Link Haze, 5/29/09.

• Subdivision art.
• Pussy energy drink.
• A potato in every pot.
• Richie Rich and his dickie dick.
• American Apparel loves XXX, but fucks X.
• Butt-naked gods of Australian rules football.
• Vatican Radio now accepting ads. Trojan Man!
• "Turn your head towards the camera. More. More. MORE."

Portuguese Ministry of Health mocks double amputees.

(click ads) OK, not really. But these phun-with-Photoshop print ads from a new campaign promoting exercise are—while inventive—maybe a bit too creepy, especially coming from a government organization? Headline: "Sedentary people can't run away from diseases. Exercise." No, but Senhor Sedentary can be wheeled away from them. And at least these inert freaks always bring their own chairs to meetings. Take note of how the two are, well, not the most attractive two people in Portugal. Laziness is next to ugliness, good citizens (images via). Previously in: scary Photoshop phun.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: iD footwear.

Meet the Footheadz crew, yo. (link)

report from the typing pool...

(click ad, via)
previously in: 1950s ad sexism.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Nobody's Children Foundation.

Beat your kids, break your kids. (link)

Swine Fluvertsing—Mexico City edition.

(click image) Previous stops on the H1N1 manipulation viral marketing tour: Sydney and Manhattan. Here, Grupo Imagen, a grande Mexican media conglomerate, recently handed out these logo-branded blue and white masks with the heartfelt message "We do not need to kiss each other to feel our breath." Took the words right out of my mouth. The press note says the life-saving masks were handed out near subway stations, and that all 5,000 were gone in less than 30 minutes. It's a beautiful world (via).

SI uses faux covers to posit they ain't just scores and swimsuits.

(click ads to read) Print ads for Sports Illustrated via South Africa that rather dubiously try to reposition the magazine as the Mother Jones of sports publications. Hey, Hitler moves product, baby! No matter that SI didn't start publishing until 1954, this is the cover they would have run with. They also would have been all over the Stephen Biko story if he had played a little football on the side. Here's the third ad from the campaign. Previously in sports magazines: geezerJock? Yes, geezerJock.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Spa sparkling water.

It's so violently sparkling, it's like a bar fight in your mouth. Literally. (link)

(sorta NSFW) Hair of the infected dog.

(click ads to see if you can find your name in the pubes) Brazilians are apparently not popular in Belgium. Poster ads promoting Staying Alive, MTV's global HIV and AIDS awareness and prevention campaign. Previously, the foundation questionably used chewing gum as a metaphor for casual sex. Now, graphic reminders that our love lives are tangled webs of woo (and maybe, woe). Funny note: someone at either MTV or Antwerp ad agency Duval Guillaume is a racy rascal—In the male ad, you'll find the name "Diddy" at about 10 o'clock (images via).
Previous MTV safe sex ads: the (alleged) sex lives of Mick & Madonna. AIDS awareness raised via vintage old-timey porn.

cowboy riding a pheasant sells juice drink.

Another London ad agency. Another fucking weird giant animal fruit drink spot. Previously, Mother hatched Rubberduckzilla for Oasis fruit drink. Now, CHI & Partners unleashes a giant, bucking CGI pheasant for Drench juicy spring water. Because, why the bloody hell not? If a giant lemur can entice wankers to try online gambling...

Anti-domestic violence ads swing wildly, don't connect.

(click ads to read copy) Graphic but dumb poster ads targeting men for the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence. It's not "acceptable" to treat a woman like a punching bag? Ya sure? Me thinks much punchier wording than that is needed. And, I'm confused: is that hanging piece of meat image referring to sexism, or to the fact that sometimes boxers (well, Rocky) train by pounding on animal carcasses? And what a clunky headline: "It's not acceptable to treat a woman like one." Like what? A woman? Well, not surprisingly, the ads were created by men. previously in domestic violence ads: Portugal—domestic violence awareness raised by fake blood soap dispensers. UK—Keira Knightley gets the shit kicked out of her. NYC—Eat your vegetables. Finish your homework. Respect women.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Maille Dijon Mustard.

