Vodafone presents: Tinypiece Theatre.

(click ads, via) Cutesy-wootsy print ads via Germany (by Düsseldorf's Scholz & Friends) for Vodafone's video rental service. The concept of watching (more to the point: enjoying) a movie on a mobile phone still escapes me, but whatever. I know those Photoshopped tiny lightsabers are getting a few of you nerdlingers out there hard as a fucking iceberg. Previously: Vodafone endorses reusing condoms.

The Hearts (and other organs) of the Heartless.

(click ads, via) "It's never too late to become a better person." So, Hater, go get yourself a Get Out Of Hell Free Card. SHOCKvertising for organ donation organization France ADOT. But they made you look and read, so, there's that. This "shocking" visual approach is of course quite popular in AIDS prevention ads. Campaign by Paris agency CLM BBDO.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Amnesty International France.

Hot on the runways this fall: domestic violence and police brutality. (link)

Soundtrack: "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" by England Dan & John Ford Coley.

(click ad, via) Back in the 1970s, before the term Metrosexual was minted, this perfectly-coiffed gentlemen was simply known as a "Fucking Pussy." related: Axe Advertising roundup.

Investment Advertising Hyperbole Watch: State Street.

(click ad, scanned from a recent Wall Street Journal)
Why not four or six, or ten? Do you want a jittery bug-eyed lunatic handling your finances? The State Street boys' advertising of the last couple of years has been consistently inept. It's been childish, metaphorically stupid, and even made fun of Maasai warriors.

The Insane-ist Extra-Long Condom Ads You'll Ever See.

(click ads twice, via) Seriously. Look at these fucking (literally) illustrations for Adam brand large condoms (a product of Indian pharmaceutical company Morepen Laboratories Limited). Forgot the long-distance copulating. Look at: The frog wearing one sneak looking for his micro-penis with a magnifying glass; the mouse doggy stylin' a drunk cat; and ants lassoing a chicken-football wearing one Converse sneak. Agency: Publicis India.
Previous large condom ads:
• ABSOLUT 8".
• It's raining (se)men.
• Manix condoms: for three-legged men.
• The condom flash mob of Spermatozoa.

Unfortunately, his indiscriminate X-Raying was later found to cause widespread lung cancer.

(click ad, from 1980, via)
Previously:
• Unauthorized HulkVertising make Hulk ANGRY!
• The official, disgusting Spider-man 3 cheeseburger.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: UK Male Domestic Violence.

Meet Richard Chopoff: The new living Ken Doll poster boy for domestic violence against men in England. (link)

Dutch Railways looks to pick up new customers by accident.

(click image, via) Via ad agency DDB Amsterdam, it's a very wordy and quite dangerous advert for Dutch Railways on, it appears, the back of a commuter bus. (Or a hired vehicle?) If you're going to possibly cause fender-benders/injuries/deaths, at the least you should give the poor driver a more entertaining story; that one's pretty pedestrian. (It's clunky because it's translated from Dutch for publicity purposes.)
Previous weird transportation ads:
• Scary Hairy Straphanging.
• Add to cart: 1 Alfa Romeo.
• The VW's been drinking, not me.
• Giant Fucking Cleaver Train Crossing Warning!
• (cool) Library brands its delivery trucks with fake literary businesses.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: evian.

Evian's pricey eau retards the aging process better than tap water, implies these ads. (link)

Sex Sells Instant Coffee.

(click ad, via) "Great coffee" is not Nescafe, that's for damn sure. No matter, let's pretend it is. This ad, via Sweden, is about the most forced sexual sell of an unsexy product I've seen. And I've seen some dubious ones: home improvement; Alka Seltzer; hearing aids; floor cleaner; meat seasoning; and even fucking soup.

Buy Our Paper, Or We'll Break The Kid's Other Leg.

(click ad, by the NY Press Association, according to Coney Media) New York City residents, your local papers want you to know that, while, yes they may be mortally wounded by digital news sources and even stupid blogs that break the big stories before they can, they're not going down without passive-aggressively making you feel guilty as hell about their demise. That "Told ya" is just so preciously fucking childish. As Lindsay Beyerstein, who snapped the poster at the Brooklyn Carroll St. subway station says, the ad "perfectly distills the ineptness of the newspaper industry." An ineptness that shows up in newspaper and magazine advertising campaigns the world over again and again and again.

