Link Haze, 1/29/10.

• Chicks dig tanks.
• Yikes!—this outfit.
• Need a job? Here you go.
• Miss Russia 2010 casting call.
• Dr. Pepper flash mobs the NYSE.
• Twee report: the Tea Submarine.
• We're either stupid or self-deluded.
• Cute, obedient Belarusian border dog!
• Skateboarders: a vintage Mountain Dew spot.
• Winter in NYC: Olde English 800 with a straw.

Shiny Naked CK Model over Houston St.

(click image) Fresh CK billboard up this morning. His name is David Agbodji, according to Homotography, and he's part of the new Calvin Klein Spring/Summer 2010 ad campaign. Well! After the outrageous reaction to a previous CK orgy board by the prudish downtown NYC set, I'm thinking taut, five-story Mr Agbodji is going to light up the switchboard. Previous big billboards on this corner:
The G-Star Glory Hole.
Kate Moss doing Blow.
Svedka lesbian fembot.
Floating Minogue head.
Fuck You, Tiffany Santa.
Topless CK beach model.
Madonna materializing girl.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Predator Watch.

These print ads are just fucking creepy. (link)

The best god damn bedwetting ads you'll ever see.

(click ads, via) A Kimberly-Clark product, Goodnites underpants offer "the softest nighttime protection for your child" (tagline: "lighten the night"). Pissing oneself in one's sleep must be pure trauma for a kid (And for an adult, too! Well, until you reach a certain age.). But instead of focusing on the negative, Seoul ad agency Diamond Ogilvy created these wonderful illustrations featuring a naked boy enjoying fantastic urine dreams—mimicking a spouting whale, and helping to put out a forest fire. Wee, pee! For roundups of ads I've liked, go here and here.

Fake help-wanted ads for "Mass Effect 2"

(click ads, via) First off, I am not a "Gamer," never have been, never will be. However, this effort for the new EA futuristic role-playing blow shit up game—via Australian ad agency US Sydney—seems pretty damn smart. FYI: Cerberus is a "black-ops organization" within the game. The agency placed these recruitment ads on Seek, Australia's leading jobs site. A fair amount of people, including Gamers, are un(or under)employed these days. But! Serious Gamers will always find the funds for their favorite titles, amirite?
related: Kiwi Army looking for a few good Tetris players.

ha.

(click image, via)
Previously: Unable to find a French basketball player who could dunk, or even make a lay-up, Nike resorts to shooting an ad with a Crazy Horse cabaret dancer.

Wonder if Phoebe Cates owns one of these?

(click image) It's the "Gizmo skirt," with ear pockets and Swarovski crystal eyes. By Brian Lichtenberg. $2,100.00. Sorry ladies, only available in Small. Is Gremlins 3 secretly in the works or something? Is there a Stripe version? (thanks to Imogen for the tip.) Previously: It's a vintage men's fashion Ugly-Off!

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Bayer.

Without question, these are the stupidest farm animal parasite drug ads I've ever seen. (link)

shoes on a platter floating above a naked woman.

(click ad, via) Why do many men's shoe ads include female sexualization (dumb question, I know)? Is it because shoes are long and hard? We've seen a miniaturized Geisha girl shoelace-tied to a dress Oxford. Naked anonymous models holding handmade British footwear, phallically. And busty, dirty little shoe polishers. And here, from the 70s, the most disconnected example via some Wisconsin company called Nunn Bush (still in business!). In my youth, I had a pair similar to the far left shoe. I also had a light blue leisure suit. I'm gonna stop now with the oversharing.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Fly53.

The streetwear brand got an advert—featuring a man about to blow the head off another man—banned by the UK's ASA. The audience for the ad just went from about 50,000 to millions. (link)

LADY GAGA IS DEAD.

(click ad, via) At least, she is in this ad, via Dublin ad agency bloom, for Irish Internet radio station i102-104. Because—GET IT?—she was speared by Britney. ha (i wanted to make that an even smaller 'ha,' but this is as small as fucking Blogger allows type to be). Previous ads with Britney Spears in them: MTV sez "you're idiots, we're responsible." Spears helps old Russian ladies learn English. Chinese Panadol ad blames Spears for the H1N1 pandemic. Previous bad Punvertising.