Next stop on the worldwide Obama ad exploitation tour: Montreal. (link)

Link Haze, 5/22/09.

• Jockstrap font, via.
• A rarity: good bank ads.
• Eaton Beaver's birthday.
• The world leader of cute.
• Very cool folded paper art.
• Richard Simmons shits in Brooklyn.
• Virgin America street art. Not smart.
• Digital ads on NYC buses. Not bright.
• Mt. Rushmore is often abused in ads. This is the worst ever.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: O.K. condoms.

This is...a strange ad. (link)

One of the best ad things I've ever seen.

(click image) Nice giveaway item by Iams, via Saatchi & Saatchi Sydney. Their entire ad budget should be spent on producing billions of these perfectly-branded toys and then getting distribution into every pet food store in the world so that they would eventually get into the mouths of almost every able-bodied dog on the planet. This is social media.
Previously in dog products advertising: Funny. Evil. Horrific.

Is she, or isn't she?

(click image)
Fashion "shoot" via, where else? flickr American Apparel fans. Wonder where these edgy exhibitionists got their inspiration from? Previous flickr AA fan creations: French actress boobies matchbook (nsfw).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Olympus.

A camera that instantly freezes animals to death. (link)

How to advertise Global Warming awareness on YouTube.

So simple. Zero budget. This won't win the YouTube Cannes Young Lions ad contest for Oxfam because it doesn't use splatter porn or some such silly sensational nonsense. That's a shame. Via Y&R Interactive Israel & Mizbala (via). Same idea, not nearly as well executed, is also currently being used by Greenpeace. Probably—hopefully—it's a coincidence and wasn't stolen. previously in global warming marketing: one, two, three.

Hitler still moving product, baby.

(click ads) Blitzkrieg marketing! Previously, Adolf imagery has been used to hawk HP flash drives in India, humor magazines in Belgium, condoms in Düsseldorf, and men's hats in Bonn. Here, fun fake Führers playfully help sell Rasayana anti-stress tea in Turkey, via Istanbul agency Art Grup. Line: "Make peace with the world" (too late!). Digging that casual shirt, though the Iron Cross on the collar is obviously Photoshopped on (images via).

Workout apparel brand suggesting women are genetically p*ussies?

(click ads to read) She-RaRaRa! "Defy Genetics?" "Enjoy giving fate the finger?" Print ads out of Sydney, Australia for Skins-She workout clothing depicting "Allison" (left) and "Ursula" beating the absolute shit out of scores of their previous puny self. Just a tad over the top, yes? Think I'm overreacting? Think of these ads with men in them, instead. Still, I guess it's better to kill yourself for yourself than for a man. And these two could definitely take these Aussie metrosexuals (images via). previously in: sexist fitness ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Dream Job.

Spot with a Brazilian guy kvetching about his job as a massage therapist for models. (link)

nice package.

(click images) Bulging shopping bag for Tom of Finland, previously notably for creative Pipe- and Pole-vertising (agency: Ogilvy Paris. images via). previous racy promos: S&M magazine Massad spankvertising. Museum of Sex blowjob balloons.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Sonntagszeitung.

Another Swiss newspaper dares to mock our beautiful new president. (link)

YEAH, T*TS!! Oh...

(click image) To trick horny men into possibly donating to help 11,000 breast cancer patients purchase implants, Thai ad agency High Bangkok came up with these sexist interactive posters. "Take her bra off!" screams the lines on the cups. Once you did, you were met with—not boobies—but a phone number and a plea (here, translated to English for publicity purposes) to give to the Imitation Breast Project—a program "by women for women" sponsored by ThaiTV3. The ends justifies the means, I guess (image via).
previously in sexist ambient ads: one, two.

Your clothes can never be too black, and you, too skinny.

