copyranter looks back/ahead.

This week, many "bloggers" featured "best of" posts. Good for them. Every one of my 2006 posts was pure platinum, so go fuck yourselves douchebags. My resolution for 2007? Write fuck & douchebag twice as often as I did in 2006. Happy Fucking New Year, Douchebags.
(no that's not my hand, though it is quite similar in bone structure.)
previously in Fuck You Fridays:
1. I hate kids.
2. rolling grass thing.
3. The Horshack Rorschach.

"On The 12th Evil Day of Christmas..."

Type "Dead Santa" into Google Image search and this shot shows up about 100 times—so I sure as shit ain't gonna try to track down who the hell posted it first. Also showing up was this shot of Illinois corpse Robert Rion who, after legally changing his name to Santa Claus, was found dead in his home (true story). Last Year: The R. Kelly X-Mas album.

"On The 11th Evil Day of Christmas..."

The crown-of-thorns Jesus ash tray, found here. Also available, the Jesus Lock 'n Load ash tray and the Anima Sola Soul of Purgatory ash tray.
Last Year: tree stand vs. medieval torture device.

Lies Well Disguised, #14.

Taglines. The bows on our shiny packages of ad bullshit. Most are flat-out lies. This week on Gawker, I looked at a few, plus posted a button sporting the first tagline I ever sold. It was more of a gross exaggeration than a lie. (link)
For previous Lies Well Disguised, go here & here.

"On The 10th Evil Day of Christmas..."

Today is the 66th and 35th birthdays of Phil Spector and Jared Leto, respectively. Bat-shit insane Spector, one of the most important pop music producers in history, is scheduled to go on trial on January 16th for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson. Actor Leto is the singer/guitarist for 30 Seconds to Mars, one of the worst rock bands to ever plug in amps. I'll leave it to you to decide who is more Evil.
Last Year: "Smashed Frosty..."

"HOO-AH!!!"

I don't know but I've been told
I don't know but I've been told
That Deutsche Bank it might be sold
That Deutsche Bank it might be sold
Michael Milken went to jail
Michael Milken went to jail
Worth 2 bil and blowing rails
Worth 2 bil and blowing rails
JP Morgan got rich quick
JP Morgan got rich quick
S&P can suck my dick
S&P can suck my dick
Sound off, One Two...(etc.)
(corner of Mercer & w. 4th)

previously in NYC street sightings:
1. Boomer's Beemer Befouls Boho's Bosom.
2. The Great Wall of New York.
3. The first NYC graffiti I've ever understood.
4. The "Target" bus.
5. TRIBECA HORROR FILM FESTIVAL.

"On The 9th Evil Day of Christmas..."

(Chicago) An EVIL person stole a total of 32 baby Jesi from frontyard nativity scenes and then lined them all up against an area woman's fence. (story link) Pics of "afro" and "anglo" (their terms, not mine) baby Jesus dolls found here.
Last Year: Rudolph isn't such a lovable name...

ad absurdum.

The second ad in the Altoids Smartypants New Yorker series. My knowledge of Latin could fit on a piece of rice. I know this phrase ("buyer beware") thanks to 15 years in this idiotic business. And, really, "caveat emptor" should be the headline on every fucking ad ever placed. Right, Volvo?
previously in candy/mints:
1. Altoids make smug New Yorker readers feel even smugger.
2. Can't quite put my finger on why this campaign sucks.

...because the little pony just wasn't douchey enough.

(Re)Introducing the "Big Pony" polo from (not dead!) 67-year-old Ralph Lauren (nee Lifschitz). This coming Summer, let the fillies in Bridgehampton know there's a very BIG reason why you ride high in the saddle when playing against the "Brad Pitt of polo players," Ignacio (Nacho) Figueras (left).
previously in stupid fashion:
1. UNIQLO antelope.
2. DEAD is the new BLACK.
3. American Apparel. Made with Dov.
4. DIESEL woos fcuk hoi polloi.

"On The 8th Evil Day of Christmas..."

