Happy Memorial Day.

(pic via The Awl. Image is a riff off of this famous Vietnam War pic, for you youngsters.) Back tomorrow with your regularly scheduled illiterate half-assed rantings. Previously in Beyond Petroleum.

Link Haze, 5/28/10.

• Logo lollipops.
• HearseCon 2010!
• Lohan gets ass-faced in Paris.
• Of course AT&T stole from Christo.
• The lamest "Kill Cops" graffiti ever.
• Shrek pun comes back to cum in McDonald's mouth.
• Subway maps bombed by former subway graffiti artists.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Hate-Free Friday.

A funny spot via Germany that assumes you have a fucking brain. (link)

copyranter on The Awl: Odd Man Rush.

I briefly previewed the Stanley Cup finals, after not-so-briefly giving a sloppy blowjob to my amazing overachieving, undersized 2010 Montreal Canadiens. (link)

British Home Office reminds men that 'no means no'—even if she's wearing her hot Do Not Enter panties.

(click poster) Rape awareness poster hanging in public men's rooms in the Merry Olde UK. Tipster Fintan just spotted one in a bathroom in Nottingham. The campaign apparently started back in 2007 when the ad appeared in English lad mags like Nuts. Call me confused, but showing a half-naked woman in a rape awareness ad being viewed by plastered horny pissing men is just bloody stupid, right? Previously in Rape:
• Statutory rape D-Cupped right into our faces.
• Italian rape helpline poster features naked crucified woman.
• And, the 1960s Broomsticks slacks Gang-Rape Ad Series™.

And the award for most disgusting food ad in history goes to...

(before clicking, barf-guard your keyboard) Previously, I posted my winner from Vintage Ads' most disgusting food ad contest, a lime Jell-O and mayonnaise and onions and seafood puke-trosity. But, the "Monterey Soufflé Salad" here from 1955—read those ingredients—was the actual voted-on contest winner/loser. I still think my pick is sicker. related: Manhattan's most disgusting Gyro posters.

Yes, that's a Farting Pelican.

(click ad, via) Previously, via Australia, we saw a Farting Tuna for John West's tuna & beans. Now, via Lima Peru ad agency Publicidad Causa, a very gassy sea bird for Anchomar sardina picante (spicy sardines). (butt-head laugh). All male creative team, of course.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Alcoholics Anonymous Brazil.

Pretty (ineffective?) ads. (link)

Bloody Fetus Mary.

(click ad) It's time for some more social PSA ShockVertising! "Mama Drinks Baby Drinks." The copy translates: "Drinking alcohol in pregnancy and in nursing can damage the physical and mental development of your infant." The advertiser is Unita Locale Socio Sanitaria N. 9 (Local Health Unit #9), and the poster will appear on buses, billboards and in the women's lavatories of bars, restaurants and nightclubs in the region of Veneto, according to the Daily Telegraph. Apparently, 65% of Italian women drink during pregnancy. Jaysus. Here's the campaign website. Lindsay Lohan, take heed! Thanks to Change Marketing for the full ad scan.
Previously: brutal Indian female foeticide ad.

Land Rover url-vertising.

(click ad, via) UGLY. Effective? Annoying? Stupid? Confusing? Different. Have seen the fake url thing used before, of course, but not like this. They left out some countries, though. By Y&R in South Africa. Previously: Gold's Gym uses twitter/facebook references to mock fatties.

bp's now-dead alternative energy logo was even more colorful than an oil slick.

(click image) It's as dead as bp's alternative energy program, right Tony Hayward? Oh, there's still a web-page, but no more cutsey name—it used to be a trademarked fake-word, alternativenergy™, with a shared "e"—and no more cutesy-wootsey logo. Luckily, I still have the image, scanned from a magazine print ad from 2006. The cutesy little buzzing bee was the best. Their ironic sunflower logo is of course being met with hateful gazes these days. Greenpeace UK is even holding a contest to redesign it so that it better reflects the company's true brand. related: Shell ad with smoke stacks emitting flowers.

Fake Scottrader Real Dick.

(click ad, scanned from Wired) So, Scottrade's ad agency? Was this your art direction? Your casting? Or did the client dictate using this dick and his dick pose? And Scottrade: do you realize what putting such an absolute dick in your ad says about your service? By the way, are you dickheads still using abacuses to calculate trades?
related: Trade King's creepy ads:
SilverFox11 has more options positions than the Kama Sutra.
WhiskeySweet40 has an option spread he wants you to taste.

Crotch copy will always achieve high readership scores.

