Link Haze, 8/29/08.

• This week's Drunken Stepfather target: Heidi "Mellons" Montag. (link)
• Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, circa 1975. (link)
• Chuck Norris survives a Blendtec blending. (link)
• Amy Winehouse has 8 fingers on her left hand. (link)
• NYC pay phones are truly shitty (right). (link)
• Here's an endorsement: "I will go to my grave saying that the best thing I ever did was go to Barbizon modeling school." (link)
• An evil car dealership disguises its junk mail as traffic tickets. (link)
• The Obama paper dolls are quite white. (link)
• Seven famous penises. (link)
• Be one of the first on-board with Web 2.0 app. Kwooky. (link)
• Reworked Sin City posters starring Disney princesses. (link)
• 3,300 lb. stingray caught and killed by a Chinese fisherman. This is so sad. (link)
• Video of a tripping man at a Dutch rave in a superman outfit looking a lot like Mussolini. This is entertainment. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: help me interpret a new Diesel ad.

I don't get it. Maybe you will. (link)

Brian Urlacher, Before and After Old Spice Swagger.

(click ad for closer look)
Print ad for Old Spice's "Swagger" scent, starring boob-grabbing Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher and his teenager Renaissance geek fake self (the idea works better as a TV spot). While I'm neither a fan of Urlacher or the Bears or even NFL football, this (somewhat ironic) anti-weakling message will definitely play well with the tough and faux-tough guys who read ESPN magazine (scanned from this week's NFL preview issue). But the ad falls well short of these recent A+ Old Spice TV commercials. previous Old Spice print ad: because of the inclusion of a freakish Anglerfish, I accept your gratuitous bikini babe.

Tactilely Interactive AssVertising via Vegas.

(click images for closer look)
For the second time (here's the first), I can't really say this piece (pieces) of AssVertising is Gratuitous. This metal installation sitting in the lobby of the Riviera Hotel & Casino in Sin City is for the Crazy Girls topless revue. As you can see, it very effectively targets the visiting discerning mook demographic. (images via YesButNoButYes)

When Advertising Lied Harder: The 1970s Love Rug.

(click ad to read copy)
"As you stroke, it strokes....It's almost like having another lover there with the two of you." 150 bucks?!? In the 70s? It better fucking stroke me. And how 'bout the Willie Aames look-a-like? update: commenter says that's porn star Randy West. previously: 1936—Schlitz is better for you than sunshine; 1968—think of this American Airlines stewardess as a MILF; 1972—amateur porn is born; 1960s—Schaefer is the one beer to have when the liquor store is out of every other brand.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: fake AA ad spoofer spoofed!

The fake American Apparel ad artist has a copycat admirer. The new poster features Barack Obama and a large penis. (link)

Funny ads for an ad school.

(click ads for closer look)
Much to my consternation, my old NYC ad school has—time and time again—produced visually and conceptually bland self-promotion ads. Which is why I was pleasantly surprised to find the above ads for the AAA Ad School in Capetown, South Africa. While they don't particularly apply to me (620 SAT score in Math, bitches!), they definitely appeal to the one-track mind of the stereotypical ad creative. (images via) related: the first, punny spec campaign I did as a youngster at SVA.

Elvis Christmas Creep.

(click ad for closer look)
It's the "first-ever" Elvis illuminated porcelain Christmas tree. It's a limited edition presentation, restricted to "95 firing days." It costs $119.94, but it rotates and plays Blue Christmas. Scanned from the back of the latest True Story magazine which includes the pieces, "My brother is playing matchmaker from beyond the grave!" and "In love with the plumber." previous Christmas Creep: Radio City Music Hall says X-mas started August 20th at 11am; the hot September day Toys R Us almost got firebombed; and the day the Pope stole Christmas.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: DOV LOVE.

The Stereo Hell American Apparel ad artist sexily riffs off of Robert Indiana's iconic Love artwork. (link)

Panty video by American Apparel.

