copyranter on ANIMAL NY: anti-smoking ads.

They won't deter smoking, but looking at them will make you really dizzy. (link)

Hit put out on Braun marketing director.

Spot by BBDO in Düsseldorf, Germany.
previously in hair grooming:
TWAT the Hell?
The Fusion: a review.
Ladies, toss your hoo-ha hair in the garbage.
His and her grooming kits ad—maybe NSFW, maybe not.

A new, more powerful Vespa...for fatties.

(click ads) Vespa must be really desperate to expand their market beyond the bony hipster. Your ass may be too fat for a scooter seat, but if you can somehow balance your globular immenseness on the new GTS 300 Super, "the most powerful Vespa ever," it'll propel even you forward. Insulting really fat people to target simply overweight people...that's a new one. Ads via New Zealand by Auckland ad agency Colenso BBDO—who previously used a Photoshopped fake-dead cheetah to sell the speed of the GTS 300. (images via).

Finnish Baby Bankers Bring Cuteness To World Financial Crisis.

(click ads) "We recommend Baby Bonds." After two minutes of Google journalism, I've figured out that Sofia is a Russian bank. And these ads, by Helsinki agency King, apparently herald their opening of branches in Finland. Confidence-inspiring. Will they get their investment tips from e-trade? (images via) previous childish bank ads: AK Bank—we're out of lollipops. Here's a 25 ft. stick of cotton candy. Grupo Santander—why King Kong would never make a good banker. Deutsche Bank—the ad their marketing director jerks off to every morning. US Bank—we made you a red paper airplane out of our logo. Capital One—destroying NYC with humongous push pins.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ad Creep Update

Blood beach blankets and a fake bourbon vending machine. (link)

Shut-up 5 Gum.

(click ad) No Wrigley's I haven't. You wanna know why I haven't? Because I'd be fucking DEAD, that's why (from People). previously: Shut-up 5 Gum.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Michou y Mau Foundation

You want to see screaming Mexican muchachos made of matchsticks? (link)

"A woman announcer is always a hazardous risk..."

(click images) It's the Dos and Don'ts of using women announcers!—from some sort of 1950s TV advertising manual. Do give the woman announcer a "prop" because "woman talk that way..." (?) Don't "cast for beauty...because the viewer may never get his mind off the pretty girl." Well, that Don't is roundly ignored today. And lastly, Don't let her be "too aggressive. She will antagonize all men and many women." So, plain and passive, sweetheart, got it? Okay, roll camera...(via flickr) previously in women in 1950s ads: the Perfect Pepsi People. Don't worry darling, you didn't burn the Schlitz. Perma-lift girdle ad is a surrealistic riddle. Ivory soap positioned as Xanax for women. And, Heinz soups ad includes the copy line "Most husbands, nowadays, have stopped beating their wives..."

Online gambling akin to playing hide-and-seek with a giant lemur.

Ladbrokes is the UK's biggest online bookmaker and gambling hub. This is a new TV spot for them by M&C Saatchi. It could literally be an ad for anything. This is the sort of goofy senselessness I dreamed of doing for a living in ad school (via). previously in senseless spots/videos: racism sells black herbal toothpaste. Mac's ejaculating man-tree. Czech beer's blow-up doll wife. MTV celebrates dogshit. German online shopping site's xtreme violence. And Tic Tac Micha.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Australian Childhood Foundation.

Child mannequins are suffocated in anti-child abuse street installations via Melbourne. (link)

NYC Museum of Sex Blowjob Balloons.

(click images) update 4/30: The museum wrote me: "The Museum of Sex is not having an exhibition on oral sex nor are we giving out free balloons. The entire thing was completely fabricated by Lowe..."
To promote a show titled "Exploring the Pleasures of Oral Sex," The New York City Museum of Sex, via agency Lowe NY, supposedly handed out these dirrrty favors imprinted with the exhibit name and museum address. Yeah, cartoon man is smiling now, but wait until she pinches, stretches, ties off, and snaps his stem. Also: where's the cunnilingus balloons (or whatever)? (images via) previous NYC Museum of Sex ads: the good, the limp, and the sex machines exhibit.

