Lies Well Disguised, #23.

Yesterday on Gawker.com, I took a seat (virtually) at a Very Serious Creativity magazine-sponsored roundtable made up of 11 of the industry's coolest, hippest, toppest creative directors. My counterpoints were roundly ignored. (link)
For previous Lies Well Disguised links, type those three words into my search window up there on the left.

Nice package!

In today's USA Today, The American Advertising Federation, apparently somewhat in response to a negative article in the Feb. 12th Ad Age, ran a full page ad with the above image. The ad's headline screams Hey Recruiters! and it's tagged with an 800 number to call to receive a CD with résumés of promising minority ad grads. And it looks like they used actual students here, not attractive fake models! Nice! (click image) I hope, in addition to the "sure I can" voice chip, Mr. Account Guy here also comes with the "the client wants it jazzed up 10%" and BIG FAKE LAUGH chips.
previously in minorities in advertising:
1. Ad Age White Christmas.
2. R&R minus R&B.
3. Diversity has a Mascot.
related on Gawker: Advertising Week 2006.

This is the visual from an ad for:

1. The American Express Platinum Card.
2. Platinum, The Movie, based on the Gotham crime-fighting comic book hero with a heart of gold.
3. A Chelsea gym.
4. Yet another overstated, overhyped overpromising overpriced condo tower (this one in Times Square) beckoning pump-monkey, bump-snorting Wall Street douchebags.

(scanned from the March Bloomberg Markets)
previously in NYC real estate:
1. Jonathan Swift Realty, Inc.
2. Real Estate Stooges Redefine "Shocking"
3. CLEARLY defining your target audience.
related on Gawker: NYC real estate ads.

Fall Into The Abyss.

Gap can't stop the bleeding. Same store sales fell again—7%—in their fourth quarter which ended Feb. 3rd, and the chain continues to hemorrhage executive level employees. What's/Who's to blame? For years now, Gap's advertising positioning has been—what?—celebrities. Madonna...Sarah Jessica Parker...Spike Jonze directs...Rock Musicians....dead dancing Audrey Hepburn...then the (yawn) red campaign...which uses...red hot celebs...Meanwhile, the neatly-folded clothes just sat there...not really changing much at all...And how many celebrities do you think shop at The Gap?
previously in fashion:
1. What's Italian for 'Tw*t'?
2. Gays don't shop Daffy's.
3. DEAD is the new BLACK.
4. Uniqlo antelope.
5. It's Reindeer Season at Banana Republic.

The Village Voice Sex Ad Awards.

It’s the first ever Vexy Awards. Over the weekend, I thoroughly examined all the sex ads in the back of the Village Voice. Today, I reveal the winners.
Before we get started, you should know that, in the past, I have judged One Show, Clio, and ANDY advertising awards events. You should also know that there are two strict requirements that must be met before one can judge the preliminary rounds of these prestigious awards shows. You must: 1) work in advertising; 2) show up.
The categories judged: Female Bodywork; Male Bodywork; and SheMale Bodywork.
I only picked from the small black & white ads; obviously larger color ads are going to get more attention. I was interested in what the advertisers could do to break through the semi-naked clutter. Many ads were immediately ruled out because they used one or both of the two most pedestrian and least believable escort ad copy phrases—"actual photo" and "new in town." Also, ads that featured models with blurred faces or blacked-out eyes in a desperate and obviously deceptive attempt to make you think that the model pictured was indeed real, were disregarded. The three winners are below.
Female Bodywork. The most competitive category, with over 100 display ads. But the Gold Vexy goes to this particular "big women" agency ad. It wins for two reasons. 1) They fit five zoftig ladies into a very small ad. 2) Lady number four has been named "Fellatio." Ha! Censor didn't catch that one! Also, a Silver Vexy goes to an Asian service that used the copy line "1st Class Heaven."
Male Bodywork. Obviously, the Voice is not the first choice for most New York City gay men seeking bodywork, as there were only a handful of display ads. Nonetheless, Mido wins the Gold Vexy thanks to his smart copy line, "I'm Here For You Older Men Ages 45 And Up." Excellent targeted marketing.
SheMale Bodywork. I was thinking of enlisting the services of Gotham writer and shemale connoisseur Jonathan Ames to help me pick a winner here, but I figured he might have actually experienced the services of one or more of the escorts, and therefore then could not have provided an objective opinion. Anyway, a very competitive group. The Gold Vexy goes to Chyva. Her exotic name stood out. Also, she managed to slip in a bare ass shot amidst a sea of thongs.
Thanks for cumming. Everybody drive safety.
previously in Village Voice:
1. Join the Village Voice Street Prostitution Gang.
2. I'm sorry you all suck.

