Link Haze, 10/30/09.

• PANTYFISH.
• Candy corn cones.
• "Death" and "Death II" by the Chapman brothers (via).
• This is where the next interesting item would go, if only I wasn't boring-bludgeoned by every goddamn thing I saw this week. See you Monday, fuckfaces.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Jumpstart.org.

The literacy organization places an ad in a poor NYC neighborhood that kinda mocks illiterates. (link)

Floating (Congressional Committee) Head.

(click image) Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee—and my Congressman—Charles Rangel gets the street art floating headvertising treatment on The Bowery near Houston. After 38 years in office, he certainly has learned of many ways to supplement his means.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ad Creep Update—Flies.

Video of 200 flies with mini ad banners attached to them at a Frankfurt book fair. (link)

I wonder how many hands this thing mangled?

(click ad, from 1950) And how the fuck did it work? I guess it shook the shit out of your hand, which you then applied to your body? And where's the, I'm assuming, even scarier STIM•U•LAX Senior? From Oster! Dig the wavy type on STIM (image via). Previously in probably deadly products from the 1950s: the Homko remote-controlled Mow-bot. Previously in: 1950s ads.

Here's something I have hardly anything bad to say about.

(click image) It's an efficient idea for advertising fuel efficiency. To promote the new Volkswagen Golf BlueMotion, DDB in Berlin stamped the map portion of 5,000 Euro banknotes of various denominations with matching route lengths showing how far you could go for your money. The notes were put into circulation at German VW dealers and service shops. Yes, it is an example of Ad Creep, which I usually deride. But this defacing of banknotes isn't so evil. And it's informative (image via). Previously in VW ads: Classic. Sexist. Terrible. And zany (the Peter Stormare GTI spots).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Kosovo.

The republic or territory or whatever it is these days just launched a TV spot that makes the place look like Sunshinystan. (link)

Boxer Chokes Chicken.

(click ad) Ad is for Hundforum dog care in Stockholm. "What's your dog up to when it's home alone?" Well, Paco (that's his name) is surfing puppy porn on an ancient Macintosh, that's what. Ain't no way boy's gonna get quality streaming doggystyle videos on that thing. The wadded up TP is overkill, just the roll would have been fine, thanks (image via). Previously in dog product advertising: Cool. Funny. Evil. Macabre.

Nonsensical Sexuality Of The Week.

A little exhibitionism. A little Sapphicism. And a little knee lick-ism. Is that the woman's twin watching her (incest-ism!)? Or is she watching herself? Anyway, spot for new Loewe fragrance Aire Loco, via Spain. SEX. Agency unknown, via. Previously in perfume advertising: Phew! York. Sarah Jessica Parker's girlie-but-edgy Covet. Love's Baby Soft's child porn ad. 1972—MaGriffe unliberates the liberated woman.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Breast Fest Film Festival.

Watch a woman's breasts get felt up for a good cause. (link)

New Mexico's Children, Youth and Families Dept. renames state "Jurkistan."

(click ads) Ha? New Mexico apparently has a high rate of domestic violence. "It's the way men are here," reads the copy (you have to read the copy to fully take this campaign in) But these print ads—created by a two-person agency in Minneapolis—for the CYFD of New Mexico, are pretty damn bizarre. And insulting! Both to New Mexicans and to all countries that end in -stan. Yes, they're riffing off the barbaric treatment of women in many Muslim countries. But, don't let the Jurks win? YIKES! Tonally off a bit, maybe? The phone number is the real one for the organization, so I'm assuming the ads are legit (images via and via, thanks to John for the tip). Previous stops on the Domestic Violence Awareness Ad Tour: China. China again. Berlin. Lisbon. Lisbon again. The UK. Rhode Island. And New York City.

Just a reminder: Swine Flu also spreads via f*cking.

(click ad) Previously, Y&R Buenos Aires used boning skeletons to scare-sell Tulipan brand condoms. Headline here: "Keep taking care." So, let me take the stupid step of trying to decipher this visual literally. These two young men are engaged in a three-way with a woman who has the sniffles, or maybe something worse? So, in addition to Tulipan rubbers on their peckers, they're using her bra as a mask. This really limits the sexual position possibilities. Also, no oral for the poor female. OR: one (or both) of the dudes is a cross-dresser, and they're giving each other handjobs (image via). To view some of the many prophylactic ads I've diagnosed with the same professionalism over the last 4+ years, click here and here.

Miller Lite throws cape on bottle to create laziest Halloween ad imaginable.

