Link Haze, 2/26/10.

• Free Tilikum!
• Glowing shoes.
• "Eat Caviar" handbag.
• Funny Corn Pops spot.
• Taylor Swift tranny face.
• Classic UK seat belt spot.
• Cute "www" spot via Israel.
• TMZ says this (nsfw) is a viral Reebok ad.

Gold's Gym uses Twitter/Facebook references to mock fatties.

(click ads, via) Loose headline translation: "What you leave out of Twitter/Facebook, put it into Gold's Gym." Well, since sitting on your ass and Twittering and Facebooking all goddamn day will make you fat, these ads are kinda meta. Whatever, it's fucking Friday. Via San José, Costa Rica ad agency jotabequ Grey. Previous ad mocking Facebook: Tzomet Sfarim bookstores. Previously in: Gym Ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Carte Noire coffee.

This building wrap ad via Russia, weighing in at five TONS, is the biggest ad ever erected, I believe. (link)

Comedy=Tragedy+Time+Toyota.

(click ad, via) Too soon? The Japanese automaker's "sudden-acceleration" problem has caused 30+ deaths so far. Dansk Port Teknik is a garage door company in Thorsager, Denmark. The Copenhagen office of worldwide mega ad agency JWT thought that these two things should be merged into a little ad award-bait print execution. It probably ran once in a local free car seller.

Previous controversial ads:
• A roundup of 9/11 exploitation ads.
• The Gold Medal for worst contextual ad in Olympics history.
• Bacardi says the hot summer accessory is an ugly girlfriend.
• Israeli cellular company solves West Bank crisis with a soccer ball.

The Underwood Deviled Ham devil used to be much eviler.

(click images, vintage one via)
Today, smiling, waving.
Yesteryear, snarling, threatening.
Previously: first Pepsi can looked like it held WD-40.

(nsfw) The girlie promo calendar maybe becoming too pervasive.

(click images, via) Pirelli—the original—of course, does it. (scumlord Terry Richardson shot this year's [very NSFW]) Budget airline Ryanair does it. Even an Italian coffin builder does it. Can you guess who this Russian 2010 calendar is for? The Moscow Symphony Orchestra would be a logical answer, but an incorrect one. No, these soaked "horny" (*snicker*) women were photographed for Gross, a Russian plumbing supplies company. I guess they thought naked ladies holding pieces of pipe would've been over-the-top phallic. This is artsier.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Haute Couture from DHL.

This is what has been missing from the runways this winter: dresses made of packaging materials. (link)

scary Photoshopped Handvertising of the week.

(click ad, via) Art directors love digitally fucking with the human body, especially faces and hands. Previously, we've seen: HIV awareness ads featuring lovers with 12 hands; McDonald's fries made from human hand fat; and the Seat Exeo GPS finger of death. Now, for a speciously-named Thai hand sanitizer called "Jermrid," microscopic germs made of hands, I guess. By the Bangkok office of McCann. Here's some previous even scarier hand sanitizer ads featuring kittens and hamsters Photoshopped to look like crossiants and muffins. Also: hand sanitizers don't work.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Eyelab.

I just really hate my job, most days. (link)

No Shredded Wheat in the house? Then, don't have kids.

(click ad, via) Population control, via cereal company. It's either Shredded Wheat, or a sexless marriage (or condoms, I suppose). The copy is classic:
"You can't build sturdy boys and girls out of corn or oats or white flour bread or pastries (true). A Shredded Wheat Biscuit supplies all the energy needed for work or play, for children or grown-ups, for invalids or athletes (well that covers everybody)."
Previously humorous retro cereal ads:
• Trix.
• Grape-Nuts.
• Sugar Smacks.

Fashion Shoot Of The Week.

(click images, via) D-I-C-K-E-Y...from the latest issue of L'Officiel Hommes magazine, Brazilian model Arthur Sales, in a shoot by Milan Vukmirovic entitled "we could be heroes," dresses up shirtless as the icon of Disney and then grabs his cock with Mickey hands. Previous Fashion Shoot Of The Week.

Ameriprise makes up stupid ad word. It is stupid.

(click ad, scanned from Fortune) Mile-pebbles? "America's leader in financial planning" has apparently abandoned its stupid retired executives inexplicably standing on red Eames chairs outside somewhere campaign. Now: doofy terms in cutesy purple type. Confidence-inspiring.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Korea Sexual Violence Relief Center.

