Link Haze, 7/30/10.

• NYC street smarts.
• Well, that's fucking depressing.
• Gay terror army outfits via Prada.
• Political ad of the week, via Nevada.
• 1960s spy plane fashion was badass.
• wonderful site: Awkward Stock Photos.
• the best (WORST) caught fish photo ever.
•"For some reason, they started pouring vodka on her..."
• Luke Sullivan, a copywriter I liked back when I liked adland, has a blog.

Thailand presents the most insane bathroom cleaner spot ever.

(via) Scrubbing bubbles? Mr. Clean? The Ty-D-Bol Man? you can all eat scum and fucking die. This commercial for a product called Vixol "Red Fresh Berry," via McCann Bangok, may be the best commercial I've ever seen. EVER! Thailand also gave us the best light bulb commercial ever. The country's print ads, however, are creepy, and not so good. Related: round-up of insane commercials.

PETA's bloody NYC die-In.

(click image, via) Eat meat? You are Jeffrey Dahmer. You are "chewing and swallowing the skin and muscle of a murder victim." PETAers this week staged this supermarket meat aisle installation somewhere in midtown Manhattan. Being a frequent chronicler of their shenanigans, I am mildly perturbed that I was not alerted. Hey, no fair—they have air holes. Also: why does foreground steak man cost $231.89? I bet he's tender. This is not an original visual idea: It was employed in Luxembourg last year to promote human trafficking awareness.

(*blinks*)

(click ad, from the 1950s, via) The National Dairy Council would never lie to Amurican mothers, would they? Neither would the Sugar Association. Man, that is one ugly butter-soaked T-bone. Add a glass of delicious whole milk to the ad, and PETA members would really have a cow! (shut-up)

Pedo-Dad haz an 11th finger.

(click ad, via) Creepy pedophilia awareness ad out of Serbia for an organization called Menschen Bildung Kultur. The awkwardly translated copy reads: "In the child's eye smiling face of a well-meaning acquaintance or a pedophile is equally friendly. It's because the childrens world is naive, harmless and joyful. It's up to us to keep the world stay that way for them." To appear less creepy, Pedo-Dad should iron his clothes before embarking on his abduction walkabouts. Ad by Studio Marketing JWT in Belgrade. Previously in creepy pedophilia awareness ads: Statutory Rape D-cupped right into our faces • Thai boys sexually branded for life.
Previously in: MiddleFingerVertising.

Tatra: the official beer of Polish horse whisperers.

TEARS. IN. THE. EYES. These three drunk Norwegians toast you, brave sir! Bud should grab one of its Clydesdales and Hugh Jackman and shoot this exact same spot for next year's Super Bowl. By Warsaw agency Change Integrated.

Victorian horndog copywriting at its finest.

(click ads, via) This is the anti-Axe Effect campaign. English perfume house Penhaligon's just launched this new effort tagged with the line, "Merchants of attraction since 1870." Jesus, how sweet it is to to take in fragrance ads that not only don't insult your intelligence, but recognize that some men (and women) can think with their brains and dicks (and vaginas) at the same time. Bravo, Dye Holloway Murray (the responsible London ad agency). Previously in: copywriting done right (also via the UK, not surprisingly).

The most f*cked up orgy ever.

(click ad, via) Headline: "In case 2012 isn't 2012." So, just in case the Mayan Apocalypse materializes, make sure and stock up on Tulipan condoms, I guess. In addition to all manner of human hook-ups, I spy: a chimp fucking Mona Lisa; an over-sized praying mantis fucking a woman; a skeleton doggystyling a woman; and a green bird of some sort eating a woman's ass. See what you can see. By Y&R Buenos Aires. Previous South American condom ads: happiness is other people's children • the cutest climax delay condom ad ever • skeletons fucking • and, the dumbest condom ad I've ever seen.
I've posted about 100 condom ads. Search through them here.

Ad school perverts create nudie Barbie Matchbox calendar.