(click ad) Wow! I had to look twice, I really thought that was a vampire for a second! Amazingly, the headline is somehow even lazier than the visual. They've lowered themselves down to Bud Bad with this awful anthropomorphism (Agency: Arc Worldwide, image via). Previous bad Miller ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Snickers.

Mars has launched Mr. T-CTV in the UK, where the be-blinged former A-Team member ubiquitously calls out "walkin' talkin' jokes who call themselves 'blokes'" (link)

The Trib: Guardian of Gotham.

(click ads) Like every major metropolitan newspaper, the now bankrupt Chicago Tribune has reduced staff drastically over the last few years. But they're going down punching wildly, at least judging by these self-promotional ads by Toronto (?) ad agency Juniper Park tagged "Covering the stories you need to know." While the art direction is attractive, the headlines are clunky and weak and—particularly the Batman-riffing one—come off as gratingly pompous. Especially considering that they're for The Trib, not exactly, reputation-wise, America's juggernaut of print journalism (images via). Previously in newspaper/magazine self-promo ads/stunts: The Economist. The Economist again. The Guardian. Business Week. FHM India. FHM Germany. And the New York Times.

Link Haze, 10/23/09.

• Raw meat fashion show.
• Vanilla Ice collects a paycheck.
• Gild your ass crack hands free.
• NYC bodega signage is unique.
• Another dead celeb ad via DirecTV.
• Writings from the Qur'an appear on nine-month old boy's leg.

Hopefully, Windows 7 is smarter than the new ads.

(click ad) Microsoft? Ad agency cp+b? It's "FEWER" clicks, you fucking idiots. This lesson via a grammar moron (me) (image via). Previously in stupid Microsoft ads: Ironic. Moronic. Viral. Unpatriotic. Fake.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Liaison Dangereuse.

Racy—and empowering!—spot for a German online lingerie store. (link)

Mediaite enthusiastically fellates copyranter.

This week, the clumsily-named media news blog founded by NBC's Dan Abrams ran a piece titled, "25 need-to-know bloggers you may not know already." My blowjob is on page three. So, there you go: you're reading a fucking media STAR. Mediaite joins Slate, IFC, The Globe and Mail, and Charlottesville, Virginia in the copyranter glory hole queue.

Canada fights global warming with mild sarcasm.

"Canada's greenhouse gases are going up. In fact, they've gone up more than any other G8 country...Find out if a Canadian vacation in the new warmer Canada is right for your family." Visit the Canadian Tourism Federation. (agency unknown, via). Previously in global warming awareness advertising: global warming logos—from bad to brainless. Stay cool, planet killers. How to advertise global warming awareness on YouTube. Absolut solves global warming with a big tray of ice cubes.

Jesus gangsta, haven't the Mets had a tough enough year?

Meet 18-year-old Jamal Blair of The Bronx. Mets fan. And (alleged) granny slayer. Next time son, put on your Ecko hoodie or something for the perp walk. Previously in the Mets: nine innings of this team deserves something a lot stronger than Bud Light. Previously in: the Yankees.

Amelia Earhart chain-smoked her way across the North Atlantic.

(click ad) In honor of tomorrow's opening of Amelia (Hilary Swank?), here's a retro sponsorship coup for Lucky Strike which commemorated the 1928 "Friendship" flight (on which, she was merely a passenger). Four years later of course, she became the first woman to fly solo non-stop across the Atlantic. The money testimonial quote (probably fake): "They were smoked continuously from Trepassey to Wales. I think nothing else helped lessen the strain for all of us." No Klonopin around then (image via). Previous retro Lucky Strike ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Spore toys.

I'm hyperbolic often here, but this short video, via Mexico, is definitely the violent-est toy ad you will EVER see. (link)

(NSFW) Apparently In Slovenia, all billboards have boobs.

(click image) Last month, it was huge soapy boobs promoting a graphic arts biennial in the capital city of Ljubljana. Here, some subtle tit-fucking imagery is used to help sell some brand of sausage, translation not need, I think (image via). Previously in Phallic MeatVertising: Hillshire Farms. Arby's introduces new melon burger. And, Dickman's Meat of Tucson, Arizona.
Related: the Human Dickwad.

Hey Symantec, did you approve this ad by Leo Burnett Milan?

