boom.

I will be celebrating our nation's 230th birthday by blowing up several American flags with M-80s. Thanks to a lone Senator, it will all still be perfectly legal. Well, except for the fireworks part. Don't lose a finger, anybody. Probably back Wednesday. Unless something impossibly urgent falls into my sight/lap/inbox.

K-Fed for K-Swiss.

Celebrity endorsements are stupid (I will deeply examine Catherine Zeta Jones for T-Mobile next week). In fact, I've only ever really liked one (link).
But HEL-FUCKING-LO? K-Swiss, Shoes of Leisure? Meet K-Fed, Man of Leisure. Jesus. It's fucking perfect.

Crunch Invites Me Not To Join Now.

Here (click image), Crunch presents the absolutely #1 inarguably perfect reason NOT to join their overpriced stupid trendy stinky gyms. As Potato #2 says, "It's still (fucking) exercise." It's why actual fun activities like running around the Central Park reservoir or playing catch with a Frisbee® or kicking around a soccer ball or getting into bar fights or simply walking through the City are all far superior to going to a fucking "fitness center." Plus, this campaign insults the Irish. And Idaho. And Mr. & Mrs. Potatohead.

Inside the Puffs® Testing Laboratory.

(click image)
A recent Perry Bible Fellowship strip (archive here. The creator Nicholas Gurewitch's site pbfcomics.com is under construction.) perfectly illustrates the benefits of Qualitative Market Research.

previously:
Murdering Cereal With Marketing

An Army Of One Model/Actress.

Agency Creative Director: OK. You're going off to fight the bad guys in Iraq. So give us Determined plus Concerned plus Hot.
Model/Actress: Why Hot?
Agency Creative Director: Well hon, what the Army really wants with this ad is to stop every goddamn stupid 18-year-old American boy dead in his reading tracks.
Photographer: Have you ever done swinsuit?
Model/Actress: Could you ask my fake Father to stop snickering?
Fake Father: (huh huh) Do you have a myspace page?

UPDATE: Nutty Senator Drops Fluff Snuff Bid.

State Senator and Chairman of the Homeland Security Committee Jarrett Barrios has dropped his bid to ban Fluffernutter sandwiches in school lunchrooms. (story link) Now the idiot lawyer can get back to the less important matters—like homeland security.

previously:
If we don't ban Fluffernutter,
the terrorists will have won.

Below-The-Belt Dating Advertising.

True, endorsed by Psychology Today,
mindfucks men here by telling them
where to "go"—it's just a (c)lick away.

previously:
BREAKING NEWS NOW...
BIKINI KILL

I am 1 today.

copyranter
turns 1.
Who gives a Flying Fuck?

(thank you Google image search. apparently you can purchase one for...2,400 fucking dollars here.)
previously:
Sunday go-to-meeting suit
(my first post)

Cisco kids.

Riiight. Other benefits reaped from installing a Cisco System:
• All employees' shits stinkless.
• ZERO typos.
• Milk never goes bad.
• Bottomless water cooler.
• Boss's memos perfectly comprehensible.

NYC Window Displays—Zamir Furs.

(this is the first in a series of photos of unusual window displays around New York)
(click image)
Welcome to Zamir Furs, on Houston St. Have you walked past the store before? Have you wondered whether the furs on the Barbie®-esque dolls are real? Well, they are. The French woman who answered the phone said, "Ze best thingsz in life are always real..." I didn't ask what kind, though. Rat? Cat? Coyote?

"the rankest compound(s) of villainous smell that ever offended nostril."—Shakespeare

Everlast Eau de Toilette—A base of Sweaty Balls, with top notes of Smelling Salts and Check Wepner's Blood.
Daytona 500 Cologne—Overpowering middle notes of Burnt Rubber and Burnt Flesh with a hint of Death.
previously:
Phew! York
eau de ASS

Taglines are DUMB: Tobacco Edition.

A tobacco company encouraging trueness? That's rich with flavor, RJ Reynolds. And wait a minute. What about Phillip Morris' True brand cigarettes? Logic suggests that their tagline should then be—Be Kool (or Cool?), true? (headache) Goddamnit, I've stumbled upon an enigma wrapped in a clusterfuck surrounded by a...nevermind.
previously:
Taglines are DUMB: Summer Solstice Edition.
Taglines are DUMB: #4.
Taglines are DUMB: NYC Auto Show Edition.
Taglines are DUMB: #3.
Taglines are DUMB: #2.
Taglines are DUMB: #1.

Coming Soon: The Glute Ottoman.