Nobody puts baby in a vagina corner. (link)

The craziest, child-porniest chocolate milk ad in history.

(click ad, via) Give you children Cocomalt (of Hoboken!), with vitamin D, three times a day, Mom. Otherwise, you'll have to send them out sledding in only their diapers and sun hats. Or send them to the Sun Lamp Lab of the evil Doctor Molesto. Previously in disturbing vintage ads:
• A most disturbing dishwasher ad.
• The rapey Broomsticks slacks ads.
• Suffocate babies with Cellophane®.
• Lucky's fat tar-colored doppelgängers.

Forced prostitution awareness ad features Hott S&M barbed wire pantyhose.

(click ad, via) The ad is for the Israel Women's Network, via the Tel Aviv office of McCann Erickson. A creative bit of art direction, yes. But visualizing the problem in such a sexually suggestive manner, is I think, not the smartest strategy. Here's three previous stops on the Worldwide Sex Trafficking Ad Tour:
• cinemas in London.
• supermarket meat cases in Luxembourg.
• airport luggage conveyor belts in Germany.
• sleazy print ads via Singapore.

"Take it on the run, baby..."

(click ad, via) Was it pronounced R-E-O, Ray-o, or Rio, I wonder? Middle notes of Tom Ford's Tom Ford, with hints of Bear, and a base of Glory Hole. Look closely, and you'll see a bottle on Gay Bob's closet shelf. Official fragrance of the Muddy Yorkers. Combine it with that free "custom designed" 24Kt-plated logo pendant, and boy oh boy, 80s boy-toys were powerless in your presence.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Mega Millions.

Win the lottery. Buy the Statue of Liberty. But then what? (link)

GIANT F*CKING CLEAVER TRAIN CROSSING WARNING.

(click image, via) Translation: "Don't be reckless. Stay safe." DeathVertising via Indonesian Railways. From the agency press note:

"People clearly receive a relevant message in an unexpected way and it grabs many attentions. The giant cleaver made drivers stop when the alarm is on as the gate moving down. It has been a breakthrough..."

Gotta be pretty damn tempting to break right through that fucking thing. Via Jakarta ad agency Euro RSCG Adwork. Previously in scary fucking ambient advertising:
• Dead dogs.
• Puking drunk chicks.
• Sphincter TP dispenser.
• Naked little women in the supermarket meat case.

Link Haze, 2/19/10.

• FAIL.
• Dreaming of a bigger package?
•The American dream? Fake cheese.
• Aliens hate us because of your SUV.
• Blackface is the new Black in fashion.
• New Yorkers should not be allowed to have dogs.
• metroPCS hires graffiti writers to tag their stores.
• Secret Soviet document: how to disable Stealth jets—a shovel and pebbles.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Kitadol.

Once again, an all-male creative team has created a PMS-related ad. It features a Mexican wrestler. (link)

Gay rugby team sez "you go right ahead and drop the soap."

(click ad, via) Muddy York is a 40-member (shut-up) gay rugby club that competes in the Toronto Rugby Union "against predominantly straight teams." The poster is currently up in a few locations in Toronto's gay village, according to GJP copywriter Lino DiNallo, who's also a player on the club. This will make some heteros' butts squirm, but pretty funny, and good clean fun.
Previously in gay marketing:
• Bud tells gays OK to be gay.
• McDonald's ad subtext: You Gay Sluts.
• Use a condom. Protect your Chihuahua.
• Daffy's ad references former NJ governor Jim McGreevy.

It's your pubic duty to get an eco shopping bag.

(click image, via) One nit: as anyone who's dad collected old Playboy mags knows, that 60's depiction is waaay not bushy enough.
Previously in PubesVertising:
• Tom Fords a Valley.
• V is for Vagina Victory.
• That's some feather duster.
• Naughty Nads™—Twat The Hell?
• HIV awareness: your name written in pubes.

Bulging HUNG Billboard Hangs Over Auckland.