Bacon Wristband Winners...

Frankly, a pretty lame response (original post).
THESE COST ME 3 BUCKS EACH, YOU FUCKS! PLUS I'M PAYING FOR THE SHIPPING!
On to the comments.
The best: anon #1: "Because I'd fuck the fire pig. Doggy style. So fucking hard its snout would be buried in the turf as if it were rooting for truffles. SOOIE!" Very visual description.
Honorable mention: anon # 4: "Give me one of those mother fucking bracelets CR." I adore simplicity.
But they both win nothing cause they're anons.
Now the actual "winners."
#1: Bob. Because he linked to a chilling shot from the Tate/LaBianca murder scene.
#2: hennesjp. Because she(?) thought of bacon while viewing a goofy, fleshy human cadaver exhibit.
#3: David. Because his train of thought that led him from "Bacon" to "Cobain" had to be drug-induced.
#4: Lia. Because she found a pair of Capri pants that look like bacon.
marj, you left me NINE fucking comments. You should have known that that would disqualify you to the power of infinity.
Bob and Lia—I need email addresses and you need to contact me so's I can mail you your wristbands. You have until Monday morning, otherwise I pick two other "winners."
"Thanks"

Two accent marks. 30 mannequin legs. One insane store.

(click image for close-up look at the insanity)
For many years, I've been completely mesmerized by the window display of élégance, the women's accessories store near the Amtrak seating area in Penn Station. OK OK, YES, I've got, uh, a bit of a stocking fetish. Several times, I've almost slammed into people while walking and gawking at the crazy-ass legging/stocking styles. I mean, those patterns are fucking crazy! Seems to be the perfect place for Ladies/Trannies Of The Night to pick out a style that'll stand out from the crowd on the western avenue corners. And although I'm sure I'm wrong, it seems that, year-to-year, the window never changes. Ladies/Trannies/CrossDressers—which is your favorite pattern?
previously in awesome NYC:
1. The Great Wall of New York.
2. NYC window displays—Zamir Furs.
3. TriBeCa Horror Film Festival.
4. Always use black type, Sweetheart.

"Excuse me, Mr. Charney? Shouldn't that be 'Tights' with an 's'?"

(click image for closer look, you pervs)
To repeat, skeevy American Apparel founder Lovey Dov Charney has admitted to fucking his models. Knowing this, the ad's headline suddenly possibly becomes, not just a testament about this particular model's body, but a testament about a very particular part of this model's body. No, not her tushy.
(scanned from the back page of this week's Onion)
previously in American Apparel:
1. Cracks starting to show in American Apparel empire?
2. American Apparel: Made With Dov.

Neighbor-Hos.

(click image for closer look)
The Official She-Beast of Nolita. Yeah, really great idea. Let's start branding Manhattan neighborhoods with a sexy, edgy female/cliché tagline combo billboard campaign. TriBeCa: Let's use her with the tagline: "There's more to love here." Meatpacking District: She'll do, with the tagline: "Where nightlife is a blood sport." Lincoln Square: OK, her. Tagline: "See ya a-round." etc. I'm tired.
UPDATE: apparently this is an ad for Nolita clothing, not Nolita, the neighborhood. But, GODdammit, it's located right at the edge of said nabe. Well like I said, I'M TIRED.
(taken at Houston & Lafayette)
better than beer image ganked from here. bloody woman ganked from here.
previously in stupid NYC:
1. Trans Fat War Turns Childish.
2. The MTA. Very Anal.
3. Phew! York.
4. Jonathan Swift Realty, Inc.

Lies Well Disguised 21 + 22.

Last week on gawker, I looked at a few NYC medium choices that perhaps maybe should be thought about very carefully before placement of message. (link)
Yesterday, I tried to get a sense of the current vodka wars, and even wiped my ass with the latest Ketel One ad. Yes I actually did. (link)
For previous Lies Well Disguised, type that phrase up there in the "search blog" window.
Next week, I plan on reviewing the sex ads in the back of this week's Village Voice, and giving out awards.

Someone Talked! Round 1.

