Link Haze, 5/30/08.

• SOMF. (link)
• London advertising attack artist The Decapitator beheads SATC's SJP. (link)
• A Swedish woman has been married to the Berlin Wall for 29 years. (link)
• Philadelphia is reBELLious. Shut-up, New York's sixth borough. (link)
• This week's band names from Google news. (link)
• George Takei spotted in Polaroid in Asian film festival ad. (link)
• Photos from Neverland Ranch. (link)
• Taco Bell co-ops drive-thru rap video meme. (link)
• Vote for 2008's sexiest vegetarian. I voted for Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler. (link)
• Entertaining-human substitute Regis Philbin endorses sugar substitute. (link)
• No fucking way Batman drinks milk. (link)
• Killer Typhoon hits western PA. (link)
• Santa viciously tagged. (link)
• In their defense, 0s look the same upside down. (link)
• A harlot in Grand Theft Auto IV has six fingers. (link)
• The harder a wife works, the cuter she looks. (link)
• No "Rapture" allowed on the DC Metro. (link, thanks Ted Newton)
• GunFlower street art in Paris. (link)
• Freakonomics egghead spends way too much energy analyzing a Silk Cut ad (link)
• Finally, in a recent column on worthwhile advertising reads, Slate's Seth Stevenson listed copyranter first, numero uno, among ad blogs. So, ya know, BLOW ME, people who have balked at paying me to write for them. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: SubTalk with the MTA #2.

New York's helpful Metropolitan Transit Authority likes to deliver personal advice via their subway posters. This time: threaten your deadbeat friends! (link)

SWATCH picks random North London road for latest ad photoshoot.

(click ad for closer look)
I'd be a little less harsh here if there was even one bit 'o logic in Swatch's decision to promote its latest watch collection by creating the millionth+ homage to the Beatles album cover. (seriously, just type "Abbey Road" into google image search, and count the parodies.) This is probably the cheapest, lamest ad grab at attention I've ever seen. One kudo for the "Paul" model being properly barefoot. A second kudo for the updating of the original background white VW Bug. (scanned from the latest Planet) previously in watch ads: Trump introduces "Signature" Watch, world watches, wonders why? Zenith watches. Accurate. Won't destroy you. $15,700 Meyers watch looks like Skittles® puke.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: The Green Spot Dicknic.

It's the start of a new feature on Animal New York: BuyGone Ad of the Week. Today, go take a look at an all-beef phallic overload from the 1960s. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: POM sees dead people.

Pomegranate product pusher POM has placed a poster on area trains that shoves mortality right in the faces of NYC commuters. (link)

Kill Bill billboard a bloody mess.

(click image for closer look)
Those Kiwis are a bloodthirsty bunch when it comes to advertising gory American movies. This Kill Bill, Vol.1, uh, installation was apparently erected near a busy Auckland intersection to promote a local channel's screening of the movie. I'm assuming those are prop cars. (by Saatchi & Saatchi New Zealand, via)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: glow-in-the-dark Pedophilia!

Fun and Games with child abuse! A Brazilian ad agency has created a child abuse awareness print campaign with a secret fluorescent visual/message that is revealed when the lights go out. Scary. (link)

How do you market "The Other White Meat" to women?

(click ad to read copy)
You desperately and unconvincingly compare Pork to nail polish—"two handy-dandy things I can't live without." And you make the meat cuts look like painted fingernails! Cute! Also? You write the copy as a first-person testimonial—a fake first-person testimonial (ah, the specious faketestimonial, crutch of weak ad minds worldwide). Then, you place the ad in the June Martha Stewart Living and cross your fingers (ad emailed by Dina Shapiro).
previously in marketing to women: diamond brand promises powerful monogamy; Butch Cassidy sez: bang your husband, eat your greens; introducing Fuck-Me Camels; the simplest makeup ad ever; and the Kotex beaver.

Link Haze, 5/26/08.

