Link Haze, 1/31/11.

(image via)
• 5 real hangover cures.
• The flying goats of the Himalayas.
• Criminals? Go buy guns in Arizona.
• In fact, give every Arizonan a Glock.
• Oh Big Unit, that's just embarrassing.
• Fox News doesn't know where Egypt is.
• Overgarnished cocktail is overgarnished.
• Fauxbama selling KFC fish sandwiches in China.
• Let's all brush our teeth with twigs, like Muslims.
• The archive: finger penis birth announcement card.

American malls are a (dick) joke.

(click image, via reddit, via where else? New fucking Jersey.) Oh, I'm so very sorry that the ten-year-old boy inside of you is DEAD. Previous mall dick jokes: Dickman's Meat of Tucson, AZ.

PETA's Super Bowl video features models fellating vegetables.

(via) Unlike in 2009, the vegan idiots are not going through the charade of "trying" to get this aired during the game. This is just outtakes from the casting sessions of that shoot, according to Buzzfeed. The token male is just fucking pathetic. Here's a partial roundup of past idiotic PETA ads.

This week's restaurant commercial that'll make you puke.

(via) Ad agency: MMDI, Toronto. Previous Nando's ads.

AXE plays Dick-Tac-Toe.

(click ads, via) Just terrible. Xs and Os, GET it? Note with first ad: shouldn't the O be on top of the X, to reflect the "Axe Effect?" I'm tired of writing about Axe's stupid advertising. But this campaign is maybe the stupidest yet. Compare it to this one, this one, this one, and especially this one. Ad agency: Lowe Mena, Dubai.

Today's ads that'll make art directors touch their genitals.

(click ads, via) Ooh. Ah. Look at that intricate retouching work. WHO CARES if I don't see "improved chewing skills" as any reason whatsoever to buy the Mint Z brand of chewing gum. I'm just a lame left-brain driven copywriter. So go pound sand, copyranter. Ad agency: Creative Juice, Indonesia. Previous ads that made art directors touch their genitals: one, two, three, four.

Link Haze, 1/28/11.

• The GOP is evil.
• The NRA is evil.
• Coke + Mentos = ...
• Don't Walk + blizzard.
• Weed catapult = brilliant.
• Washington Post wins the snow storm.
• UK airport calls 3-inch toy gun a 'firearm."
• Crown Jewels, the royal wedding condoms.
• I kinda like the new Tuna Council pitch-woman.

Gaultier's fake lesbian kiss ad.

(click ad) Fooled ya, you pervs! That's Karolina Kurkova on the left. BUT, that's the androgynous Andrej Pejic on the right. So edgy (via adrants). Here's more edgy fashion ads.

It's Friday. How bout a cutesy wootsy ad?

(click ad, via) By the end of the week, my piss and vinegar tanks are running on fumes (it doesn't smell good in my office). Friday is when I usually post ads I can't muster the Hate for. They tend to be things with dogs in them. Like this cutesy wootsy Bark in the Park ad, and this cutesy wootsy Iams promo frisbee. And if you like the Cutesy, here's eight previous cutesy ads. Ad agency: Publicis, Montreal.

Soviet Propaganda Posters from 1917-1922.

(click posters) Winning the hearts and minds. Translations: top left—Peace and freedom for the Sovietdom (Who is the giant red naked man? update: it's Trotsky, and update: it's an anti-communist poster—see comments.); top right—Tsar, Pope and the Rich; bottom left—Parasites and slackers do nothing and prevent others from working; bottom right—Red plowman. See many more of the posters here.
Previously: Wonderfully violent Soviet work safety posters.

Crazy Japan Ad of the Day.

Two million+ views in less than a week, so you may have seen this total CraZinEsS already. If not, turn down the volume. These kids are either superb actors or they chowed on Happy Meals laced with amphetamines.
Previously: Crazy Japan Ad Week number 1 and number 2.

Today's ads that'll make art directors touch their genitals.

(click ads, via) Well, at least the eggplant execution will. That Dachshund ad is just fucked the fuck up. How bout a dog turd with a brown pencil point instead? Art directors? Weed during ideation=good. Inhalants≠good. Ad agency: Serviceplan, Munich. Note: I worked on Faber-Castell in my distant past. Won an ADDY (fuck you)! Previous ads that made art directors touch their genitals: one, two.