(click ads, via osocio) We've seen CrotchVertising in the name of safe sex twice before (both slightly nsfw). Tom Ford is also a fan. These, from a campaign targeting teens via the Quebec Ministry of Health, translate roughly too: "With herpes/chlamydia, often there is nothing to see." Then, "the condom, 100% on" or something. This is the sign-off website. Insecure young French-Canadian men must just love that "nothing to see" line. I don't believe these are scratch & sniff. Sorry for the blurry scans.
Previously: safe sex print ads and videos.

Punching a billboard—what could go wrong?

(click image, via) Peruvians recently got a chance to break fingers and wrists while testing the "strength of their punch" on these billboards for Lab Nutrition. I don't care how soft the punching button was, you do it hard enough and/or wrong enough, and things get injured. Then, maybe, Lab Nutrition's products could help you heal faster. By the Lima office of Ogilvy, who says 28,000 people tested their strength at 16 board locations. Previously in bad-idea billboards: Time. The Economist. Nortel. Starbucks (idiotic). enviga. Findus Fish (25 singing fish board). Diesel. Target. Hyundai. And Kenneth Cole (ugh).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: NYC anti-smoking spot.

Mayor Benito Bloomberg's latest ad weapon against smokers—bubblewrap. (link)

God loses battle of most annoying UK ads of 2009.

(click posters) Britain's priggish Advertising Standards Authority just released their top ten most complained about ads of last year. Number 1: The Christian's Party's "There Definitely Is A God" bus poster, which was a direct response to the British Humanist Association's poster above right—which came in at #6 on the list. The pro-God ad received 1,204 complaints out of a total of 28,978, which was a 9% increase over the previous year's total. The Brits love to nag.
Previously in religious marketing:
• the Pope's cologne.
• "I hate church"—Satan.
• a critique of the Jehovah Witnesses' marketing materials.
• "Obama had one, McCain had two, let me be your crazy reverend!"

that's not a jacuzzi.

(via) Luftal is an over-the-counter BristolMyersSquibb drug, not sold in the US. Spot by DraftFCB Mexico. Previously in ad fart humor:
• Farting Tuna.
• Chinese air freshener ads feature visualized farts.
related: a jingle I wrote for beano.

The Spider-Women of Turkey.

(click ads, via) "Vog socks on the web now" reads the translated headline from these ads by the Istanbul office of TBWA. Looking at these visuals and the website, it looks like "stockings" got lost in translation. No matter, it's just the latest case of human body Photoshop abuse, though weirdly, for me, kind of an appealing one (I like legs). Update: Yes indeed—where are the models' two back feet? Previously, the digitally-carved body parts have been faces and hands.

Today's mildly clever-but-pointless grab at ad awards.

(click image) For eating human flesh dumplings. The instructions read: 1. Tuck under thumb and hold tightly. 2. Write the Chinese government to help end torture. 3. Don’t let human rights violations by the Chinese government give China a bad name. 4. Take further action at amnesty.org/china. Created by creatives at Saatchi & Saatchi NY for Amnesty International. China's a frequent ad target of AI's. The url is a phony, so this is probably spec work that the agency will try to sell to AI, but will enter into awards shows either way.
Previous pointless Amnesty International ad stunts:
• Public restroom Blood Soap.
• the high-tech wife-beating bus poster.
• woman stuffed in clear suitcase in the name of human trafficking.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: PETA UK.

Bare-skin PETA birds protest bearskin hats. (link)

Hyundai: you're trying too hard.

(click images, via) Look at these fucking hideous World Cup promo creations. Talk about your forced design elements. The nets look ridiculous, the side mirrors look idiotic, and the seats look terrible. I do like the wheels. Hyundai has been the official auto of FIFA since 2000. From the press note:

Hyundai has commissioned two very special i10s to be built. Both the i10s are covered in artificial turf and the center circle on the roof is a home to a 1.5 meter tall foot ball. On the other, the vehicle features goal post on the bonnet of the car that driver peers through. Additionally, the other exterior features include the soccer ball wheels and the football shoe mirrors.

The cars will appear at various events in the next month and a half all over South Africa. The drivers better be prepared for hundreds of soccer balls kicked in their general direction. Previous ridiculous ambient auto advertising:
• Add to cart: 1 Alfa Romeo.
• VW Bug's bloodshot googly-eye hub caps warn against drunk-driving.

Osama bin Plastic.