The Ab-lounge. Over 2 million sold. Judging by how Fat America continues to become, I'd say approximately 1.9 million of them have become simply "lounges."

The Balvenie Weenie Motto.

The mouthless Balvenie Weenie has established himself as the Worst Ad Icon ever. Here, Sir Douche has given us one of his incredibly stupid life credos. I think we must add to the stupidity:
• "...Bow tie pasta, bad. Bow tie, good."
• "...Jerking off to pics of 21-year-old women dressed as hedge fund managers in lieu of real sex which I haven't had with a non-hooker in my entire life...good."
• "...I am a fucking boring dick."
Please, add your own in the comments.
previously:
Balvenie Weenie, Cinco de Mayo edition.
The Balvenie Weenie.

It's your regular Friday afternoon 18.5 pound lobster update.

My Dad was a SCUBA diver in the Navy and for 25 subsequent years. He was/is cooler than I am/will ever be. He sold all lobsters he caught wreck-diving for a buck a pound back at the dock. He did keep the crusher claw from this sea monster. My Dad is 6-4. Now look again at the size of the lobster.

USA Soccer Advertising as Creative as USA Soccer Team.

There has been some clever advertising done by this year's World Cup sponsors. Then, there's this Bud print ad. Tired Chant as headline? Check. Floating FIFA World Cup trophy that US team never had a bicycle-kick chance in Hell of getting anywhere near? Check. Hot Ethnically-Mixed Babe smartly representing Bud's keen understanding that World Cup is in fact a World Event? Check.

Dude, chill. It's a CD. Not the Fountain of Youth.

(click image) This cockamamie ad visual comes to us via Ponce De Leon Federal Bank. Now, if this particular businessman had, unlike Juan Ponce, actually discovered the Fountain of Youth, well then that would explain the pictured über-retarded reaction. Because when Mr. Overjoyed hits the ground, some serious life-threatening damage is going to be done to his body.

If we don't ban Fluffernutter, the terrorists will have won.

Massachusetts State Senator Jarrett Barrios wants to introduce legislation banning schools from offering Fluffernutter sandwiches more than once per week (story link).
...
He's a lawyer. He's also chairman of the Public Safety & Homeland Security Committee.
His seat is up for election on September 19th.

Faultless® Douche

Since I'm going to be out of the office this a.m., I'm posting this picture of the Faultless® Douche. Because that phrase perfectly describes 90% of the ad execs in the world ("Campaign didn't work? Not my fault, man. Anyhoo, I'm gonna go get some grub and buy a new Paul Smith shirt.")
Back with updates in the p.m.

Alcoholic Werewolf Quaffs 70,000 Silver Bullets.

Yes, this story is about a month old. And the event itself is a year old. But still. A Utah man drank and discarded 70 Fucking Thousand Beers in his townhouse over an 8-year period. That's comes out to 24 beers a day—ALL COORS LIGHT. Personally, I think this guy was financed by the evil Pete Coors to create a sort of viral (very viral!) performance installation.

Cole Loses Yet Another Battle In War On Words.

(click image)
It's an atrocity, no doubt—the mixing of terrible shoe puns with the War in Iraq. The torturous use of language is reminiscent of Abu Ghraib, though.

previously:
Kenneth Cole's Puns are Re-Hyphen-Tarded.

(taken on Prince, between Broadway & Crosby)

Trump Introduces "Signature" Watch. World Watches And Wonders Why.

Yet another Trump Brand rollout. Look! It's full of shit! And so, so easy to read!

previously:
Time to egest (thank you Roget).

copyranter celeb dish #1

Dennis Miller and JK Simmons are two of the voiceover celebs I've worked with in the last 10 years. One was one of the most endearing, engaging gentlemen to ever step into a sound booth. The other was the most bitter, thankless dickhead to ever make six figures for a couple hours of "work."

American Apparel: Made With Dov.

That American Apparel founder Dov Charney is a skeevy pervert is undisputed; he masturbates in front of reporters, probably fucks his models, etc. That's fine. No problem. Here's the problem: He's very hands-on with his L.A. operation. Which leads one to think that his labels, particularly the ones on the thongs, should read:
99.9% cotton
00.1% Dov

(scanned from Vice)

Law vs. Nature, ad infinitum.