• Area 51 Love Doll. (link)
• "Dov, you're not selling t-shirts, you're selling neo teen porn and rape fantasies!" (link)
• This 1980s Windows 386 promo video starts slow, but just wait til the nice woman starts singing. (link, thanks to Jocelyn McCanles)
• A Canadian man is selling ad space on his prosthetic leg. Which is so ironic, it twists my brain into a mushy pretzel. (link)
• Shitty film director Brett Ratner is becoming a brand consultant. Not coincidentally, I've decided to launch my own brand consultancy with this bullet point. (link)
• Bad ad headline of the week. (link)
• Headline translated, copy not. Fuck cultural sensitivity. (link)
• HBO set up voting booths in Union Square to promote the movie Recount. (link)
• Coke and Pepsi vow to eliminate marketing to kids under 12. Yeah, and I vowed to love and cherish...til death do us etc. (link)
• Related: The evilest soda pop ad ever. (link)
• BK UK introduces the burger six-pack. (link)
• The best use of lighting on a Lotto billboard. (link)
• 1960s anti-drug pamphlet trippy, funny. (link)
• Chloë Sevigny Uniqlo ad harshly tagged. In Williamsburg! The indignity! (link)
• Sexual stimulant tablets packaging features Klimt's "The Kiss" (link)
• Weird-ass food sculptures. (link)
• As a drummer, this is the most depressing "art" installation I've ever seen: "Each day at 11:40 pm, the stick strokes the snare once." (link, via)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Hitler Rules!

Hitler is the Shitler when it comes to cause marketing these days. Need to show how deadly something is? Use Hitler! He's free! (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Starbucks' New Yorker ads.

Following in the missteps of many an advertiser, Starbucks placed New Yorker style cartoon ads in the magazine this week. And they're awful. (link)

Ghastly-faced Hilton/Jolie used to sell plastic surgery to Ecuadorians.

(click ads for closer look)
The headline apparently translates as Nobody Is Younger Than You (update: commenter rb says it actually translates "Nobody will look younger than you"). The ads—done by a female creative team!—are for the Xiomara Coronado Beauty Center (there's also a scary Shakira). That's some graphic digital surgery, ain't it? Ecuador—I think you can forget about any goodwill missions from the Jolie-Pitts. And, uh, Paris, too. previously in celeb mugs in ads: Lohan anti-drinking poster girl; Gwynnie Paltrow is African; Robert De Niro sez, get the fuck outta my city; Britney Spears/Marilyn Manson tell us we're idiots. update: here's an online poll to vote for which digitally-abused celeb looks worse.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ketel One back on the streets.

The worst advertising campaign in the history of alcohol continues (link)

two ads with dogs in them that are kinda funny.

(click ad [left] for a closer look)
L—print ad for Flatazor Prestige senior dog food. Via TBWA Paris.
R—Spot (click HERE to watch) for Otrivin nasal spray. Via Saatchi & Saatchi Milan.
previous ads I've kinda liked: Pringles hot & spicy ad; graphic American Psycho ad; groovy Calgary hemp store ad; Snickers Halloween ad; Skittles "Touch" TV spot; Vegas.com's Are You A Douchebag promo; a couple of Old Spice commercials; some Holiday Inn TV spots; and John Varvatos Iggy Pop outdoor ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Dov Charney holding a dildo.

The fake American Apparel ad artist strikes again! This time, the merry prankster hits the head man himself. He looks sooo creepy in red. (link)

Maybe NSFW. Maybe Not.

(click ad for closer look)
Ad by Y&R Singapore for a local sex shop called "U4ria." Definitely better than the gooey ad for the SubStation sex shop in Geneva. Fuck, I wish we'd get a fucking sex shop client. (image via) previous vaginas in ads:
iPod girl's trim needs trimming; ABSOLUT VAGINA; Naughty Nads®—twat the hell?; Tom Ford cock blocks us; The Kotex's beaver; "Brazilian" rum ad; "the most sought after box on the planet"; and the graphic fake American Apparel ads.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Spitzer poked by Cole.

Today on Animal New York, on a NYC billboard, hooker-banger Eliot Spitzer gets made fun of by pun butcherer Kenneth Cole. (link)

Bush would have all his speech writers working on this.

(click ad for closer look)

"I'M GLAD I USE DIAL
IT MADE MY PENIS GROW.
CHICKS DIG THE SMELL
THEY CAN'T SAY NO.
IT REMOVES AGE SPOTS
AND CURES SKIN CANCER.
FOR ALL OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS
DIAL IS THE ANSWER."