It's just 50 seconds of panties and ass (including the "Tap panty"); but blurred ass. This is a censored version of a racy video that went up on YouTube about a week ago—and was almost immediately pulled. Fortunately for me (and unfortunately for you), I got to see the original blur-less butt, which may belong to the star of AA's first :16 foray into video artistry, "Kristen tries on polka dot panties").
The shitty accompanying music of this panty video is a piece called "Manty" by Frenchman Sébastien Tellier. Not coincidentally, American Apparel collaborated with Tellier for a three-month pre-release of his most recent recording "Sexuality"—it tastefully features a man on a horse between boobs as cover art. You can go here to listen to his bland brand of awful lo-fi electronica, which actually auditorily fits the AA aesthetic perfectly.

Jewelry designer Loree Rodkin's creepy, insane new ad.

(click image for closer look)
When you're working with a less than Prada-size marketing budget, you need a visual with stopping power to stand out in the ad-clogged fashion mags. And I was stopped. And not really by the nipples!—though I was certainly not expecting to see nipples in my (well, not "my") Elle Accessories magazine. Bravo to you Loree for not going with the usual boring beautiful model and the usual boring product shots. previous intriguing fashion ads: Harvey Nichols: buzzards picking at sales items: Kate Spade: Dead is the new Black; Comme de Garçons shirt ads make absolutely no sense.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: spec Obama/McCain ads.

AdWeek asked agency creative directors to come up with some fake ad ideas for the presidential candidates. The results were less than presidential. (link)

Amanda Lepore: cheeky Bluetooth headset endorser.

(click images for closer look)
The Heatherette model and David LaChapelle muse shows up in this week's New Yorker (with, one presumes, a fake plastic surgeon) to promote Jawbone Bluetooth headsets. Considering the company name, Lepore is an absolutely brilliant choice. And the intriguing double-page ad did spark me to visit their Website, so I guess it works—even though I wouldn't take one of these things if they gave it to me. Taking into account what a spread ad in the New Yorker costs, combined with Jawbone's certainly less than hefty ad budget, and the ad better drive a ton of traffic. related: I want to be a SheMale escort ad copywriter; Is the bare-ass model in the Tom Ford ads a SheMale? update: go to PollsBoutique for a poll on this ad's effectiveness.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Fake AA ad artist's craziest poster yet.

This latest American Apparel piece by the prankster is outrageous. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: NYC neighborhood real estate battles get anthropomorphic.

Top-hatted Jackson "Jack" Heights rubs hipster Williams "Billy" Burg's high rent prices in "his" face via a bus stop poster. (link)

Perry Farrell is the latest headliner added to the John Varvatos "I Desperately Wish I Was A Rock Star" Ad Tour.

(click ad for closer look)
The opening act, Iggy Pop, was admittedly brilliant. But then, you added (blarf) Velvet Revolver. I'm surprised you haven't included krappy Lenny Kravitz in your Rock 'n Roll Fantasy campaign yet. Now: it's Peretz Bernstein, shot with his two beautiful Great Danes on The Bowery, about a half a block from your boutique in the fumigated former home of CBGB. It's a damn cool looking ad, JV. But? You're still just a clothes salesman. And while I'm here—Hey Perry? What the hell happened after Strays? That album fuckin' rawked (no matter what the clueless pussies at pitchfork said). And then, bam, Jane's immediately crashes and burns again. What a fucking come-down, man. Btw, who's your NYC Weed source? related: I killed CBGB; Varvatos opportunistically dances on the grave of Florent; and Varvatos saves Queens, NY. (scanned from the September Esquire)

Link Haze, 8/22/08.

• Perfectly targeted DQ messaging. (link)
• The Drunken Stepfather takes a frank and measured look at Paris Hilton's hair extensions. (link)
• Judging by the Ukrainian army's recruitment TV spot, it'll take Russia about three hours to complete an invasion. (link)
• But not if the Ukraine had Rambo on their side. Unfortunately, Sly just signed a million dollar deal to endorse Russian vodka Synergy. (link)
• Louisville's "move here" TV spots don't work because sarcastic desperation is still desperation. (link)
• Jesus is come: and he's hawking Chryslers, Fords, and Mercurys. (link)
• OB/GYN Leon Nitkin should probably reconsider using his pic in his ad. (link)
• copyranter, joining two of his heroes Tom Waits and Nietzsche, is quoted in a New Shelton Wet/Dry post headline. (link)
• Lorillard CEO dismisses claims menthol cig ads target African-Americans. The advertising—and his own statistics—say otherwise. (link)
• The Happy Hipster Hooker is a myth. (link)
• Lastly, a head of lettuce eats a cheeseburger. Why/what/who? I don't care. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Red, White, and Boobs!