(click image, via) Two (male) students from The Brother Ad School of Buenos Aires decided to buy and strip some dollies and create a Pirelli-like calendar for 8-year-old boys. They will probably go far in this Mad Men world. Previously in girlie promo calendars: Aeroflot (nsfw) • Ryanair • Italian coffin company • Russian plumbing company (nsfw) • And nude x-rays for physicians.

Another Week, Another Insipid Investment Firm Animal Ad.

(click ad, scanned from Forbes) No, but wait—these idiots are headquartered in South Africa, so they had to show a wild kingdom visual, right? Perhaps, though, they should have found a stock photo of a zebra that's actually on its front feet so's it matched up with their imbecilic say-nothing headline. Note that they've register-marked their boundary-pushing tagline "Out of the Ordinary." Stripey here joins the Investment Company Ad Zoo along side the bears and bulls and lions and rhinos and horsies.

Kurt Cobain dwarf doppelgänger freaks out battered woman.

(click ad, via) The point, I guess, of this unfortunately humorous ad for a New Zealand domestic violence support organization is that, when you've been abused by an angry man-monster, you see angry man-monster faces everywhere. Sorry, but smiles should never be the result of viewing an ad for such a serious subject. One in three is a pretty damn high number—are Kiwi men especially violent? By Saatchi & Saatchi New Zealand. Click here to view previous domestic violence awareness ads.

Vintage Ad Puzzle of the Week.

(click ad, from 1944, via) Some questions with this wartime Scotch tape ad. Why are those dickweed 4-F men leering/laughing at poor subway Blondie? Did she just shit that piece of cake? Ever hear of paper bags, dummy? There really was no Scotch tape available for civilians during WWII? At the time, was Scotch's marketing department run by a complete moron? Previous vintage ad puzzles: a most disturbing Hotpoint dishwasher ad • the Perma-lift girdle ad riddle • think of this American Airlines stewardess as your mother? • Is this 1940 Sanka ad racist or super racist? • Is this 1906 Shredded Wheat ad racist or super racist?

How much Hipster can you pack into a Honda Jazz?

"Heaps." You've got a typewriter, skinny jeans, a fixed gear, knitting needles, an LP, "fair trade," Kerouac, and many, many copies of Everything Is Illuminated (Snicker. But where's the PBR cans? And the ironic geezer clothing?). These are Australian hipsters, so of course they're light years behind our Brooklyn Fauxhemians. Still, they make my fucking skin crawl. As a concept to sell the Jazz? Meh—lacks subtlety, and enough already with H word riffing. Video by Melbourne's DTDigital.

Don't like these sex shop ads? Stick 'em up your ass.

(click ads, via) She's keeping track of how many times she says "Oh my fucking God." He's giddily anticipating the next bump. I've covered lots of sex shop ads in the last five years. I think these, for New Zealand online sex gear store d.vice, are the best print ads yet—though this superb video for Coco de Mer is still the best overall effort I've come across. By BBDO Auckland.

Butchered Photoshop of the Week.

(click ad, via) Next stop of the copyranter Photoshop Bodychop World Tour: Turkey. Istanbul's Beymen Blender is a fashion concept store—a la Paris's Colette according to the agency press note—that's also a butcher shop(?). O-K. Anyway, this here is some unsharp Damien Hirst-esque digital meat cutting and rendering Rafineri (the responsible Turkish ad agency).

The hilariously tactless Accuqoute life insurance ads continue.

(click ads) If you do any Internet trawling at all, you've probably seen some of the nonstop fucked-up ads for gotta-be specious Accuquote. (Here's one two ads from 2007 where I imagined the angry Father's reply.) With their latest, they've red-lined the guilt sell with tombstone-y stock photo weepy daughter vignettes. You're a dead man walking, daddy. The exclamation point on the lower ad's call-to-action is some nice added-on tastelessness. Thanks to Michael Zuckerman for the screen captures.

Ryanair Employs Mugabe-vertising To Torture Competitor.