By my count, there are at least three competing corporate law firms out there running near exact animal metaphor print advertising campaigns. Sigh. It’s time for the latest wild kingdom puzzle ad. Ready boys & girls? Here we go. Firstly—I seem to be a common, disease-carrying housefly, right? How flattering! Secondly—the iguana is…an ugly, hungry enemy lawyer? Finally: I guess that leaves your firm as the mason jar (thanks for the air holes, btw. but where’s the grass? food?). I have a couple of questions: 1. How thick is the glass on that jar? 2. What if the judge disallows the mason jar? 3. How much will the mason jar cost me?
previously:
Law Firm Puts Potential Client Behind Bars In Ad.
What is it with law firms and animals?

"Live" "Blogging" "From" Cannes.

This morning I WAS in Cannes, all set to blog the self-fellating proceedings when, from my up-until-that-moment serene hotel balcony, I spied advertising "maven" Donnie Deutsch slogging thusly out of the Bay of Cannes. I am now back in NYC, and you can read all about the festival elsewhere.

previously:
Donnie Deusch Mark!
My "Live Blog" of the Super Bowl Ads

Murdering Cereal With Marketing.

Our agency was once involved in a pitch for a new "cluster-based"cereal from St Louis-based clusterfuck Ralston-Purina. As R-P Ivy MBAs tossed alpha and beta reports at me faster than I could skim them, I discovered that what a cereal actually tastes like is of zero importance to its marketing campaign. Which brings me to the below question from a recent confidential online survey for Honey Bunches of Oats:

You'll have to use your imagination here. Think of the Cereal as if it were to "come to life" as a person. Consider everything you know about the Cereal, including the product's packaging, marketing and advertising. Would that person be . . . ?
A) Someone I'd really like and have a lot in common with
B) Someone I'd like and have a few things in common with
C) Someone I'd get along with ok, but not have much in common with
D) Someone I wouldn't actually dislike, but would have little in common with
E) Someone I wouldn't really like and would have nothing in common with.

Sorry, but my imagination is currently fully occupied with imagining what kind of person would consider this valuable information.
But, if we were talking about the awesome Count Chocula?
A)
Let's update the race to Hell: Marketing MBAs have now pulled even with Real Estate Agents and Corporate Lawyers.
(thanks to JenG from lupec.org for the awesome tip!)

A Texas-Size Crap On The White Space.

(you have to click this image)
In this stupid business, us "creatives" have many catch phrases, a favorite being—Respect The White Space. Brumbaugh's Leather Gallery has a slightly different take on the phrase: Cram Every Product We Sell Plus A Cattle Wrangling Vignette Plus Five Or So Different Typefaces Oh And Don't Forget Our Horsey-Ass Logo Into The White Space. Rawhide, Motherfuckers!
(scanned from Texas Monthly)

Taglines are DUMB, #4.

*That's Marshalls Law.*
Uh. Umm. Well, Pro: You got the company/product name in the slogan, always a good thing. Con: You're referencing military dictatorships (???). Not exactly the feel-good feeling of deep-discount shopping in a free and democratic society.

website: marshallsonline.com
previously:
Taglines are DUMB, NYC Auto Show edition.
Taglines are DUMB, #3.
Taglines are DUMB, #2.
Taglines are DUMB, #1.

"To pass out: perchance to dream."

(click image) Taken at the back counter of Sheeba coffee shop in Amsterdam. After purchase. Before consumption. Of coffee, of course. Good flavor, that White Widow.

The most useless ad page in the history of advertising.

(sorry for the bleed-through. mags are using paper grades slightly above TP these days to save money.)
(click image) You've probably seen the American Express ads with the handwritten profiles of celebrity cardholders Martin Scorsese, M. Night Shyamalan, Tiger Woods, etc. Sometimes, Amex buys the following right-hand page and inserts this blank form. You really think I'm going to—what?—fill it out to maybe better get to know myself? To give to my boss? To hand in to my 4th grade teach Mrs. McKinley? Put it on my fridge? Do I win anything?

PULL KOFI, PULL!

The New York Times has recently allowed advertising—mostly from nonprofits—to be placed in the lower right corner of its hallowed Op-Ed spread. The above visual is from an ad for dontshutdowntheUN.org. The copy reads: "Unless leadership is provided to reconcile differences through respectful diplomacy and compromise, there is a risk of a shutdown of certain UN operations and a serious breach in international relations..."
Gosh, that sounds deadly serious. What better way to illustrate such a potentially calamitous development then with a doofy-ass tug-of-war stock photo?

Topographical Zombie Bono Used to Sell Economical Development in Ireland.

