Levi's quickly puts their jeans on Ted Kennedy's dead legs.

(click ad) Go Err-ahh Forth. Oh, c'mon. It's not that bad of an ad vulture execution, is it? Democrats and jeans are both blue, right? And what the hell: JFK's still selling wicked-expensive yachts. Thanks to Gareth Hornberger for the scan of the ad, which ran full-page in yesterday's New York Times.

The CLIO awards are dead, says CLIO.

(click ad) I hate posting depressing insidery ad ads, but this one, scanned from today's MediaWeek hawking entries for next year's CLIO Awards, is just so extra exceptionally fucking depressing. "Do something that still means everything" coaxes the copy underneath the fairly young dead mad man. Ad awards shows these days, what with the fucked economy and increase in scam ad winners and disgusting bootlicking, are an embarrassment. And the CLIOs, lest we forget, have an especially embarrassing history. For a more honest advertising awards show ad, view this ANDYs one from 2006 featuring creatives sucking each other's asses.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: World March for Peace.

Imagine a world without war, where fighter jets are taxis and aircraft carriers are cruise ships. First, you need to install Photoshop in your brain. (link)

SQUAT THRUST.

(click ad) Monday morning assvertising, via David Barton gyms. His trainers must be ridiculously expensive. Ad via MultiCultClassics, where you can see other overtly racy executions. Stick your head all up in my Assvertising Archive here and here. Previous gym ads: Crunch. Equinox.

Link Haze, 8/28/09.

• Jack plugs Ronald.
• Men of Mortuaries calendar.
• Ironic direct mail of the week.
• Ray Liotta has been fucked with over and over.
• Billy Mays lives, silently, as little floating head stickers.
• Men, your Fleshlight is obsolete. Pick up a Tenga Flip Hole.
• Swedish men make the best husbands, Australians, the worst.
• Granting lenser Bruce Weber total creative control maybe wasn't so smart.
• Seen snakes on a cane around Manhattan? The explanation is disappointing.
• Hugh Hefner tweets that he has a surprise coming for Marge Simpson fans. What can he do to her that Internet pervs (nsfw) haven't done all ready?

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: KIA.

KIA DIGITALLY HACKS ANIMALS TO DEATH. (link)

"World's largest dress" constructed to hype Israeli reality show.

(click image) That's according to BBR Saatchi & Saatchi in Tel Aviv, who say they have submitted this billboard to the Guinness Book of World Records. It's hyping a TV show called "Connected," which gives viewers "peeks" (including, I guess, upskirt shots) into the lives of the five pictured women—who document their days and nights with handheld video cameras. Translated headline: "Connected. You've never seen anything like this before." Sounds simply scintillating (image via).
Previous 3-D/interactive billboards:
Times Square stripper waves hi to Mary Poppins.
Kill Bill board soaks Auckland street with blood.
Allan Gray Investments' quilted board.
LeSportsac's three-story zipper.
The G-Star glory hole.

His moon is in the seventh house, and his penis will guide the planet.

(click ad) The "Horoscope" fun slacks by "Carsuals." $9.00. My. God. (image via) Previously in retro men's slacks ads: Slack Power! Before he was the Prince of Tides, Nick Nolte was the Prince of Pants.

OMFG! 15 contracts signed in August!

(click ad) It's been a while since I posted a hyperbolic NYC area real estate ad. Not much for developers and properties to be hyperbolic about lately! This one, employing Gossip Girl-inspired marketing, is for the Dixon Mills residences in Jersey City. Conceived, written and art directed by a Jersey real estate agent, obvs. Scanned from today's amNY. For a sampling of past terribly funny local real estate advertising, click here.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: The Garrison Girls.

Taking a break from ads, here's a nude charity calendar done by wives of UK servicemen. (link)

Fresher baby meat through chemistry.

(click ads) Just in case you were wondering whether the first dead-baby Cellophane® ad (left) represented merely momentary monumental madness by DuPont, no, the ad was apparently part of a long-running strategic baby-killing campaign. A couple of the tots in the second ad there (right) actually look like they're in desperate need of oxygen (image via). Related: DuPont is also slowing suffocating my Father.

