Link Haze, 2/28/09.

• Gayon cologne.
• Three funny spots for Raun sofas.
• Che has been lazily riffed on ad infinitum.
• Joel and Benji Madden on the Congo crisis.
• Mister Fantastic's girlfriend models for Nordstrom.
• 13 dog shits across from depressing-looking Cathedral of Joy.
• Remember Iggy's insurance spot? The insurer doesn't cover musicians.
• Kanye is not giving a guy a blowjob backstage during London fashion week.
• The Republican California mayor who sent out this not-racist eCard is resigning, but states for the record, that he didn't know of the watermelon stereotype.

Headless women in top Montreal salon.

(click ads) Death becomes her! A new head of hair! "How it works here at Käaz Coiffure, darling, is you first tell us exactly the style you want. Next, we saw your head off so you can go shop or eat or whatevs for an hour or so. Or if you prefer, you can sit here and pretend to read a magazine. Then when Sasha is finished, we suture your head—with a killer new 'do—back onto your neck. C'est bon, oui?" While it would be an equally disturbing campaign, wouldn't it at least make a smidgen more sense if the bodies and heads here were different women?
(images via)
Previously in beauty marketing: one, two, three, four, five.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Tic Tacs.

Meet 16-year-old "human beat machine" Tic Tac Micha. (link)

Just because Fabio is smokin', doesn't mean you should, ladies.

(click ad) Just say no, says Fabio. "When I first look at a woman, I look into her eyes, unless she has a cigarette between her lips..." And, that deafening sound heard across the land was the simultaneous crushing of millions of packs of smokes by entranced readers of romance novels. Wow (fanning myself with a product brief). That's even more effective than telling me there's urine in my cigarette, or comparing smoking to 9/11 (twice). (via MakeTheLogoBigger) Previously in anti-smoking ads. Previously in vintage cigarette ads.

Jacko's (alleged) illegal boy sex used to sell pain reliever.

(click ad) Loose headline translation: "Six? Twelve? It doesn't matter the age of your headache." Heads up, Jacko legal attack wolves! (He could use the money!) Acrogesic is a brand of the Spanish drug company Laboratorios LETI. This ad supposedly ran last November, but could be a fake created by the Venezuelan office of ad agency Nölck Red America to enter in awards shows. Either way, tasteless—but more importantly—bad idea. (image via)
previous Jacko in advertising.
previous music stars in ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Fage yogurt New Yorker ad.

The best ad yet in this very good campaign. (link)

The (Sugar) Tree Pose.

Images that belong on a McDonald's soda cup:
—A bottle of insulin.
—Grimace.
Images that don't belong on a McDonald's soda cup:
—A woman executing the Vrksasana yoga pose.
previously in laughable McDonald's packaging.
previously in laughable McDonald's ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Grass Roots hemp store.

Olympic hero Michael Phelps finally picks up his first post-pot-photo endorsement. (link)

The Dorito Ain't Gonna Eat Itself.

(click ad) You're entering the Peruvian Triangle. Outdoor Doritos poster via Peru. Babelfish headline translation: Summer has arrived. More heat, less clothes. You can go to the website to see the top half of this crudely branded string bikini. Aye carumba. (image via) Previous overt pussy references in ads: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, annnd...eleven.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: NOAH against animal testing.

Ladies, there's a new brand of perfume out: Torture (pronounced "Tor-CHAIR"). (link)

KEN COLE'S DIMULUS PLAN.

(click ad) He's already exploited the Iraq war, the homeless, flight 1549, and AIDS to sell his cheaply made merchandise. Now, he painfully, punfully mocks consumers' fears to sell women's handbags and shoes (scanned from today's New York Post). update: Kenny blogs about the economy.

Link Haze, 2/20/09.

• Snobama.
• The baby mop.
• Armor Of God PJs.
• Never dare NYC thieves.
• Chris Brown's Got Milk? ad.
• Are you a relationship retard?
• The new Beate Uhse erotic TV spot is cool.
• continuing the weekly copyranter women who fucking rock series...

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ad Creep Update...

One's disgusting. The other's blasphemous. (link)

Lovebot Friday: Alien vs. Predator

(click ads) It's the second edition of LoveBot Friday, wherein I post stupid and/or fun tech/scifi ads. Last week, it was fun posters for the SciFi Channel via Italy. Today, it's stupid/fun ads promoting February airings of stupid Alien vs. Predator on Sky Television in New Zealand. The tether tennis scene is particularly stupid/fun. (images via) Previous Sky TV/New Zealand movie promos ads: Knocked Up. American Psycho. Kill Bill.

Well, Love Is A F*cking Puzzle.

(click ads) Simple, stark, rather depressing print executions out of Montreal for skeevy-looking dating website Mate1. Who says romance is dead? I guess the ads get their hooking-up point across, but they leave me feeling, um, flat. Funny, I don't see the three-way sub-category (left) listed on their landing page. (images via) Previously in online dating advertising: match.com; true.com; JDate.com; eHarmony.com.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Liga Contra el Cáncer

It's an anti-smoking billboard made from 15,000 cigarette butts. (link)

Comedy Central's blue Green German ad.