(click ad, via) The sexxxy Irish discount carrier, last seen mock-apologizing to easyJet's CEO, is certainly dictating the conversation, at least ad-wise, with their UK rival. This advert, running in today's Guardian, humorously exploits recent headlines which compared easyJet's punctuality to Air Zimbabwe's. Another libel suit to come, surely. easyJet spokesman Andrew McConnell whined: "Perhaps Ryanair should get their own house in order before they criticise other people." Related: copyranter critiques Mugabe's hideous 2008 campaign poster.

(nsfw) You cannot unsee Eagle Erection & Bull Balls.

(click ads) adme.ru last week posted a collection of ads featuring digitally painted bodies (like these kinda nsfw ones for ultrathin panty liners). Included, were the above quaint executions for Durex Pleasure Max condoms—Let The Beast Go! They were produced for some cross promotion with Belgian humor magazine Humo. No, they're not new, but I hadn't seen them before. And now, I can't unsee them. Jesus, I hope that cock ring is fake. Previous Durex ads.

Justin Timberlake directs cunnilingus spot for his tequila.

Abysmal actor Justin Timberlake makes his "directorial debut" lensing three new futuresexy commercials for his own 901 Silver Tequila. The highfalutin' aristocratic copy is meant—I guess—to make me aware that this is a premium hooch for which I'm going to pay a premium price. It is, undistilled bullshit.
Also, of course: Liquor=SEX. Liquor=SEX. Liquor=SEX. And, Liquor=SEX. At least, they didn't beat around the bush (heh) here. Drink it up, gentlemen. The spot of course—without an edit—will never see the light of your American TV screen. Here's a second stupidly pretentious S&M spot. Both were shot at the Standard Hotel in LA. Related: copyranter names Timberlake's next FutureSexy album.

I stopped at three blades. You?

(click image, via) The tagline is a stupid killjoy, please leave that stuff to us professionals, anonymous Internet Photoshopper. related: the five-blade Gillette Fusion—reviewed by copyranter.

RICH BITCHES EAT SH*T.

"OK! SPAMwiches or planked SPAM?!? Ooh, let's also make some Spork and Speef, and then spilt a fifth of vodka, and then (S)purge! Yay!!" (portion of a 1940 newspaper ad, via)

The Perth Zoo has artistic elephants.

(click ads, via) For you dolts out there who know even less about art than me, the two Photoshop-abused pachyderms above represent Van Gogh and Warhol. Anyway, the Perth Zoo has two elephants named Tricia and Permai who, apparently, make artwork using their trunks, their feet, and even paintbrushes. From the press note:
"The elephants...create paintings as part of an enrichment program designed to keep them stimulated, healthy and happy. Funds raised from their artworks go towards Perth Zoo's Wildlife Conservation Action to help protect threatened species worldwide."
$40 seems a fair price. I'd just like to point out to the Perth Zoo curators that if they want Tricia or Permai to recreate an iconic Warhol, just get them to piss on some copper. Previously in: Photoshop Animal Abuse.

Mohegan Sun wants to see your Jack-off Face.

(click poster, via) Yes, just email your masturbation mugshot to them, and you could win a blow job from a local Connecticut hooker. Shut-up Mohegan Sun—producers of one of the absolute worst print ads of all time. Related: Vegas.com asks: Are you a douchebag?

Design Update: human/drug trafficker luggage stickers.

(click images) Frustrated because you can't easily spot your generic baggage on airport carousels? Well! Vancouver design company The Cheeky has solved that problem, though they've created a potentially much worse one. Stickers are $15 each. Enjoy explaining your joke to customs officers as they ram a flashlight up your ass. Previously in: Design.

Design update: T&A motorcycle helmets.

(click images, via) Here you go, sleazy riders. Let the ladies know you were born to be fucking wild. The titty headgear even features a nipple piercing. Concept designs by Kazakhstan ad agency Good. As we know, everything in Russia sex (nsfw)! (Not part of Russia, I know.)