It's your racially-superior 2006 Winter Silks Aryan couple! (contributed by copyranter Contributing Editor archeress.)
Last Year: The Magic Monkey!!!

50's packin'. Nutrients.

(track: Piggy Bank)
Clickity-clank Clickity-clank
The money goes in my Piggy Bank
(repeat)
Glacéau Glacéau for my soul
W-S-J front 2 back is how I roll
Sun's up, git outta bed, ho!
Get me croissants & Vita H-2-O
Piggy Bank Biggy Bank, Ching-a-ling
sponsorship chedda is e-z Bling...
(pic taken at 27th and 7th by bb at different waters)
previously in music-related ads:
1. India.Arie? Crap or The Shit?
2. Madonna adopts Lenny Kravitz.
3. Taylor Hicks for Ford: A Review.
4. ABSOLUT KRAP.

"On The 7th Evil Day of Christmas..."

From—where else?—Mallrat staple Spencer's, it's pornaments. Pictured, "snow job." There's also "reindeer sex," "Mr. North Pole," etc.
tip from Shirley at gigglesugar.com
Last Year: The 'Hoff' X-Mas album.

It's Reindeer Season.

(click images)
Banana Republic's clothes are, well, boring as Hell (disclosure: I have 1 BR shirt). I mean, look at those two sweaters—HONK SHhhhhhhhhh...So, they decide to get...EDGY. Or at least, as edgy as BR dare be. Which is to be the katrillionth retailer in fashion history to put fucking antlers on models. Don't want to scare the pants off the fraternity/sorority set, for Christ's sake.
previously in stupid fashion ads:
1. DEAD is the new BLACK.
2. Look at Jigga, gettin' all "A River Runs Through It" on us.
3. Jimmy Choo. Shoes to die for.
4. FENDI No. 5.

Anthropomorphism, to the power of Retarded.

(lots of scare quotes in this post, for obvious damn good reasons)
New York is "the grand dojo of hanging out," says new NYC water "Fred." According to Fred's myspace page, "He's" a 28-year-old male Aquarius who'd like to meet "people that are cool." He has 117 "friends." "Anna" is bummed because she's not in Fred's Top 8, even though she "suck(s) on him all day long." Fred costs 36 bucks a case. But, if you want Fred delivered outside of the NYC area, the douchecap charges 25 dollars shipping per case.
Tip from Kelly, at The Unbearable Heaviness of Being. [link.]
previously in Anthropomorphism:
1. Worst. Anthropomorphism. Ever.
2. Anthropomorphism with Jay Mohr.
3. Again, I'm yelling at a bottle of cognac.

"On the 6th Evil Day of Christmas..."

(the only repeat from last year)
Separated at Birth: The Grinch & The 'Zinger.
previously in Evil X-Mas 2006:
6. Gus the Camel.
5. Fat Elf Cop.
4. Happy Holidays from Danzig.
3. Santa's Butt Ale.
2. Easy Bake® Meth Lab.
1. Pornaments.

"Hey, ya got anything that'll fit through my window?"

Yet another advertecture billboard has to allow for a window of a north-facing seventh floor apartment at 292 Lafayette St. You just know Tiffany brass is not at all pleased about having an ugly hole spoiling the field of their trademarked, hallowed PMS 1837 Blue in this oversized version of their signature holiday ad. That's what you fucks get for charging $200 for a fucking teething rattle.
previously in 292 Lafayette advertecture:
1. The G-Star Glory Hole.
2. Five-story models compete for my love.
3. Six stories of Stupid.

"On The 5th Evil Day of Christmas..."

(County Westmeath, Ireland)—Gus, a camel, snuck out of his stable and gatecrashed an X-Mas party, eating all the food and drinking the Guinness. (story link)
Last Year: Who wants to lick the spoon?

"On The 4th Evil Day of Christmas, Part II..."