(click image, via) I've been getting a few complaints about posting too much Boobvertising lately. So: time for a Dickvertising update. The HBO show is just now making its New Zealand debut on TVNZ's channel one. To promote it, Auckland ad agency Collenso BBDO hung this impressive wad of a board. Nice one. Previous Hung ad: fake Hung escort ad in Time Out New York.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Pantytime from American Apparel.

Check out the latest sleazy video pants-optional CEO Dov Charney has patted the Robertson to. (link)

And the Gold Medal for worst contextual ad in Olympics history goes to...

(click images) ...the Chartered Accountants of Canada. These scans are from Tuesday's edition of the Globe & Mail. The article appeared on the bottom of page O12, the ad appeared directly across the spread on the bottom of O13. Now, this ad was of course conceived well before the accident. But since Kumaritashvili died last Friday, CA certainly had time to pull it. I guess they didn't quite anticipate it looking like an editorial photo accompaniment to the story, complete with gut-wrenching caption. Jesus.
Previously in: tragic contextual ads.
Related: it's 9/11—clap your hands say yeah!

copyranter on The Awl: Odd Man Rush.

For the none of you who are hockey fans, I've started writing a weekly column for media site The Awl titled "Odd Man Rush." This week, I briefly introduced their smart readers to the best two players in the game. (link)

(NSFW) Just in case you somehow haven't seen this...

With 14 million+ views, that's not likely. But I just saw it last week. From 2006, it's the funniest language school spot ever, via The Netherlands by the Amsterdam office of Y&R. If you're at work, blast it. Previous language school ads:
• Berlitz language center exploits Obama.
• Britney Spears helps old Russian ladies learn English.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Texting and Driving PSA.

Don't do it, dummy. You could get blood on your cell phone. (link)

Today in unfortunate graphic design.

Separately, just a couple of generic jazz dancers. But together, they create boobilicious magic. Even more unfortunate that it's an ad for kids' dance classes. Could be fake, but I choose to believe (via adme.ru, where you can see more unintentionally sexual logos).




Previously in Logos:
—Global Warming logos: bad to brainless.
—The painted naked body logos of Galderma.
—The War on Terror's Terrifyingly Terrible Logo.
—The most Douche ever splattered on a polo shirt.

I really don't like posting cutesy ads, but...

(click ads, via) ...sometimes, they catch me in a less-fuming mood. Nicely art-directed campaign for Sandisk 16GB flash drives. The Elvis execution is actually a very good ad. The ship/bottle one is much weaker. I wish Nolin BBDO Canada would have pushed the idea more to get more ads like the Elvis one. OK, I gotta go out into the hall to scream and fart this Cute of my system.
Previous Cutesy ads:
—The cutest business card ever.
—The cutest promotional item ever.
—Never let their toys die, or else...
—Durex's boinking balloon bunnies.
—Adult boutique entices with pervy stuff animals.
—New Zealand Army recruits with Tetris imagery.
—State Street's puppy dog would never eat your investment.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: sex trafficking awareness

New cinema spot, via the UK. It's quite graphic. (link)

Today in: body parts stupidly made to look like boobs.

(click ad, via) Last week, in a remarkably similar-looking ad from halfway round the world, two shaved male heads were manipulated to look like an ample rack in the name of promoting breast cancer awareness. Here, via the Bangkok office of McCann, knees are made to look like knockers in a questionable attempt to sell Dermacare body lotion—"for sexier knees." I don't at all get the placement of the toes (fingers?) to create the illusion of nipples. In fucking Thailand, everything is sex. Even the cookies flash you.
Previous BoobsVertising:
—RACK 'EM!
—DD-B, literally.
—Jugs of Campari.
—These Japanese muffins are the tits!
—Arby's introduces the Mellon Burger.

Anthropomorphised box of Grape-Nuts wearing gladiator sandals.

(via) No posting today, in honor of the Executive branch of the US government. And Euell Gibbons (RIP) and the edible cattail, which I bet tastes better than Grape-Nuts. Previous retro cereal ads:
—Set Phaser to SMACK.
—Trix Are For (severely depressed 5-year-old) Kids.

Link Haze, 2/12/10.