Link Haze, 3/26/10.

• The Llama Game.
• Vintage beer cans.
• This is stupid-funny.
• An L train rat is tweeting.
• Nick Walker's "Coran Can."
• "Roger Boyes"—the best byline ever.
• Russians are pranking Lenin statues.
• Triboro's absurdist NYC subway map.
• NYC—the passive-aggressive sign capital.
• "Thinking outside the box"—not dead yet!
• People gets the Fake AA Ad Artist treatment.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Alka Seltzer 1936.

A little retro racism to end the week. (link)

Package Design Update: Russian Sexxxy Beer.

(click image, via) Well, Stella says their beer is a woman. Here, some Russian brand reminds men that beer is sex. One standalone can: just some graphic cityscape. But lined up in the liquor store freezer: fishnets, garters, panties, and thighs. That has to help sales. Thanks to Vinnie for the tip!
Previous sexxxy package designs:
• Tom of Finland bulging cock bag.
• These Japanese muffins are the tits!

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Anti-Music Piracy ads.

50 Cent and Lady Gaga voodoo dolls. Stab them with your mouse cursor. (link)

Conserve resources, or we'll have to go live on Glutax, Kriboon or Actapa.

(click ads, via) The headline, which was translated from French for publicity purposes, should probably read: "It'll be too late to complain once we're finally forced to leave home." Anyway, Paris agency CLM BBDO came up with those goofy planet names (which were including in the press notes) for Noé Conservation, a French association dedicated to protecting biodiversity (2010 is the International Year of Biodiversity). The illustrations, which are pretty cool, were done by Frédéric Perrin. The campaign is running in the daily Metro. Casper Motherfuckin' Van Dien and and the other Starship Troopers will protect us, so I'm not worried.
Related:
• Wonderful Sci-Fi Channel posters via Italy.
• Arthur Radebaugh's cool 1950s futuristic illustrations for National Motor Bearing.

Funny Ad of the Day.

(click ad twice, via) That's Manhattan. Cupid's a hackneyed dating site creative linchpin, but this is different enough to make it above average. By Vancouver's Rethink Communications.
Previous Funny Ads of the Day:
• Sour Marbels candy.
• Kennel1 dog laxative ads.
• Head & Shoulders China.
• Snickers creepy Halloween ad.
• Trippy Calgary Hemp store ad.
• Hilarious Holiday Inn TV spots.
• How to make a child jackhammer.

Photocopy your Ass for Ass Cancer.

This is the second example of good-cause AssVertising I've come across (shut-up) that's ostensibly worth getting behind (here's the first). It's for the Colorectal Cancer Association of Canada. And they're looking to create a Facebook Buttmob on March 31st. So, copy/scan your ass (especially you), and go post it on their microsite, I guess. Will scrotums and labia be edited out? Think the Facebook digi-nannies will allow this? Ad agency: Ogilvy Montreal, via. To search my AssVertising Archive, click here.

Aporkcalypse Now (sorry)!

(click image, via) Dr. Strangelove-y, Point Of Purchase poster from the Los Angeles location of erotic boutique Coco de Mer (nsfw). Kudos to the man delivering the explosive cumshot. I don't think I could maintain an erect dong with rocketman Kim Jong-il giving me the evil eye. The red phone off the hook is a nice touch. Ad agency: LA's David & Goliath.
Here's two previous Coco de Mer videos:
• Eroticism finally advertised pleasingly.
• (nsfw) Man playing butt bongo on a beautiful butt for 90 seconds.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Russian anti-smoking billboards.

I've already posted the baby torture execution. Here's two more, including a badly-Photoshopped suicide image. (link)

Bangers & Egg.

(click ad, via) eurostar is a high-speed rail service that runs between London, Paris, and Brussels, according to Wikipedia. I've never eaten beans with eggs. And I now never will. Previously in SpermVertising:
• PENAL SPERM.
• It's raining (Se)men.
• Aim carefully, gents.
• China's thermonuclear Viagra sperm rockets.