(click image, via) If you continue using plastic bags, the terrorists will have won. On behalf of Elf, a local NGO, JWT in New Delhi constructed this plastic statue of the "world's most dangerous and irremovable man." They then set him up in various high foot-traffic areas of the Indian city. JWT NYC should import him here and place him around Manhattan and D.C., specifically the Pentagon. You know all those generals waste huge amounts of takeout plastic at lunchtime. The big guy, who's becoming quite the ad meme, never looked better.
Previous plastic pollution ads/stunts:
• Anti-plastic spot will depress the hell out of you.
• Huge six-pack rings flung over statues in Vancouver.
• Drinking bottled water is like giving a car a blow job.

Sexist Ad of the Week: Prostate Cancer Foundation.

(via osocio) "Why can't men express themselves more like women." It's a knitting circle, featuring former NFL great (and co-star of the 1972 classic "The Thing With Two Heads") Rosey Grier and retired MLB pitcher Vida Blue (two he-men with girlie names!) Ahh, so cute, and equally insulting to both men and women. Bravo, PCF. Previous Sexist Ads of the Week.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Durex.

The condom-maker made a giant condom and stuck 50 Tel Aviv University students in it. (link)

Tampon DrainVertising.

(click image, via) To market Nampak's Lifestyle stretch-fit sanitary pad, a South African ad agency created this basin decal, designed to fit neatly over the drainage hole. "The creative resembles the actual product, whilst drawing attention to its unique selling points—its stretch fit and super absorbent core—at the same time," said the agency, Johannesburg's TLC Marketing. Even cuter if you have a cut on your hands, right ladies? Previously in: questionable public bathroom advertising. Previously in: Tampon Advertising.

Speef?

(click ads, from the late 1940s, via) Spam I've eaten. Spork I was aware of. Shouldn't that be "Spausage"? And where's Sproast and Spurkey and Spurger? "Burns" alright. On the way down and on the way out. Previously in disgusting retro food ads:
• 1940s: disgusting Spam ad-off.
• 1954: this Jell-O ad is the most vile thing ever.
• 1960s: Stouffer's turns spinach into a puke brick.

Link Haze, 5/21/10.

(image via)
• Caviar ATM.
• The Schitbag.
• short shit shorts.
• world's oldest sex toy.
• Tea Party is not racist.
• bad brand collaborations.
• Hitlertising, Sicilian edition.
• Tim Pawlenty: Necrohomophobe.
• ATM turned into a no-armed bandit.
• Worst headline of the week/year/ever.
• 1950s Phillip Morris ads targeting women.

UNAUTHORIZED HULKVERTISING MAKE HULK ANGRY!!!

(click ad, via) He's already been illegally exploited in ads via the Middle East and Nicaragua. Now, the Gargaon office of South Korean ad agency Cheil Worldwide is using Dr. Bruce Banner's alter ego to sell Samsung "quick cool" air conditioners in India. HULK NEED ROYALTIES TO BUY HARD TO FIND PURPLE PANTS! Terrible artwork. Done by somebody's cousin?

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Nike Football.

Another Hate-Free Friday on Animal NY. (link)

Photoshop Animal Abuse of the Week.

(click ads, via) "Let the sea help you breathe." Ads by Tel Aviv agency BBR Saatchi & Saatchi for Otrivin sea water nasal spray. It's the ol' literal visual approach. In rare cases, it works. Most of the time, it doesn't. These? Are just fucking scary. As, or more, scary then these and these instances of Scary Photoshop.

(NSFW) Use your mouse to play with Edyta's "Magic Boobs"

According to Warsaw ad agency Change Integrated, the only way to get men interested in breast cancer awareness is to treat them like a child. A horny child. To do this, they recently replaced one of the models in the adult section of a popular Polish website with "Edyta." The agency claims Edyta "trained" almost 175,000 men in a single week on how to examine their partner's boobies, and that these wank sessions were equivalent to "offline" breast-check training courses. Now that's funny. Go here (nsfw, obvs.) if you want to try it/jerk off.
Previously in breast cancer awareness ads/promos:
• YEAH TITS!! oh.
• Save the bouncing DD bOObs.
• Blobs of boob flesh attack Auckland.
• Bald booby heads promote mammogram testing.

A Streetcar Named Bus #6063.

(click image) Canadian accountant organizations sure do have trouble with media placement. As reported by Change Marketing, Toronto has streetcars, but the other major Canadian cities do not. "So?" said the Certified Management Accountants and their ad agency as they mapped out a uniquely idiotic national media plan. This is from the side of a non-streetcar in Ottawa. Previously in terrible media placement. And previously in excellent media placement.

Guerrilla Advertising!

(click image, via) OK, it's actually for Orangutans. But whatever! Let us just applaud the creative minds at Y&R Jakarta who turned those ugly abandoned monorail trusses (L) into ambient advertising for the Friends of the National Parks Foundation in Indonesia. May you ad peoples win lots of awards, and maybe actually help save an Orangutan or three.
Previously in: Guerrilla and/or Ambient Advertising.