The fake American Apparel ad artist again hits Jasper Johns, this time reimagining his 1958 painting "Three American Flags." (link)

(nsfw) Girlrilla Assvertising.

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One of my ongoing missions here on copyranter has been the chronicling of the Worldwide Gratuitous Ad Ass Movement. This stop takes us to Berlin (Oh you dirty Deutschlanders! Btw, this Munich subway poster is the reigning gratuitous ass ad champion.). Here, the assvertiser is European cosmetics brand Lush, whose soap and bath offerings I have sampled. Lush is well known for their very minimalistic packaging. So to get that message out to the streets, a couple of shop employees (or maybe hired models) were recently dispatched in minimalistic packaging. Now, since the vast majority of Lush customers are women, a fair question to ask is...why no pantsless men in aprons? (via The Scented Salamander, via)

McDonald's fries now made with human hand fat.

(click ad for closer look)
So the glutenous fast food behemoth finally cooked up a trans fat-less fry formula. In Brazil, at least judging by this ad, the new formula includes the cut-off, cooked fingers of Mickey D's fry guys/gals. Is this more or less disgusting than Subway's human entrails sub? The French Spiderman 3 cheeseburger? Settle down. I am of course being too literal with this visual targeting young "rocker" types. But food ads should be—above all other considerations, including cool art direction—appetizing. And, while I'm not young, I have played drums in a couple mediocre punk rock bands. And the last thing I now want to eat for lunch today is McDonald's. previous McDonald's posts: Eat a box o' lard, then play some football; a big fat lie of a nutrition ad; and Ronald is Dead. update: as a commenter on Gawker says: you'd think that the Wendy's chili finger incident would have come into play here.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Gorgeous Greenpeace ads.

They're beautiful. Go look. (link)

Iwo Jima dead bled again, this time in the name of Ryder Cup TV coverage.

(click ad for closer look)
Print ad for Portuguese station Sport TV's coverage of next month's Ryder Cup golf match (I hate golf) between Europe and the USA in Louisville, Kentucky. The now Tiger-less Yank hackers have lost three straight to the Euros, so this ad is a nice "fuck you' on a couple of levels. And Portugal? You just made it onto W's Axis of Evil leader board. btw: Is there anything more pathetic looking than fired-up golfers? (image via) previous ads that exploited the Iwo Jima flag-raising pic: French fight beach pollution with G.I. blood; Luxury Jet company has zero shame; and ad for South African newspaper substitutes oil rig for flag.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: fake AA ad artist's pop art hit parade continues...

This time, the prankster targeted Jasper Johns and Richard Prince. And of course, there are both nether regions and boobs. (link)

Christmas Creepiest.

(click ad for closer look)
Yes. Christmas starts today at 11am. So go buy the first tickets "of the season"—that season being SUMMER. Well, there is a slight chill in the air this morning. Go get 'em, sweaty, sick elves. (full-page ad scanned from the back of amNY) Previously in I hate X-mas:
• Toys R Us almost got firebombed
• the Blackwater Christmas tree ornament;
• Pope & Grinch—separated at the birth of Christ
• and, the 12 days of Christmas Evil thread.

In tough economic times, always look to the bank that makes a paper airplane out of its logo.

(click ad to read copy)
Banks love their logos. They'd perform oral sex on them, if they could get their mouths around them. Deutsche's is a geometric dick in a box. The Bank of New York's looks like a Spirographic orifice. And last year, Chase unzipped its pinstriped pants and and shot a huge load of pearly white logos all over the metro NYC area. But, dick jokes aside, what better conveys rock solid financial stability than a cutesy red paper plane logo fake-flitting through the air in a full page ad in the Wall Street Journal? Maybe...a man holding a 25-foot tall stick of cotton candy? other bank ads: HSBC bank ad is a complete mystery; Dude chill, it's a CD, not the Fountain of Youth; because King Kong doesn't have a firm understanding of the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act?

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: toilet paper is not made of clouds.

Advertising the softness of TP is fine. Implying that the act of ass wiping is, in any way, fun is not fine. (link)

Sean Avery dons a new sweater.

