copyranter on ANIMAL NY: fake American Apparel ad artist gets Sapphic!

It's another fake AA ad artist Monday on copyranter! This time, using his/her familiar red-on-white technique, the prankster shows us some gentle girl-on-girl action. (link)

Subway Signs Punked.

(click images for closer look)
The subway platform ads aren't the only targets of NYC's various subterranean cut and paste parodists. Here, the MTA's innocuous subway signage gets childish makeovers. (L) Via Poster Boy NYC—having spent parts of about 20 summers on city trains, I can safely say that this command will be duly obeyed by many riders. (R) Snapped on an A train by the archeress—with the MTA cutting essential services left and right these days, I for one would have to strongly protest the spending of my fare money and taxes on such a frivolous, female amenity.

Fake American Apparel Ad Artist Sexes Up Mo Pitkin's.

(click image for closer look)
With what appears to be a big sticker, our insatiable merry NYC AA prankster takes over the window of the shuttered Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction on Avenue A. The "We're coming" headline is from this AA ad announcing the retailer's entry into the Japanese market. Of note is the bush peek: In the past, the artist's line-drawn models have always been completely, baldly Brazilian. (image via, as usual, stereo hell, where you view another recent fake AA ad featuring an ass-sniffing Chihuahua)

Link Haaazzze, 6/27/08.

• Army Elvis was my favorite. (link)
• Devo sues/doesn't like McDonald's. (link)
• The latest skeevy thing to blame on the pants-optional CEO: "douchebag-neck" t-shirts. (link)
• Spirit Airlines Brazilian airfare: $69 of course. (link)
• Discovery Channel's "When We Left Earth" bus stop poster mildly cool. (link)
• 1950s ad creatives created laughably misleading 1984 cover. (link)
• Old Spice spots were good. Now, not so good. (link)
• Every once in awhile, if you ride the NYC subway every day, you witness a scene that reminds you that you don't live in fucking Shangri-La. (link)
• Man vs. banner ads. (link)
• Texas senator's campaign ad is a parody of country classic Big Bad John. (link)
• Tampax—VERY ABSORBENT. (link)
• Exactly. (link)
• Air New Zealand made sure gays knew they were looking at a gay ad. (link)
• Robert Mugabe's TV ad, even funnier than his poster. (link)
• Craig Reynolds photography. (link, via)
• Hey 5'-9" guys—three-inch wedges for men. (link, via)
• Bank gives away ice cream; that'll calm people's financial worries. (link)
• Staying with banks, man screwed by Bank of America hangs "I hate Bank of America" sign on the side of his house; bank calls police; guy says he ain't taking down sign; police say OK. (link)
• Vice makes intern drink 6 cups of coffee made from cat shit. Remember this is Vice, so believe it or not. (link)
• 50 Cent, who's been shot 0-9 times, invites us to use him for target practice on the poster for G-Unit's next release. (link)
• Videogum is right: this video is going to cause many copycat injuries. (link)
• Lastly, Specter slyly subverts outdoor advertising. (link—click Projects and then Ad Project, via)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: It's Sexual "Episode" Friday.

There's a new male enhancement product on the US market—no wait!—this one's sure to work. It's endorsed by a porn star. (link)

UK Army recruitment ad looks like a little body bag.

(click image for closer look)
The UK Army is looking for a few directionless men (and women). And, just in case these rutted individuals didn't already feel fucking depressed enough about their bleak lives to call, text, or click, Publicis London made the double-page recruitment ad a pure, deep, heavy, textured BLACK. —which, as mentioned, looks quite a bit like a body bag. Art directors love them some black, don't they? Go from a rut to a hole, mate. previous armed forces recruitment ads: become part of our impenetrable shield; Me Tarzan. You Jane. Army Strong. Commercial Weak. An army of one model/actress; and the Swedish army's bizarre recruitment TV spots.

Harvey Nichols: the standard by which all other retail fashion ads should be judged.

(click ads for closer look)
For years now, the upmarket UK department store's ads have simply been the best in the world. Having myself worked on a retail fashion account, it's nice to see a client that's willing to take chances with their layouts. This campaign, via DDB London, is mediocre compared to past efforts, but it's still far superior to the usual American Gap crap. Locally, Daffy's has made some efforts over the years to rise above, but still—no comparison. Not that Harvey Nicks hasn't had the occasional embarrassing misstep (example).

FISH HEAD, FISH HEAD, ROLLY POLLY FISH HEAD...