Give me my fucking oil well, Dial. OK, I know you all can do better. Please write your jingles in the comments. (ad from a 1954 McCall's, via) previous copyranter copywriting: new taglines for Zombie Strippers; my beano® jingle; the first ad campaign I ever did; my first ever celebrity ad; an ill-advised headline for a bank; BFI waste services ad catches the attention of the NYC mob.

Link Haze, 5/16/08.

• Swedish Fish ads? meh. Swedish Fish delivery truck? heh. (link)
• A recipe for wiener water soup. (link)
• This BBC radio review of Iron Man is the kind of nuanced insightfulness missing here in the colonies. (link)
• So, the GOP's fancy new party slogan is the exact same one used to market anti-depressant Effexor. (link)
• Sorry I Called You Sweetie—a good emo band name. (link)
• I was frantically looking for a screwdriver to gouge my eardrums out whilst watching/listening to this Home Depot training film. (link)
• Gold Bond is breath mint for your balls. (link)
• A true mystery: what is the Nasonex bee's nationality? (link)
• Obsessive Star Wars fans could channel that energy into saving the planet. Instead, we get shit like this. (link)
• You say 'Hello Kitty,' I say 'Goodbye Kitty.' (link)
• Mixed media paintings by Ian Francis. (link)
• Before sticking a flute up her hoo-hah in American Pie, a young, innocent Alyson Hannigan shilled for Mylanta. (link)
• The DC Metro installs hopscotch and I Spy in stations in effort to stop people from hurling themselves in front of trains. Yeah, this'll work beautifully. (link)
• Contextual ad oops, UK analog edition (thanks Mark Russell). (link)
• Join the Navy. Get blown up. (link)
• Red Bull gives you wings? How 'bout stabilizers? (link)
• A short film: New York City pigeons having sex. (link)
• craigslist ad of the week: "I have lots of imitation crab meat." (link)
• I vehemently disagree with this Vice "do." (link)
• I'd actually been rooting for Donny Deutsch and his TV show—until he took his shirt off last week (again), and said he could be NYC mayor if he wanted. (link)
• Sweet Jesus, a Mr. Rogers porno is cumming. (link, via)
• Finally, pants-optional CEO Dov Charney spotted on the LES, with murse. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Skyy's sapphic sky sex.

Today on Animal New York, take a gander at Skyy vodka's latest racy outdoor ad—it features a 3some with interracial lez interplay. (link)

French fight beach pollution by bleeding fighting G.I. imagery.

(click ads for closer look)
The iconic Iwo Jima flag raising pic has been exploited from the halls of luxury jet companies to the shores of South Africa; in the name of global warming (see masthead), and now as part of a French beach cleanup effort called Surfrider. And! Since it's French beaches, Y&R Paris decided to also use a D-Day image. And that Photoshopped image (right, above) appears to be from the Omaha beach sector of the invasion, aka "Bloody Omaha," where over 2,000 American soldiers were killed (somewhat recreated in the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan). The third ad of the campaign plays off of a jungle photo from the Vietnam war. So, is it OK for the French to exploit dead US soldiers, even if it is to combat pollution? Well, at least they get to fight another day, I guess. related: French exploit 9/11 to battle bad water; imagery of US soldiers exploited by India to sell Kama Sutra brand condoms; Marines can't use MySpace, commands MySpace using DofD.

Hey Park Slope? You got a logo, BITCH?

(click ad for closer look)
MORE PARK LESS SLOPE. Jack "don't call me Jackson" Heights, Queens sticks a broken beer bottle right in the face of pretty Park Slope with this "Queens is the new Brooklyn" ad from today's Home ad supplement in the New York Times. And looky at that logo...A top hat! A beer belly! And he even jauntily dances to a jazzy tune at the JackHeights Website (which is sponsored by Queens realtor MPC Properties). Wonder what EDGY, Radically Chic/Chicly Radical Williamsburg has to say about this throwdown? No matter, it looks like we're just about ready for another round of The Unparalleled Hyperbole of NY Real Estate Advertising...

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: maybe the most depressing billboard you'll ever see.