Well? That made it easier for them to count to 4.

(click ad, via) Posting this late 1960s Tit...Tiparillo advert now because our Census office is also apparently still living in the past. Previous ads in this ridiculously sexist campaign were equally booby.

I WOULD spread the word about HIV, but I can't talk with this condom on my tongue.

That would be some uncomfortable oral, wouldn't it boys and girls? This concept, by the Milan office of agency.com, is what we ad folk like to call a "first idea." Usually, first ideas end up in the trash can, like used condoms. Also, this video should have been about half as long. Here's the accompanying website for the effort. And here's a bunch of people with condom's on their tongues (the ones with green rubbers are especially disgusting). Previous HIV awareness ads: (nsfw) Pubes. Old-timey Porn. Super depressing. Condom-suffocated Chihuahua. Handsy. 14,123 condoms? Ken Cole handbags=AIDS. And trippy.

Fashion Ad Hooey Of The Week.

(click ad, scanned from the latest Gotham) This almost makes me like the new Diesel stupidity. Fellow Italian fashion brand Brunello Cucinelli gets all Eastern philosophical with an unknown (Google and Bartlett's turned up zilch) gooey bit of hooey, combined with a probable stock photo of an Asian girl in dirty stockings with cherries on them. Their website is full of more thoughtful bullshit from Dostoevsky, Socrates, etc. Free scholarly sound bites: I guess that's one way to try to justify charging $1,000 for sweaters.
Previous pretentious fashion ads:
Uniqlo.
Superette.
Meltin' Pot.
Kate Spade.
Frankie Morello.
Comme de Garçons.
Ermenegildo Zegna.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Nicabate nicotine patches.

Oh looky: a kangaroo and an emu smoking cigarettes. (link)

(NSFW) An anonymous woman doing chores in lingerie.

update: if YouTube removes it again, click here to watch. Every lazy (physically and mentally) man's fantasy. Ad agency-less video for unmentionables brand Damaris by Justin Anderson (via). Said the director: "I asked girls about their cleaning routine and the answers I got were as hilarious as they were varied. High on the list was wearing underwear whilst doing the cleaning..." I find that doubtful. Must've been a limited survey sample. It's quirkiness is somewhat appealing, but why does the woman remain anonymous (pay scale? though, there are a couple quick face peaks.)? Warning: the end credits roll over the model's bare ass as she stands in the shower. Not long for YouTube. Previously: Video of models playing with fatty meats and potato salad. Video of a pasty, doughy man named Jeff playing with a giant Cheetos.

PUCKER UP, ASSHOLE.

(click ads, via) Wow, those are some seriously immense symmetrical external hemorrhoids. Coway electronic bidets "love your tush"...as long as it's clean. And waxed. And bleached. Via Seoul, South Korea ad agency Innocean Worldwide. 
Previous asshole metaphor visuals: Unlock your brown ass door with Kellogg's All-Bran. Cool your burning chocolate starfish with Novartis hemorrhoid cream. Public bathroom Sphinctertising via Silk Soft toilet paper.

Text for Haiti.

It's a little too cute for my tastes, but it is simple (and cheap!) and effective. Help out, fellow soulless ad folk. Agency: N=5 Amsterdam (via). Previously: This is how to advertise global warming awareness on YouTube.

DDT ad of the week.

(click ad, via) It's Trimz DDT-coated children's room wallpaper. Your choice of patterns parents of 1947: Jack and Jill, or Disney favorites—"gay new patterns that protect as they beautify..." "Safe," because "the DDT is fixed to the paper. It can't rub off (or lick off, I guess)!" Previously: DDT is good for m•e•e! Brain cancer breast cancer liver cancer whee!

Are there no thieves in Lima?

Peru's Interbank has 150 offices nationwide and total assets (2008) of $14.57 billion, according to Wikipedia. To let Peruvians know that "your money is safe in Interbank," their ad agency, JWT Lima, erected a few fish tank installations on the streets of the main banking zones of the city. Inside the tanks were some pretty fat packs of Benjamins (why not nuevos soles?), some rocks, annnd some piranhas. The bank claims "the money was kept intact, nobody dared touch it." This is bullshit; there had to be security personnel assisting the toothy guard fish. In this economy, in any economy, somebody would've put on protective gloves and robbed them blind. The US Dollar isn't that devalued (via). Previously in: Live fish ad installation. Live tadpole ad installation.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: mystocks.de.