(click ad for closer look)
Here, hockey's biggest douchebag pensively models the classic V-neck as part of Gap's new Fall print campaign. Having also previously scored an internship with Vogue (where he spilled beef stroganoff on a coworker), Avery has parlayed his clothes horseyness into quite the nice little side career. Too bad he's no longer playing in the fashion capital of the world, though his Philippe Stark machine gun lamp will certainly be a big hit with the Texas cowgirlies. Word is, he's consulting with Alexander McQueen to help design an alternate third pink Dallas Stars sweater. (scanned from the New York Times Style magazine) previous Gap posts: more Gap celebrity pap; Sarah Silverman's leaked World AIDS Day song; Fall Into The Abyss; related: why the New York Times shouldn't bother covering the NHL. update: the NHL season is only 52 days away! For my three readers who are hockey fans, I will be restarting the Habs fan in NYC blog about a week before Montreal's opener. And I won't be quitting it half way through the season this time—no matter how busy I get at work.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: fake AA ad artist attacks Andy.

He/she drew, then Xed out, a Warhol Marilyn Monroe. Sacrilege! (link)

"Honey, the pasta tastes a little...boobish."

(click ad for closer look)
Make dinner, or an edible vest! Only with the Marcato homemade pasta maker! Call right now, and we'll include a penne dildo maker! previously in food and sex: ad for Swiss Indian restaurant features fucking chicken carcasses; Australian Subway ad's disgusting six-pack; meat seasoning ads entice with farm animal necrophilia; and a video of bikini models playing with fatty meats and potato salad. (image via)

SoHo Soon Sluttier.

(click images for closer look)
A few shots of the salty advertecture teasing the imminent hot tight wet opening of a new American Apparel outlet on the corner of Broadway and Howard. No word on whether or not porn star Faye Valentine and the Super-Soaker Girls are going to be there for the festivities. As you can see, this slinky Jezebel has already been aggressively tagged by the Street People. First, upper right: "this pussy is for KH1 only!" Sorry, KH1. The pants-optional CEO probably already sampled the merchandise. Upper left: (chuckle) I 've seen this tag downtown in a couple of places. "Rod Stuart (sic?) loves the Hamptons..." and ass less than half his age, of course. The craggy crooner plays a soldout Jones Beach show tomorrow evening. 2 orchestra tix for $350 on craigslist. update: visit rodstuartlovesthehamptons.com for more tag sightings.

Link Haze, 8/15/08.

• I am in one awful, shitty mood today. People who know me know why.
• The Drunken Stepfather goes off on one of his insane tangents. (link)
• McCarren Park buttplug. (link)
• Eleanor Roosevelt for Good Luck margarine. (link)
• PETA stops a planned Six Flags Halloween Madagascar hissing cockroach-eating contest. (link)
• American Apparel gay ad: not porny. (link)
• One of the first things I was told in ad school was that if your headline is "holy mackerel," you do NOT show a mackerel with angel wings and a halo. (link)
• Jesus Christ Is Lord, not a swear word—says the 18-wheeler. (link)
• Hasbro is celebrating the 45th anniversary of the Easy-Bake Oven (It's the 5th anniversary of the Easy-Bake Meth Lab.). You haven't lived until you've been served a badly-cooked treat out of one of these by a 9-year-old. (link)
• Fuck You, security camera. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: more condom ads!

Condoms. Condoms. Condoms. Condoms. Condoms. Condoms. Condoms. Condoms. Condoms. Condoms. Condoms. Condoms. Do I write about anything else? What can I say—I'm a fucking dickhead. (link)

Back in the saddle.

(click ad to read real copy)
"I have a vision of who I am and how I'd like to live. Everything must be rendered in exquisite detail—from the stitching on my breeches to the perfectly trimmed landing strip hedge above my pussy. I don't fuck horses any more (since the divorce), but all my stable boys must be equinely endowed. And this morning when I woke up in the new upstate getaway home Daddy bought me, the air was still thick with the smell of semen from the previous evening's horseplay. By day, I ride Thunder here. But tonight, I will be riding Adam in his Noho duplex. Tomorrow night? Balling Barry by the bay. Oh yes, I am living exactly who I am. And Corcoran is my realtor." (scanned from the back of the Home supplement in today's New York Times)

What an American Apparel TV commercial might look like.