Link Haze, 4/24/09.

• Vagina visor.
• Satan worshipper FAIL.
• Eco-aggressive shower curtain.
• Zombie graffiti woman sez don't tag.
• You can't spell proctology without an ass.
• Cheney's standards lower than the Luftwaffe's.
• Pepsi gives side-by-side handjobs to the Yanks/Mets.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Tzabar Travel Agency.

Come for the funny illustrations of Paul McCartney and Amy Winehouse. Stay for the WTF factor. (link)

Vaginal Ad Watch: CIRCA Jewels.

(click ad) Diamond in the muff (sorry). Here in a dirty little ridiculous ad scanned from the May Harper's Bazaar, CIRCA, "the sole international buying house for previously owned jewelry," tries to arouse women into snatching those "nonperforming assets" out of their jewelry boxes and selling them for "extra liquidity." Because unloading prized heirlooms and such is just so fucking sexy (thanks to Heather Libby for the scan). previous inappropriate vagina imagery in ads: Tom Ford, Absolut, and the worst example ever.

the most practical prophylactic ad come-on ever.

(click ad) No boinking balloon bunnies. No vintage porn. No beach sex. No flavored cum bubbles. No raining semen. No despot sperm. No skeleton sex. No panty tarantulas. No tight coochie imagery. No badly Photoshopped copulating. No pig cum shots. No celebrities. No Sudoku puzzles. No, this Cupid condoms ad via Mumbai gets right to the fucking point of using a fucking annoying condom to fucking fuck: saving thousands and thousands of dollars. The ugly sales circular look actually works here (image via).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: WOZ, Swiss weekly newspaper.

Want to see Obama's face evilly and badly Photoshopped? (link)

Your move, Corcoran.

(click image) Sign advertising flats in Salmiya, Kuwait via. related: my rundown of bad NYC real estate ads.

Private Jet Advertising Roundup.

(click ads) After the big three automaker CEOs got very publicly slammed for flying their luxurious private planes to Washington to beg for handout cash, you'd think maybe the corporate jet industry would—marketing-wise—retreat with its tail between its legs. Not so! In fact, the latest issue of Forbes features a special private jet advertising section. Here's a sampling of the ads.
Top L—Cessna says, damn the economic flak, and "keep flying in this storm. Eventually the weak will wither, and the bold will emerge stronger." Boo-yah! Go ahead and fly commercial, pussy boy. Enjoy the food.
Top R—Flexjet goes with the understated, thoughtful approach. "...we politely (snicker) request that you ignore the stereotypes, take a deep breath, and objectively consider the impact this could have on your business..."
Bottom L—"The Common Sense of Efficiency" is Dassault Falcon's tagline—pretty much any business product or service could sport that line. Their ad, featuring your standard, generic pensive exec, tries to guilt you into wasting company resources on their jets in order to lift the world economy as a whole.
Bottom R—Lastly, Beechcraft speciously takes on the Congressional incident head-on. "If three Detroit CEOs had arrived in Washington in the Beechcraft® King Air 350, they might have received a warmer reception..." Highly doubtful!
previously in roundups: Fashion ad trend—jumping models. funny Bail bonds ads. collection of terrible global warming logos. and the scary marketing pamphlets of the Jehovah Witnesses.

German lingerie sale: save an arm and an ear.

Interesting little video for jungstil.de, a German women's shopping site. The "women beating the shit out of each other over sale items" fashion retail ad has been done to death. But I don't think it has ever been executed so violently. (via) previously in women's fashion ads, good & bad: Harvey Nichols one, two. Jimmy Choo. Marc Jacobs. Kate Spade. frankie morello. And Uniqlo.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Thor Equities.