(click ad for closer look)
I, for one, would welcome this transformation into a half-fish. In fact, I wish I could transform into a half-flying fish—I'd eat worms, no auto needed, no gas, no air fares, no ferry fares, shit I'd be set! God wouldn't have to empty his big ice trays in the sky, and Al Gore wouldn't have to consider producing any of these brilliant TV ideas I did for his "We Campaign." Melt icebergs, melt! (World Wildlife Fund ad via Belgium)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: ABSOLUT POETRY.

Most copywriters (not me) think they're real writers. They're not. But one ad guy/gal got to write an opus for Absolut vodka. Read it and weep. (link)

Varvatos continues desperate NYC cool grab.

(click ad for closer look)
First, after much fumigating, he set up shop in the carcass of CBGB. Now, he's opportunistically shot himself an edgy ad (underpants!) in front of the soon-to-be carcass of Florent, the last speck of dead coolness from the former meatpacking now meatheadpacking district. You're trying too hard, JV! Now: Iggy Pop was a smart move. Damn smart. You should have kept shooting him. But then, Velvet Revolver? And then this stupid Converse "Get Chucked" collaboration? Dude, just start a bad, aging white guy should-have-beens rock band and stop it! (scanned from this week's Time Out New York) related: I may have killed CBGB with this ad. Full disclosure: I own one Varvatos shirt. I've been to both Florent and CBGB several times, but not in the last 10 years (because I'm so fucking cool). I've slept with Iggy.

China favored to win gold medals in Killery and Synchronized Drowning.

(click ads for closer look)
Jeez, Amnesty International just will NOT leave poor China alone! By hosting this summer's Olympics, the People's Republic is desperately trying to do something nice for (most) all the Peoples of the world. But AI keeps bringing up those pesky "human" rights. You know what, China? As a gesture of goodwill, how 'bout you just let Amnesty march in the opening ceremonies? previous Amnesty International ads : Abu Ghraib torture porn video; beautiful Genital Mutilation print ads; graphic Female Feticide ad. (images via. these ads just won a Bronze Lion at Cannes. that'll show those Commies.)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Buygone Ad of the Week.

In the 70s, everything was sex. Music was sex. Dancing was sex. Eating was sex. And drinking club soda was sex. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Japanese cell phone company spot with a live monkey as Barack Obama.

That title pretty much sums it up. Go watch. (link)

Hitchcock—the matchmaking superhero.

(click poster for closer look)
It's bad enough that NYC Poster Boy Elephant-manned (update: with Eddie Murphy face parts from Meet Dave posters) Will Smith's beautiful face, but how dare he imply that one of our country's most-bankable actors doesn't have much range? Also, note that the subterranean prankster even changed the url to cock-movie.com (available!). Huh huh. previous NYC subway poster remixes: Iraq Wives; The Crapening; The Penis; Wet Fart; and Clooney-less Leatherheads.

The best porn blocker software ads ever via Germany.

(click ads for closer look)
Hilarious visuals. But "give the Internet back its innocence?" When was that? 1959? previous porn ads: XXX movie seeking Band of Horses; 1972 Akai video recorder ad—amateur porn is born; Zombie Strippers—write some new taglines.

Army Wives poster suicide bombed.

(click poster for closer look)
NYC subway pranksters, who recently remixed The Happening into The Crapening and The Penis and turned Get Smart into Wet Fart, have graduated from 8th grade and moved on to high school poli sci class. I give him a B+. Army Wives just started its second season on Lifetime. (images, except The Penis, via Poster Boy)

creative classroom with copyranter: Mugabe campaign poster.

(click poster to read)
Though his opponent has quit the race because the reigning despot was basically threatening to kill every person who didn't vote for him, let us still examine Robert Mugabe's plucky-but-ugly campaign poster.
Since present conditions in Zimbabwe suck dirt, Mugabe understandably decided to focus on the past to fire up some patriotism, while also reminding the ungrateful citizenry that it is because of HIM that they've been independent since 1980. However, R-Mug's no idiot; he realizes that the downtrodden people need some assurance that the future is going to be better. And, like any good politician, he addresses this need with a slogan that promises absolutely nothing. But "all good things are possible" is maybe the worst campaign slogan ever recorded. It's even weaker than 2005 NYC mayoral hopeful Freddy Ferrer's. Mugabe might have done better by taking note of the brutally honest slogan used by fellow African autocrat Charles Taylor that got him reelected in a landslide in 1997.
Art direction-wise, the layout is an absolute mess. I do dig the image of the English colonial being lugged around by the enslaved natives, but I would have made it much larger while decreasing the size of the Mugabe photo (which is how old, Robert? Tsk tsk.). I like the "100% Empowerment" call-out, though I would have mimicked American sales circulars and placed it inside a brightly-colored starburst. But the poster's visually torturous—way too much copy, and all the competing typefaces/colors/weights are headache-inducing.
So overall, I give it a D, especially since a subsidiary of Y&R has been assisting Mugabe. previously in political slogans: ANTI-BUSH, PRO-COCK; Nikita Krushchev—"Politicians are the same all over..."