(nsfw) This poster hangs in Tokyo sushi restaurants, right next to the choking victim one.

(click image, via) Here's the partial English translation of this "penis handling" instructional diagram for—judging by the illustrations (see especially right, lower-ish)—10 year-old Japanese girls. (Yes, I know it's a cultural style called kawaii. But still.)
Previous strange sexual Japanese designs:
• Japanese muffins packaged in Tit cups.
• Condom packaging seems aimed at pre-teen girls.

Alice in Endorsement Land.

(click ads, via) Though not nearly old enough to get behind the wheel, Alice takes the 1947 Ford Coupe for a spirited test drive. Not shown: The subsequent high school safe-driving educational film: Alice Through The Windshield Glass. Previously: 1960s auto ads sexism.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Die Zeit.

Little German Mädchen flipping double middle fingers on a billboard to promote a newspaper supplement. (link)

Today's Ad An Eight-Year-Old Could Understand.

(click ad, via) Ad by Euro RSCG in Düsseldorf for the electric Peugeot iOn, which is scheduled to launch by the end of the year. The iOn looks pretty similar to other "smart" cars, so good move not showing it.
Previous car ads I haven't hated, all VW:
• Peter Stormare for the GTI.
• Euro banknotes smartly defaced.
• 1969: it's ugly but it gets you there.
And here's a roundup of terrible auto ads.

Things like, shrieking laughter.

(click ad, via) Read more about the Eleganza Man here.
Previously in gravely unfortunate men's fashions of the past:
• These jackets.
• This Onesie.
• These pants.
• This sweater/this shirt.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Neenah Paper.

A paper company's eco-ads are a bit of a strrretch. (link)

One of the biggest ad lies I've ever read.

(click ad, via) And I've read thousands upon thousands (written some, too). Amazing. Almost anything else you chose to do would be more adventurous than this. Starbucks continues their legacy of producing some of the most asinine advertising ever.

"HERgonomics" Is HERe, Ladies.

(click ad)
From the video at Savasa's website: "We don't have paws, we have hands. We would never use the term "guns" to describe any part of our body." Women? Are you tired of being forced to use the dumb man-bells at your gym? Well, Savasa has transformed those freeweights into sheweights. And, they'll perfectly match your lipstick and pink NHL workout outfit. Thanks to reader Jennifer for the scan, from Women's Health. Previously in: Intellectually Insulting Marketing to Women.

Link Haze, 3/19/10.

• Local travel agency ad.
• Cash advance from God.
• Hummer horse carriage.
• Israeli IKEA ads, secular and religious.
• "Drinkability?" A complete fucking failure.
• Russian woman finds white worms in her eyes.
• I grew up in South Jersey, so this didn't surprise me.
• The hand-drawn title and credits of Dr. Strangelove.

It's a cane! It's a dumb-bell! It's a dumb-bell cane!!

(click ad, via ) Lazy fucks of today have the Ab-lounge. Back in 1900, they had the Dumb-Bell Cane. What made a cane a dumb-bell, you may be wondering? Why, they attached a "solid ball of finely nickeled metal" to the end of a wooden stick, which enabled gentlemen to exercise as they walked "to and from (their) business" and, in the process, "develop the muscular power of an athlete." Three bucks, for a cane. I guess that's better than $14,615 for an exercise bike.
Previously in: bullshit buygone products.

copyranter overloaded by cute.

(click ad, via) Jesus, why can't I get an assignment like this to work on, instead of the soul-crushing dogshit project I'm slogging through right at this moment? Speaking of dog waste, this Sunday, in Auckland, New Zealand, is the 10th annual Bark in the Park, sponsored by Purina. Look at how cute this ad is. Fucking Ogilvy, I hate youz. Here's a previous cute as fuck Dog promo item. And here's a roundup of other cutesy ads over the years.

Russian Anti-Secondhand Smoke Ad Features Baby Torture.