Go watch two new sick spots for a German online investing site. (link)

Link Haze, 1/22/10.

• Crayola's law.
• 10 weird penises.
• WK is in Paris (wish I was).
• This dropped food chart (above) is not YES enough.
• Jets owner Woody Johnson must've loved his daughter.
• Local update: The ridiculous Idiotarod is next Saturday.
• Bail bonds spot of the week (here's a print roundup I did in 2006).
• Man "jumps" into giant Reese's peanut butter cup from Brooklyn Bridge.
• Alex Bogusky's (copyranter Equine's Posterior® Award-winner) new title is: Chief Creative Insurgent.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: The grey-headed flying fox.

An Australian ad agency hung upside-down gray crosses in trees across Sydney to protest the killing of this endangered animal. (link)

груди сосиски.

(click image, via) In-teresting. In Slovenian sausage billboards, the meat plays the part of a tit-fucking penis (nsfw). While in Russia here, the meat is the tits. Must be a provincial cultural thing. Headline (mine, not the billboard's) translation: sausage breasts.
Previous Phallic Meatvertising:
Dickman's Meat.
Hillshire Farms: Go Meat!
Arby's Introduces the Mellon Burger.

(*jesus*)

(click ad, scanned from this week's Onion) Via NYC's Nolita House website: "Nolita House's friendly setting conveys a neighborhood charm where guests can experience great comfort food, libations, artisan cheese and entertainment in a relaxed environment." Hmm. No hint of juvenileness there. Maybe this ad has something to do with their love of "Snookie" (sic) from Jersey Shore? related: OMFG! related: Mexican restaurant features chilled TP in the bathrooms.

This week's most ridiculous buygone® product.

(click image, via) There's 3,000 of these hand-numbered masterpieces out there somewhere. And what a lucky man you are if you own one of them. If you're too young to know who Keith Emerson is, first, I hate you, and second, fuck you. Only $148.99 for this "astounding sculpture" created in painstaking detail by "artists."
Previous ridiculous buygone® products:
The "Oral Sex" Phone.
The original doggie bag.
Jigger whiskey toothpaste.
The "Me Jane" clothes hanger.
The Separate Sack Suspensory.

Start a revolution, gaily, in $176 distressed jeans.

(click ads, via) Previous print executions for Italian jeans brand Meltin' Pot (tagline: I dream. I am.) have featured hot women in lingerie and pig masks, and a man in a pig mask with hot women in lingerie. Now, for their new 129€ MP 001 pre-beaten-up jeans, we have, finally, a pig mask-less campaign. One scene features a man shooting love shells (penises) out of his cannon (also a penis). The other ad's bomb(penis)-riding shot is reminiscent of Slim Pickens's famous scene from Dr. Strangelove. Stupid. But, more or less stupid than Diesel's new Be Stupid campaign?

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: MADD.

The Mothers, literally, beat teens over the head about the brain damage risks of drinking. (link)

Set Phaser to 'Smack'

(click image, via) As you can tell by the name sewn on his uniform, this is a Star Trek character known as "Spock." He knows that "space energy comes from Sugar Smacks" (not Tang). Which is why he starts his day, every day, with a bowl, or probably a liquid pouch. You should too, kid, otherwise—judging by his pose and expression—Spock will fucking disintegrate you. Previous strange cereal box.
Previous cereal ads:
Trix are for (severely depressed) kids.
All-Bran uses blocked asshole visual metaphor.
Frosted Flakes are Gr-r-reat for gay little tigers and ugly little tigresses.

Here comes Airport ScannerVertising.

(click ad, via) If there's one thing ad agencies are good at (other than decorating lobbies), it's quickly and questionably exploiting the cultural zeitgeist. Here, Berlin ad agency Glow has hastily (and badly) produced a glowy, scanny ad for Montreal-based lingerie company Blush (stores worldwide). Yeah. So, ladies? From now on when you're flying, make sure you're wearing some sexy high-end unmentionables to arouse those hot, hunky airport security gentlemen; they'll totally miss the hidden explosives. Note: we've seen this same basic lingerie ad visual trick before.
Previous lingerie ads: Gory. Empowering. NSFW. Nipple-less. Ridiculous. Mildly humorous. Boring.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Wrangler.