(In an unlikely turn, today—Flag Day—is going to be International Important Stuff Day at copyranter)
For some unfathomable reason, this was the visual (click image) chosen for an IDA (Industrial Development Agency) Ireland ad which ran recently in the Economist. It is a painting by Louis le Brocquy in the National Gallery of Ireland. It is freaky fucking scary. "Move your business to Ireland! See Bono's ghost face come out of your offices' walls!"

one second radio spots

A piece in this week's AdAge reveals that media conglomerfuck Clear Channel is considering offering one-second radio spots, called "Blinks." CC VP-Creative Jim Cook, clearly on the verge of creating a one-second spot in his pants, says "It really is to find new uses of radio for advertisers who are continually asking us to demonstrate that our medium can successfully extend brands, can successfully reach the consumer with touchpoints that are new and surprising." Touchpoints. Nice touch, you marketing lexiconic Douche. The Intel chime and NBC bells are listed among the possible mnemonics. Me, I'm hearing a lot of random, annoying AFLACs in my head right now.
previously:
Duck-Voiced Men Have Needs, Too.

TWAT THE HELL?

Vagina Day is coming, ladies. And you most certainly don't want your guests gossiping about the unruly state of your hedge row. What'll it be (click image)? Landing Strip? Bermuda Triangle? Heart Breaker? Or Thunder Struck (which could easily be misinterpreted as Mark Of Zorro and, personally, would send me flying like lightning out the door)? Investigate further at naughtynads.com.
(scanned from Cosmopolitan)
(thanks to jenna at girlspoke for the tip)

BREAKING NEWS NOW...

Online dating site True has placed an ad on the internet that does NOT feature a woman wearing a bikini. Stay tuned here for further developments as this astounding story unfolds...

previously:
BIKINI KILL

The Unparalleled Hyperbole of NYC Real Estate Advertising.

(all headlines culled from the Sunday New York Times real estate section)
Ian Schager? I invite you to elegantly and effortlessly Kiss My Fucking Ass. All these pearls of prose are from ads selling empty rooms. NYC real estate developers and agents, there's a special room waiting for all of you at the end of your days—a windowless, underground "studio" with neither a doorman nor A/C. It does have a wooden floor though. And wooden walls and a wooden ceiling.
previously:
CLEARLY defining your target audience.

Blamer, Fudge do Lunch.

—Steve Blamer, former CEO of ad agency FCB, and Ann Fudge, former CEO of ad agency Y&R, recently had lunch together at an upscale Manhattan restaurant. I paid a waiter to secretly record their conversation. Here's a transcript snippet:

Blamer: "...Tell me about it. The clients never picked the right campaigns, my VPs were lazy shits, and the new business people targeted the completely wrong industries."
Fudge: "Well, at least you got that eight million dollar golden parachute..."
Blamer: "It's seven million..."
Fudge: "Seven, eight, same difference."

previously:
More Foote Cone & Belding personnel moves

Product Naming For Dummies, #2.

Jesus. Here's some more blindingly idiotic Liquor spinoff names clumsily targeting the Beefy White Frat Brah demo:
• Jägermeister Poker
• Skyy Puuke
• Jack Daniels Maxim
• Cuervo Fight Club

previously:
Product Naming For Dummies.
WHO WOULD NAME A CAR...GREMLIN???

Product Naming For Dummies.

(note: my knowledge of wine could fit into a shot glass)
Being quite tired of all the Misty Vistas, Babbling Brooks, and other such bullshit California wine label names, I was pleased to happen upon this bottle of cabernet sauvignon in a recent issue of Wine X. Ends up it's a newish product from North Lake Wines (Paul Masson, Almaden, et al). Does it taste like feet? Probably. I wouldn't really know.

previously:
WHO WOULD NAME A CAR...GREMLIN???

Double-ended Pain.

Today, I'm starting a more regular posting schedule. Barring technicalities, terrorism, or (think Mark think, a third "t" word) three-ways, I will be posting at least twice every weekday, usually once each in the AM and PM. Tell all your friends and co-workers and cold calls. Thank you.

What The Marketing Director of Deutsche Bank Jerks Off To Every Morning.

(click image)
Not only is the LOGO about 50 feet tall, it's literally a customer magnet! My fav is the guy sitting upside down up in the left corner.

(dedicated to Bill of makethelogobigger, an art director who knows his way around honking, horsey logos.)

Bail Bonds Advertising.

We've all been there: In jail, lacking bail. You page through the yellow pages. Who do you give your maybe not so hard-earned money to? 1. The sweating Speedy Gonzalez knockoff? 2. The mythical beast with the magical tail? 3. Uhh... 4. The smiling horsey? 5. The cartoon babe with the key? 6. Peace-loving Barbara?