Today on Animal New York, I have nothing cheery or cheeky for you. Jesus, sometimes life just fucking sucks.. (link)

So drinking bottled water is like giving my car a blow job?

(click ads for closer look)
Brita, maker of home water filters, has set up a Website to increase awareness of the environmental evils of drinking bottled water. To illustrate this evilness, DDB San Francisco created nightmarish ghouls spewing the blackest evilest liquid in the world (here's a third ad in this repetitive campaign). While I'm all for giving it good to bottled water companies, especially ones like Jana who hypocritically lecture me on the evils of plastic bags, I'm not sure showing crude vomit is the smartest way to get the message out. more bad bottled water ads: Perrier's shittier advertising (1,2,3); Fiji water—taste a cumulus?; Vitamin Water—50's packin' nutrients; and Fred water—suck on him all day long. update: Are the ads effective? Go vote your opinion in this online poll at PollsBoutique.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Accounting Firms Shouldn't Advertise.

Today on Animal New York, go take a look at a NY accounting firm transit ad that just plain fucking annoyed the fuck out of me. (link)

HERNIA or ORGASM?

(click ads for closer look)
Mimicking Details magazine and scores of other precursors, Passage Fitness First in Brussels, "part of the world's biggest chain of gyms," temporarily and possibly permanently turns me off both exercise and sex with these ads featuring Jean-Claude making O face. Ewwwwwwwwwww. previously in orgasms in advertising: Is this American Apparel model masturbating? Viagra presents—The Whiskey Dicks. Floors so clean you can eat [your wife] off of them. You've Cum A Long Way, Baby. LoveMachine condoms make you last long enough to do Sudoku on your lover's back. The Sex Machines exhibit at the NYC Museum of Sex. (ads by Mortierbrigade, scanned from the latest Archive)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: PETA Roasts SD State.

Today on Animal New York, go take a look at at a childish PETA ad that shamelessly capitalizes on the recent frat house drug ring bust at San Diego State. (link)

BOY WITH THUMB PENIS SELLS PS3 IN AUSTRIA.

(click ad for closer look)
Considering how many game boys/men in the world spend more time jerking their PlayStations around than doing anything else in their sunless lives, this scary, wince-inducing ad via TBWA\Vienna is actually a very truthful piece of communication. Except for the six-pack. previous penis imagery in ads: Manix king size condoms—if the shoe fits; ABSOLUT 8": the men's dress shoe as phallic symbol; Naples Lumber—everything you need to get the (blow) job done; too much teeth...TOO MUCH TEETH; LifeStyles condoms—proud as a twitching erect peacock; Tom Ford gives us the finger; and Dickman's Meat of Tucson, Arizona.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: MTV's stupid anti-piracy ad.

MTV, a television company that apparently has something to do with music, has produced the most ineffective music piracy print ad imaginable. (link)

"Jeez, the ocean is so damn loud in here..."

(click ad for closer look)
Smirnoff vodka ad from a 1966 Life magazine (image via). related: Woody and Dov do both like Asian chicks; Bananas!—the fake American Apparel ad artist creates scary two-color Woody.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: The Strangest Light Bulb Commercial You'll Ever See.

Today on Animal New York, go watch an insane TV spot for Sylvania light bulbs via Thailand. You're insane, it's insane, go! (link)

Link Haze, 5/09/08.

• This old A-Bomb brochure is just plain scary. (link)
• Tropic Thunder, starring Black Downing, Jr. (link)
• Two of the Sex And The City girls got to keep their clothes from the movie, two didn't. WAH! BOO-HOO! SEX AND THE CITY!!! (link)
• More band names from Google news: this week's fave—Reeling From A Drubbing. (link)
• Here are the other two print ads from the naked Brazilian woman campaign for Cabana Caçhaca rum. (link)
• HRC has already said that Barack Obama has weak support amongst white Americans. So just how low do you think John McCain will go? This low? (link)
• The stupid Mentos "Kiss Cam" has apparently been killed. (link)
• In June, MindShare New York is taking its employees on a ghastly field trip to Six Flags Great Adventure in lovely Jackson, NJ. Fun Fact: I worked games there one summer a long time ago. (link)
• These two Old Spice spots, hilarious. This one, blah. (link)
• Of all the bad derivative plays on Got Milk? I've seen, this is the worst. (link)
• Dabitch at adland made a birthday cake for Spam. Not that Spam. (link)
• Some religious-right loonies are protesting the Starbucks mermaid. (link) Their idiotic advertising, now there's something to protest about.
• A Georgia state senator wants to ban pot-flavored candy. (link)
• Don't make your drug deals on this Brooklyn payphone, it's tapped. How do I know? Because it says so! (link)
• That's a monster of a fib in monster.com's diversity ad. (link)
• This decrepit subway billboard is a piece of modern art. (link)
• A UK telemarketer gets the reaming of his life in this hilarious call. (link)
• Forgetting the snarkiness for a second, this story brought tears to my eyes on the subway this morning. (link)