Jolly Green Giant upskirt.

(click ad, from 1947, via) You almost get a peek at his niblets. Just. Plain. Yikes. Digging that corny easy chair, though. Previous vintage Green Giant ads: He used to less giant, more scary. MUCH more scary.

(nsfw) No, THIS is the porniest American Apparel ad ever.

(Update: magazine is not associated with Terry Richardson, apparently. Read comments.) (click ad) From the latest issue of Richardson magazine, a UK "art" porn rag. Inventive setting, Dov. Anyway, poll time—which AA ad is the porniest (all nsfw):
• this.
• the ad at right.
• this Tap Panty ad.
• this stirrup socks ad.
• miss peek-a-cheeks here.
• the topless French cowgirl.
• the first naked ad in AA history.
• the flashing French street urchin.
• porn star Paola Rey maybe masturbating.
• And, probably Dov possibly getting his penis licked through cotton.

Link Haze, 7/24/10.

• Gin & Titonic.
• Teabagging tea bag.
• Goats on a billboard.
• Ten sex toys for men.
• True Love by Dan Witz.
• Trailer for "Sharktopus."
• NYC subway tunnel driller.
• Great photo of Hitchcock and his kids.
• Al "Kid Blanco" Gore III boxed at BB King's.
• Bad Vlad Putin on a Harley-Davidson tricycle.
• Selfridges' summer window installations are cool.

(click image, snapped on The Bowery last Fall) Well, well. Charlie Rangel, my Congressman, a poster boy for term limits, may finally get his comeuppance. Yes, most lawmakers do what Rangel has done. But we need much less hubris and much more humility from our elected officials. Politician shouldn't be a fucking career choice. Give it up, Charles. You're 80.

Got a Devil of a cold?

(click ad, from 1946, via) Constipation? Well, it was "compounded from proved medicines like doctors prescribe." Yeah, like doctor Killpatient there. Underneath the band on that head mirror, I betcha woulda found a 666 tattoo. Related: Floating HeadVertising posts one, two.

zombie.

Enjoy having that fucking song in your head all fucking weekend. Creative class with copyranter critique: the weak dialogue writing at the end of the spot kills it. By the Frankfurt office of Publicis. Previously: Renault gets Che Guevara to posthumously endorse its revolutionary Dacia Sandero.

Retro Torturous Pun-Vertising.

(click ad, from 1943, via) During WWII, advertisers tried to balance their sell messages with some rah-rah propaganda. Here, Seagram's awkwardly inserts a Hitler caricature ("the sabo-termite") into an ad about the smoothness of their Five Crown whiskey. Ouch, that headline. Ken Cole, did you write that in your previous life? Previously in: Torturous Pun-Vertising.

Ad Phallicism Update: Diesel Only The Brave.

(click ads) Diesel is currently promoting their Only The Brave men's fragrance in Mexico with a "mad mamacitas" campaign. There's some kind of contest at the site, Locas Por Tu Aroma (crazy for your aroma), for "brave" men to party with the mad mommies. This, I don't care about.
What I care about is how much these enlarged limited edition "Iron Man 2" prop decanters look like a man gripping his pene, a vision that didn't come to me until I saw these scantily-clad ladies straddling the dick cap. Thus concludes this copyranter ad phallicism update (via). Previously in: Ad Phallicism.

The most epically insane weight loss commercial ever made.

It's from New Zealand, from about 10 years ago, by an agency named Meares Taine (seemingly now defunct, judging by my two-minute Google search). It's for Xenical, a prescription drug for considerably overweight people. It is quite a crazy, literary, borrowed interest, roundabout sexist sell. Jesus. Alerted to it by adme.ru. Previously in Insanity:
• The most insane beer commercial ever.
• The most insane light bulb commercial ever.
• The most insane deodorant commercial ever.
• The most insane credit card commercial ever.
• (nsfw) The most insane fruit juice commercial ever.
• And, (nsfw) is this the most insane TV commercial ever produced?

sex tape.