I've got a backlog of tips and rumors from anon emailers. Here's the best of the first round. Second round to come in a couple of weeks.
• Trey Laird (photo) of Laird+Partners (cr—the New York agency responsible for Gap ad work that did absolutely nothing to stem the hemorrhaging of the chain's revenue.) "nearly died of exposure at a fashion shoot on an polar iceberg when, instead of wearing proper arctic cold-weather gear, he wore some sort of silly Prada snowsuit one might see on the slopes at Sundance. He had to be airlifted out by military helicopter." (cr—HA!)
• Jason Binn (real name, Binnstock. [snicker].), the man responsible for the current repugnant luxury magazine craze, "was kicked out of the University of Cincinnati for stalking a co-ed." (cr—read about my own encounters with this prick here)
• Above—many of you are familiar with pic at left of "Big Idea" ad-man Donny Deutsch (Double D fired one of his art directors for emailing the pic around.) Well, not as widely distributed is the second pic of the speedo-sportin' muffin of stud. (click images) Very Joey Buttafuoco-esque, yes? (my Deutsch thread starts here.)
(cr—I did absolutely nothing to verify the above possible flat-out lies. I report, you scoff, etc.)

Win a LIVE GREASY wristband!

Today, I will be wearing my bacon wristband in honor of the Chinese year of the Pig—specifically the Female Fire Pig—which began yesterday. Some famous Pigs include Arnold Schwarzenegger, Hilary Rodham Clinton, Flavor Flav, Snoop Dogg, Morrissey, Sasha Baron Cohen, + Johnny Knoxville.
I have also purchased four additional bacon wristbands. I will give them away to the four people who, either through comments or email, best explain why they deserve one of these sizzling, attractive items. Show all those smug Live Strongers what's really important in life—eating pig ass.
UPDATE: The contest ends today, Tuesday February 20th, at midnight.
UPDATE #2: This is, in fact, a real contest. You people writing in anonymously obviously can't win because, A) I can't contact you, and B) You can't prove you wrote the comment.
UPDATE #3: Contest is over. I will notify the winners and post about it by Friday afternoon.
previously in stupid posts:
1. The Tattoo Sleeve.
2. Film at 11.
3. Have you ever seen a fat mummy?
4. I think, therefore I am stupid.

What's Italian for "tw*t?"

(full disclosure: I owned one EZ wool blazer about 10 years ago)
New campaign, probably done in-house, for men's fashion label Ermenegildo Zenga. Off-the-shelf fashion execution #14; choose a cliché or colloquial phrase; dress pretty models in your clothing; try to shoot what lamely looks like "a moment in time"; slap on line. Voila!
previously in stupid fashion ads:
1. ...because the little pony wasn't douchey enough.
2. Uniqlo antelope.
3. Jimmy Choo: shoes to die for.
4. Diesel woos fcuk hoi polloi.
5. DEAD is the new BLACK.
6. Gays don't shop Daffys.

Art Appreciation Fridays with copyranter, #5.

(click images for closer look)
Left—tomato/knife, 1989, by Pratt Institute graduate Robert Mapplethorpe. One of the revolutionary artist's last photos.
Right—tomato/plastic knife, 2007, by School of Visual Arts graduate mark copyranter. Artist was naked with a bullwhip inserted in his anus (NSFW!) during the shoot.
previous art appreciation with copyranter posts:
1. Andy Warhol, "Oxidation"
2. Ellsworth Kelly, "The Gate"
3. Andy Warhol, "Pepper Pot"
4. DEAD BULL: Victorious Matador

I've found a date for the Balvenie Weenie™.

though as soon as she finds out he ain't got a mouth to use "downtown," she'll be beatin' a path to the door. Say hello to Ko, official icon of Kotex tampons. Just the kind of image you'd want associated with the menstrual cycle—crazy-ass Medusa hair and no eyes. Nice effect, too, making the "periods" in your tagline blood red. Nice.
(Image and headline idea by Georgina, the archeress, my girlfriend.)
previously in women in ads:
1. You've Cum A Long Way, Baby.
2. Samsung commits an innuendon't.
3. Where gay men, angry women hook up.

Nice scoop, Stuart.

In today's New York Times, senior ad columnist Stuart Elliott (right) delivers a fresh off the presses take on the new(ish) Camel No. 9 cigarettes for women. His unique insight into the print ads is that they're mimicking other female product branding efforts like Chanel, etc. Kinda like what I said 6 weeks ago. Hibernating were you, Stu?
previously in tobacco ads:
1. There's pee in your butt.
2. Tastes Good Like A Cigarette Should, Redux.
3. Taglines are DUMB: Tobacco Edition.
4. Retro Cigarette Ads.