It's the fat elf cop of Orange County, Florida. The joyous sheriffs operating this cute little speed trap handed out 150 tickets in 2 hours. Said sheriff Tom Wyne: "...that's why we didn't pick Santa or a nativity scene, we picked an elf because an elf is known for his impish behavior..." DoucheBag. (link)
Last Year: "They saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus..."

"On The 4th Evil Day of Christmas..."

I give to you, Lodi, New Jersey's 4'-10" Prince of Darkness, founder of the Misfits, Glenn Allen Azalone aka "Evil Elvis" aka MOTHERFUCKIN' DANZIG!!! Happy Holidays, "Mother!" (scanned from the cover of this week's Exit magazine.)
Last Year: "They saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus..."

Ad Age's White Christmas. No Dreaming Necessary.

(click image)
It's time to play the age-old Media game: Where's Black/Brown Waldo? On November 28th, Ad Age honored their 2006 "Media Mavens." White people wearing White nametags drinking White wine talking about their White paper reports or White-collar crimes at an event that was just a lot of White noise. (scanned from this week's Ad Age)
previously in White Media:
1. TimeWarner hires White Killers, White Freaks...
2. Diversity has a Mascot.
3. R&R minus R&B.
4. NEWS FLASH! Ad Industry doesn't like Minorities...

Lies Well Disguised, #12.

Have you ever been handed a Watchtower pamphlet by a Jehovah's Witness? Have you ever read one? This week on Gawker, I not only read one but also examined the marketing chops of the J-Dubs (link).
The previous 11 Lies Well Disguised linked to here.

"On The 3rd Evil Day of Christmas..."

It's the label for Santa's Butt ale.
Last Year: Rudolph, the Dead-Nosed Reindeer.

"The other six days, our lives are so empty..."

JDaters Avi & Alexandra expressing their love of the Sunday New York Times in a JDate ad in last Sunday's New York Times. Sitting on a table in front of the couple is a clipping of the glowing write-up of their engagement from a past Sunday New York Times. They are to be married on a Saturday next June. They will give the next day's (Sunday) New York Times as a wedding favor. The following Sunday's New York Times will feature a glowing write-up of their wedding, which they will read together. In bed. They will receive a complimentary copy of the Sunday New York Times for as long as they stay happily married. They will read each subsequent copy of the Sunday New York Times in bed together, doling out sections to each other in perfect JDater synchronicity.
previously in online dating ads:
1. match.com bronskied by True.com DD-cup sandwich.
2. so feel free to wear your tightest short shorts, Ladies.
3. BIKINI KILL.
4. On online dating advertising.

India.Arie: Pop Crap or Good Shit? Discuss.

Port-O-Potty wrap ads are nothing new. They were used last Summer at the MLB all-star game in Pittsburgh, and in Munich during Oktoberfest to promote toilet humor-filled movie Beerfest. That's good marketing shitergy. But shit, Grammy®-winning, neo-soulstress IndiaDotArie? Did they also pipe in her music? And if so, did it act as a laxative or a costive?
(scanned from December Other Advertising supplement to AdWeek. shot at an unnamed outdoor concert venue. UPDATE, via commenter "B": was apparently shot at a New York Road Runner's event in Central Park, making the placement even bizarre-er.)
previously in music-related ads:
1. Like at Jigga, gettin' all "A River Runs Through It" on us.
2. Madonna adopts Lenny Kravitz as sex surrogate for Guy Ritchie.
3. ABSOLUT KRAP.
4. K-Fed for K-Swiss.
5. Taylor Hicks/Bold Moves for Ford. A Review.
6. The Maddens. Lots of Tats. Lots of Causes.

No crying or pouting, DoucheFace.

(click image)
Besides an overpriced bottle of hooch, what else will Santa be bringing the Balvenie Weenie® for Christmas when he flies his sleigh into the cartoon town of Doucheville?

1. A mouth.
2. A Fleshlight.
3. A copy of "How To Pick Up Girls!"
4. A pair of plaid Bermuda shorts.
5. Hai Karate.

Please add your own gifts in the comments.
previously in Balvenie Weenie®:
7. ...overwhelming stench of scrotum sweat.
6. Balvenie Weenie® asks for it.
5. Balvenie Weenie® brings his A Game.
4. out again with the Balvenie Weenie®.
3. Balvenie Weenie® Motto.
2. Cinco de Mayo edition.
1. Balvenie Weenie®.