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Skyy raises the ad phallicism bar.

The alcohol bottle as penis? Nothing new. But a penis would be nothing without testicles. Skyy overtly acknowledges this in a new print ad for their flavored vodkas. (link)

Link Haze, 6/20/08.

• High heels for baby girls (or boys) who can't walk yet. Ha? (link)
• Hongo Killer, an ad icon you're probably not familiar with yet. (link)
• Astro Boy's being made into a movie...bombs away! (link)
• I'm glad somebody scanned in one of these idiotic Northwestern Mutual ads. (link)
• WonderBra holds open ad casting call in London for lots and lots of tits. (link)
• Italy, epicenter of the Renaissance, is producing some of the stupidest TV spots today. Here's a sampling: (link)
• This dentist must really fuck his patients. (link)
• Pic of the week: lesbians kissing in Tiananmen Square. (link)
• b-boy Abe Lincoln origami. (link)
• Thanks to the NRA, this PSA will never run in the USA. (link)
• cp+b's employee bus is called "Disruptive Thinker Transport" and is adorned with fake bullet holes. Jesus Fucking Amazing Christ. (link)
• Martin Luther King, Jr.'s National Mall statue de-angrified. (link)
• craigslist ad of the week: seeking a copywriter/security guard. (link, via)
• Intrusive ad of the week: Trojan message in the bottom of your beer pint. (link)
• Finally, a guy writing for SomethingAwful back in 2006 prank chatted with several porn stars. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: ABSOLUT OPPORTUNISM.

Vodka will save sweet Mother Earth. Absolut has made it their mission to sell as many cases of hooch as possible via hand-wringing eco-consciousness. (link)

The most sexist beer ads ever produced?

(click ads for closer look)
WOW. I thought this Czech blow-up doll beer commercial was bad. These ads for Coopers Premium Light Lager via Singapore (all male creative team, naturally) hit women with a double shot of misogyny. "Only 2.9% alcohol" reads the copy, meaning you'll stay sober enough to notice that the pretty party girl is a fatty(L) and that the chesty bar girl is an ugly (she's quite cute, actually). I'm not even going to go into all the bad Photoshopping/retouching. And these ads just won a bronze medal in the Press category at the Cannes advertising festival. Amazingly, unforgivably tasteless. (previously: 1, 2 more examples of misogynistic ads)
update 6pm: you'll notice that that blond has an engagement ring on her left hand. Also you'll notice that the freckled-girl is very young. So, I think that my pretty/fatty, chesty/ugly interpretation is not what the agency/advertiser is trying to communicate. They're trying to say 'drinking Coopers keeps you from hitting on engaged women or underage girls.' Though, judging by the comments, they've failed miserably (but still, why is the blond overweight? Anybody?). Either way, they're still bad, sexist ads. update: What do you think? Go vote on a poll about the ads on PollsBoutique.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: When Doctors Do Ads.

Go take a look at the dumbest PSA I've ever seen; it's for childhood obesity and features a forlorn fat kid on a see-saw. (link)

There Are A Lot Of FishDicks In The Sea.

(click ads for closer looks) That's the most penis heads (L) I've ever seen in an ad. These AIDS prevention ads via France just won a bronze medal at Cannes. The illustrations are wonderful, though the female version is the much more inventive of the two. Compared to Ken Cole's asinine AIDS prevention ads, these are golden. related: Sarah Silverman's leaked World AIDS day song lyrics for a never-produced Gap commercial.

Joe's Jeans biting American Apparel's ass-thetic.

(click pics for close-up)
The Ass Crack is the go-to fashion ad allurement these days (well, even more so than in the past). And nobody exploits it (examples 1, 2, 3, 4, and brave Dov defender Claire Salinda, above right) like AA's pants-optional CEO. So it's no surprise that a small upstart jeans brand (update: not upstart, smallish) would desperately attempt to generate buzz via bare butt. Note the fake tattoo. Bravo brainlessness? (Not pictured: the first ad in the series which featured the same model lifting her skirt slightly to reveal a lack of panties.) (poster on Kenmare near Elizabeth) update: PollsBoutique just posted a poll about the Joe's Jeans ad.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Jennifer Aniston's latest SmartWater billboard.