...and THAT'S why they call him SilverFox11.

also,
• I got more Liquidity than a Golden Shower Gang Bang.
• I got bigger Gaps than a 90-year-old Hooker.
• I got more Volume than a 16-year-old Peter North.
(scanned from yesterday's Investor's Business Daily)
previously in stupid business ads:
1. Rest now, Bling Bling. Your long journey is over.
2. The Good Hands, Bad Taste People.
3. M&Ms "for business".
4. "I wrote a post for you, and it was called 'Yellow'".
5. bp. Beyond Poppycock.

Co-Chairmen.

(click images for closer look)
Reminiscent of a classic scene from The Jerk (the "chair" line is about 3 minutes in), these guys don't need to take anything from the office when they retire...except their chairs. Sometimes, the second visual in a campaign can clear up the confusion that the first one caused...not this time. Ameriprise Financial, you want me to trust you with my nest egg when your advertising effort is plain cuckoo?
(thanks to MTLB for finding the Ameriprise Dennis Hopper TV spot, which also features The Red Chair, on the beach in the background—looking very, very lonely.)
previously in questionable business ads:
1. Fake Chairman of the Board.
2. Rest now, Bling Bling...
3. The Good Hands, Bad Taste People.

BREAKING!!! non-hate...

(click image for closer look)
I don't love this, but I don't hate it either. Two reasons: 1. It hit a soft spot. I did a spec campaign for YKK zippers when I was at the School of Visual Arts here in NYC. It was, of course, smarter than this ad (of course), but this ad has a cooler visual. 2. When the moronic client says "I need to show the full line of zippers in the ad," doing something even mildly interesting isn't easy. OK, I fucking HATE "Fashionable by Nature." Lazy fucking line.
(scanned from today's WWD)
UPDATE: I shoulda added that this ad is targeted at fashion designers (thus the WWD placement), not consumers.
previously in ads I didn't hate:
1. Iggy Pop for John Varvatos.
2. caffeinated cheerleader for T-Mobile.
3. Peter Stormare for VW.

true (.com) story?

(last week, an anon commenter left this 300+ word diatribe, typos and all, on this post about true.com CEO Herb Vest [left]. A lot of details, who knows if they're, um, true. We report, you decide, etc.)

The old fart married a girl half his age. that is a big number 30+ years.She didn't have breast so he bought her some. He has bought them for other girlfriends.
Golddigger and cradle robbing perv.
The guy is full of crap. He is on his third marriage. Has a history of sexual harrasment, cheating, hookers, threesomes, being sued by his ex fiance. Vest faked an engagement by running of with another women to Vegas and Hawaii buy the girl one hundred thousand dollars in jewelry. All this to hurt this women he dated/cheated on of over 6 years. He cheated on her and has been stalking her by hiring a detective to follow her and as many as 7 people tracking her at the same time. Had is detective and two others follow her to Vegas on her birthday with her sister because he thought she was a lesbian hooker video type, photograph, steel trash, and possible break into her computer and wire tap her phone, had her friends followed. The woman fears for her life and is afraid to leave her home or put out her trash to this day. That is why she is suing Vest. For years and hundreds of thousands of dollars even after he got married Vest contunied. She also has proof of prejury by Vest and his attornies to the courts. Vest is tying to calm that she is stalking him and his wife now. Vest has defrauded his two sons and his mother of millions. Never has seen his grandson. Vest broke the settlement agreement with the Doctor he sued and had to pay the doctor.He thinks the CIA murdered his father. Vest has no friends and keeps his wife away from her family and friends. Young, dumb, with boobs that is how he likes them.
Vest claims his site is wholesome and the safest. The protection people need is from him and True.com running date bait and billing scams.
previously in true.com
1. Holly's once, twice, three times a lady...
2. BIKINI KILL!
3. Breaking News NOW...
4. so feel free to wear your tightest shorts, ladies.
5. on cyber-dating advertising.

Cerealism.

(click image)
I haven't examined the back of kid's cereal boxes in, well, a shitload of years. So I was shocked SHOCKED to see what hath become of the former home of maze puzzles and free decoder ring offers. Here we have the backside of a Cocoa Krispies box. I mean, look at the asylum-crazy looks on the nightmarish boys' faces. Also appreciate the subtlety of the 'RAD' on the bottom of batshit-boy #2's sneaker. Meanwhile, there's Crack, Scrapple, and Pot, just chillin' at the bottom of the choco half-pipe.
(pic and post idea by slinky redfoot at brandspankin.com)
previously: Murdering Cereal with Marketing.