(click ad, via) I don't know where this graphically-pleasing, logic-skirting ad for Scotch double-sided tape is running, but I'm guessing it's not in the current issue of Highlights. By the San Jose office of Ogilvy & Mather, where the creatives apparently desperately need to get laid. Previously: "$69 does (her) it."

Horsies are pretty. Let's use a horsie.

(click ad, scanned from the front page of today's Wall Street Journal) Investment firms sure do like putting animals in their ads. Bears and Bulls, of course. But also Lions and Rhinos and even King Kong. Now, venerable Morgan Stanley has chosen this lovely stock (don't mention stock!) photo of a windblown equine to illustrate their little wind power insight. Very worldly. Very wise. Here's a hundred mil. Previously, Morgan Stanley asked investors if they could tell the difference between a goat and a balloon.

Before Photoshop, there was PAIN.

(click ad, from 1902, via) Her measurements: 36-9-36. "Erect Form," alright, not that you had a choice. Please donate your kidneys, liver, and spleen before trying one on. Actually, it appears that much of the woman below the head was illustrated. This modern day Bergdorf Goodman model could wear that baby with room to spare.

Photoshoot Examination: the Fake Ketel One Drinking Klatch.

(click images) Since abandoning the Worst Alcohol Advertising Campaign in the History of Alcohol and Advertising™, Ketel One has rolled out a new effort with the inarguably idiotic tagline: "Gentlemen, this is vodka" (as opposed to...aardvark semen). Above is the double-page spread portion of a recent four-page insert ad. Let's look at the gentlemen:
"Moment in time" visual, the hackneyed print ad choice of many an alcohol brand and fashion label. All dressed exactly the same, like well-to-do SS officers on tropical leave. Did they call/dress each other? Stubble prevalent. One token black man, of course. Judging by the three facial expressions, the talking gentleman must be saying something fascinating.
Five glasses, four men. Someone double-fisting? No, silly, that's the client insisting that a drink be poured right next to the bottle. The bottle has too much hooch left in it to have been used to pour all those drinks. So, the gentlemen are on their second bottle/shitfaced? No, that's the industry standard three-quarters full bottle product shot.
Conclusion: This scene makes me very uneasy. I'd rather drink rotgut with three Bowery bums.
Previously: The Posing of Male Fashion Models: Deep Think.

Samsung fake stunt video better than most.

Via Austria, agency unknown. The eco challenge: Which printer—a Samsung CLX model or a "traditional" printer—can copy two color pages to one B/W page in 40 seconds. Setting, good. Casting, good. Music, good. Even the fake rocket launch and crash are pretty good. And I'm sold on the speed-of-use of the Samsung. Much better than Samsung's fake hockey stunt video created for the Vancouver Olympics to promote mobile recording. There're two more videos in the campaign, both not as good, featuring a cliffhanging truck and a giant fan (view here). Previous fake stunt videos: IBM Thinkpad (lame) • Surfing sheep (lame) • MTV (fake dog shit) • Diesel (funny) • Ray-Ban (stupid) • Ray-Ban (stupider).

In China, if you don't do the Dew, you'll contract an accelerated aging disease.

(click ads, via) The Soda Fountain of Youth. Headline translations: (L) 19-year-old Rita didn't do the Dew; (R) 18-year-old Tim didn't do the Dew. I'm digging sk8tr geezer Tim's Dirt Bag t-shirt. Wrinkly raving Rita's got some bitchin' earrings. China's FDA must have gotten paid off by PepsiCo. Campaign by BBDO Shanghai.
Previously in China Ad Watch.

Axe cures Premature Perspiration.