In Russia, Don't Drink/Drive billboards are a bit more violent.

(click images via) For four days around Christmas, this bloody illegal guerrilla billboard warned motorists in Novgorod, "It could be your body." Note the Santa-hatted dummy is holding a steering wheel. I would have like to have seen more blood, a la this Kill Bill board in New Zealand. But still, a nice amateurish effort.
Here's six previous invasive 3-D billboards.

Meet Barry. The best damn thing to happen to advertising since Bill Bernbach.

(via) Wild Fire is "The Urban Drink," a concoction that's 25% apple juice with a shot of caffeine. It is Barry's drink. This is Barry's motto:
Man must exist in a state of balance between risk and safety.
Pure risk leads to self-destruction.
Pure safety leads to stagnation.
In between lies survival and progress. (not original. so what.)
Here's Barry's facebook page. Here's a second Barry video. Barry is nothing short of a hero for our times. Ad agency: Unknown.

Greenpeace protests this Amnesty International video.

All that wasted paper, it's an eco-disaster. It's an overwrought bullshit metaphor, but a compelling, nicely-shot overwrought bullshit metaphor. Ad agency: Euro RSCG in Kuala Lumpur. Here's more of AI's overwrought bullshit metaphors.

Link Haze, 1/26/11.

• Ear earring.
• the Old Spice Guy is back.
• Scary. And getting scarier.
• Genghis Khan, eco-warrior.
• here are your favorite logos.
• the Orange Crybaby last night.
• Shots from the protest in Cairo.
• the cutest 13 seconds on the Internet today.
• your door is not yours in NYC, part 10,567 (right).
• Lady Gaga's perfume will smell like blood and semen.
• Fox News, tired yet of a comedian making you look like fools?

Douchebag Sean Avery does nude skin cancer t-shirt.

(click image, via) He would only do it with THAT LINE. What say you Marc Jacobs? Does Avery have a large stick? More info on Jacobs's Protect The Skin You're In campaign here. Avery joins faux sk8tr grrl Marissa Miller (nsfw), et al. Previously: Avery gives the photographer "pensive douche" for a GAP ad. For you non-hockey fans, yes, Avery is a douchebag.

"She" magazine "rebrands" marriage with middle finger imagery.

(click ads) She is a UK women's glossy. These ads are running in their Valentine's Day issue. Yeah, get hitched out of anger! The campaign was created "to make people reappraise marriage as the number of British people marrying drops to its lowest level since 1862." And before you defiantly walk the aisle ladies, make sure you're wearing a diamond ring that guarantees monogamy to the power of 100.
Ad agency: Publicis. (via). update: not an original visual (see comments).

How much do you hate the breezy, douchy State Farm Guy?

He's actor Eddie Matos. And he's everywhere on the TV these days. He's inspired a facebook page, an assassination video, and Googlers hate him (click image).

His breezy douchiness is pretty damn annoying. Poll time! Who's the most annoying spokesperson ever? Matos? Mr. Opportunity? Snuggle? The Balvenie Weenie? Flo? Or, Men's Wearhouse CEO George Zimmer? Vote/add your own in the comments, if you want.

(nsfw) American Apparel's new porny pencil illustration ads.

(click ads, via) Cotton: the fabric of their underage? lives. Aw, how innocently sleazy. The artist is Boris Lopez, whose graphite pencil works have appeared in such cultured periodicals as Hustler's Barely Legal and Tight. The pants-optional CEO has a subscription to both. Anyway, with the above, and these graphic line drawing ads (nsfw), AA continues to try to spread their dirty creative wings. How 'bout some Manga next, Dovey? We know you got an Asian itch.

The best goddamn...Dramamine ads ever.

(click ads, via) Ad agency: JWT, Caracas, Venezuela.
Previously:
• the best goddamn Lego ads ever.
• the best goddamn safe sex ads ever.
• the best goddamn sex shop video ever.
• the best goddamn bedwetting ads ever.
• go here and here too see even more of the best goddamn ads ever.

"Vampire Diaries" promoted with "Catch VD" billboards.