• A great man died.
• Bail bonds spot of the week.
• Dick Chicken? Meet Ballz Broccoli.
• Poster boy has a book coming out.
• Vice reviews Kellogg's Krave cereal.
• Fly Turkish airlines...straight into the ground.
• Japanese virgin sex doll with reloadable hymen.
• "Accidentally come across (eww) Child Pornography?"
• Sorry, the Dennis Hopper windup toy thing is sold out.
• Poster from the Diesel Be Stupid campaign gets edited.
• Vote for the next NYC condom wrapper design. Manhole wins.
• Gilbert Gottfried hawks a shoehorn. He should be pitching the Fleshlight.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: U&L boutique.

Via Montreal, this is the best retail fashion commercial I've seen in maybe ever. (link)

Booby Heads for Breast Cancer Awareness.

(click ad, via) I honestly don't understand why the Lima office of Y&R created these smooth noggin tits for the local office of Liga Contra el Cancer (League Against Cancer). But this is apparently a real ad that has been published. Are they chemo heads? Are all their doctors stylishly shaved bald? Please help me, comment. Previous Breast Cancer Awareness ads:
—Yeah TITS! oh.
—Breast cancer blobs attack the streets of New Zealand.
—Bouncing DD cups raise breast cancer awareness, penises.

National Guard sought to create Superbad Superfly Pimp division.

(click ad, via) Those pants? Where do I sign, officer? Ad is from a 1973 issue of Jet. Spend just one weekend a month with the Guard and earn about $40 "for clothes, good times, or anything you want." Like a fly pair of Adidas Superstars, luggage, or a "Monroe" album—which looks an awful lot like a certain Jimi Hendrix album. The National Guard—copyright infringers.
Previous army recruitment ads:
—An army of one model/actress.
—Swedish army's bizarre TV spots.
—UK recruitment ad looks like a body bag.
—Kiwi army seeks a few good Tetris players.

Anti-Piracy Ad Logic FAIL.

(click ads, via) Eve-AHHH!!! WALL-e and Shrek are dead, crushed by your selfish purchase of pirated versions of these Hollywood mega-blockbusters. Except, why have the lovable duo been killed by—not pirated DVDs—but oversized, legal studio issues of the films? Please explain, BIGFlix (India's largest online-offline movie rental service) or Mumbai ad agency Makani Creatives. And frankly, with NYC movie tix at $12-13 a piece, pirate away, pirates. Previously:
MTV produces the most ineffective music piracy ad imaginable.

If you've ever wanted to see sheep surf, you're still SOL.

DOLLY DON'T SURF. The UK's Finisterre, sellers of technical apparel for the surfer, is introducing a line of wool clothing. To help get the word out, they enlisted London agency DLKW to create this fake stunt footage. The director says it was trick shooting (no shit), and that no sheeps were harmed in the production. It is not gnarmax. Sorry, I don't know any English surfer slang (via).
Previous Fake Stunt Videos Of The Week:
Samsung (lame). IBM Thinkpad (lame). MTV (fake dog shit). Diesel (funny). Ray-Ban (boring). Ray-Ban (cow births hipster).

Russia's David Blaine trapped in a block of ice for three days to help sell liquor.

(click image, via) His name is Gennady Palchevskyy (not sure of that spelling). And Belarusian hooch brand Bulbash set up this endurance stunt at the "ProdExpo 2010" trade show apparently going on now in Moscow. As of this post, he's been in the branded frozen cell for about 45 hours (here's a webcam inside the hollowed out block of ice). Doctors and representatives from the "record book of Russia" are monitoring the illusionist. Za vas, comrade Palchevskyy! Related: The Blaine Bubble™ merchandising opportunities.
Previous stupid PR stunts:
—The Ricola mystery cougher.
—The ironic Kleenex tissue tree.
—The Economist mechanical bull.
—PETA bleeds Canadian bus beheading.
—Earth Day treehuggers made of cardboard.
—Cell phone company exploits Mumbai floods.
—To read World Water Day mailer, you had to waste water.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: UK underage drinking.

Let's get pissed playing spin the vodka bottle. (link)

DDT ad of the week.

(click ad, via) 1949 ad for flea powder with dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane, which, in addition to stopping parasites dead, was also found to have killed many species of birds, cats and dogs (and probably babies). Previously:
DDT is good for m•e•e! Brain cancer breast cancer liver cancer whee!!!

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: French Connection.

The fey fashion brand goes aggressively after men via online videos featuring "The Man"—a bearded French asshole. (link)