Japanese condom packaging.

(click image) For promiscuous 10- year-old girls! Kit Sack! Cute. And liable! It's wacky Japanese product packaging day on copyranter (image via). Previous condom packaging: NYC Get Some!

These Japanese muffins are the tits.

(click images) Update: one commenter says these are packages of pudding, not muffins. Another wrote me to say, no, they are muffins.
These are—not falsies—but packs of delicious chewy breakfast muffins, via the breast-obsessed island nation. Because what goes better with a muffin then some fresh milk? (images via: adme.ru) Previously in racy packaging: Tom of Finland bulge bags. Nads®—Twat The Hell?

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: ADESF anti-smoking awareness.

Every cigarette you smoke is filled with tar and nicotine and tanks and catapults. (link)

Gatwick Airport dresses up a jet in scarf, vest, and pink sunglasses to attract gay shoppers.

(click ad) This is, uh, a bit forced. Gatwick airport in southern England wants nearby folk to think of the hub as a great shopping destination. Attitude, the UK's biggest selling gay magazine, happens to have a high readership in the area. So, the hub—via London ad agency Naked Communications—placed this mock fashion ad, featuring a dorky, digitally anthropomorphized jet, in the publication. Those tail-wing boots look just ridiculous (image via). Previously in: Gay Advertising.

Russian deodorant commercial is умалишённый.

(insane) I'm all over the Motherland today. I'd say that the losing drag racer needs a new pit crew (via). Shut-up, it's a Tuesday in fucking August that will include ZERO copyranter vacation days. Previous insane Russian ads: Britney Spears helps old drunken Russian women learn English. Racist ice cream ad says Obama is the flavor of the week.

Freshly squeezed spit-juice.

(click ad) This is an ad, via Prague agency Rust, for Mangaloo freshly-squeezed juices. In it, we see a boxer with what appears to be an orange wedge in his mouth. This is not an appetizing visual impetus to get me to visit one of their juice bars, no, it is not (image via). Previous WTF Czech Republic ad: the most sexist beer commercial that will ever be produced EVER.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Dewar's Russia.

Print ads starring drunken bastard Quentin Tarantino. Can anybody translate Russian? (link)

I'm still busy...

...so I'll post the one kabillionth blogger cat pic to the Internet: Meet Zippy The Pinhead (click). She's 15. Previous pic of Zippy.

I'm busy...

... so here's a couple of hillbilly air fresheners "delicately scented to dispel unpleasant odors." Cropped from this old-timey catalog page. I am the son of Appalachian Trail hillbillies, btw. Previously in: "I'm busy."

Male hippies aging terribly, according to Woolite.

(click ads) Sure, blonde ex-flower power girls are today probably dying their hair and some have had some work done. But, she certainly has aged graceslickfully in comparison to poor Ken fucking Kesey there, who has gone through some serious Photoshop facial abuse. Anyway, the ads sell the product fairly effectively, I guess (ads by Euro RSCG Dubai, via). Previous Photoshop facial ad abuse: Instantly trim your fatty face with Trim skim milk. Japanese bras that smush men's faces. Gruesomely flattened roadkill faces selling...something.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: VW commercial vehicles.

Escher ads! So pretty. So unoriginal. So ineffective. (link)

link Haze, 8/21/09.

• Bubbles lives.
• Lightsabre chopsticks.
• How to write a missing bike flier.
• Michael Meyers kills banner ads.
• Ten vids of men screaming like girls.
• Two Nebraska ad interns sing a song about their little penises.
• Love Tofu? Forget about ever getting a personalized license plate.

Ad Creep Update: amphibious assault by Vitamin Water.

Earlier this month on the Dutch beach of Woodstock, swimmers and sunbathers were invaded from the sea by a branded guerrilla assault vehicle. The hatch opened and, not a rocket launcher, but a stupid DJ and dancing girls emerged (What, couldn't afford 50 Cent?). Product samples were distributed. There is brief nudity (update: now edited out). YOU WILL BE ADVERTISED TO (ad agency Natwerk, via Ypsilon2). Previous Beachvertising: Beach blankets shaped like pools of blood promote violent TV show. Mini KIA plane ad banner seen by 10s of California sunbathers.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ariel laundry detergent.