(click images) Is Kenneth Cole working as a freelance copywriter? Teaser boards for the show which returns Thursday on the classy CW. Top, in L.A. Bottom, Times Square. No problem, right? Because teens these days don't know what VD stands for, do they? (via EW, via MTLB)

Model Bukkaked by Sephora.

(click ad) Well "they" say it's good for the skin, "they" being adult movie producers. If you don't know what the practice of bukkake entails, here's a diagram. Poster via Sarah Silverman's twitpic.
Previous Bukkake ads:
• Clinique.
• Russian milk maids.
• German Mini convertible ad.

Man getting hit in the balls repeatedly by girlfriend is rescued by Burger King Chicken.

The Salvation Chicken of Singapore? He's part of a new "Never Chicken Out" campaign for BK in Singapore. Here's the Facebook page where you can—as is de rigueur these days—submit your own experience. At least she's not hitting him with the heel. The video is too long, uninteresting and unfunny. In 2009, BK Singapore caused quite the kerfuffle with this overt Blow Job sandwich ad.
Previously: The creepy King visits Russia, hits steam bath with topless babes.

Link Haze, 1/24/11.

(click image, via reddit)
• This is just hilarious.
• Pantone chip cookies.
• Suicide booth (in use).
• Stoners culinary paradise.
• Make your own Fleshlight.
• Mugshot of the year, so far.
• Kaws light bulbs, 3 for $65.
• I loved Hot Wheels more than jerking off.
• New Brooklyn street "artist" "something" (examples one, two).

Which of these outfits should copyranter build his new Fall wardrobe around?

(click images) Galliano (L) or Givenchy (R)? I've been hit hard by the economy, so I can only afford one. While I am hypnotically drawn to Galliano's hobo wrestler in distress look, that howling dog shirt/shorts combo would make me the talk of my local Associated market. But! My CK Hurt Locker jacket from last season would look marvy over Galliano's ensemble. Help! (Images via Homotography, where you can keep up with all the big gay Paris men's fashion shows going on currently.)

Cute Kit Kat wrecking ball spot wrecked by that stupid song.

(via) Silence would have been better than that awful sports stadium staple, the name of which I don't know. Ad agency: JWT London. Previous Kit Kat ads:
• This Kit Kat painting is meaningless.
• Kit Kat creates maybe the best website ever.
• Kit Kat makes me build a shitty uncomfortable chair.
• Kit Kat exploits the longest tennis match in history.

American Apparel Boy Ad: where's the Pubes and Ass Crack?

(click ad, via) Meet "Barret" from right here in NYC. OK, we got dick bulge, but I can see better in old Sears catalogs. I think I saw Barret on the L train this weekend, talking to his bro about Dirty Projectors and playing chess. Note to Barret: many many many more tricep dips. Oh, AA has done a sleazy boys ad, once, years ago (nsfw, ass crack). It seems the pants-optional CEO is loath to put males in his ads hotter than him.

Israeli parents lock their gay kids in their gay closets.

(click ads, via) Here's an inside peek at the ideation process that went down during the brainstorming session for these sledgehammer metaphor ads: "Let's do something with a...closet?" "OK. But make them black & white so's people know it's serious." Israeli ad agencies apparently only use closet metaphors in their gay ads. That chair wouldn't keep Big Gay Bob in his closet, pops. Client: The Aguda—the National Association of GLBT in Israel. Ad agency: ACW Grey, Israel. Previously in: Gay Ads.

Iggy Pop's torso face looks like it's ready to puke.

(click image, via) You're loose alright, Mr. Pop. Related, Iggy in ads:
• Wearing a John Varvatos suit.
• Dancing for a UK insurance company.

Idiotic "Jesus Hates Obama" spot "banned" from Super Bowl.

The "commercial" is by conservative "comedian" Richard Belfry, who says Fox deemed his spot "not acceptable to air." According to Agency Spy, Belfry used a multi-million dollar cash infusion from private investors in exchange for 49% of his company to launch his site and produce the commercial specifically for the Super Bowl. What's that smell? Elephant shit? Says Belfry about his stunt to sell promo items: "This isn't a stunt and we’re definitely not trying to capitalize on the horrific events that happened in Arizona." Good to know, asshole.
Related: Here's 11 instances from the last two years of illicit BamBranding.