Dean Balazs will not tolerate wild parties at Beaver House.

(click image)
André Balazs and his Beaver are both one-woman men. So all you Wall Street fratboys eyeing fuck pads in his new William Beaver House better behave yourselves. No meth labs. No strippers after 10pm. And no three-ways!!!
(scanned from yesterday's New York Times)
previously in Balazs & Beaver House:
1. It's a cloudy morning for André.
2. André Balazs has a new Black Beaver.

"On The 2nd Evil Day of Christmas..."

(On random days through the end of the year, I will be posting 12 evil X-mas finds.)

#2 of 12. The Easy-Bake® Meth Lab.

Last Year: It is said children are hypersensitive to the presence of Evil Spirits.

"Oh give me a home, where dead, stuffed antelope wear sweaters..."

Generally, fashion advertising is for idiots. It's usually done in-house by art directors who think they're "artists", but who really don't know their ads from a hole in the ground. At right is a downtown Broadway kiosk for the new Uniqlo "global flagship" store in SoHo. Perhaps you're wondering why a dead, stuffed antelope would have multiple cashmere sweaters messily wrapped around its carcass. That reason would be because André Art Director thought it would be "edgy" to show a dead, stuffed antelope wearing goat plus a photoshopped earring. Edgy!! (NOTE: Yes, the whole thing is CGI/photoshopped. But, I prefer to think of it as dead and stuffed, because it made for a stupid headline.)
previously in stupid fashion:
1. DEAD is the new BLACK.
2. Look at Jigga, gettin' all "A River Runs Through It" on us.
3. Jimmy Choo. Shoes to die for.
4. American Apparel. Made with Dov.
5. Fendi No. 5
6. DIESEL woos fcuk hoi polloi.
7. NoHo Ass.

On The 1st Evil Day of Christmas...

(On random days through the end of the year, I will be posting 12 evil X-mas finds.)

Here's #1 of 12.

BAN EVERYTHING!!!

(click image) NYC First Nanny Mike Bloomberg and his self-appointed, rubber-stamping Health Board just enacted a law to ban all Trans Fat in New York. What's next, indeed. Street Food Carts? Deli Salad Bars? Farting? Ad ran in today's USA Today. UPDATE: As commenter jetpacks wrote, I mispelled (sic) "consumer" which lead me to the wrong page. Here's the right link.
previously in stupid NYC:
1. Office of Emergency Management Ad.
2. The MTA. Very Anal.
3. NYC's fancy package picker-upper.
4. 16 million eyes...
5. Phew! York.

With one little arrow, Times lets you know just how stupid they think you are.

Yet again, The National Newspaper of Record goes on record questioning the mental skills of its readers. JAVA OPTIONAL=COFFEE OPTIONAL. GET IT?
previously in NY Times:
1. Take a trip down memory lane (a toll road) with TimesSelect.
2. TimesSelect Op-Ed Intimacy Series, Part II.
3. Tommy, I think about Sex. A LOT.
4. All The Money We Can Fit In Our Pockets.
5. CONS® & cons.

Lies Well Disguised, #11.

My latest, and probably weakest, Lies Well Disguised post is up at Gawker. (link) If for nothing else, read it to judge the jingle I wrote for beano®.
previous Lies Well Disguised:
10. A December to Dismember.
9. The False Testimonial.
8. AIDS ads make me horny.
7. Kenneth Cole. Heel.
6. Advertising Horror Stories.
5. We are all made of Starbucks.
4. Deutsch & Binn: Perfect Douche Storm.
3. NYC Real Estate Ads.
2. Bloody death of celebrity endorsements.
1. Advertising Week 2006.

Me Tarzan. You Jane. Army Strong. Commercial Weak.