(click ad) Translation: "Smoking in child’s presence is a much bigger torture for him. You don't care?" The billboard was up earlier this month in a few locations around Moscow, according to Pravda. The city's committee for advertising harshly condemned it. A spokesperson from the ad agency said: "Any normal person will be disgusted with what the picture shows. But if thousands of children have a chance to stop inhaling tobacco smoke every day, we believe we could sacrifice our visual comfort for that." Burn baby burn.
Previous provocative anti-smoking ads:
• Smoking=9/11.
• Smoking=9/11, Redux.
• Australian TV spot truly terrifying.
• Billboard made from 15,000 butts.
• The violent-est anti-smoking spots ever.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Protect-A-Bed.

Giant Bed Bug Attacks Times Square Strip Club. (link)

Bottled ChooChoo Juice.

Smell the seat. By now, you've probably heard of the seemingly gag product Vulva, the "new irresistible vagina scent." Well, here's the new spot hawking it. Epic. It directs you to SmellMeAnd.com (seriously nsfw), where you can purchase a "phial" for 24.90€. From the site:

"After many years of extensive testing and an especially developed preservation procedure, we have succeeded in capturing the sought-after organic vaginal scent with a long-lasting effect."

Vice recently did an interview with the supposed company head, Guido Lenssen, who says there is real vagina in every phial (I'd like to see their sweatshop). Men, to enhance your auto-erotic sessions, I guess you could dab a drop or two on the back of your hand beforehand. Hey Guido—here's your print ad layout.

copyranter on The Awl: Odd Man Rush.

Fighting in hockey. Good? Bad? Either way, go watch the scene from Slap Shot where Michael Ontkean strips down to his jockstrap. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Red Balloon.

A Brazilian language school for kids 3 and up wants to teach the little crianças English cuss words. (link)

Drinking the Chicago River water would be healthier.

(click image, via) Leo Burnett and McDonald's jumped on the annual Chi-town tradition of dying the city's river green for St. Patrick's Day with this impressive ambient stunt. What, exactly, is in a Shamrock Shake has of course long been a point of speculation/disgust. Previously in BIG ambient ad stunts:
• Alfa Romeo.
• Hubba Bubba Bubblegum.
• Giant cleaver train crossing warning.

Pic Of The Day.

(click image, via) You've maybe seen the winning entry from American Apparel's Best Bottom Search. This is one of the...non-winning entries. Photographed by Evan Perigo. Previous AA fan photos (nsfw):
• Is she blowing him, or not?
• French actress boobies matchbook.
Previous Pic Of The Day.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Greenpeace.

"Give me a break. Give me a break. Break me off a piece of that Orangutan's finger..." (link)

Mooncup has designs on your netherlands.

(click ads, via) God, this week so far it's been all tits and penises and now pussy. I'm sorry? Mooncup, seller of silicone menstrual cups—"the healthy alternative to tampons"—has just launched a new blind outdoor poster campaign in the UK tagged with the url loveyourvagina.com. Once there, ladies, you can tell Mooncup what you call yours (scroll down). Right now, I guess unsurprisingly, "cunt" is the number one nickname. I would like to see further design executions for Growler, Dick Sharpener, and The Wound That Never Heals. Agency: St. Luke's.
Previously in: VaginaVertising.

Is eight enough?

(click ad, via)
Possibly a well-done parody ad, I honestly don't know. Previous phallicism in real ads:
• The Green Spot Dicknic.
• This Cheeto is a big penis.
• This Skyy vodka bottle is a penis.
• This electric screwdriver is a penis.
• This Bud bottle is a glistening penis.
• These John White dress shoes are penises.

Boobs are chins in Marie Claire "Naked" issue ads.

(click ads, via) Jesus, this is getting so confusing. In the last month, we've seen adverts with shaved heads and fat knees manipulated to look like boobs in the name of breast cancer awareness and skin cream, respectively. Now, in posters promoting the South African February "Naked" issue of Marie Claire—where 23 celebrities doffed their clothes to support Rape Crisis—breasts were made to look like faces. Sorry, the second one (R) ain't quite working optically. By Network BBDO in Johannesburg.