These are the violent-est detergent ads ever, via China. (link)

The Abominable Vegetable Man.

(click ads) Back in the 1950s, before he became the handsome animated icon hanging out with cute little Sprout, the Green Giant wasn't so much jolly as he was fucking scary (see above). Check out this terrifying early black & white TV incarnation (images via). Previous terrifying ad icons: Snuggle. The Balvenie Weenie™. Mr. Opportunity (not really scary, just a douchebag). Mr Min Pornocchio.

State Street resorts to childishly taunting conservative investors.

(click ad) In previous advertising efforts to hawk their risky SPDR ETFs, the Boston-based financial firm has used scare tactics, Zula warriors, and a cute widdle puppy doggie. Now, in this stock photo ad scanned from a recent Fortune, the basic message is: "Na nana na na, money pussy!" I'd say, probably not the best tone for these times.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Red Bull Cola.

The Austrian company hired graffiti artists to laser tag MI6 headquarters in London. Ooooh, subversive. (link)

"His hands were all over me."

(click ads) Yet another pass at the "you're sleeping with all his/her past partners" visual dramatization to warn against the HIV dangers of casual sex. Previously, pubic hair names (nsfw), condom-asphyxiated chihuahuas, and chewing gum have been employed as metaphors. Now, disarming octopussian Photoshop. The website on the ads, areyouatrisk.ca, is actually from Bristol-Meyers Squibb Canada (scroll down). Not surprisingly, BMS is one of the world's leading makers and marketers of HIV/AIDS drugs. Anyway, fairly effective art direction for getting the message across, though these trippily illustrated French ads are still the coolest AIDS prevention executions ever. Right Kenny Cole? (images via)

Kiwi church mocks God, Jesus, Bible.

(click ad) With an ad that would certainly give Pope Ratzi Grinch face, St. Matthew-in-the-city, an Anglican church in Auckland, New Zealand, cheekily skewers the Feeding the Multitude miracle. Judging by their website, St. Matts looks about as unstuffy as a church can get. Ad by M&C Saatchi Auckland, via.
Previously in church advertising:
• Satan's billboard: "I hate church."
• The sublime Watchtower brochures.
• NYC church erects most depressing subway poster ever.
related: God's golf balls, the Pope's cologne.

The American Apparel hiring couch.

(click ad) No uglies, says the pants-optional CEO. You'll work your ass off while doing a lot of seductive bending. I guess we should applaud AA's progress since our dour-faced, employment-enticing model is merely wearing sheer leggings as opposed to this, this, or nothing (ad pilfered from MTLB).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: PETA India.

It's an ad with a Bollywood actress in a bikini in bed with whips and chains. The cause is I forget. (link)

Man with design sense must be gay, according to Australian furniture company.

New TV spot running Down Under for Freedom Furniture, developed by M&C Saatchi in Sydney. As a hetero Madman with impeccable taste, I am monumentally offended. Yeah, sure sure, make the little girl say the line so it's easily dismissed. Well, us knuckle-dragging, pussy-eating mooks who also happen to like a nice chair WILL NOT LET THIS PASS. Right, fellas? Let's make some aesthetically-pleasing protest signs (respect the white space). (via) Previous furniture ads: naked couples showing up in multiple fancy furniture ads in Surface. Silhouetted porn scenes used in 1960s trendy furniture ads.

Puma makes Usain Bolt wear stupid "Bolt arms"

Puma couldn't be fucking happier now that their contracted shoe-wearer amazingly shaved over 1/10 of a second off his own world record 100 meter time Sunday at the track & field Worlds in Berlin. It means that they'll probably start selling their branded foam arms, instead of just giving them to hired plants at future running events. They should do a tie-in with McDonald's showing how Bolt can now do his pose and eat his favorite pre-race meal of McNuggets at the same time. Faux press conference above, New videos below (via Ypsilon2). Previous running shoe advertising: Reebok shoes help prevent puking? Pearl Izumi runners find more dead bodies.