(click ads) Hey fat people? Everybody knows you look a little less fat in all black. So keep your extensive black wardrobe blacker longer with new Cheer Dark. Along with your new fatty-safe Vespa, Misshapes haircut, and chicly radical Williamsburg address, it'll help with your slow metamorphosis into a bony-ass hipster/artist (images via).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Wam hair removal.

Complete and utter senselessness, via Japan. (link)

If you have a fetish for the little hairs on a woman's ass, then these are the jeans ads for you.

(click ads, perv) Ass crack in fashion ads is of course nothing new. Here, nothing came between these models and their new Zero Degree women's slim-fit jeans. In fact as you can see, the contents of their back pockets have left (Photoshopped) imprints on their ass cheeks. I don't know how many pairs of tight jeans these will sell, but the company could definitely sell a few million of these posters to college boys the world over. Via South African ad agency Euro RSCG. Here's the third ad from the campaign, featuring a frontal shot. previous stops on the Worldwide Gratuitous Ad Ass Tour: the Côte d'Azur. Berlin. Munich. London. Brazil. Guatemala. America. TriBeCa. And NoHo.

Swine Flu hysteria exploited to sell infectious Australian TV show.

(click billboard) I've got to give it to Sydney "creative collective" The Glue Society. If you're going to irresponsibly prey on humans' illogical flu fears, you might as well make it look completely official and scarily authentic. Chaser's War On Everything is a popular Aussie sketch comedy show that begins airing again on May 27th. I like the easily overlooked "caution advertisement" at the top of the board. Nice touch. (via: CR blog) previous stops on the scary billboard worldwide tour: Eliot Spitzer mocked by big condom in NYC. Anti-global warming in Chile. Kill Bill in New Zealand. And anti-pollution AssholeVertising in China.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: ISHR.

Ever wanted to see someone smash a cake in the face of Robert Mugabe or King Jong-il? Now, thanks to ad retouching magic, you can. (link)

Link Haze, 5/15/09.

• Air Sex.
• Like E, I like birds.
• Robot Jackson Pollock.
• Photoshopped anorexic models.
• Is he the world's richest asshole?
• "Girls are not considered" for the Walt Disney training school.
• Not feeling cheery today.

Pieces of Assvertising we can all get behind.

(click image) Cheeky Green billboards From China(!)—pollution asshole of the planet. These are from last year, but new to me. Placed by the Green Family Youth Association of Environmental Protection to protest the rampant dumping in China's rivers and streams (via CMM News). previously in Assvertising: Massad S&M magazine Spankvertising. Lush's naked girlrilla Tushvertising. Silk Soft TP Sphinctertising. Perrier's Thongvertising. And Webcargo's talking Buttvertising.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Russian Ice vodka.

Just about the coolest, most irresponsible liquor ad visual you'll ever see. (link)

Five-story CK jeans orgy outside my office.

(click image to enlarge further) Calvin, that's a bit much, even for downtown. Poor floor dude, left to self-pleasure. Though, all four of them are probably gay. Previous obnoxious five-story billboards outside my office: The G-Star Glory Hole. The Svedka lesbian Fembot. Fuck You, Tiffany Santa. Materializing Madonna. Floating Kylie Minogue head. Topless shivering Kate Moss. And...G-Star and CK models compete for my masturbatory attention.

Support Reporters Without Borders, and you'll be helping to put an end to international daycare violence.

Makes absolute perfect sense, right? Because murderous despots are nothing more than big evil children. "This is Reporters Without Borders reporting live from the playpen of Zimbabwe, where everything is hunky-dory—at least when our never-lying cameras are rolling." (via) previously in CauseVertising.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Orangina.

Have you ever seen a rollerblading giraffe/girl sniff a hot guy's ass? Soon, you'll be able to answer 'yes' to this question. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Global Coalition for Peace.

In these too-clever anti-Iraq War posters, US tanks and soldiers and fighter planes shoot themselves. (link)

...for sewer-rattling bowel movements.