Sex Worker Awareness Ads.

(click ads, via) For Stepping Stone in Halifax, Nova Scotia, a nonprofit that "offers supportive programs for women, men, and transgender sex workers." (related: shemale escort ad!) Do these attempts at humanization work for you? I get the attempt at SHOCKvertising, but the flip headlines are a little awkward. Tough subject to tackle, creatively. Are they looking for awareness? Donations?
What do you think of the ads?
Ad agency: Extreme Group. Related: Here's four Sex Trafficking awareness ads.

The best-named funeral home ever.

Of Troy, NY. A perfect place to be taken for final arrangements to exit this fucked up world, I say (via AIGFY). Previously in death is funny:
• Urnie Banks?
• the Coffin Cuties calendars (nsfw).
• the hilariously tactless Accuquote ads.

(spoof) Gillette introduces new 80-blade razor.

The MagmaCore Extreme, each blade "thinner than a single atom." It's actually a teaser video for Gillette's new Fusion Proglide—which still has "only" five blades.
James Nunn, brand communications manager at Gillette, says: "There is invariably a degree of cynicism regarding the number of blades when we launch a new razor, so this time we've decided to embrace the cynicism by humouring ourselves...we will not be adding more blades."
The video is neither humorous nor well made, but it is slightly refreshing to see a razor company not take itself so dead fucking seriously.
Previously: two humorous Russian videos for Gillette's Venus razor.
Related: My hi-larious review, five years ago, of the first Fusion.

This ketchup ad is complete and utter bullshit.

(click ad, via) Yes, visualized hyperbole is a tried and true ad method. I've done it many times. But there's got to be at least a skosh of truth. Ketchup on a carrot is not at all appetizing. Why not put an orangish dog turd in place of the hot dog? After all, "You can feed him whatever you want." Brand: Osem. Ad agency: Gitam BBDO, Tel Aviv. Previously in complete bullshit ads:
• Axe.
• 5 gum.
• Reebok.
• Starbucks.
• McDonald's.
• Nissan Leaf.
• Hearts On Fire diamond.
• American peanut farmers.

A lingerie billboard made out of jumper cables.

(click, via) For Blush lingerie, erected on a Berlin street. Here's the making of video. Well, it is the first ad made out of jumper cables I've ever seen. So, there's that. Previously, Blush produced an ad exploiting the airport scanner hullabaloo. Ad agency: glow, Berlin. Previous lingerie ads:
• nsfw.
• Fun bags missing twist ties (nsfw).
• Princess Di doppelgänger (on purpose).
•And seven videos.

In France, good customer service is like busty fairies in sexy safari outfits.

(via) Client: Bouygues Telecom, a mobile phone company. Ad agency: DDB Paris. Bullshit factor: 10/10. Drugs taken during ideation: unknown. Note: I don't give a shit how you feel when you give me an "affordable mobile plan." Anyway, it is the craziest mobile phone commercial I've ever seen (even crazier than the Japanese Obama monkey spot). Add it to the craziest commercial pile.

Link Haze, 1/19/11.

(image via)
• Bodega cats.
• Giant pink snails.
• 30 creative calendars.
• Google homepage, 1998.
• Good idea, bad execution.
• "Truth in advertising" video is funny.
• It's a creepy day in the neighborhood.
• The "Brochella" lineup—Adema, WOO!
• Ben Franklin's 200 synonyms for Drunk.
• Nazis are infiltrating German sports clubs.
• Interview with the Brooklyn tree Twat-ifier.
• Speed, Australia is now Speedkills, Australia.

The latest stupid Ray-Ban-is-cooler-than-you video.

(via) It's fake. Like all the rest (the exaggerated stretching is a dead giveaway). It's stupid, like all the rest (except this one). It's not quite the stupidest. That's this one. Or this one. Or this one. Note the "Never Hide" graffiti at the end. Total douchebags wear sunglasses on the subway. Ad agency: Cutwater, San Francisco.

Wonderfully violent Soviet era work safety posters.

(click posters) In Soviet Union, machines worked you, etc. Each one is better than the last. The designers of these posters genuinely cared about the Party workers, you can tell (via English Russia). Related: the careless shoe saleswoman in this Australian work safety video looks like she's dead.