ABSOLUT BEIJING.

Previously in Absolut's dopey Utopian Absolut World, God solved global warming with giant ice cubes, kindness replaced currency, everybody had a red carpet driveway, men got pregnant and had 8" dicks, all poetry was CAPS-LOCK HOOEY, and everybody was Andy Warhol. Now, vacuum cleaners end pollution in China. Whatever bullshitters, as long as the hooch still ends soberness.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: The Simpsons.

The TV show is finally available in Angola. But the family, at least according to this print ad, has been, uh, re-culturized. (link)

Whiter teeth mean brighter necklaces.

(click ads) Chew HappyDent White baking soda gum, and your teeth will (not) whiten and brighten and then, eventually, fall out. After which, you can make creepy cannibalistic jewelry like above to sell to hot rich Goth chicks at Convergence. Yet another case here, via McCann Erickson in Mumbai, where Photoshop digitally shits in the mouths of Taste and Logic. Click here for a roundup of Photoshop Phail involving the human body (images via).

Slim Jim sales rep business cards.

(click image) Or at least, they should be. No, these business cards made from "organic beef jerky" are for British Columbia travel site BC Adventure. The laser-etched cards are good to eat for up to a year, according to the press note. (via).
Previous custom business cards: Toronto massage therapist's knotted card • NYC Chocolate Bar's dental chart card.

China apparently has a big domestic violence problem.

(click image) First, bleeding, disturbing DV awareness packages were mailed out to 20 million Chinese households. And now, starting in June, these in-your-face punchy ambient posters were placed on the doors of Beijing office buildings and shopping malls. Copy translation: Nearly 30% of women in China experience domestic violence. If you don't help to stop it, you're just adding to her problems. Call 12338 if you know a woman is being abused. The posters were created by Beijing ad agency DMG on behalf of the All-China Women's Federation. Again, like with the eye-tracking Berlin bus stop poster, this stunt seems like it was hatched mostly to be ad award bait (not a winner, in my opinion). But, I guess, if it makes one Chinese man pause his hand, etc. (via) Previously in: anti-domestic violence ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: UK drug driving.

In a new TV spot, the English government warns drug users that constables now know the telltale sign: Manga porn eyes. (link)

Link Haze, 8/14/09.

• Carpet bombing.
• This is wrong, right?
• Pussy ham is ragging it.
• George Soros is a New York hero.
• Hugo Chávez hates golf. My new hero.
• How to "fire" half of your 5,000 employees.
• This snapshot makes a great Mountain Dew ad.

"After six mugs, we all go skinny-dipping in the fjord."

(click ad) "Our brew!" screams the line on this retro Norwegian ad for Brigg beer. Their expressions may say "badasses," but the sweaters say "softies." The Will Ferrell doppelgänger almost kills the vibe with that friggin' ascot/kerchief (image via). Previous retro beer ads: Schlitz 1936—with vitamin D. Schlitz 1950s—dinner's burnt, let's get drunk. Bud 1934—the blackest butler ever. PBR 1940s—even then, the choice of artsy hipsters. Schaefer 1960—the greatest tagline in beer history.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: German Green Party poster.

To mock Chancellor Merkel's ruling Black Party, the Greens erected posters featuring a white woman caressing a black woman's bare ass. Yep. (link)

Yet another car marketed to male losers.

(click ads) Headline: "They will see something beautiful in you." It is one of the oldest and most dubious of car marketing strategies: people will find you more attractive/fuckable in one of our sexy autos—this time, it's the not-very-sexy Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X. Creative lesson for ad agency Leo Burnett in Costa Rica: If you're going to go this (bad) executional route, you should make the men much uglier, hideously ugly. Then, guys who look like these fairly normal looking guys won't be insulted by your trite, outdated idea (images via).
Previous terrible car ads: Nissan. Ford Fusion. Mazda. VW Beetle. Pre-owned BMWs. Porsche.