fast enough to make your eyes water. But Johnson & Johnson's Visine, via their agency JWT, wins copyranter's first Bleeding Blight Award with this ambient stencil adwork placed on car and shop windows and sidewalks all over Sydney. At least they kinda partially helped clean up! (image via)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ambi Pur toilet cleaner.

Sex is used to sell the cleaning of shit and piss. (link)

Is that a NIPPLE in this 1937 ad for Simoniz?

(click ad, perv) Yes, this ad is from a 1937 issue of Life. And, yes, I think that is visible teat, though blurred a bit by the clear rain slicker. I'm greatly disappointed with the lack of double entendres in the boring copy, though (image via).
Previously in: racy retro advertising. Related: the Nipple Bra™.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Diesel motorcycle helmets.

View a short mockumentary starring Quique The Head. It's the first thing I've ever remotely liked from Diesel. (link)

Your disgusting public restroom ad of the week.

(click image) Previously, we've seen toilet paper dispenser Sphinctertising in Copenhagen, toilet lid puke patches promoting bulimia awareness in Düsseldorf, and soap dispensers in Lisbon dispensing fake blood in the name of domestic violence awareness. Now, for Kleenex: faux SnotVertising. "Got flu?" is the translated line from Portuguese. The agency is Trampolim Comunicação in João Pessoa, Brazil, and though they claim in their press note that these stickers were placed in some mall bathrooms, this is probably a scam shot in the agency's WC in another pathetic attempt to win some ad awards (via).

E.D. humor works perfectly for fabric softener.

(click ad) This, via O&M in Bangkok (snicker), is the anti-Snuggle ad. And I fucking hate Snuggle. The embarrassed Mr. Clothington made the huge mistake of bathing in Comfort brand fabric softener, so now the missus is gonna have to break out her 1,000 thread count Egyptian vibrator. The Whiskey Dicks can relate! (image via) Related: Viagra ads from around the world: sleazy, spermy, Gawker.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: CNA stores.

If Adolf Hitler and James Dean had a son, what would he look like? How 'bout Bill Gates and Elvis Presley? (link)

Spliff-erific 'Weeds' poster.

(click poster) Duuude. Now this is making use of the medium. This partially-rolled up poster promoting season 3 of Weeds on DVD was created by Lowe in the Philippines to be hung in a local video store. Take note, HBO. Some of you new-age digital doofi are probably thinking, 'that's too simple to be any good.' I think I might like it even more than this hypnotic hemp store poster (via: scary ideas). Previous Weeds promos.

easybaby does it!

(click ad and look at the look on Junior's face) "Allows the child to stand...in comfort and safety." Right! Just don't brake too hard! Or, his strained peas could end up in your beehive! Or, you know, you could fucking kill him. (image via) Previously in: I hate kids. Related: NYC PSA—NEVER SHAKE A BABY!

Romanian police invite drunks to piss a straight line.

(click image) Bro, can you turn the white line yellow? On behalf of the Romanian traffic police, ad agency Mercury 360 placed these urinal stickers in men's rooms of the most crowded bars in the center of Bucharest, according to the press note. Interesting idea, though I think playing the little pee-pee game may actually embolden some drunks to move on to level 2 and try their luck behind the wheel on the real road (via). Previous ambient anti-drunk driving bathroom ads: Toilets turned into wheelchairs. Clever fake Russian propaganda posters. And, slutty puking drunk chick wall and floor stickers.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: NHS anti-smoking.

Smoking can kill you. Go watch a UK video of a cigarette beating a man to death from the inside. (link)

All kinds of fetishes shoehorned into sleazy shoe ad.

(click ad) Previously, we've seen men's dress shoes as phallic symbols. This baby, however, takes the fetishization of Asian women to a super-American Apparel level. Though as the Sensualista says: it's "a piss poor example of the art of rope." The details: the ad, via Switzerland, is for Max shoes (made in China?), a worldwide chain of inexpensive footwear shops. It's by German agency Jung von Matt. And it just may be the most sexist ad I've ever posted, though the competition is strong (image via Hypotemuse, thanks to Tess for the tip).
Related: Jimmy Choo. Shoes to die for.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Zovirax.

This is the freakiest cold sore cream ad you will ever see. (link)

Link Haze, 9/18/09.

• Clone-A-Willy.
• Flosstradamus.
• This UK man is a hero.
• Fungus Virgin Mary via Russia.
• Van @ West Virginia Walmart.
• Interview with the creator of Hot Chicks Picking Up Dog Shit.
• Former MTV fuckwit Jesse Camp tries to bring back the 90s by peeing off of the roof of the Standard Hotel.

Send me more tips, please.

Used to be, I got a shitload of tips daily. Then I quit blogging, twice, and lost about 90% of my readers. But the rest of you, and any new people who've happened by, please send me links, scans, and photos of any ads you find that you think suck/rock. Keep in mind that I read pretty much all the main ad blogs every day, so don't send me links from them. OK, I'm busy today writing some shit-awful radio spots. Back later with a Link Haze. Thank you for reading.
Send tips to: copyranter(at)gmail(dot)com

American Scooby-Doo vs. Arabic Scooby-Doo.