 After finally realizing that "An Army Of One" was utter hogwash (it contradicted that whole "following orders" thing), the U.S. military recently unleashed the caveman-ish "Army Strong™ on America. ME BASH HEAD WITH CLUB! Via their long-time hacky, hacking 100-year-old agency McCann Erickson. Ready your ears for glorious brassy music and the straight-from-the-drill-sergeant's-mouth Bullshit kicker —"there is nothing on this green earth stronger than the US Army..." Wonder if the Pentagon checked if any of the 3 thousand or so dead GI's from this glorious Iraqi war had the last names Quirk, Butler, or Reinhardt? (you'll see)
previously in war:
1. An Army of One Model/Actress.
2. Presidential Tagline
3. Central Innocuousness Agency
4. Operation Thesaurus.

NYC Windows: C.O. Bigelow.

Founded in 1838, C.O. Bigelow on 6th Avenue in the West Village is the oldest pharmacy in America—it's a seriously excellent store amidst the ubiquitous, shitty Duane Reades. Every Christmas, they get pretty creative with their window displays. The above Abominable Snowman (click image) is the first—and last—cheery X-mas post for 2006.
previously in NYC Windows:
1. The Great Wall of New York.
2. Zamir Furs.
3. President Clinton Doll.
4. Radio Shack 'now hiring' posters.

The 12 Evil Days of Christmas.

It's almost time for the 2nd annual copyranter's 12 Evil Days of Christmas. On random days through the end of the year, I will be posting evil X-mas web finds. They'll "Sleigh" You!!! Get It?!?

You don't have a mouth, Ketel One phone kiosk. You can't 'say' anything.

I've been having a lot of heated conversations with hard liquor ads lately. They're always talking to me, offering me unwanted advice, asking me questions. Saturday, as I was walking near Columbus Circle, this Ketel One ad rudely interrupted my placid thoughts. What "other night" are you talking about, you disingenuous kiosk? I haven't dressed sharply in months. And who's "we?" And can I just say, my non-friend from the great country of The Netherlands, a stark ad doesn't always equal a smart ad.

previously in talking with hard liquor ads:
1. Dewar's words should have been heeded by ad agency.
2. What's on your headstone, Tommy?
3. The drunken conversation is waiting.
4. Worst. Anthropomorphism. EVER.
5. Again, I'm yelling at a bottle of cognac.
6. Excuse me, while I puke and die.

BUSY TODAY.

Back tomorrow with regularly scheduled posting.
You may demand a refund here.
Also, "Barney Beaver" says "hello."

copyranter's new logo.

This is, of course, my original logo. But the above Sculpture of LOVE on 6th Avenue & 55th st. by pop artist Robert Indiana is now also in the copyranter Style Manual. Idiot Indiana never registered a copyright for the design, so I'm usurping it. Additionally, I'm holding the little tourist girl hostage and photographing her repeatedly in this manner.
previously in copyranter is fucked up:
1. Floating Bolton Head.
2. My first ever celebrity ad.
3. beano jingle.
4. This had to just plain LICK.
5. Official copyranter mascot.
6. Friday Shriners Update.
7. catching squirrels.
8. copyranter. the human trainwreck.
9. AD HACK ARTWORK.
10. DEAD BULL: Victorious Matador.

The NYC Office of Emergency Management will be here all night. Don't forget to tip your bartenders and waitstaff.

More one-liners from the cheeky Office:

• IN CASE OF A TERRORIST ATTACK, DIE THEN SAY YOUR PRAYERS. JUST NOT IN THAT ORDER.
  
• IN CASE OF A HURRICANE, EVACUATE THEN LOOT. JUST NOT IN THAT ORDER.
  
• IN CASE OF A FIRE, PULL HANDLE THEN BREAK GLASS. JUST NOT IN THAT ORDER.
  

previously in stupid NYC:
1. The MTA. Very Anal.
2. NYC's fancy package picker-upper
3. 16 million eyes...
4. Boomer's Beemer Befouls Boho's Bosom.
5. Phew! York.