(click ad) Hündchen-style humor via ad agency Kemper Trautmann in Hamburg, Germany. Not likely to be seen in The US anytime soon. Like I've said, those dirty Deutschlanders really seem obsessed with bestiality. (image via) Previously in Green Marketing.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Lexus.

What do Lexus and hack artist Andy Warhol have in common? You tell me. (link)

Bra-Brand Girl-Band.

Say that five times fast. Meet The Vassarettes, "the first and hottest bra brand band (here's the video of their first fucking awful song)." Vanity Fair hired them to rock out with their bras out as a front for their Vassarette brand bras. Imagine what Bikini Kill would have done with these bimbos. This is one of the most intensely disgusting things I've encountered in my too-long ad career. They should go out on a mall tour with Davy Jones, Iggy Pop, and the 1-800-OK-CABLE shill band. (via brandfreak)

FHM Germany tests whether men would do a blue frogwoman.

(click ad) Headline translation: "98 percent of men don't see a frog here." Tagline: FHM. "Men are like that." So, men—what did you see first? Woman? Frog? Freaky frogwoman? An ex? The meaninglessness of existence? I don't know how a juvenile repurposing of the Rorschach ink blot test (a common ad visual trick) sells FHM, but Deutsche mags do certainly seem obsessed with animal love. (image via) Previously in stupid sexual men's magazine ads: Disgusting, drooling men for FHM India. Straight-up misogyny for German edition of Men's Health. Homophobia for VIP, a Brazilian lad mag. Related: The Horshack Rorschach.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: UK anti-cannabis spot.

Well, at least they call the drug by its correct name. Other than that, the commercial is shite. (link)

Link Haze, 2/13/09.

• This is...an insane spot.
• This is...a big-ass kite.
• on craigslist: free downed weather balloon, with bones inside.
• Robert Mugabe's campaign reelection poster urged: "It's now time for us to enjoy the gains of our independence." Or, at least, it's time for Robert to do so.
• The Bedwetting Store's Valentine's Day promotion.
• Black History Month midwest supermarket circular.
• Beef.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ad Creep Update.

Here's one that actually improves the scenery. (link)

Arby's introduces new Melon Burger in Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

(click ad) Or, rib balloon sandwich. The possible stupid titaphors here are endless. Arby's spent $375,000 to place this single page ad teasing upcoming menu items in SI's annual mook masturbation manual. CNBC's "sportsbiz" reporter is impressed because the ad made him stop and read all the copy. Eat at Arby's often do you, Darren? Taking an ad maker/ad critic/ad teacher's bigger picture look at the ad, yes, let's all applaud yet another marketing effort that reduces women—this time literally—to pieces of meat.
Previously in the gratuitous objectification of women in advertising: one, two, three, four, five, six, etc.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: anti-smoking ads via India.

There are so many ways to show that smoking=BAD. This is about the strangest I've ever seen. (link)

Young Sir Dick is hot for your money.

(click ad to make Branson's package bigger) Ad for Virgin Money, the financial services arm of the Virgin Group, via Sydney, Australia ad agency Bulldozer. Nice socks, Richard. Putting the CEO in the advertising is often a very bad idea. But, putting a cheesy old pic of the CEO lustfully staring down the cleavage of a blond with pokies (hopefully she's his 2nd and current wife, Joan Templeman) in a money ad during a world recession? I do not have a response. Except, at least he's not getting his dick licked like Dov Charney. (image via) Previously in CEOs in advertising.

Equal Rights March Aborted By MaGriffe Perfume.

(click ad, from a 1972 Mademoiselle) You wake up and shower, but don't wash your hair. You leave your fuck-me wedges in the closet and slip on your new Earth shoes, a faded tie-dye t-shirt and loose bell bottoms. Your big placard reads "EQUALITY FOR WOMYN!!!" You're angry, and proud. You're at the front of the 1,000-strong pack. Suddenly from your left, downwind, a man who looks like Lee Majors ambles up to you and grabs your placard with one hand and your ass with the other. You're pissed, but aroused. Then, you remember...damn you MaGriffe! Your protesting day is over. Your liberating evening is about to begin. (image: flickr—sugerpie honeybunch)
Previously in retro sexist ads: one, two, three.

Samsung i450 Music Phone empties heads of evil.

(click ads) Well, that's quite a product benefit—music goodness goes in ears, general badness exits head. But what if bin Laden is digging Death Metal? Or Bush keeps shuffling his Panzerfaust playlist? Among the acts in Bush's brain are Michael Jackson, Elvis, The Beatles, Dolly Parton (back, middle location), and Boy George (snicker, lower back). I don't recognize any of the talent in Osama's head, though the chesty belly dancer stands out. Campaign by the New Delhi office of ad agency Cheil Worldwide. (images via) Previous bin Laden in ads. Previous Bush in ads. Previous music stars in ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: An Absolut World Of No Money.