(click ad) Previous stops on the worldwide scam ad tour include: BBDO Chile's PS3 ads; this HP India Hitler ad; JWT Cairo's burning babies; JWT Singapore's sexist beer ads; an ad agency men's room in Copenhagen; and the NYC Museum of Sex. And now, this creepy Italian ad for Norton Internet Security 2010. Creepy, not because of the creeps creeping through the girl's "window" (what a terribly heavy-handed visual metaphor), but because of the creepy-looking Stepford daughter and her creepy room (why is that top framed?). Anyway, the reason I'm 99% sure this is a scam ad is because of the minuscule Symantec logo (image via).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Amnesty International.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wielding a Super Soaker. (link)

FedEx creates pathetic-looking hockey rink package.

(click ad) I love ice hockey and I hate business packages. So combining the two leaves me feeling absolutely nothing. (ad by BBDO Toronto, image via). Previously in hockey-related advertising: Tie Domi's pink Leafs jersey. Sean Avery dons a Gap sweater. Calgary Flames playoff ads come back to burn them.

This is f*cking ridiculous.

It's a forty buck fucking footboard. "You'll soon be experiencing a G-rush with the GThrust," says spokesbimbo Hilary. Watch as models Sarah and Dustin try to keep straight faces while fake fucking with a fucking swing set seat attached to their feet. AAAAAH (takes breath) HAHAHAHAHA (via). Previously in sex toys: Gilbert Gottfried for the Fleshlight. Yoba erotic toy ads with vibrating photos of women. Vienna sex shop window display: dildos in a fish tank.

NSFW! Is this the most insane TV spot ever produced?

It's via Russia, specifically the city of Novokuznetsk, for some company named Vikam, a seller of work clothes and boots, I think? Just watch it, and give me your artistic interpretations in the comments, Fellinis. Look for the completely naked blonde with the baby harp seal coming out of her chest (via).
Previously: Here's a What The FUCK? ad roundup.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: anti-ageism billboards.

Via Scotland. They're wrinkly. And depressing. (link)

If she bats her lashes at you, she'll smother you.

(click ads) Cousin Itt lashes. Jesus, these are trippy. At least Leo Burnett in Warsaw, Poland didn't go with the usual approach of a close-up photo of a pretty celeb spokesmodel's peepers. And the campaign, for Max Factor's Masterpiece Max mascara, just won a "Golden Drum" from some ad awards show in Slovenia. Which means absolutely nothing to me. Anyway, what do you think, ladies: are they more appealing than this pink girlie Covergirl mascara ad via Argentina (images via)?

Man, woman getting it on. Man takes phone call. So woman f*cks man's pants. Man left to smell pants.

Get a good whiff, Herr Dummkopf, that'll teach you. Spot for Berlin online clothing retailer Von Rosen (warning annoying as fuck music at website). Stupidly tagged, "when your style does the job." Should have been devoid of copy. Agency: elbkind in Hamburg. Via. Previously in super-sexualized clothing adverts: Diesel. Tom Ford. Duncan Quinn. John White. And, American Apparel.

1969—Sex Sells Sodium Bicarbonate.

(click ad) The sexual revolution was in full-on heat and, well, nobody wanted to fuck Speedy. So, enter the bikini babe, suggestively sliding a packet into her nether regions. She had the cure for your love hangover (image via).
Previously in Sex Sells Unsexy Products: Method floor cleaner. Heinz Soup. Widex hearing aids. Rachachuros meat seasoning.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: UK anti-cocaine spots.

A man's nostrils have a cheeky, bloody discussion with each other about booger sugar. Plus, a heart with a funny voice dies. (link)

Link Haze, 10/17/09.

• Read this.
• Chachi is a douchebag.
• 100 posters for Green Iran.
• Shit or condom, your choice.
• David Duchovny said "pooper."
• Dr Zizmor's voice not as smooth as his face.
• The shirt was up before the balloon was down.

Big tobacco company urges Indonesians to be their daring black-body alter egos.

Well, this takes the Vogue black face controversy to a different level. Maybe there's something, culturally, that I'm missing here? Anyway, Sampoerna, Indonesia's largest tobacco company (97.95%-owned by Philip Morris parent Altria), wanted—like all tobacco companies—to attract younger smokers. This :90 spot, by ad agency Bates 141, is the result. The spot is tagged "Go Ahead" with the "A" being the recognizable logo for the company's most popular clove cigarettes. From Bates 141's YouTube page description:
"...todays young adult Indonesians, our targets, want to be the actors of their life and stay true to their self. They are doers who dont want to be in the same position as the older generation. They aspire to have a different narration and fight to achieve their ambition and dreams they are a generation of starters who take action while others are waiting. They are todays modern heroes the action generation. Brand A is the pioneering, daring spirit of progressive Indonesia. And thats why Brand A is by their side as they Go Ahead."
You'll note that the better halves are slimmer and happier and crazier and, well, very very black. Like a lifelong smoker's lungs? Just imagine the outrage in the US or the UK. And hey, wait a minute! Back in 1930, Lucky Strike presented smokers' black doppelgängers as evil fatties (via). Previously: anti-tobacco ad round-up.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Voodoo Doughnuts.