She's had the sweet endorsement gig for a couple of years now. But none of the ads have been as stupid as this one. The "reflection" hard-sell copy must make the actress absolutely cringe. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: BuyGone Ad of the Week.

It's another h.i.s jeans ad. Instead of Nick Nolte, this time we get a shirtless black man in maybe the ugliest pair of plaid slacks ever. Slack Power! (link)

Cheetos Phallicism.

(click HERE to watch the video)
Almost certainly (but not officially) part of the Cheetos Orange Underground movement, it's an 8+ minute self-shot video of a pasty, doughy man named Jeff (here's his "artwork" Website) wearing a green bag over his head and dressed in tightie blackies and purple socks making awkward, sweet love to a huge Cheeto made out of hundreds of little Cheetos (it's one of his pieces entitled "Cheetos Y"—Cheetos, epoxy resin, steel, 2006) while horribly chanting/singing "I love you Cheetos" over and over and over to a generic annoying techno track. Make sure and read his Cheetos Manifesto (here, scroll down). I have nothing to add. previous strange videos: hot SuperModels playing with fatty meats and potato salad; Scantily-clad lesbians and ejaculating man-tree utilized to sell fruit drink; and PETA creates Zombie Colonel Sanders.

(nsfw) American Apparel matchbook (of course) features boobies.

(click image for closer look)
Yes they're official AA matches, and yes, that's the same model (and same photo shoot) from a nsfw French American Apparel ad from last December. In somewhat related news, American Apparel retail stores are now selling the Hitachi Magic Wand vibrator. Which is not the one pants-optional CEO Dov Charney is holding is this recent beautiful fake ad by the brilliant fake American Apparel ad artist. Thus concludes your American Apparel update for the day.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: PETA's sexy, bloody KFC stunt.

Two nearly naked "chicks" in a see-through tub of bloody water to protest poultry cruelty. (link)

Svedka continues amateurish gay marketing.

(click ad for closer look at the unoriginal Svedka fembot, a direct ripoff of the Björkbot created by director Chris Cunningham)
It's well known in marketing circles that Absolut became the cool hooch of the 80s by first becoming the cool hooch of the gay community. But Absolut did this with the aid of cool ads, not badly-written, pandering ads (previous examples 1,2,3,4). Yes Svedka sales are up up up, but that's mainly because it's new new new and cheap cheap cheap. Let's see where they are in ten years. (ad via MultiCultClassics)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Ralph Lauren saves East Hampton.

It's my first non-strictly advertising rant on Animal New York! It's about super-rich people doing super-important work out in super-exclusive East Hampton. (link)

Link Haze, 6/13/08.

• Well looky here: Obama isn't the only politician adept at the "terrorist fist jab," as idiotic FoxNews called it. (link)
• Speaking of racism and Obama, it's the Obama SockMonkey. (link)
• Svedka offered Hillary Clinton free vodka for life. (link)
• TreeHugger takes a studied look at Green branding. (link)
• Trojan's handing out free condoms in NYC today, "...to stop blistering New York 'heat' of another kind." (link)
• MGD Light ad says humans have "almost" 64 fingers/toes. (link)
• Parasites! (link)
• New Bridezillas bus stop installations. (link)
• Let us reflect on Jesus for a moment. (link)
• Gummi penises (oops). (link)
• The million dollar petite clutch. (link, via)
• The £9,170 Chanel fly-fishing kit. (link)
• Florida pizza joints oh-so-touching tribute ad to 9/11. (link)
• Clive Owen's face girlified for Lancôme ad. (link)
• Canned bottled water. (link)
• Yet another despicable diamond ad. (link)
• Rip Torn is not sexual-predator stock art. (link)
• Ironic Sans latest brainstorm: The Progress Bar. (link)

• craigslist ad of the week: 100 large panties, rainbow colors...(link)

• lastly, Gentle Eye Remover, only $4.89. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: advertising gets more intrusive.

Ads Everywhere! On buildings! On sidewalks! On heads! On asses! And now, in the bottom of your shopping carts. (link)

FedEx's annoying in-store banner-selling banner.

(click banner for closer look)
It's super-liminal stupidity. This is one of those times when you wish you could reach through time and space and rip down an advert and crumble it into a ball and then take it outside and cram it down into the sewer—because that's what this fucking banner deserves. If you've ever been inside a FedEx/Kinkos, you'll fully understand when I say, 'I don't want fucking wiseass messages from you, I want some fucking CUSTOMER SERVICE!' previously in customer service: Heathrow terminal 5 passengers—apparently dolphins ran off with your luggage; Bank Pen Wars—Commerce vs. Chase; you must be at least this overjoyed to work for Radio Shack; Toys-R-Us—the closest I've ever come to firebombing a store; and, comparing Bail Bonds advertisements. (image via)

Actually these days, it deserves a fifth of Jack and a couple of Klonopin.