How desperate has the NYC retail real estate market gotten? This desperate. (link)

TD Banknorth Garden's Fusion Zamboni.

(click image) So, my pussy Canadiens (next year, they should change their uniform colors to bleu, blanc, and rose) are about to be swept out of the playoffs by the better, badder Boston Bruins. But at least any Hab blood from the first two games of the series was scraped up between periods by this cutesy branded Zamboni. Gap model Sean Avery probably uses a Fusion. Btw, A puck to the face is a very bloody event (I have the 12-stitch scar above my lip as a reminder). (image via)

To read World Water Day mailing, you had to waste water.

(click image) World Water Day was March 22nd. To commemorate it, Green Belgium, through Antwerp ad agency Duval Guillaume, sent out this mailer to the media with a hidden message only readable after running it under water. The translated line: "Without water, knowledge cannot flow." (?) Hey, why let a little thing like preservation stand in the way of a desperate bid for ad awards? Jesus, why don't we just make tree huggers out of cardboard to celebrate Earth Day? Oh. (image via)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ad Creep Update...

...sheep. (link)

Tortured Photoshop Watch: SEAT Exeo GPS.

(click ad) Can you point the way to WTFucktown? For you non-car enthusiasts, the SEAT Exeo is a newish Spanish compact car. And, according to this new ad by French ad agency Callegari Berville Grey, it comes with GPS standard. So, I guess I just break this helpful gentleman's finger off and lay it on my passenger seat, get out my map, and trace my route. Looking at that thing makes me a bit nauseous (image via). previously in truly WTF visuals: ejaculating man-tree sells fruit juice. the frightful blind bikini women of the Côte d'Azur. Nestea's satanic strawman. McDonald's devil fries. the Stella espresso bean scorpions. Trippy French mushroom ads. And the most disturbing soar throat lozenges ads you'll ever see.

Nothing says "I'm a stud, baby" like a Onesie.

(click ad to stare) $20? That's like 200 2009 dollars. Well, it is nylon/polyester and has a "drop seat." (image via) previously in retro men's fashion ads: it's a 1960s vs 1970s men's top Ugly-Off. The scariest men's socks ad ever created. And three classic 70s h.i.s jeans ads, including one featuring a very young Nick Nolte.

TheAwl.com

Two of my favorite writers, ex Gawkerers and Radarers Alex Balk and Choire Sicha, have just started their own site called The Awl. Their server's hickey (to start), and the design is sparse (for now), but the content is non-hickey and rich! Balk's funny and smart, and Sicha's smart and funny. So, if you like your funny smart and your smart funny, then read it.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: World Wildlife Fund

The WWF says babies=BAD. In fact, why don't you just keep that bun in the oven forever? (link)

HITLER-PACKARD.

(click ads) First off, I seriously doubt that the largest technology company in the world actually approved these print ads (well, maybe the Chaplin one), via Publicis, India, for an HP 8GB flash drive, but I'll ask: Hey HP? Did you guys approve the use of a reference to the worst human in history, along with the wonderful copy line 8GB of political speeches? Well, if you did, you're worse than evil. You're Biters. previously in Hitlertising: Hitler is the Shitler in Cause marketing; Adolf Jitler.
Hitler's b-day today, btw.

Link Haze, 4/17/09.

• Nekkid men furniture.
• 10 vagina-centric spots.
• Poster Boy caps Gatorade.
• Miley Cyrus plays air guitar.
• The Smart car tiny-url. Smart.
• "Eco-indulgent" East Village condos.
• Men prefer hairy ones, according to Google.
• This is how much toilet paper your family uses in a year.
• First, there was the Mona Greasa. Now, Cheese Puff Elvis.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: notforsalecampaign.org

You wouldn't use gag Abe Lincoln beards to incite action against such a serious problem as human trafficking would you? Of course you wouldn't. (link)

FLOATING HEADS FRIDAY.