Sorry I'm a little late with this, but American Apparel actually shot a three-minute video called "Operation Freedom!" to ostensibly promote a "super mega" July 4th sale (click HERE to watch video). It was shot on VHS tape, SP mode, and the word "people" is spelled "poeople" in the opening title board. It stars, I'm assuming, three local L.A. AA employees dressed in AA summer garb shooting super-soakers. It's not really porny like their print ads, and is actually so insipidly stupid that it's not completely horrible—though I would have shaved two minutes off of it. previous videos from the AA YouTube channel: 16 seconds of Kristen trying on polka-dot panties.

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Buygone ads: Ivory soap.

Back in the 1950s, Ivory was positioned as soapy Zoloft for men and sudsy Xanax for women. (link)

When Advertising Lied Harder: Schlitz Beer 1936.

(welcome to When Advertising Lied Harder, a new semi-regular feature on copyranter which will present retro ads that fibbed with glee.)
Like my girlfriend and I, did you choke down a case of awful Schlitz beer each and every week last winter? If you had, you'd be enjoying "sunny summer health" too. (click ad) "Beer is good for you—but Schlitz with Sunshine Vitamin D, is extra good for you." I guess post-Prohibition, mid-Great Depression beer ad claim vetting was handled by some low-level FDA drunkard. previous vintage beer ads: Bud 1934 ad; PBR's 1940s hipster pedigree; and Schaefer: the greatest slogan in the history beer.
(image via)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: fake AA ad artist kraps on kooky Koons.

After double penetrating Damien Hirst's bum last week, the fake American Apparel ad prankster splashes water on another neo-hackster. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: EXCLUSIVE! MTA bursts thought-bubble posters.

Real journalism! Kinda! In a story you'll read first on Animal, the mismanaged MTA killed a poster campaign because they say it promoted subway vandalism. Which it did! Cute, organized subway vandalism. (link)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: new French Wrangler ads.

Wrangler has just launched a new campaign in France that desperately tries to reposition the cowboy jeans as edgy. the tagline is..."We Are Animals." Stupider, more pretentious fashion advertising you would be hard-pressed to find (I'm writing like Yoda talks, sorry). (link)

Levi's gets a free ad on page one of Wall Street Journal.

(click image for closer look)
That's a "routed" Georgian man at right in a Levi's 3/4 length t-shirt on page one of today's WSJ. Levi's—bloodied brand of the oppressed! Now that's edgy advertising. If only the other guy was wearing a Che tee. previously in accidental newspaper ads: Fendi No.5.

DOV DOG GONE.

So it appears Dov Charney has lost his dog (named..."Hedkayce") in L.A. He's plastered the area near his home with flyers and even a couple of big billboards (right). Unlike Gawker, I have nothing bad to say here. Losing an animal is a tragic event. I hope you find your puppy, Dovey. I'm assuming this isn't a horrible teaser marketing stunt. (link)

"I think I came in one of your kidneys."

(click ads for closer look)
I know. While the rest of the blog-o-sphere is covering the Olympics and the recession and Cold War II, around here it's been all copulating skeletons and granite boobies. Sorry? Anyway, above are a couple of badly retouched ads out of Belgium for Manix ultra-thin condoms (here's a previous Manix ad for king-size rubbers). Note: that appears to be the same man with two different women. Protected melding philanderer! previous ultra-thin condoms ad: Condomi rubbers: as thin as a soap bubble. (images via)

Street Boners and TV Carnage critique the world's Olympic outfits.

I don't ever do quick links because I have no interest in promoting other Websites. I hate these tips because they don't provide me with material I can call my own/steal and take credit for. ANYWAY—I'm making an exception for this examination of the outfits of seemingly every fucking country that marched into the Bird's Nest Friday night. It's apparently by the guy who used to do the Vice DOs/DON'Ts or something. It's totally hateful and pretty funny. He named Hungary's get-up (right) "worst outfit in the world." Here's the link. (thanks to Sam for the tip)

copyranter on ANIMAL NY: Adidas's "Sportive" video.

I don't know dick about art, other than that advertising is not art. But this video of sports sounds is fairly interesting to watch/listen to. (link)