(NSFW!) The story of a Portland doughnut shop and their ad featuring female pubic hair, an ad which Bitch magazine rejected as sexist. (link)

Fake stunt video of the week: Grand Shoes.

Sweden's Grand Shoes is an online shoe store that only carries big sizes. Within the rapidly burgeoning fake stunt video ad genre, this is quite lame. At least it's short and painless (even for the puppy, probably). By McCann in Malmö, Sweden, via. Previous Fake Stunt Videos: IBM. MTV. Diesel. Ray-Ban. Ray-Ban again.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Buygone ad—Drano.

The daily tension between Herbert and Millie was rising like the water in their clogged bathtub. (link)

Philippine Airlines presents your Mile High Club menu.

(click ad) "We can't promise you a date with any of these exciting beauties..." but, Filipino horndogs, you're welcome to pinch all the ass you can reach! These (fake) flight attendants from this 1960s ad certainly ran the gamut from native to American, cute to come-hither (American Airlines had the best MILF stewardesses). These days, you have to fly Korean Air to find a flight attendant ready to drop to her knees. (image via)

The latest from American Apparel's crack ad team.

(click ads) L—New ad from the UK edition of Vice (England's ASA ban tk) featuring Brittney and her ass crack in a lace body suit. R—New ad from Salt Lake City Weekly (Mormon outrage tk) featuring Eliana and her very prominent ass crack in fancy panties. Cracking good advertising creative directed by the pants-optional CEO, of course. (images via). Previously in: American Apparel ad ass crack. Non-American Apparel ad ass crack.

Jude Law has horny drunk Russian women up a tree.

(click ad) The Tree of (SEX) Life. Yet another Western star heads east to rake in some easy alcohol endorsement rubles (see Quentin Tarantino looking completely fucking pissed off in these Russian Dewar's ads). Here, Gigolo Joe strikes a pose for Martini Rosato vermouth. Anybody know Russian? I count ten (update: 11!) forest nymphs there, Jude. Better not pour another round lest you be stricken with пенис вискиа (whiskey dick).
Image via: adme.ru.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Stop animal testing.

Poor puppy, shrunken and turned into a perfume decanter. (link)

Because that's the one thing beefy bratwurst-snarfing buffoons need to score tail: more protein.

(click ad) It'll give you football biceps! Then, you'll be able to get into her hot box. Talk about your tall tale of an ad. They skipped a few steps in that headline claim, maybe? Though, considering the idiotic target audience, the ad will probably move product. Scanned from a recent ESPN magazine. Related: my business meeting with the great LT (true story).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Chronic'Art

A French culture magazine's print campaign features maggots and zombies and blood-covered bunnies. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Skoda Yeti.

Drink and drive! say these abominable car ads, not that indirectly. (link)

Italian jeans help attract hot chicks, solve world crises.

(click ads) Meltin Pot jeans (bastardized René Descartes tagline: I dream. I am.), via Italian agency Armando Testa, again tries the nonsensical sell made a cliche by fellow Italian fashion label Diesel. While I love hot women in lingerie and pig masks as much as the next man/lesbian, making light of catastrophic financial meltdowns and tragically inadequate healthcare whilst hawking hundred dollar cotton pants doesn't achieve an attractive senseless tone for me. Also, the layouts are just trying too hard to be quirky (images via).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: KFC Krushers.

A Krusher is a smoothie. A smoothie is a blowjob. Therefore... (link)

Your Retro Racist Ad Of The Week.

(click ad and read all the copy)
Ad from around 1940 (judging by the William Shirer reference at the bottom) for 97% caffeine-free Sanka. That's quite the beezness transaction story, right Lou Dobbs (via)? Previously in: Retro Racist Ad Of The Week: Barbie. Budweiser.

Thursday night is Ladies Pokies Night.

(click ad) And non-waxed brunettes (willing to provide proof) drink for free! I guess a club could represent her asshole? Starkly crude poster ad from the Land Down Under for the Adelaide Casino's ladies poker night. Be careful: one of these two ladies is bluffing! (via) Previously in: VaginaVertising. Related: Nads® pubic hair design kits.