(Click poster for closer look. Looks like David Wright swinging, but I think it's just some non-Met model guy.)
Seriously, the Mets need something a little stronger to sponsor their game-blowing asses these days. Like maybe an absinthe brand or heroin (even the Yankees got Johnnie Walker). But despite that stupid made-up meaningless marketing phrase "Superior Drinkability," at least Bud Light's got the messaging right: If you go to Shea, start drinking in the first inning and don't stop. C'mon Billy Wagner, you're fucking killing my girlfriend! previous Mets/Yankees posts: Bank of America ad features typical asshat Yankee fan; Introducing Bleacher Creature cuff links; my shrink says—watch more Mets games; A-Rod's big pants and milk moustache; Yankee clubhouse soon to smell like whorehouse. (snapped at the W4th subway station)

fake American Apparel ad artist gets VERY insidery.

(click images for closer look)
What's with Bambi? you're probably asking. NEVER question an artisan. This is the ad he/she is referencing. Please take note of the switch in medium—from paste-up poster to drawing right on the wood with white chalk/ink. 'Post No Bills', you say, authorities? No problemo. Also take note of the crude labium minora/majora peek, an oft repeated element in the Series. Some of you may want to point out that the model isn't actually wearing leggings. SO WHAT! GOD, you're all such unseeing literal ninnies. (near Union Square, images via, as usual, stereo hell)

OK guys, give us "Extreme Ungregariousness"

(click poster for closer look)
AL: You know what was a righteous kill, Bobby?
BOB: Fuck you, asshole.
AL: C'mon, Bobby...
BOB: Scarface?
AL: C'mon Bobby...
BOB: Go Fuck yourself, asshole.
AL: Planes flying overhead...
BOB: You're such an asshole.
AL: C'mon, hold my hand again...
BOB: BLOW. ME.
Righteous Kill opens everywhere in September (snapped on Bleecker). other movie posters/ads: Kill Bill, American Psycho, American Psycho (again), Niki Gets Lost In BushDick, Zombie Strippers, Rambo; Rambo vs. Rimbaud, Good Luck Chuck, Spider-man 3 cheeseburger, Saw III blood drive, Leatherheads (reworked), Get Smart (reworked), The Happening (reworked), The Happening (reworked, again).

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Swedish kids guzzling biofuel.

Did you know you can quaff biofuel? You can—right from the pump!—at least according to print ads from a Swedish bus company. (link)

...because Gay Men are not VIP Men.

(click ads for closer look)
Think Like A Man! Print ads for VIP, a Brazilian magazine for men. HETEROSEXUAL men. REAL men. MEN who like looking at half-naked pics of chicks. Which is a pastime that GAY men do NOT like. That's why VIP always features pics of half-naked chicks on the cover. So that GAY men who happen to think that they're VIPs will not mistakenly buy a copy of VIP. Insecure much, macho homophobic Brazilian dudes? (sidenote: the It's Raining Men one is pretty funny). previously in gays and advertising: Tom Ford's overly heterosexualized print ads; McDonald's targets gay sluts; Bud Light tells gays OK to be gay; Orbitz sez Grab Your Poles; Sarah Silverman's leaked Happy World AIDS Day song for The Gap; Jontex Condoms—it's raining (se)men; Converse—God Save Queens; Svedka vodka—I'm a gay man trapped in the body of a fembot; Svedka vodka—preferred by Homometrosexuals™; Svedka vodka—didn't know your husband was gay? (images via)

Dead Eyes And Tears...

(click ad for fake disgusting-ness)
The Red Cross endlessly needs oceans of blood, yes, but they also need lots and lots of bloody eyeballs freshly ripped out of our still-warm dead heads. The best way to convey this vital message—at least according to this ad for the Thai Red Cross Eye Bank—is to show a landfill filled with overflowing trashbags of mutant, oversized peepers. Eww? And ineffective? Here's a much better eye bank ad. previously in bloody advertising: There Will Be Blood, acknowledges French Tampax ad; and a Mind Is A Terrible Thing If It's Hemorrhaging. (thanks to Jeremy Russell for the image. As all NYC subway riders know, actor Jerry Orbach donated his eyes.)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Brits attack Mt. Rushmore!

In Web ads heralding the launch of their new American news site, the Guardian digitally carved a big stupid ugly 'g' between Teddy and Abe. (link)