(click ads to read, all images via)
Previously in the wonderful Buygone Days of Advertising.

The Mazda MX-5 is faster than the snail-people.

(click ad) Eh, zoom zoom? This is how the MX-5 is currently being advertised in the United Arab Emirates. Slick marketing, Mazda. What? No human-headed turtles or sloths? How bout people made of molasses or shit? Or, everybody is dressed as Moses? (image via) previously in horrible car ads: VW Beetle belly. Child pornography used to sell pre-owned BMWs. Porsche is God's favorite car.

The Frightful Blind Women of the Côte d'Azur.

(click ads) Talk about your straining visual metaphors. Print ads by JWT Paris for String Beauty 50+ sunblock. The translated headline reads "Optimize The Sun." First, the blinds on surfer woman aren't all the way closed; so, burn. Second, the sunbathing blind woman is holding herself up with only her toes and elbows? Thirdly...look at these insane ads! Where the Hell is the common sense out there in Ad Land? Jesus, creatives (images via). related: true.com Bikini Kill. French Perrier polar wool g-string bikini ad. Dorito chip g-string bikini ad. the Ryanair bikini calendar. there's a genital mutilation ad in my bikini bottom!

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: EndSuicideNow.org

Suicide may be painless, but these ads are not. (link)

The attack of the 1,000-foot Silverman.

(click ad) "I'm fucking the Gherkin." Replicating the Dennis Leary Rescue Me ads which replicated an already very tired meme, Comedy Central has launched in Britain with a series of posters featuring some of the channel's big stars towering over London (there's also a Steve Carell version). Here, Silverman strokes 30 St Mary Axe, aka the "Gherkin," in the financial district. I'm only posting this to torment her un-comedic ex Jimmy Kimmel. previously: the leaked Silverman World AIDS Day song for The Gap. Comedy Central Germany's bestiality eco ad.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: thyroid cancer prevention.

Medical advertising makes my head hurt. (link)

Sphinctertising.

(click image) Another day, another asshole-centric ad. Shockingly unappealing piece of public bathroom ambient advertising via Denmark—but it get its point across, I guess. Silk soft TP is made from 100% recycled paper. So Danish ad agency By Far says they put these stickers over toilet paper dispensers in public restrooms around Copenhagen. What they probably did was put it over one dispenser, took some photos, peeled it off, and then ran out cackling like 10-year-olds. They could have at least waxed and bleached that anus, though (image via). previously in scary ambient bathroom advertising: one, two, three.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: WorkSafe Victoria.

A human body parts vending machine was created to promote workplace safety Down Under. Ha? (link)

Cool your burning, itching chocolate starfish.

(click ads) Hey assholes! Ha. Print ads out the United Arab Emirates for Novartis Hemorrhoid cream Procto-Glyvenol; it's like slathering a glacier or a waterfall all up in there. I have only one burning question: are we inside my ass looking out? Or is it just really dark outside? (images via) previously in: the uncomfortable visualization of an asshole in an ad. related: Foghorn Leghorn sez get screened for colon cancer. The beano jingle.

The mighty Quinn.

(click ads) The long-awaited follow-up to men's suit seller Duncan Quinn's disgusting NoLita Strangler ad is finally here, scanned from the latest City magazine. Women, he rapes and asphyxiates. Men, he simply blows away with a sawed-off shotgun. Bespoke gangsta! Do you, Jimmy Choo, and Marc Jacobs share fantasy snuff photo-shoot stories? Dead is the new Black in fashion ads. Anyway, Duncan baby, You still need a third execution to complete your contrived, desperate, faux-edgy Killer fashion concept. Here's one: Motorcycle chase crash scene with a couple of well-dressed beheaded riders (he sells helmets). Here's another: suicide scene, blood splattered on the wall behind you, but not a drop on your pinstripes. And your corpse is smiling. Readers, add your third ad ideas in the comments, if you want.