Absolut has become the Dalai Lama of alcohol brands. In a new video, they envision a world where kindness replaces currency. What a beautiful, absolutely idiotic thought. (link)

Body by Milk...and Primobolan...and Testosterone.

(click ad to read) Here is The Most Disingenuous Athlete In The History Of Sports™ wearing his big performance-enhanced pants in a 2006 Got Milk ad. Cows are fed steroids these days, right? Anyway as a suffering Mariners fan, watching A-Roid's career crash and burn since SI nailed his juicing ass has been pure fucking joy. Now, barring a voiding of his contract, he's the Yankees' problem for the next NINE YEARS. He'll continue the new Bomber tradition of Cheating. Alex? To help you get through this trying season, why don't you soak yourself in Derek Jeter's Driven cologne before every game? It'll smell like Victory. Previously in Baseball Promos.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: PETA visits Westminster dog show.

They're at MSG, handing out fliers dressed as Klansmen. Here's the terrible flier. (link)

(nsfw) MTV's old-timey porn AIDS awareness ads.

(click ads) "Except for AIDS, nothing has changed" reads the dubious, strategically-placed headline on these flaccid attempts at shockvertising via MTV Brazil. Seriously, what was your real goal with these, MusicTeleVision? To promote condom usage, or to see how cool your logo looked over sepia sluttiness? (images via) Previously in Vintage Porn. Previously in MTV Ads.

Flame-broiled contextual advertising.

(click to enlarge) I smell dead people. Thanks to Montreal copywriter Tina Weyland for sending this beaut of a contextual ad embarrassment for Burger King's inexplicably popular gag fragrance Flame. "With a hint of flame-broiled meat," indeed. Captured on Saturday, when the the death toll from the Australian bush fires was much lower than the latest estimate of over 200. Previously in Contextual Ad Oopsies.

Doggone Sick Ambient Advertising For Pet Insurance.

(click image to view the fake tragedies) Oopsie doggie! The location is Santiago, Chile. The advertiser is Ripley and the product is pet insurance. Don't know if the fake dogs are fake jumping from one of Ripley's offices, or what. But, uh, THANKS for the macabre, ultra-tasteless reminder that accidents happen, you fucking sickos. (image via) Previously in Just Wrong ambient advertising.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Rowenta vacuum cleaner

It's an ad with a fucking duck in it. It's Monday. (link)

Link Haze, 2/06/09.

• London snow penises. (link)
• Michael Phelps' bong costs about $150. (link)
• The seven-fingered baby has become the seven-fingered man. (link)
• Capital One billboard gets Greenspanned. (link)
• Black velvet Joe the Plumber. (link)
• Fat Joe is better than 50 Cent. (link)
• The best mugshot ever taken. (link)
• This best music video ever made.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: BamBranding!

Everybody's doing it! Everybody should be doing it! (link)

Fun, Stupid, Who Gives A Sh*t Whether They Work Or Not, Sci-Fi Channel Posters.

(click posters) To kick off a new Friday feature—that'll probably last one week—called Lovebot Friday (girlfriend of one of my notorious hatebots), here's a couple of posters via Saatchi & Saatchi in Milan, Italy for the Sci Fi Channel. Aren't they peachy keen? (images via) Previously in stuff I don't hate.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Kit Kat.

This may be the best website in the history of the www... (link)

London Crisis Organization's CardboardBedStreetvertising.

(click image) A good long piece of cardboard is gold to the outdoor-sleeping homeless. Hopefully, curious Londoners didn't snatch up any of the 30 of these handmade street ads that were strewn on city sidewalks by crisis.org.uk during the recent storm. No, nothing snarky to say...except, well, Minnesota thinks you Brits are a bunch of poofs. (image via) Previously in Kenneth Cole thinks homelessness is punny.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: F*CK YOU, PEPTO-BISMOL.

Seriously, FUCK. YOU. (link)

70s men's socks ad will burn your eye sockets.

(click ad, if you dare) "You're looking at a revolution..." begins the copy. Luckily, this revolution was apparently unsuccessful. The image is filled with chilling Disturbia, but the black man's unashamed pose takes the prize (image via Retrospace. thanks to Brian Cain for the tip.). Previously in disturbing 1970s ads. Previously in disturbing retro men's socks ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Scholl Odour Attack

These print ads have only shoes and a product shot in them. Yet, they're good. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ad Creep Update...

FUCK!!! Your car's damaged! Or is it? (link)

Sergei Knows Cervixes.

(click ad) Fellow copywriter Scamp in London recently spotted this public service bus advert for cervical cancer screening. At the website, you can see short video clips of dreamy Sergei (probably not his real name) and other hunky UK men pretending to be certified cervix crackerjacks. Not explained at the website—the freaky-ass type treatment on the "be cervix savvy" line. Women: do hunky pitch men make you more apt to get yourself checked?
Previous hoo-ha related ads, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.