The most pretentious jeans campaign in recent memory just got pretentious-er. (link)

...and, maybe, just maybe, buy yourself a little life insurance.

(click ad, via) Sweet glowing Jesus, what an aggressive passive-aggressive insurance-selling advert from the Cold War year of 1951. Click the ad, and enter Mutual of Omaha's Wild Tale Kingdom. The copy is flash-blindly optimistic. "Your immediate reaction much be to shield yourself from the flash of brilliance"—Yes, drop and cover your head with your suit jacket, fat man/little boy (the bomb can't see me!), and everything will be just fucking fine—as long as you hold your position "for at least 10 seconds." Also, according to the informative yet bleak drawing, as long as I was a mere 2 miles from the epicenter, it looks like I would've been scot- and blast-free. Which was just a hot white lie.
Previous retro nuclear bombvertising:
The 39 kiloton exclamation point!
Massachusetts A-Bomb Protection pamphlet.
Even this (mushroom) cloud has a silver lining.

Retro Bra Ad Of The Week.

(click ad, via) Travel back to October 1941 with me and meet the mutantly-proportioned minx Dot Cole, official little spokes-thang for the Formfit Life bras. That's it Dot baby, touch your toes—are you not wearing panties?!? I'd write a nasty limerick for you, but I'm a little busy. Maybe you can add one in the comments (PervertRanter wrote this post).
Previous Retro Bra Ads:
1950s—The bra of Hollywood starlets, $1.00.
1963—Frederick's blow-up bras.
1970s—The Nipple Bra™.

The creepy King enters Russia.

This spot by Moscow agency The Creative Factory marks the King's advertising entry into the Russian market, according to adme.ru. Rather literal, rather dull, and consistent with the stupid King-as-sex-symbol American campaign. Previous Burger King ads:
The new King of blowjob ads.
BK Japan bites White Castle.
Flame-broiled contextual advertising.

Air New Zealand's Cougar-tising.

This faux Animal Planet-style documentary video (via) promoting a "Cougar Pride" rugby cheerleader contest (which closed last night) has upset Kiwi women's rights groups. Gee, wonder why? Ad agency: 99 Auckland. Previously in: amazingly misogynistic advertising.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: AIDES Foundation.

Pretty cool video via France where crude bathroom stall graffiti comes to life. (link)

(NSFW) The latest from American Apparel's crack ad team: Nipples and Porn.

(click ads, via) Left, new AA Japan ad. Nipples yet again. At least the pants-optional CEO is mixing it up, body parts-wise, in the Land of the Rising Sun. His inaugural Japanese ad featured ass cheeks. Right, it's Dov's new adult performer fave Faye Reagan, star of such short films as Cock Pigs and Fuck For Dollars 5. No, I'm not a follower of her career trajectory, I was informed of her identity when I happened to post her first AA ad. Rather demure pose, especially when compared to past AA porn star ads. To those of you wondering why I continue to follow this inartful sullying of Helvetica, well it's just an admittedly misguided mission that started 3 and 1/2 years ago.

In Thailand, even the cookies flash you.

(click ads, via) Previously in the skeevy sex capital of the world, we've seen E.D. humor used to sell fabric softener, and farm animal necrophilia used to sell meat seasoning. Now, via print ads by Bangkok ad agency K I D, pixlelated naughty bits are used to sell chocolate and strawberry-filled cookies or biscuits or something (a Lotte product, whose name means "sweetheart of your mouth"). Note the pixelations: wang for the male koala bear cookie, and breasts and nookie for the pink bear cookie. Why is the copy line not "EAT ME!!!"?

Harrison Ford's movie career heading in the wrong direction.

(click poster, snapped on The Bowery near Houston) I didn't alter the photo. This bus-stop poster for Extraordinary Measures was installed (?—see comments) backwards by alert transit workers. Related: did you see the apparently shitfaced Ford present during last night's Golden Globes? Previous noteworthy movie posters:
Rambo.
Saw III.
Kill Bill.
Knocked Up.
Zombie Strippers.
Alien vs. Predator.
American Psycho one, two.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Women of the KKK.