(click images) If you've already seen this somewhere, move on. But if not, look at what skin-phobic Middle Easterners did to our beloved Sarah Michelle Gellar and Linda Cardinelli on the ad poster image for the 2002 film classic. Why not just put a robe on Scooby while you were at it (images via)? Related: two ads via Dubai (one, two) that are highly insulting to women.

Some 'Das Boot' cell phone humor via Poland.

Spot for Poland's Simplus mobile network. It's a couple months old but worth a view, especially when compared to the usual crap mobile phone spots. Plus: a little Polish payback for ya know the Blitzkrieg, Warsaw, Auschwitz, Treblinka, etc. Nice touch, the German aide sweeping the model U-boat off the command center map (snicker). Haha, dead Germans! Previous mobile phone ads: Vodafone endorses reusing condoms. Japanese cell phone spot with a live monkey as Barack Obama. 2007 Emmy-nominated Cingular spot. And the classic T-Mobile over-caffeinated cheerleader.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Buygone ad—Prudential.

Let's go back to 1926 for some vintage life insurance ad evilness. (link)

Another Cannes scam ad scandal surfaces.

(click ads) As stated in my original post about these horribly sexist ads for Coopers Premium Light Lager by JWT in Singapore, the campaign won a Bronze medal at the 2008 Cannes festival. Now, for some reason, the ads have resurfaced this past week on a few sites including The-F-Word and Contexts. This apparently finally brought them to the attention of Coopers, because a rep from the company claims the ads were never commissioned by Coopers, and left this comment on the first post. No Frank, I'm not taking them down. Your beef is with the ad agency and Cannes.

fake private dick "Bored To Death" ad in Village Voice.

(click ad) Call the (toll!) number, and you'll hear a rather mundane 1:10 message recorded by Jason Schwarzman (as "Jonathan Ames") for the new HBO show (debuts Sunday). Like the ad reads, you find out he's not licensed, but only charges 100 bucks a day. Previously, I posted a fake Hung escort page ad scanned from Time Out New York, so this appears to be a new local ad strategy by HBO. I like the idea, but the message should have been much funnier.

Floating HeadVertising II.

(click ads, all via) It was a happier, bodiless time. The best is the jockstrap ad.
Previous Floating HeadVertising Gallery.
Related: Floating Michael Bolton head. Floating Kylie Minogue head.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: breast cancer awareness.

Bouncing boobies. (link)

Fake stunt video of the week: IBM ThinkPad.

"3 guys + 1,000 bees + (Aquabond + honey) + 1 Thinkpad...sit back and bee amazed!" Hey, the amateur beekeepers/magicians wave a stick under the unbeelievably lightweight ThinkPad T400s, so this must bee on the up-and-up, right? Well, it at least beeats Ray-Ban's insipid fake stunt videos (1, 2, 3) Via: scary ideas.

Her feet look like ass.

One undeniable thing I've learned by blogging about advertising for four fucking years, is that lazy hard-up male art directors will attempt to wedge an ass visual into almost any ad for almost any product. Like here, via DentsuINDIO in the Philippines, for something called Samantha's cracked heel lotion. Sexy heels? Jesus guys, go to the bathroom and jerk off every once in awhile. It's just the latest stop on the Worldwide Gratuitous Ad Ass Tour (image via).

Alert the Guinness Book of World Records.

(click image) It's the smallest beer ad in history. Cute little Ad Creep execution via Chicago's Tank Communications. Certainly beats a neon sign over the bar for point-of-purchase placement. Though most of the pool joints I've played in have blue chalk, not white. God, I wish I was both playing pool and drinking a Guinness right this fucking moment instead of writing this stupid fucking post (image via).
Previously in little ads:
• KIA's useless little biplane beach banner.
• Austrian divorce lawyer advertises on chopsticks.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Wrangler.

Another dumb French philosophy TV commercial, via the North Carolina jeans company. (link)

Charlie don't surf.

(click ad, via)
Previous vintage girdle ad.

Keyboard for Blondes.

(click image to read keys) You apparently can purchase one of these bubblegum monsters (approved by the "American Blonde Association of America") for $49.95. Buttons include: "Eraser" (delete), "Smart Blonde Button" (shift), and lots and lots of "Useless Keys." Ha? (Keyboard For Blondes, via) Previously in making fun of blondes: Israeli bookstore mocks blondes' reading aptitude. Skinny Blonde™ beer turns YouTube into BoobTube.

What the f*ck is a Creative Director?

Since I started this blog, I've been asked that exact question many times by non-ad industry folk. Well, there's no quick and easy answer. But, just maybe, by perusing this gallery of press portraits of CDs from around the world, you'll get a better feel for the elusive and mysterious Gods of advertising creativity (all images via BestAdsOnTV). Even though I'm only, technically, an associate creative director, I'll still add my pic to the modern madmen pile. Previously in Creative Directors: Donny Deutsch. Alex Bogusky. And, my brief, tense interview with David Lubars.