I HATE HATE this Beetle ad.

(click ad for closer look)
First off, I love the (old) Beetle. I drove a Beetle in college. It went 0-60 in never because it only went 55, and it took three minutes to accelerate to that door-shaking speed. But it never failed me. I'm not as crazy about the new Beetle, but a co-worker owns one and he says it's a fine car (it is ridiculously overpriced, though).
This Beetle ad via DDB Barcelona is a classroom example of tired borrowed interest. And it badly borrows from an already grossly abused iconic image. In the classic 1955 film noir Night of the Hunter, Robert Mitchum, playing one of foulest characters in movie history, had LOVE tattooed on one set of knuckles and HATE on the other. And for the next 10+ years, pretty much every faux badass teen in America replicated the tattoos with a black marker (Actually, it's still going on today, except the goofy goth teens have no idea where the idea came from.). Even my dad, who was/is a real badass, did it. Anyway, to wrap this meandering up: though I like the lack of a product shot, the ad's trying too hard to be cool. It fails. related: Peter Stormare stars in funny VW GTI spots.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: You'd think a "visual arts" school ad would be visually interesting.

Today on Animal New York, check out the NYC School of Visual Arts (which I attended) latest subway ad. It's interactive! It's blinky! It's stinky! (link)

"I want you inside me..."

(click ad for closer look)
Cheeky, rather alarming ad for the Substation sex shop in Geneva, Switzerland. "High performance lubricants" indeed. Note the gooey hand and buttocks region. Very nice art direction with the bedroom. update: as commenter mb points out, that's an Oscar Wilde portrait. (via) previous LUBE advertising: the Choo-Choo is stuck in the Poo-Poo; and Strawberry Bush and Raspberry Jam?

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: new I LOVE NY ads.

Today on Animal New York, go check out the new I (heart) NY print ads. They're examples of what happens when city and country wonks cram all their stupid thoughts into one sad ad. (link)

Manhattan's Most Disgusting Gyro Posters.

(click pics to lose appetite)
Dog Shit topped with Pigeon Shit. I snapped these photos of the Greek fast food staple at small eating establishments throughout Manhattan. In a reversal of the usual menu photo vs. the real thing food dynamic, these poster gyros look exponentially worse than the real items, I'm sure. Not that I'm 100% sure—because I sure as shit ain't ever to sample one of these mystery meat things topped with Tzatziki sauce in my lifetime after seeing the "GYROS TODAY" poster, lower left.
previously in disgusting food photos: • farm animal necrophilia sells meat seasoning • The Spiderman 3 French cheeseburger • Caroli brand processed meat looks like cadaver tissue • and Hillshire Farm sausages look like worms.

PURE HORSEHIT: Pillows so comfortable they instantly stopped this hot Indian couple from f*cking.

(click ad for closer look)
Welcome to the return of a discontinued feature here on copyranter: Pure Horseshit. The above pic of fresh fragrant horse bonbons will be trotted out next to ads with claims that surpass the already high level of advertising truth-bendiness. Like the one for Mbellish pillows, above left. Puts you to sleep, instantly. Oh yeah? Are they filled with chloroform? And do they blow me first? "Mbellish" indeed. (ad via Saatchi & Saatchi, India)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Amnesty International makes like Goofus.

Today on Animal New York, I posted some posters by Amnesty International that feature evil despots with silly Photoshopped cross eyes. (link)