(click ad) Ha—how hilariously disgusting! Take Dulcolax laxative, and your subsequent defecation will scare the shit out of the subterranean rats. Nice artwork. Ad via Paris agency Callegari Berville Grey. French toilet humour! (via). Previously in bowel movement advertising:
Foghorn Leghorn sez: get screened for colon cancer. This is your asshole without Kellogg's All-Bran. Finland vs. the USA—Colon Ad War. Hemorrhoid cream is like slathering a glacier/waterfall into your burning starfish. And my brilliant beano jingle.

Get it? Jones Trading is the ARROW.

(click ad) Invest in lemon futures? "Liquidity experts since 1975," Jones Trading—with this confidence-inspiring ad scanned from the June Bloomberg Markets —seems to be saying...when life gives you a decimated portfolio, make broke-ade. Or something. Ad by CEO's grandson.
previous bad metaphor investment ads: MIG's Photoshopped five bulls ad and Photoshopped five bears ads. State Street sez watch for charging Rhinos and collapsing bridges. And, Morgan Stanley asks if you know the difference between a balloon and a goat.

Drinking skim milk instantly Photoshops the fat right off your face.

(click ads) Hey Fatty Face, suck in those chipmunk cheeks. Print ads for Al Maraei Trim skim milk by Leo Burnett Jeddah in Saudi Arabia. If that already unhealthy-looking woman takes one more sip, she's gonna turn into a wraith. Mildly clever retouching concept that's unfortunately unoriginal (via).
previously in scary Photoshop: Statutory Rape awareness ads with d-cupped 13-year-olds. The most sexist beer ads ever produced. Faces smooshed by breasts in Japanese bra ads. Axl Jesus Christ Rose. And the GPS finger of death.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Oasis fruit drink.

It's Rubberduckzilla. (link)

Gisele Bündchen is a more visually appealing Black Mamba, says Sky Brazil.

(click ad) The Boobs from Brazil is the face and body of a just-launched campaign for Sky's HDTV service. Babelfish translation on the Portuguese headline: "Films as you never saw." For those of you who haven't seen the Kill Bill films, Gisele is dressed as Uma Thurman's deadly character Beatrix Kiddo, codename Black Mamba—though with the wrong color Onitsuka Tiger sneaks. Quite the Hanzo sword slash to the face, eh Uma? Below is a two-minute spot from the campaign (via comunicadores). previously in supermodels: mini-Naomi Campbell terrorizes sleeping maid. Video of bikini-clad supermodels playing with fatty meats. BG model turns sideways, disappears. related: Kill Bill billboard a bloody mess.

Link Haze, 5/08/09.

• Punctuation Cindy Crawford.
• Lutherans offer eternal fire insurance.
• It's like a fireman came in your mouth.
• The sublimity of humanity, via YouTube.
• New Coke spot by Mother London is on acid.
• Getting out of jury duty just takes a little creative writing.
• White castle advertises new pulled pork Slyder in Jerusalem Post.

PENAL SPERM.

(click ad) Hey, it's been over two fucking weeks since I posted a condom ad. Quite a dry period. So, here's a new one for Olla, via Brazil. I'm assuming that thing that looks like a hot testicle is a female egg? The creative liberties taken with scale are confusing me. Poor Spermy. No conjugal visits for him. For you sexual anthropologists, this post has a link to just about every condom ad I've reviewed in the last four years.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Charity SA.

These are about the most disgusting ads I've ever seen. Go look at them! (link)

Chocolate Bar loyalty card.

The Chocolate Bar here in Manhattan (just reopened in the West Village, according to their website) calls itself the "candy store for grown-ups." I've never been, but have heard that it's heaven for chocoholics. Here (click image), via ad agency Grey NYC, is a tasty little piece of truth in advertising. Every purchase is recorded with a punched tooth. After 16 cavities, you get a free chocolate (image via).
previously in local promos: the NYC condom—Get Some! Ricola's ill-conceived million-dollar mystery cougher campaign. Museum of Sex bursts its blowjob balloons. I-banker boot camp—HOO-AH!!! The Target bus (boom). The NYC Office of Emergency Management thinks they're funny.