(nsfw) Naked Man of the Day.

It's "T", shot by Rick Day. Via Homotography. You could bounce a satellite off that ass. As I said last time, this is a new feature to counterbalance all of these (nsfw) and all of these (nsfw) all over copyranter. Previous Naked Man of the Day.

Whoa, wait: where did those statistics come from?

(click ads, via) Ads for the South African National Council on Alcohol and Drug Dependence warning woman about drinking during pregnancy. (L) "50% of children born with foetal alcohol syndrome will grow up to engage in risky sexual behaviour." (R) "60% of children born with foetal alcohol syndrome will grow up to engage in criminal activity."
Those random numbers feel a bit high, yes? Nothing in the ads or on the website backs them up. Ad agencies wouldn't just make up stats, would they? Also: what exactly is "risky sexual behaviour?" The art direction and photography are nice, though. Previously in: anti-alcohol advertising.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Greenpeace UK.

Greenpeace UK is holding a contest to redesign bp's pretty sunflower logo. (link)

Scary HandVertising of the Week.

(click ad, via) "When coral reefs disappear, mankind will follow." And then, the reefs will eventually return, stronger, with human-like hands, which will make it easy for them to grab stuff to eat. Ad for Conservation International, by the Jakarta office of Grey. Previous Scary HandVertising:
• the GPS finger from Hell.
• McDonald's human hand fries.
• Jermrid's horrible hand germs.
• Condom coated with tiny hands.

Drinking Stoli will take 30 years off your face.

(click ad, via) Photoshop Phacial Abuse of the Week! Man-oh-man, has the "chick magnet" Hef's mug been digitally steam-cleaned or what? Shit, I've downed my share of Russian vodka over the years. Maybe I need to inject it into my forehead? And yes, I would have a drink with me because I don't talk too much, which makes for the perfect drinking buddy.
Previous celebs retouched to a fare-thee-well:
• Mary Hart.
• Ashley Judd.
related: Evangeline Lilly in the most fucked up celebrity endorsement print ad I've ever seen.

magazines use magazines to sell magazines in magazines.

(click ad) What a cute little ad fairy tale from America's magazine publishers. Pointed. But also, dull! If you subscribe to a popular magazine or two (I don't. I get them for free at work.), you may have seen this new ad taking on the "online world." It continues the 2010 "The power of print" campaign, which kicked off with this Michael Phelps execution. Would like to see ad agency Y&R fit Geezer Jock or Coitus into the next one. Magazines—forever terrible at advertising themselves. Here's some more evidence. (Scanned from this week's Sports Illustrated, sorry for the bleed through. Magazines use such cheap-ass paper these days.)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Amnesty International.

Ignore AI and you're ignoring human rights (say with a whiny voice). (link)

Former president George W. Bush used to sell Jockey "no panty line" underwear in India.

(click ad, via) Follow the borrowed interest logic thread, if you can: First, the Iraqi shoe thrower (who has already been exploited to promote ebay in Belgium and sell laundry detergent in Colombia) is referenced, though this time there are several shoes, including a pump. Second, the Bush at the podium is apparently a stunt double, as the real W sits comfortably backstage, protected by his bodyguards, reading a (children's?) book. Now, the copy line: "No one needs to know"—about the faux Bush, and that you're wearing underwear. Brilliant sell. Agency: Mudra in Bangalore.
Previously W references in ads:
• Philips unplugs W.
• Bush with a bindi for Humo magazine.
• American Psycho billboard in New Zealand.
• W appears alongside bin Laden in Samsung campaign.

NO POOP, NO PEEN!

(click ad, from 1936, via) "Somehow, she never seemed to click" with DICK! I'll let you read the rest of this devious copy from the evil folk at Kellogg's. If All-Bran didn't work, hopefully the Cannonball constipation treatment did. Previous retro laxative ad: I JUST TOOK A HUGE SHIT!

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: 2nd-hand smoke ads via India.

These are just stupefyingly silly. (link)

In Green marketing effort, Iberia airlines invites us to play "where's Waldo?" with its planes.

(click ads, via) Ah, the wonderful unnatural magic of Photoshop. "Nobody invests more on going unnoticed," reads the translated (from Spanish) headlines on these hubristic ads from an atmosphere polluter. Nobody? How 'bout hermits? Campaign by Madrid agency Tapsa. Here's a roundup of other amazingly bad examples of Green Marketing. And here's four recent arrogant private jet ads.