TV spot by Buenos Aires ad agency Ponce for new Axe Full Control that's only running in Argentina. Unilever's Axe/Lynx has of course unswervingly positioned itself, ad-wise, as the fragrance that aids males with the ebb and flow of two of their bodily fluids. Somehow, mooky manboys the world over have bought this bullshit. It's an amazing marketing story. Previous Axe/Lynx effect ads:
• it makes lingerie models strip.
• it makes Venus want to fuck Mars.
• it makes hot babes flock to your ark.
• it makes brainy babes want fuck you.
• it makes Hillary want to fuck Obama.
• it makes women shag you in the snow.
• it makes 116 students want to fuck you.
• it makes bikini models get in your pants.
• it makes women give you car blowjobs.
• it makes fallen angels want to fuck you.
• it makes female soccer fans take their shirts off.
• it makes 300 bikini babes want to shower with you.
• and it even cures hangovers.

Hey Fatty-Boombalatty: Don't be a Smelly-Boombalelly.

(click ad, via) Calling all Chubbies! The year was 1962. The magazine was Woman's Day. The ad was for Quest powder deodorant, "compounded specially to solve intimate odor problems...particularly suitable if you're inclined to be plump." Yes, I'm sure it was uniquely formulated for overweight girls, like the one pictured. What a dump truck. Devious copy almost certainly written by a Mad Man copywriter. The Quest brand doesn't appear to be around today.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Screaming Trees!

(click ad, via) Ha, yeah, made myself chuckle with that grunge rock humor post headline. Just in case you can't make out the words down there on this Greenpeace Brazil ad, they read, "When a tree falls, it takes other lives with it." Yes, but does it make a sound if no one is there to hear it? Shut-up, I'm hot and tired and I need a vacation. I've posted about many Greenpeace ads—good and bad—on Animal NY. Search through them here.

bp cleanup crews in Pensacola goofing off. For now.

The western-most city in the Florida panhandle is as happy as a (sludge-free) clam that Oil Armageddon hasn't fully hit their shores, and is trumpeting their good fortune with this tourism spot featuring two off-duty cleanup workers taking in the sights. At least, I think it's a (insensitive) tourism spot, and not a parody, since it's posted on the visit Pensacola YouTube page. Maybe bp should take this don'tworrybestupid tone in its advertising, instead of their disingenuous We Will Make This Right hooey. Even New Orleans thinks the worst environmental disaster in history is fucking hilarious. Thanks to Joseph Vinson for the tip. Previously in tourism ads: Las Vegas lamely mocks New York, invites all douchebags.

Bus Ad Creep Update: Indus Pride non-alcoholic beer.

(click image, via) It's Ad Creep update time!—the copyranter feature chronicling the modern phenomenon of ads creeping into every nook and cranny of your daily lives. The where: airport transit buses in India. The what: a new SAB Miller non-alcoholic beer (blecch) called Indus Pride. The how: plastic handles resembling beer mugs were attached to overhead bars in the buses. The verdict: they don't look very safe, though they do make thirsty to get drunk. By O&M Bangalore. This is not the first instance of straphanging-vertising we've seen: previously, an Indonesian hair salon placed fake hanging ponytails in commuter buses.

Another condom ad you'll Never EVER see in the U S of A.

(via) Reminiscent of the Catholic family scene from Monty Python's "The Meaning Of Life," this 2006 Durex spot via Croatia got straight to the fucking point of why to use a fucking condom. This practical anti-life prophylactic ad strategy is employed the world over, including Argentina, Brazil, New Zealand, India—pretty much everywhere but here: in Christian Amuurka. That's because we're fucking idiots.

Mercedes-Benz takes the aviators off of George Steinbrenner's dead eyes.

(click ad, via) Did George drive a Mercedes? Who cares? Mercedes-Benz certainly doesn't. "The Boss" of course was known for his ubiquitous aviator sunglasses. That, and the fact that he, more than any other individual, turned baseball from a pastime into a business. He was a winner? The Yankees World Series winning percentage was twice as high before his reign. Ad by New York agency Merkley+Partners. Previously: Levi's quickly puts its jeans on Ted Kennedy's dead legs. Previously: I hate the Yankees. (No, I am neither a Mets nor Red Sox fan. I used to be a baseball fan).