I burned my one John Varvatos shirt last night.

(click images for closer look)
Mr. Varvatos, I applauded your choice of Iggy Pop (left) for your new campaign.
But. But. Velvet fucking Revolver?!? Who's gonna be in the third ad—Camp Kill Yourself?
previously in music-related ads:
1. 50's packin'. Nutrients.
2. India.Arie: Pop Crap or Good Shit? Discuss.
3. Look at Jigga, gettin' all "A River Runs Through It" on us.
4. K-Fed for K-Swiss.
5. lenny kravitz: ABSOLUT KRAP
6. Taylor Hicks "Bold Moves" for Ford: A Review.

Art Appreciation Fridays, with copyranter #4.

(click images for closer look)
In honor of the release of Factory Girl:
L—"Oxidation," 1978, by Andy Warhol. Urine on copper metallic painted canvas.
R—"Untitled," 2007, by mark copyranter. Artist's urine + black Sharpie® ink on silver metallic paper.
Post inspiration from the archeress.
previous art appreciations with copyranter:
1. The Gate, Ellsworth Kelly.
2. Pepper Pot, Andy Warhol.
3. DEAD BULL: Victorious Matador.

The most brilliant-est tourism marketing move EVER!

You're a Serbian village. You're on the news a lot, but only because you're always getting flooded. What to do. What. to. do. Hmm. You erect a HUGE statue of that famous Serb, Rocky Balboa!
(via ananova)
previously in international stupidity:
1. Topographical Zombie Bono...
2. Pull Kofi Pull!
3. How did Air France become #1 in Europe?

Lies Well Disguised, #20.

The column was delayed a day due to gawker editor illness. A couple of you wanted my who-gives-a-shit take on the Super Bowl ads. Well, here it is (link). It's a bit longer than last year's "Live Blog" of the game's commercials.
For previous Lies Well Disguised links, type "lies well disguised" up there in the search window.

Just FYI: I did an 8-ball this morning, so I'll be posting like a crazy person today.

Fake Chairman of the Board.

ad from Ameriprise Financial for retirement planning, scanned from the Wall Street Journal. I trimmed off the body copy because no one reads fucking body copy. Just FYI, it talks about how Ameriprise is "redefining" (cough. hack.) retirement planning because they focus on your "dreams" not numbers. As you can see, they've established a service mark for "Dreams don't retire" (hack. cough.). However, this man is not being guided through his dream-filled retirement by Ameriprise, because this man is a model...NOW, why the fuck he's standing on a fucking chair is the real mystery here. Guesses?
previously in stupid corporate ads:
1. Rest now Bling Bling...
2. The Good Hands Bad Taste People.
3. "Trees are pretty. Let's us trees."
4. bp. beyond poppycock.

Where's LT when you need him?

(for my non-sports fan readers, 'LT' stands for Lawrence Taylor, and the headline references this particular play he made on then quarterback Joe Theismann. not for the squeamish.)
Above is an example, scanned from the most recent ESPN magazine, of forcibly wedging an already weak advertising campaign idea into a Big Event opportunity (Super Bowl). The Johnnie Walker people are understandably seeking to establish their hooch as the go-to hard liquor for the ex-frat boy sports fan with disposable income demo. But their lame "play" makes absolutely no sense. What kind of backfield setup is that? the power triangle?
(campaign via Bartle Bogle Hegarty, NYC)
previously in Johnnie Walker sports ads:
1. JW tells NFLers to forgo anesthesia, drive drunk.
2. Is IT In YOU?

You Can't Dodge Dakota These Days.

The March Elle thudded on my desk yesterday, all 540 pages of it. Leafing through the ads...anorexic models, anorexic models in the future delivering a plastic baby (oh D&G, you pioneers) anorexic model riding in a hot air balloon (?), anorexic models pretending they're lesbians, Shalom Harlow's face retouched to a shiny sheen, Dakota Fanning...Dakota Fanning? Yes, the Sundance It Girl (emphasis on "Girl") looking like, well, looking like she's about to be raped in a Marc Jacobs ad (sweeeet jacket Marc). This appears to be some scary marketing synergy. Did the producers of Hounddog throw you a bone Marc, or vice versa?
previously in scary fashion ads:
1. Scary Ellis.
2. DEAD is the new BLACK.
3. Jimmy Choo. Shoes to die for.
4. Jigga gets all 'A River Runs Through It' on us.
5. Fendi No. 5.
also on gawker: Fashion Ads. EDGY.