On MLK day, let's take a look back at a 1923 recruitment ad for "Protestant, Gentile, American Women." (link)

Link Haze, 1/15/10.

• Tea-shirts (twee!).
• "You are not cool."
• David Brooks is stupid.
• Dead PheasantVertising.
• Amtrak's airport security bin-vertising.
• Pet hair pillows & Playboy brand heroin.
• Clarence Thomas nearly asks a question?
• 1963: The Rolling Stones for Rice Krispies.
• Men/boys in American Apparel colored briefs.
• Ocean Spray employee insults ad creative via voice mail.

Revolting chocolate ads.

(click ads, via) "The dark side of sweetness" alright. Which of these ads for Caribú bitter chocolate is the sickest? The chick in the meat grinder, or the poisoning of little Sis? Well, creative nit, that's not what a baby chick would look like coming out of meat grinder, that's for sure. But hey, the ads are for adults, right, so I should lighten up? Thing is, if you're advertising food, turning someone's stomach is just a stupid idea. The obvious question here is: did the ads run/are they scheduled to run? The agency, El Garaje Lowe in Lima, Peru, does list full in-house credits at the source, so maybe? Previous disgusting food ad visuals:
Subway's stomach sub.
Orbit's puke-flavored gum.
McDonald's human finger fries.
The Spider-man 3 cobweb cheeseburger.
Manhattan's most disgusting Gyro posters.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: UK underage drinking.

These British children are maybe the cutest kids ever in a commercial. Watch how they cutely talk about future drunken outings. (link)

It's a dead Friday.

(click ad, via). "The value of a casket is hard to determine." This here was some right devious casket selling messaging by National Caskets (look for the trade-mark). How dare you turn the page on disgusted page-turning lady? Previously in coffins:
Skin cancer awareness coffin-shaped beach towels.
The 2008 Coffin Cuties Necrophilia Calendar.
WonderBra's coffin humor commercial.
PETA's overpriced eco-coffins.

(slightly nsfw) Naked women pose with huge food for the W Network.

(click ads, via) Campaign for the show "How To Look Good Naked Canada" (the US version airs on Lifetime, hosted by Carson Kressley) where women are encouraged to strip nude for the camera to boost their self-esteem. Well. The "muffin top" lady has a bit of a muffin top, I suppose. But the pear-shaped woman isn't at all, really. Her butt is rather decently proportioned, though she's certainly not shaped like an auto lock jimmy like this anorexic Bergdorf Goodman model. Ad agency: zig in Chicago. Previously in: Marketing to Women.

Fashion shot of the week.

(click image, via) This is a photo from an editorial series called "Comforting Hands" by Swedish photographer Karolina Henke. I don't know the what/why of the shoot, but I'm assuming it wasn't for an in-home Senior care brochure. Previous racy fashion photos:
Kate Moss Ass Over Noho (nsfw).
Duncan Quinn: The NoLita Strangler.
Lanvin's skinless topless model (nsfw).
Tom Ford's butt-naked cock-grabber (nsfw).
Zero Degrees ads feature fine ass hairs (nsfw).
Dakota Fanning about to be raped for Marc Jacobs.
Yes, I an purposely leaving American Apparel ads out of this post.

Today in Yesteryear's Unintentional Ironic Cigarette Advertising.

(click ad, via) This 1949 Embassy cigarettes ad was speaking to you deep-smoking ladies metaphorically, of course.
Previous ironic retro cig ads:
1930—Lucky Strikes do not "reduce flesh"
SPUD—"a cigarette manufacturer is not a physician."
The Marlboro Man visits gay Pari?

A PUBLIC hand sanitizer...what a GREAT idea.

(click image, via) DDB Vancouver placed this interactive germ collection/distribution kiosk in a local mall on behalf of Pacific Blue Cross. Because, yes absolutely, I want to stick my hands on that container which has been fondled by scores of fluey adults, sick children, homeless wanderers with hepatitis, etc. just to get a little squirt of supposed anti-bacterial lotion. Hope the goop works, and/or the container isn't empty! Jesus, how stupid. Previously: Christian Slater, walking talking germ. Related: H1N1Vertising: Mexico City. Sydney.