Let's speed up "the Aging Process"

Let's pretend that this is the last ever Balvenie scotch ad featuring the Balvenie Weenie™. How would you like to see the mouthless douchebag perish?
• Beaten to death with a folding chair by a Biker at an AA meeting.
• Burned to death in the basement of his Mom's house because of a fire started by his faulty hotplate.
• Chokes to death on a single beer nut in a jam-packed bar.
Please leave your scenarios in the comments if you want.
To read the previous 8 Balvenie Weenie™ posts, go here.

Film at 11.

In the midst of a BOY'S NIGHT OUT (caps & bold mine) last Friday, myself, TAN, KC, Dave, James (pictured) stopped at the Popeye's on 13th Street to dine and converse. In addition to a gentlemanly discussion revolving around how stereotypical the scene of three large black men (three of the aforementioned quintet) nibbling on fried chicken looked, the above piece of in-store signage with the Onion-esque headline also prompted a lively, if brief, exchange. Here's how I remember it:
TAN: "Take your batter off, Bitch!"
copyranter: "Naked-er!!"
KC: "Mutherfuckin' YEAH!!!"
James: "Make sure you get me in the pic..."
Aspiring filmmaker Dave also shot a 1 minute, 24 second movie of TAN entitled "crybaby chicken negro," which will be posted here at a future date, and eventually will be entered in next year's Oscar® short film documentary category.
previously in stupid NYC:
1. The Trans Fat War Turns Childish.
2. The MTA. Very Anal.
3. Jonathan Swift Realty, Inc.
4. Phew! York.
5. Boomer's Beemer Befouls Boho's Bosom.

Hey Beaver, damn if you ain't infringing on a copyright.

For some reason, I've been following the exploits of New York City's and André Balazs' hot piece of real estate twat (no, not Uma) from day one. I like the little guy. But here, The Beav lamely jumps on the Super Bowl™® exploitation pile. Thing is André, The NFL is VERY protective of the term "Super Bowl." Maybe you noticed how all the advertisers not officially sanctioned by the league say "Big Game" instead of (shhh) "Super Bowl" in their ads. And André, making it one word doesn't exempt you, pal.
(scanned from yesterday's New York Times)
update: as an anon commenter states, this is a case of trademark, not copyright, infringement.
previously in William Beaver House ads:
1. The Beav's plans featured more wood.
2. Dean Balazs will NOT tolerate wild parties...
3. André Balazs has a new black beaver.

ATTENTION: ad and marketing people

SEND ME YOUR TIPS AND RUMORS. Got a well-known advertising or marketing boss who's a dickface or twathead? Has Donny Deutsch stolen your "big idea" and called it his own? Been to a pitch recently that went horribly and hilariously wrong? Overheard some of that retarded "ad speak" that only happens at ad agencies? Accounts changing hands? Whatever. SEND ME YOUR STORIES. If it's interesting and smells strongly of credibility, I will write about it either in my Lies Well Disguised column on gawker, or maybe as a monthly roundup here. Send to copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com Confidentiality Guaranteed. (image via getty.)
UPDATE: I've gotten about a dozen tips. Next week, I'll publish the best of the first round.

I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND!!!

(note to you anon douchebag haters: I will delete your comments, so don't bother.)
previously in sexy:
1. SEX MACHINE FRIDAY!!!
2. The Human Watermelon.
3. IggyPop for John Varvatos.
4. On the 7th Evil Day of X-Mas...

V2. Get Bombed.

Vodka # 74,935 has been introduced to the US. It's V2 (that's so 2.0!). Yet another vodka from The Netherlands. What's the gimmick with this new hooch? It comes with caffeine and taurine already "infused." Red Bull can't be happy about that. Being a bit of a history buff, my problem with V2 is the name itself: the V2 was the world's first ballistic missile and was used by the Nazis at the tail-end of WWII to kill scores of British civilians.
previously in vodka:
1. XTRA! XTRA!
2. Excuse Me, While I Puke and Die.
3. Let's Get EFFEN Drunk.
4. Staten Island needs to distilled 5 times.
5. ABSOLUT KRAP.

update—Yes, today is War day on copyranter.